NP Day

I went for a visit to see the nurse practitioner that treats me today. She really is cool. I did heed everyone's advice and I told her everything including the trazodone/vistaril incident. She asked if I thought I needed to be hospitalized and I told her that I didnt think so at the moment. I feel ok now. She said she thought it would be a good thing for me to do, but you know me....Im hard-headed as hell. No inpatient for Jil right now.

Meds update: Cymbalta 30mg, Lamictal 200mg, Abilify 10mg, and Vistaril 100mg.
She didnt change anything.

We went over some things I could do when I am feeling suicidal. I only have one friend close by that I can call, and I hate putting that responsibilty on anyone. I told my NP that and we came up with a couple of other options....going to the emergency room (yeah right) or calling her myself. She gave me her cellphone number. I dont know if I will actually ever call her, but I thought that was a cool thing to do. I dont know. I am like the biggest burden on all people that know me well.

Anyway, I have the crud...I dont know if its sinus junk, allergies, or if I just have a nasty cold. I think its allergies because I am sneezing a lot, but I dont know.

I'm going to go drink a beer and watch my Beavis & Butthead dvd.

Brokeback Mountain

I took a break from the book I’m reading and read Brokeback Mountain. Its only like 55 pages or something like that, so it didn’t take long to read. I haven’t seen the movie yet, but it’s actually here…yes, Brokeback Mountain is playing in south Mississippi. Its funny though, if you go see it, everyone here thinks youre automatically gay. Whatever. Anyway, I will definitely go see it….maybe tomorrow night. Anyone seen it?

By the Way

Go visit Weird Cake while youre here....it will make both me and ariadnek happy campers and I know thats what we all want out of life :) -------------->

Why do we take meds?

Why do we take meds? To make us conform to the world we live in? To make us “like everyone else?” To keep us alive?

Many people who are mentally ill don’t like the fact that that’s what they are. Don’t get me wrong, we do not have to conform to the mentally ill standard of living either…we don’t HAVE to take meds, we don’t HAVE to go to the doctor, we don’t HAVE to do anything but exist, and to be honest, we don’t HAVE to do that.

I want to talk about those of us who have delusions…those of grandeur, those of supernatural powers…and those of us who have hallucinations. Why would someone who has friends when they hallucinate, who thinks they are God, who has delusions that they have supernatural powers….why in the world would those people take meds to suppress those things?...especially when those symptoms are mild. I think I am really asking that question. I am not sure I have an answer to it.

I feel smarter without meds, I am more creative without meds, I feel more without meds, I felt more alive without meds….however, I was more depressed more often without them and I could border on out of control with cutting myself, I also could not be in groups of people, and I had uncontrollable shakes at times. Those are reasons why I take medication…not because anyone else wants me to be “controlled” but because I want to be. I want to be able to go to work, I want to be able to survive in groups of people, I want to live a life where I am in control of myself and my mind. The medication may numb me out, but I am coherent to myself if that makes any sense. I can control my actions most of the time….maybe not my words….and I still make mistakes like everyone else….but I am down with normalization in my own case.

Normalization –
1 : to make conform to or reduce to a norm or standard2 : to make normal (as by a transformation of variables)3 : to bring or restore (as relations between countries) to a normal condition

Normal –
1 : PERPENDICULAR; especially : perpendicular to a tangent at a point of tangency2 a : according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle b : conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern3 : occurring naturally <normal immunity>4 a : of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development b : free from mental disorder : SANE

Sane-
1 : proceeding from a sound mind : RATIONAL2 : mentally sound; especially : able to anticipate and appraise the effect of one's actions3 : healthy in body

Of all of these, I think what I want to be is “able to anticipate and appraise the effects of one’s actions.” Sane.
Everyone is normal, as in occurring naturally, and I don’t like the definition of “free from mental disorder”…does that mean you can be normal if you have 5 eyeballs but you aren’t normal if you are schizophrenic? Someone should write Merriam Webster about that one.

ANYWAY, I guess my point is this: YOU choose what you ARE. You can choose to conform, you can choose to be sane, and you can choose to be completely out of your mind. That’s your business. I chose to take control of myself. I don’t like to be totally slammed about that fact either. It doesn’t make me a sell out, it doesn’t make me the victim of drug companies and doctors….its what I want. That may change. One day I may want to trade my rational mind for the creativity and what I THINK is brilliance when I am off my meds. The truth is this: I am not brilliant. It’s called a delusion. I am not God, I am Jil. I want to be rational. That’s why I am medicated. I choose to take meds because I want to live. I don’t think I would without them…and I may not with them, but I think I have a better chance of it by swallowing the 900000 pills to reduce my depression and my mania. I choose to take meds because I don’t like cutting and burning myself…..but that’s just me. I am up for the trade off right now….

What about you guys? I do not think any less of anyone for choosing not to take meds. That’s your choice. I am all about choice and freedom. I just think that whatever we decide to do, we must be willing to face the consequences: dullness, conformity, breaking the law, not being able to control yourself…whatever. I just am wondering why we choose to take meds and why we choose not to.

The Perils of the Bipolar

I go see my NP Tuesday. I am nervous. I didn’t call her or anyone else last Friday when I thought that taking a shitload of pills was a good idea. I don’t know what to tell her. I mean, I feel ok now….still not great. I don’t think I need to be inpatient right now, but I think if I told her I tried it, I may end up there. I don’t think any anti-depressant will ever work for me. We’ve tried everything under the sun…..lets see….Zoloft, Celexa, Wellbutrin, Paxil, Lexapro, Effexor, Cymbalta…what the hell is left?? I don’t know, this medicine thing is frustrating. A plus on the Cymbalta side is that the sexual stuff has gotten better. Yay! Anyway, what do I tell her?? “I’m feeling better now, but I wasn’t doing so hot and I tried to kill myself, and although I was glad to be alive the next day, I am not so sure about it now….but I can get off when I have sex!!” Hmmmm….

Weird Cake and Stuff

My new renter is ariadnek from Weird Cake: Treats from a Bipolar Mind. I have been a lurker at her blog for a long time and only recently have come out of my lurker shell. I have known about Weird Cake for a long time, I found out about it from my first blogging buddy ever, Steve. Ariadnek is the one to talk to if you need someone to help you modify your template…and her blog looks really cool with the whole Van Gough thing going on. I like it a lot. She always has interesting things going on and you should definitely visit, leave a comment and let her know I sent ya!
Click the thingy over there-->

Also, I like getting questions from you guys because it helps me come up with things to write about while my mind is so numb right now. So…rack your brain and come up with some stuff you wanna know. Maybe soon my brain will start working better and I’ll be able to come up with something I give a crap about writing about. Until then, I’m depending on you guys, my creativity and concentration is totally shot to hell. I know theres some new folks around here these days, so surely theres something you want to know about me. I like this interview type thing….

Peer Pressure

Ok, this is kind of weird to talk about. There is this faction of lesbians where I work. I used to be some-what in the faction….but not really. I’m not much into cliquey crowds and nobody ever wants me in their clique anyway.  Anyway, I like all of them as people, they are fun and cool to be around, but they always bug me about being gay. They say that I AM gay and theres nothing I can do about it and I am just being stupid trying to be straight. They’ve given me hell from the beginning for dating D.

I am not really sure what to think of this other than the fact that I don’t like to be told what or who I AM by anybody. I don’t get why they WANT me to be gay. To be like them? Am I not cool if Im not gay? I don’t know.

What I really don’t like about it is that #1 I don’t like people to bug me about anything in general and #2 they really make me question myself. If a bunch of lesbians are telling you that youre gay, you start to think maybe they are right. I mean, if they are gay, shouldn’t they be able to tell if I am? Hell, it gets my brain all messed up. I just don’t like being harassed.

Maybe I am totally gay, maybe I am bi, I really don’t know….but that’s not for anyone to decide for me, dang it. I just get irritated every time someone talks about the issue (which apparently isn’t a secret where I work). OOOOoooh well.

Ooooops, Pheonix has balls!!

Pheonix got a new bed last night. HE likes it alot. HE also got 2 catnip mice which HE has almost distroyed already.
I decided to see if Pheonix had scars from being fixed, as HE appeared on someone's doorstep before becoming my friend. Anyway, there were no scars...but PHEONIX HAS BALLS. So HE is now known as Sir Pheonix. Good thing I didnt name him powderpuff or something equally as stupid and feminine.

D & Me & Other Things (Q & A)

Q: When are you going to give us the scoop on D?

A: Well, I can do that now.

D came over Sunday night. I knew all day that I was going to have to talk to him about things. I tried my best to avoid him coming over, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer…so he showed up.

He told me that he had spent the weekend in jail because he was drinking with his friend and the friend threw a beer bottle at a cop car (he obviously hangs out with geniuses). Anyway, I sort of used that as ammunition.

I told him that we needed to have a serious relationship discussion and he rolled his eyes. I told him that I’m almost 27 and I’m over drinking ALL the time, going to jail, and being thrown out of bars. We were still “seeing other people” too & I told him that I wasn’t cool with that any more because we’d been dating for 8 months. Sooo, I told him that I didn’t think our relationship was going anywhere and we needed to move on.

He actually took it quite well. He told me that he was still wild and needed to get it out of his system and that he’s probably regret that later on…but he could see that I needed someone more mature that knows what they want in life. He said he was sad. I really was too.

He asked if we were still friends and I said yes. I went and got us a beer and he wanted a cig so I smoked ONE with him. I know, I know…but it was just one and it tasted nasty as hell. We watched a movie and then he got ready to leave. We both shed a tear or too and he was on his way.

Soooo that’s the scoop.

Q: Are you really doing ok?

A: About the thing with D or life in general??

About the D thing: Yes, I am cool with it. He was getting on my nerves and I really am looking for something deeper than what we had going on. Basically we were just friends that had sex 24/7. I am alittle sad, just because I do like him and I will miss hanging out with him. But – all in all, I think its what I needed to do.

About life in general : I don’t know. I think I am ok. I’ve certainly been better and I’ve certainly been worse. The thing with D made me sad, I like a girl but she doesn’t like me, my feelings were alittle hurt over the weekend, I am sleeping sporadically even taking vistaril and trazodone, I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel really held down. I don’t necessarily even know what that means, but I feel like theres a huge weight on me. Even though all of that sucks, I am functioning. I am going to work & doing stuff like that. My house is nasty and I am procrastinating as far as a lot of work goes (stuff I do on the side). I think I will make it. I am tired. I don’t feel good. My head is really going slow. I have no concentration whatsoever….but I am alive and I am glad about that most of the time. So, I would say Yes, I’m going to be fine.

More Questions

Q: What's the next big thing you're going to try to do with your life?

A: Hmmmm….the next big thing….is that like the biggest loser?? Well, lets see…I am applying for a new job. I need more cashflow in the ol’ pocketbook…or, well, any cashflow would be nice. BUT – if that doesn’t materialize, I think I may go back to school. I want to get my master’s in software engineering or mass communication (my emphasis would be film or the web).

Q: I'm brewing radioactive rootbeer. What would happen if I gave some to one of those glow-in-the-dark pigs?

A: They’d fucking turn purple & implode. That’s my guess anyway.

Anything else?? I know you guys are just filled with questions… I cant really think of anything you might wanna know about, but I figure theres something??

Pheonix

This is Pheonix. I got her yesterday. I know - you are thinking, "you can't take care of yourself, how can you take care of another life"!?!?! (or you would if you were my grandmother anyway). BUT Pheonix is awesome and she loves me already - and I love her! She moved in and is acting like she's lived at my house forever. She slept with me last night. She is really therapeutic for me. She likes to be petted alot, which is cool. Anyway, shes really cool and shes very sweet. I am not sure if Marley (my dog) will like her, but I dont think they will see each other much since Marley stays outside alot and Pheonix will be inside. Anyway, I thought you guys would like to see my new buddy.

Hospital

Alright.... I have never been inpatient, but have been evaluated twice. I know how to stay out if I want to stay out. The question is....do I really need to stay out or should I bite the bullet and go in? For those of you who have had that experience - Did it help you? Did it make that much of a difference? If so, why? How long were you there?

I am feeling better...at least I am able to function today. I am at work. I am still just about a 2.5 on the 10 scale....However, thats much better than being in the negative numbers like I was this weekend. I think I am doing a pretty good job acting as "normal" as possible for someone who tried to off themselves a couple of days ago.

I'd really like your hospital opinions though. Thank you guys again for being here.

Back By Popular Demand

Broken Up

Well, I did it...no more D. More details later. He took it well. Everythings ok.

I Have No Words.....

for the first time in my life....

I cant thank you guys enough for the support.

I really dont know what to say.

I feel alittle better today. I got out of the house. That was good.

Pray for me. I've gotta take care of the situation with D tonight I think....I'm doing the new job thing tomorrow...and I still feel shitty.

I am lucky to have so many awesome friends....and strangers! Sorry this had to be the way you meet me for the first time!

I still feel like I am living in loserdom. I feel like I've caused quite an uproar. I am sorry for that.

Thank you....really....you dont know how good youve made me feel.

Wanna know something else funny?

NOBODY gives a fuck about the story below except for you guys....and Ms. Anonymous poster who called in the midst of my calamity today. Thank you guys for giving a shit. I'm sorry I am such a loser sometimes.

what doesnt kill us......

PISSES US OFF & MAKES US SICK!

Ahhhh, I feel better now.

Anyway, heres the deal. Last night I decided that I wanted to die. I was drunk enough to not care about anything much except the pain I was feeling. I'm telling you, life sucks right now and I dont know why! Theres just this turmoil..... Please who arent like us, dont understand. Theres no way to describe it to give it justice if youve never experienced hurting so bad for so long that you want nothing more than to be six feet under.

Ok....so I'm wanting to die and Im drunk so I take a handful of Vistaril and Trazodone. Down the hatch. Then I sit there.....and I start getting really sleepy (as you can imagine), and I decided maybe I should get my stomach pumped....but I couldnt find anyone to take me to do that and I was certain that I couldnt manage to get my fucked up ass to the hospital myself....so I decided that I would go to sleep and if I woke up - great and if I didnt - yippy.

Obviously I woke up. Every time Ive ever tried to kill myself I have woken up or ended up REALLY PISSED that I was alive. I was kinda glad to be alive this time. Its weird. I have felt like a huge pile of shit today, but I am alive.

I went to my grandparents. When I am sick I like to go stay in their guest room in the dark where no one will bother me. My grandparents actually dont bug me when I do this....they know something is seriously not right when it happens. Soooo, I laid in the dark there for a while, until I was rudely awakened by my brother :) ....who decided that I needed to be seranaded by him with his guitar and then he danced to all of the ringtones on my phone, put his bare ass on me...all those things that crazy ass brothers do....and he made me feel better.

He called my mom though. I guess he knew it was a state of emergency too. She came, bugged me about what my deal was, etc....and I left.

So thats my weekend!!!

I did put an application in for a job today online. I called the lady about getting a hard copy of the application packet, I only got her answering service. Anyway, its a good job, lots of money....just be thinking of me and praying (for those of you that pray) that God's will is done. My life is so totally screwed right now and I dont know what I need to do. I'm praying. I need yall too also.

Any More Questions?

got any? I'm up on the stand, I've already sworn on the Bible and all that stuff.

A Spotless Mind - A break from Q&A

If you’ve never seen Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, go rent it…or better yet, go buy it. It is one of my favorite movies, if not my #1 favorite, of all time. Why the hell am I playing Siskel & Ebert or Ebert & Roeper….or whoever the hell the sidekick is??? Well, I started thinking about the movie when I read about a new pill that will make memories of traumatic events less intense. http://msnbc.msn.com/id/10806799/

Basically, the drug is supposed to be medication for PTSD. Would you take it if it promised to zap your memory?

I don’t know if I would. Not that I like hanging on to anger or anything, and not that I like the fear that the memories cause, but I think that knowing the things that happened to me makes me who I am. I can tell you that if there was a pill that would make me not have nightmares about things that happened in the past, I would take it in an instant! But, I think that’s different from totally zapping the memory all together.

If I could be promised less of an emotional reaction to the memories and not complete loss of the memories itself, I might consider it. But – Im not sure that I’d want my emotions dulled either.

What if you could totally erase memories….as if the events or the people never existed. Maybe there is a memory zapper and we’ve all been zapped so we don’t remember it! :)

A lot of memories hurt….even the good ones, so if you could forget things, would you choose good things to forget too? For instance, when I remember certain things about Linda, even though the memories are good, they hurt….because those times are gone. Would I choose to forget those things so I wouldn’t hurt? Where do you draw the line?

Anyway, the pill is just supposed to make memories of certain traumatic events “fade”, not completely go away:

“It’s amazing how a traumatic memory can remain very much alive. It doesn’t behave like a regular memory. The memory doesn’t decay,” Brunet said.
To try to make it decay, researchers ask people to describe the trauma as vividly as they can, bringing on physical symptoms like racing hearts, then give them propranolol to blunt “restorage” of the memory. As much as three months later, the single dose appears to be preventing PTSD symptoms, Brunet said.

What do you think? Do you suffer from PTSD? Do you not? I’d like to hear from both sides.

Q & A - Day 3?

Q:Everyone keeps asking you about your sex life.... how does that make you feel?

A: I really hadn’t thought about it until you asked the question. I guess it makes me feel like I know a bunch of perves! JUST KIDDING. Really, as someone who so “publicly” questions their sexuality, I guess I expected a bunch of sex questions. It doesn’t bother me or anything.

Q: Who was the first guy?

A: A one night stand a month or two after I left Linda. It involved a lot of alcohol & marijuana. I thought I should give guys a try since Linda was the only person I had ever been with. One time in high school I almost did it with a guy….well, he actually got to the point of putting it on in there, but he held my arms down, I freaked on him and kicked him out of my house….so I don’t count that because it didn’t even last 2 minutes.

Q:Have you ever had an orgasm with a guy?

A: Yes, about 3 times out of 9 million

Q:How do you know that you are bipolar and not the willing thrall of the drug industry and the psychiatric profession?

A: Do any of us know that for sure? I knew I needed a doctor. I knew SOMETHING was wrong. When you don’t sleep to the point of having delusions and you get so out of control that you do things you would never in a million years do under most circumstances. Or you cant get out of bed, cant get yourself out from underneath your covers, are terrified of people….theres something wrong. When you cut yourself with razorblades or burn yourself with cigarettes….when you put a belt around your neck and attempt to hang yourself in your closet, or take an enormous amount of pain killers and chase it with vodka…that’s not “normal” behavior. Do I actually NEED medication? Yes, I do think I would be dead without them. Do I think the psychiatric profession makes me fit a mold that I do not really fit in to? No. I think psychology can be a load of crap, but I also know that being Bipolar is an organic thing. There is something chemically wrong….if there wasn’t…if it was just a behavioral thing that couldn’t be proved, I would have my doubts, I suppose. These days I’ve come to accept it though. Meds, docs, or not….I am what I am.

Hmmm…good questions…..keep going if you have more.

More

Q: How many women have you been with?

A: Uno. I was with my ex-girlfriend for almost 5 years. She was my one and only and I was hers. I still love her, but between my depression and her drinking…we didn’t make it. I still miss her. We’ve been broken up for 2 years. We actually got together over the internet…sort of. We had a mutual friend that I was living with in Houston. Linda came to visit and we became really good friends. I was kind of talking to a girl at the time and Linda and my friend in Houston were the first people I came out to. Linda was married at the time. She left her husband and moved from Vegas to CA to be with her family. We talked all the time on the phone and eventually I told her that I thought she was beautiful. She was like “you like girls and you think I’m beautiful.” Yep, that was the case. Anyway, I went out to CA a few times, she came to MS a few times and then we decided we couldn’t be apart. I moved to CA and took classes from my college online and worked an internship in Santa Barbara. We moved back to MS for me to finish school. We bought a house and lived with 3 cats and 2 dogs. I got really down…slept all the time. Cut a lot. Wouldn’t get help. She couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t help around the house and it bothered her (with good reason). She drank a lot…sometimes a 6 pack to go to sleep. She stayed at the restaurant she worked at overtime to drink at the bar some nights. I knew we needed a break, so I left. It was horrible. In the back of my mind I always thought I would go back, but she doesn’t want me anymore.

Q: How/when were you diagnosed with bipolar 1?

A: I have been in therapy since I was 11. I started drinking and doing drugs near that time. I was officially diagnosed as being clinically depressed when I was 16 or 17. I was put on an anti-depressant. As we know, just being on an anti-depressant can make us bipolar folk quite manic. I never slept in high school. I was fun as hell though. I was voted wittiest every year, I was the mascot, I played basketball obsessively every day….but along with the highs came horrible lows. I started cutting when I was 15 or so. I would go through periods of being barely able to function. Finally while I was living in Houston (I was about 19), I cut so bad that the people I was living with called my family in MS. When I woke up the next morning, my mom, brother, and S-D were standing over me to take me home. They made me go to therapy. I was diagnosed then with BP I, PTSD, and dissociative disorder. I was given Depakote, Celexa, and Neurontin. It totally screwed me up and I quit taking my meds about a year later. The last time I was diagnosed was 2 years ago when I finally went to the doctor at Linda’s urging. It was too late to save our relationship, but I was on deaths doorstep. I have been taking my meds ever since.

Q: How did you come to terms with the diagnosis?

A: I didn’t for a long time. Its scary to be told that you have something that cant be cured. Its quite a shitty feeling to feel defective, and that’s how I felt. Its also hard to accept having to take meds every day for the rest of your life. I didn’t accept any of it until about 2 years ago when I finally realized that I would die if I didn’t accept it. I read A LOT about Bipolar Disorder. Finally I decided that if I had to live with it then I needed to learn how to cohabitate with it in my own body. Theres me and then theres bipolar disorder…its kind of like living with a room mate….except you have alittle more control over the BP. I know if I take my meds, we’ll get along most of the time and that’s all I can ask for.

Q: Were you ever in the hospital?

A: Amazingly enough, I haven’t been. I shouldve been more than once. I have almost been admitted twice without my consent. I always know how to say what the docs want to hear. It’s a blessing and a curse probably.

Q: What kind of perfume do you wear?
A: Hollister Unisex….sex, what? Huh?

More Q & A

Come on....let me have it :)

Q & A

Q: Are SpongeBob boxers made of absorbent cotton?

A: Frank, I must say that I am not an expert in the realm of textiles…Please experiment and let us all know. Basically, my answer is: I have no fucking idea :)

Q: Who the fuck do you think you are?

A: Jil with 1 L because its my initials. J.I.L. I am an acronym for myself.

Q: I like to shoot liberals. Where can I find you?

A: Well, this all depends on the time of day and whether or not it’s a weekday or the weekend. However, if you come to Mississippi and ask for “the liberal”, you will most likely be pointed in my direction.

Q: What the hell is wrong with you?

A: I am Bipolar I, I have a dissociative disorder. I dissociate and cut myself at times. I most likely have PTSD and I have SADS. I am just totally fucked up.

Q: Why are you so stupid?

A: Now this is a good question. I would like to give the excuse that I was dropped on my head, but I doubt that is true. I did fall off the toilet when I was five, hit my head on the metal toilet paper holder and had to have stitches above my eye. Maybe that has something to do with it??

Q: Who exactly am I flipping off in my picture?

A: My brother was taking the picture. I was having to go to a family get together and I was having a FTW moment.

Q: When push comes to shove, when the shit hits the fan, what is the one thing that keeps you living?

A: My brother. He is the only reason I am alive today. I don’t want to put him through what he would go through if I killed myself. He is the sole reason I haven’t done it.

Questions

I know someone who is making a FAQ page for her blog...it made me wonder if there are any questions that you guys have for me. I'll try to answer whatever you ask, unless its something too incredibly embarrassing or weird.

Cafe Press

The 2 bipolar graphics have been on cafe press for a while now. All proceeds go to starting a new bipolar resource website called Bipolarland. If youre interested, here are the links to the shops:

http://www.cafepress.com/fightstigma

http://www.cafepress.com/bipolarland

I havent made enough $ to buy a domain yet, but thats what I am hoping to do.

If any of you guys want to put the fight stigma graphic on your blogs, go right ahead...I think Im going to permanently affix a very small version to the right column over there.

Bipolarland

I made this a while back.

Week 2 of Cymbalta /Week 7 No Smokes

First of all, today is week 7 with no cigarettes. I am just the shit…..what else can I say.

Since there’s been an influx of new people lately, I put a link to the 100 Things About Me post on the right side over there under the Flickr thingy….just thought it’d help people know alittle about the stranger they’re reading about.

I think I am getting better as far as the depression/med change thing goes. The nausea isn’t so bad anymore…thank the good Lord. Life seems alittle better, although I have noooo concentration which is a complete pain in the ass for someone who likes to read as much as I do.

Medicine Update: 30mg Cymbalta, 10mg Abilify, 200mg Lamictal, and I take 2 50mg Vistarils at night to sleep (doesn’t always help).

My NP asked me if I wanted Ambien, but I told her that I would most likely kill myself with it….so no Ambien for me. I’ve been on it before when I was in high school and I just think I would abuse it.

Anyway, that’s whats going on in Jil’s Bipolarland today. I made a Bipolarland image kind of like my Fight Stigma one…I’ll post it soon.

Question of the Day

Should I dump my boyfriend now or wait until this med change has settled down and see how I feel. I have just been in the mood to talk to girls lately....and obviously he isnt one. Whatcha think?

Bloggo Chicago

My tenant this week is Barb from Bloggo Chicago. You should go to her blog to see her cat’s head on Darth Vader’s body, if for no other reason. Seriously, her cats are cool. She likes Star Wars a lot too, which is understandable. I also like Barb’s list of 12 things she is doing right now to make life better on 43 things. I’m thinking of some things for myself. I also like to visit her blog because she is so knowledgeable about Bipolar Disorder, she’s also into being healthy (I need to take her posts to heart and get off my lazy ass). Anyway, go visit her and tell her I sent ya.

A Really Screwed Internet Story

Heres something weird that I thought about last night. I don’t think I have written about it before, and its pretty interesting, so I am going to go for it.

A long time ago I used to do promotion for bands in Mississippi. One summer I moved to Houston, TX to get away from MS and to hang out with some friends. (I’m trying to make this a short story).

I was doing some band promotion stuff online when I met “Alison”. She was also into doing music related stuff and we became friends. We talked for months on the phone and online. She talked to the people I lived with, my grandparents, and other people I knew.

I moved back to MS when school started in the fall. Alison was going to come visit me in Hattiesburg. (She lived in South Carolina). We decided on a day for her to come down, I took off of school and waited for her.

I waited….and waited….no phone calls. I called her house and her aunt answered. She told me that she had not heard anything from her, but that she would tell her to call me if she did. Still nothing….I waited….I called back….she had heard nothing….finally, I fell asleep. At 3 in the morning my phone rang and it was a man named Ray who told me that Alison had been in a bad accident and was killed.

This, of course, freaked me out tremendously. I freaked bigtime.

I decided that I should go to the funeral or SOMETHING since she died on the way to my house! I called and talked to her aunt and she told me that they did not want me there…that Alison’s mother was pissed as hell at me, blah blah blah. So I asked where I could send flowers….they told me that I couldn’t. They told me that she had been cremated and her ashes had been strown in the ocean and that I’d just have to get over it.

A week or so later I saw Alison’s screen name online. I sent a message and the person said that they were her aunt. So I asked some questions and the person typed and misspelled words just like Alison did. So I got suspicious.

I called the school where Alison supposedly went. There was no student there by her name and they had not had a student die in a car wreck.

I made up another screen name and talked to the person using Alison’s. I talked about music and all the things that she liked. I asked for a picture and she sent one….the same one Alison sent me. OH LORD I WAS PISSED OFF.

I went off completely that someone had fucking faked their death to stop talking to me….it was bad. Finally my phone rang and it was “Ray”…the guy that had called to tell me that Alison had died. He told me that he had been Alison all along. I had been talking to a 57 year old man for months thinking he was an 18 year old girl. He had talked to my friends and family and no one ever picked up that his voice was fictitious. He told me that he wanted a relationship with me and all this shit. I freaked on him, it was bad.

So, how screwed up is that?!?! That’s why I am really weird about who I give my information to online. People think I am psycho for being so careful all of the time…but I was royally screwed over. She/He really messed with my brain.

This A.M.

I am feeling alittle better. I still have some nausea going on, but I feel like the depression has lifted alittle. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel anyway.

Thanks everyone for the comments on the new design. I did do it myself. I just played with an existing template. I didnt go crazy and start writing CSS from scratch. I just thought that as a web person (Ive been doing websites since 96), my blog needed alittle personality. Ive been too last for the last year to do it. I dont know what got into me to do it now.

I have the day off today. D is in bed. I'm having coffee. Not too bad of a morning.

Fight Stigma

Patience, Daniel Son

I'm doing some weird wild stuff at the moment. If the blog is doing weird things, it is my fault. Let me know if you see any weird stuff or anything. I am working out kinks.

When the President Talks to God by Bright Eyes

When the president talks to God
Are the conversations brief or long?
Does he ask to rape our women’s' rights
And send poor farm kids off to die?
Does God suggest an oil hike
When the president talks to God?

When the president talks to God
Are the consonants all hard or soft?
Is he resolute all down the line?
Is every issue black or white?
Does what God say ever change his mind
When the president talks to God?

When the president talks to God
Does he fake that drawl or merely nod?
Agree which convicts should be killed?
Where prisons should be built and filled?
Which voter fraud must be concealed
When the president talks to God?

When the president talks to God
I wonder which one plays the better cop
We should find some jobs. the ghetto's broke
No, they're lazy, George, I say we don't
Just give 'em more liquor stores and dirty coke
That's what God recommends

When the president talks to God
Do they drink near beer and go play golf
While they pick which countries to invade
Which Muslim souls still can be saved?
I guess god just calls a spade a spade
When the president talks to God

When the president talks to God
Does he ever think that maybe he's not?
That that voice is just inside his head
When he kneels next to the presidential bed
Does he ever smell his own bullshit
When the president talks to God?

I doubt it

I doubt it


When I have nothing else to say....lyrics are good. Still truckin'...feeling alittle better. Have I mentioned lately that I am still smoke-free? Almost 7 weeks!! I kick ass as far as that goes. I lit one at 4 am the night I drove all night, it tasted like shit so I didnt smoke it. Yay.

I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning

It's Saturday and I am awake. Here is a song by Bright Eyes that kind of says how I feel.

The sun came up with no conclusions
Flowers sleeping in their beds
The city's cemetery's humming
I'm wide awake, it's morning
And I have my drugs, I have my woman
They keep away my loneliness
My parents, they have their religion
But sleep in separate houses

I read the body count out of the paper
And now it's written all over my face
And no one ever plans to sleep out in the gutter
But sometimes that's just the most comfortable place

So I'm drinking, breathing, writing, singing
Everyday I'm on the clock
My mind races with all my longings
But can't keep up with what I got

So I hope I don't sound too ungrateful
What history gave modern men
A telephone to talk to strangers
Machine guns and a camera lens

So when you're asked to fight a war that's over nothing
You know it's best to join the side that's gonna win
And no one's sure how all of this got started
But we're gonna make 'em God damn certain how it's gonna end

Well I could have been a famous singer
If I had someone else's voice
But failures always sounded better
Let's fuck it up, boys, make some noise

The sun came up with no conclusions
Flowers sleeping in their beds
The city's cemetery's humming
I'm wide awake, it's morning

One Day at a Time

I feel empty. I am ready for this depression BS to lift. I know its only been a couple of days, but it feels like its been here forever.

A couple of people misunderstood me when I was talking about the nurse that was discussing my cutting with the receptionist. It wasn’t my NP (she’d die if she knew it happened), it was her nurse.

My NP wasn’t kidding when she said the Cymbalta would make me nauseated. Oranges and honey buns look interesting when they come up (I know yall wanted to know that). Of course, when you have oranges and honey buns for breakfast, you might puke even if no medication was involved.

I’m trying to be hopeful & wait for the meds to kick in and perk me up. Heres a Jeremy Camp song…Im relating…..One Day at a Time….


One day at a time i will walk this road i've traveled so far
One day at a time well i know i will carry on
One day at a time i can see you took my life this far
One day at a time I will take this faith along

All this hope i breathe is given by the hand that carries me
Until I'm complete and i'll take all i will
To understand this plan you have for me

I've been
shut up
shut down
held out
held down
In ways i never knew i would
I can't feel your fullness in my life
Well i've been
burned out
broken
torn out
torn down
In ways i never knew i would
I can't feel your fullness in my life

One day at a time I will take these words you've given me
One day at a time I will rest in knowing you
One day at a time I will share this gift you've given me
One day at a time I will walk these valleys through

All I know is that I see how much my heart
Is longing to be cradled by your side
And i'll give all i can to one day soon
Be held by your hand, by your hand

In all these things i will press on
I'll be with you i know it wont be long

Maggs Blog

Just a reminder, go visit Maggs. She got new glasses and has been reorganising some stuff on her blog. She's got zombie links :::saying that in a "you know you want to check them out" kind of voice::::
<---she's over there. Look!

I'm alive, but not excited about it.

I appreciate all of you being here…you really do lift me up when I am sinking. It’s nice to know that I don’t have to go through this mess alone. Although you’re all miles away, I do feel like I have friends that care. I feel like I have some back up :)

I don’t know if I am doing any better. I’ve taken a lot of Vistaril to sleep. My NP said that my psychosis (I had whispery things going on) was probably from sleep deprivation. I’ve slept better the past couple of nights, which is a good thing. I’ve had the Vistaril all along, I just never remember to take it when I cant sleep. It seems to work fairly well, I just feel drugged.

Day 2 on Cymbalta…nothing really to report. I cant tell the difference between all of these drugs…all I know is that my poor brain juices are severely confused right now….Effexor --> Wellbutrin --> Cymbalta in a month!! Ouch. I have a headache, no wonder. I slept with a heating pad on my head, I really think it helped alittle.

The drugs are still piled up on the table….I haven’t had the gumption to put them all back in their respective places. I have to get the idea completely out of my head before I can do that, I think. For now they are just a safety net in my mind…something I have the option of doing if things get too bad.

My house is a total wreck. It seems to me that Bipolar people either have spotless houses or theyre completely a mess. The cleanliness of my house is parallel to my mood…which right now, is shitty. I wish I could just afford a maid or something.

D was at my house when I got home from getting meds yesterday. I was not thrilled because I didn’t know he was coming for sure. He just showed up and let himself in (the house is locked today). He didn’t drive me too crazy to go anywhere. I think he could tell that I was sick. He got me an ice cream sundae, which was very sweet. I promptly threw it up. I felt bad. He laid with me for a long time. He was really sweet.

A couple of lesbian friends called. D is cool with that usually, but I pissed him off because I told them on the phone that they could hook me up with a girl because the thing with D wasn’t anything serious anyway. THE THINGS YOU SAY ON MEDICATION!! :( Anyway, he went on a rant about how I don’t have to be gay just because they are and all this crap. I told him obviously I didn’t think that was the case. It was a mess, but it ended up ok.

I need a drink and its 10:00 in the morning. I just feel like HELL. I havent cut in a day or so though.

Speaking of cutting : When I went to see my NP the other day, her nurse was standing behind the counter talking to the receptionist. I stood there for a second waiting for them to look up...the nurse said "she cuts herself, so we tried to squeeze her in." - TO THE RECEPTIONIST. Ummm....I think I almost had a HIPAA heart attack. Oh well, who the heck really care.

And the Winner is.....

CYMBALTA!

I did the responsible Bipolar thing and called my NP today. Someone cancelled, so I was able to get in. No more Effexor, No more Welbutrin....we're trying Cymbalta...and Vistaril, Abilify, and Lamictal.

I didnt sleep last night. Drove. Got home @ nearly 8 this a.m.

Thanks everyone for pulling for me. I'm struggling.

Anyone been on Cymbalta? She told me it would make me really nauseated.

I cant decide if I am going home to sleep or not.

Guess I needed to prove Im an ass

So I drove...
and I decided to call a friend.
shes been in the hospital with her mom that has cancer and her dad that has heart problems all day long.
I start with my bullshit. Honestly, I wanted to call to see how she was doing since she'd been doing doctor stuff with them all day, but I didnt make it that far. My am I gay / I hate the world shit is nothing compared to what she's going through, I know that. Basically, I dont think she appreciated me calling with my BS since she'd been dealing with heavier things all day. I understand that. I just needed someone to talk to....even about dumb shit...and I thought maybe she needed someone to vent to also.
I dont know....guess not.
I just feel bad that I unloaded my crap when shes the one that most likely needed to unload a lot more.
I feel like I ruin every friendship I ever have. I dont even know if my "friends" even consider me a friend. I dont know.
I'm going to drive again. I gathered all the meds in the house when I got here...I probably have enough to do the trick...some trazodone, seroquel, a lot of excedrin and tylenol....I know I dont need to do it. All of the meds are in a pile on the table so I am going to leave them there and go somewhere else.

Not too good

At about 3 this afternoon my day went to hell in a handbasket. I dont know what the deal is, I should be used to the change with my meds dosage. Tomorrow I quit taking Effexor all together. I cut like a bitch when I got home....heres the deal, ok:

Jil is gay. Jil does not want to be gay. It is hard to be gay in Mississippi. Its hard to be gay anywhere, but it really sucks here...especially if you are a Christian. A GAY Christian?!?! WTF That just cant be! Oh no, the frickin world is going to end because a lesbian believes in Jesus. Anyway, whatever, Ive been dealing with this for as long as I can remember....so just fuck it all, it doesnt matter.

Today I came out of work and a friend of mine was standing there with a girl she wants to hook me up with (nice butt and boobs, definitely)...:::beating head in::::bad thoughts::::bad thoughts:::: She wanted me to call her later. I guess I am going to try to get out and do something else. I dont know. I wish this shit was easy.

Straight People, I have a question for you: (ok, straight WOMEN...guys would never answer this question truthfully) Are you automatically gay because you think it might be nice to sleep with someone thats your same sex? If you find someone of your same sex attractive, are you automatically gay??

I dont want D to come over tonight. I cant handle him and his whacking off, marathon sex having self. (Ah ha, I just called him & told him that)...well, i left off the whacking off, marathon sex thing.

I am such a total asshole. Have you guys noticed that lately? Think its the Welbutrin? Think I was just born an asshole? A gay, bipolar asshole??

Ever just want to leave? I have left before...just because I wanted to leave...just picked up my shit and left because no one cared where I went anyway. I kind of feel like that now. I think I may drive and see where I end up. Fuck this place. Fuck how I feel, fuck being bipolar, fuck everything.

Anyway, Im going to drive and cry...that always helps....then I'll come home and take my fucking drugs and go to bed....if I come home at all. Fuck coming home.

Why Girls Are Easier to Live With

...this list was compiled by me based on my relationship with 1 female in my life and the male I am currently seeing. Dont get in a wad if you are a girl and you are proud of your hairiness...thats cool with me & everything. I could also list 10 reasons why girls are a bitch to live with...starting with PMS, makeup, etc. Guys, dont get too upset, the one guy I have to compare to Linda isnt really doing you fellows justice.

1. Girls do not care about Conan the Barbarian.
2. Girls do not make you watch Ultimate Fighting.
3. The toilet seat/bathroom thing.
4. Girls can share clothes & haircare products
5. Girls aren’t as hairy.
6. Girls don’t make a mess shaving all of their hair off.
7. Girls do not make you watch them play video games.
8. Girls LIKE to take baths
9. Girls can connect emotionally (they can also be hyper-emotional, which is bad).
10. Girls do not require you to know the skills of every superhero known to man & whether or not they are a DC or Marvel character.

My SouthPark Character

Go here to make yours!

Maggs

I’m alittle behind, as I have been busy bitching about my boyfriend that’s not really my boyfriend….I should call him boyfriend NR (not really). But, come on now – I have reason to bitch!! Good Lord, girls are so much easier to live with!

Anyway, my renter this week is Maggs. Her blog is Alittle Crazy…Arent We All? I would say, yes…I don’t know about everyone, but I am pretty damn crazy most of the time. In Maggs’ words, her mind spews anything and everything from manic depression, life, and zombies. I’m always up for zombies. Everyone should be up for zombies.

<--go visit her. Tell her I sent ya….My renters are always cool, I’ve been lucky so far. Sometimes I get really weird bids, but thankfully some cool folks have come through for me.

Maggs is another that will make it to the permanent links on the left side over there.

Unreasonable??

A Letter to my Boyfriend (thats not really my boyfriend)

Below you will find some requests that I ask of you. I think they are reasonable requests if we are going to continue seeing each other as often as we do.

1. If you are going to move the coffee table to do yoga in front of the tv, move it back when you are finished.

2. There should never be a ham sandwich on my coffee table after you leave if it is a sandwich that I am not eating.

3. Please, God, throw your shit away.

4. It is gross if you do not shower and use deodorant EVERY day, not just days you go to work.

5. I am not going to have an orgasm no matter how long we do it because of the meds. That means that I do not want to have sex for 3 hours. That may sound like a good idea to some people...but it doesnt to me....alittle over an hour and things start hurting and it gets boring. When you catch a window of opportunity, dont pass it up for my sake.

6. Do not put ONE article of YOUR clothing in MY washing machine if there is a buttload of clothes in my hamper. My clothes need love too and you are wasting the shit out of laundry soap.

7. I dont give a fuck about video games. I do not want to watch you play them....especially ones where girls in bikinis are wrestling.

8. Sometimes I am not horny, sick, tired, and just plain do not want to have sex. We do not have to have sex every time we see each other.

9. I do not understand why you have to whack off 3 times after we have sex for 9 million hours. Is something wrong with you??? Do you have some type of weird sperm-making disease??? Anyway, if you have to do it (and at that point, I am sure as hell not helpin you out) - GO TO THE BATHROOM OR SOMETHING.

10. If you want to see or "talk" to other people...dont be mad when I do the same.

3 things about me that no one knows

1. If I am waiting on something or if I am bored (especially waiting in the docs office or something) I can see shapes in the designs on carpet, grass, specks on tiles, wood grain, and weird stuff like that (kind of like seeing shapes in clouds). I can come up with weird stories that involve the imaginary characters. Yes, I entertained myself a lot as a child.

2. My cousin and I used to steal baseball cards from a Fred’s store and we used our bikes as the get away vehicles. We stole a shitload of cards from the time we were 7-10 years old.

3. When I was young I was on a state gymnastics team. I hated it with a passion….but I was pretty good on the bars. (Yes...me....gymnastics....stop laughing).

Dont Mind Me

A couple of things – Dan will be my tenant over there for just a short time, he will be packing up and moving out today. He has been a good tenant….except for some rumors of strippers or something. Anyway, if you haven’t already, go see him and tell him you found him here….if you’ve already been, go again – theres always something new.

Also, its time for the 2006 Bloggies. You get there here: http://2006.bloggies.com/
Go nominate some folks (especially those on the left side of my blog, under links).

Ok, now…..on with my thought of the day….actually I had this thought last night and it just hasn’t left me, so I thought that I would see what you guys have to say about it.

Have you ever thought about who reads the crap that we spew from our minds on our blogs? Do you feel a sort of responsibility that comes along with it?

I don’t know why, but lately I have felt this weight that accompanies my blogging….which is strange because I do this for me. But – sometimes I feel like I need to be something I’m not – strong, knowledgeable, responsible…. I don’t know what the deal is.

I’m not an expert at anything. I mean, I can do some web work, graphic design & video stuff that I do at work…but I am not an expert in anything that has the slightest thing to do with mental illness, self injury, child abuse, religion, or anything of that nature…all of which are things that are discussed here on occasion. I feel a strange responsibility right now. I don’t really like it. I can talk about my experiences…but I’d hate to know that someone put much stock into my opinions or took my experiences to be the gospel.

Does my family end up here somehow? Who floats along and lands here on a daily basis? Why do they care about what I have to say? What impact does it have on them? What happens when blog life and real life collide?

Anyway….I don’t know why I am bothered with this.

The views and opinions expressed on this website are the views and opinions of the author. Please notice that they are only views and opinions. They don’t matter. The views and opinions expressed on this blog are not to be taken as expert advice or knowledge. Proceed with caution.

A New Year

I was thinking back to what was going on in my life a year ago. It was my first Christmas without Linda in 4 years. That was tough. I miss her at Christmas. This year I wasn’t as sad, which was a good thing.
Lets see, this time last year I had been at my job for 2 years. It feels like a hell of a lot longer than 3, I can tell you that.
Hmmm….I had been in my house for 8 months and I probably still didn’t have any furniture.
No telling what medicine I was on, I change so much. I think I was on Lexapro, Geodon, and Lamictal…but I really don’t remember.
I was having a lot of spiritual life turmoil. I was baptized in the last year.
Looking back through the archives, I think I was questioning myself a lot….not that I’m not anymore, but I think I’ve answered some of the questions I had. I am more accepting of my disease….that its real - that I have to take meds, etc.
I think I was more on the creative side of the bipolar spectrum at this time last year….especially from looking at the archives. I have no poetry, no new drawings or anything right now. My creative energy is nonexistent at the moment.
My blog has grown as far as visitors go….last year at this time about 2 people actually left comments on occasion…and I write a lot more often. I started the blog in February.
Anyway, things have changed a lot…I was still settling down from leaving Linda (although sometimes it still feels like it happened yesterday)…I think I’ve matured a good bit in the past year, which is always good.

Anyway, whats going on now: My Effexor has been cut to 75mg. To be honest, I thought that coming off of the stuff would be a lot harder than its been so far (knock on wood). I haven’t been nauseated. I really expected it to be bad from what everyone has said. I have some dizziness, some depression (not too bad)…but that’s about it. Every now and then I feel like I might possibly be headed towards the manic side of life…but it usually just ends up that I am just shakey or hyped up for a short period of time. I have cut since backing off the Effexor, which sucks. I’ve done it twice, on my ankle with a knife. That’s happened in the last month or so…You know, I don’t know what that has to do with medication, but it seems like I didn’t cut as much on Effexor than anything else. Who knows. The Wellbutrin seems to be ok. I don’t feel pissed off or anything. The sexual side effects seem to be diminishing a little bit….still nothing earth shattering, but hey – cant expect that all the time.

Cotton Bowl

After snapping the game winning snap!!

ROLL TIDE!

I am back from the Cotton Bowl in Dallas, I must say that I am quite tired!! Its a pretty long drive from here. Thanks everyone for the congratulations! It was my brother's last college game. I'm really proud of all he's accomplished, I am hoping we'll get to see him play on Sunday nights next year. Was that not the ugliest field goal to actually win a game in history!! But - we'll take it! :)

I hope everyone has a great New Year....things have certainly changed from a year ago...guess I'll write about that more later. For now, I am going to go home and chill out.

Thank yall again.....and go visit Dan!!