what doesnt kill us......
PISSES US OFF & MAKES US SICK!
Ahhhh, I feel better now.
Anyway, heres the deal. Last night I decided that I wanted to die. I was drunk enough to not care about anything much except the pain I was feeling. I'm telling you, life sucks right now and I dont know why! Theres just this turmoil..... Please who arent like us, dont understand. Theres no way to describe it to give it justice if youve never experienced hurting so bad for so long that you want nothing more than to be six feet under.
Ok....so I'm wanting to die and Im drunk so I take a handful of Vistaril and Trazodone. Down the hatch. Then I sit there.....and I start getting really sleepy (as you can imagine), and I decided maybe I should get my stomach pumped....but I couldnt find anyone to take me to do that and I was certain that I couldnt manage to get my fucked up ass to the hospital myself....so I decided that I would go to sleep and if I woke up - great and if I didnt - yippy.
Obviously I woke up. Every time Ive ever tried to kill myself I have woken up or ended up REALLY PISSED that I was alive. I was kinda glad to be alive this time. Its weird. I have felt like a huge pile of shit today, but I am alive.
I went to my grandparents. When I am sick I like to go stay in their guest room in the dark where no one will bother me. My grandparents actually dont bug me when I do this....they know something is seriously not right when it happens. Soooo, I laid in the dark there for a while, until I was rudely awakened by my brother :) ....who decided that I needed to be seranaded by him with his guitar and then he danced to all of the ringtones on my phone, put his bare ass on me...all those things that crazy ass brothers do....and he made me feel better.
He called my mom though. I guess he knew it was a state of emergency too. She came, bugged me about what my deal was, etc....and I left.
So thats my weekend!!!
I did put an application in for a job today online. I called the lady about getting a hard copy of the application packet, I only got her answering service. Anyway, its a good job, lots of money....just be thinking of me and praying (for those of you that pray) that God's will is done. My life is so totally screwed right now and I dont know what I need to do. I'm praying. I need yall too also.
posted by Jil at 8:01 PM
8 Comments:
Jil, I'm sorry life's handing you a bunch of shit right now. I do understand how you feel & you can be damn sure you'll be in my prayers. Hey, please don't do the pill thing again, k? Please. Life would not be the same without you.
10:19 PM
Oh my god. I go away from the computer for, like, 24 hours, and I come back to find that my second secret internet girlfriend has done this. (Hmm,that implies that you did it because I went away, and I know that that is not true, but I'm leaving the sentence anyway). AND you took down the picture of you flipping people off. Damn, that was a hot picture.
Ok, so I've only e-known you for two weeks, but already you're an important fixure in my cyberverse. If you kill yourself it would totally crimp my day. It would wilt my lettus. Piss in my cheerios. Just so you know.
1:31 AM
Those days.......I dont know what to say, except that I feel your pain. And I hope your brother putting his ass on you made you laugh histerically and feel a bit better!
5:35 AM
Hope you get the job. Glad that you are still around. Gotta love having crazy ass brothers. I have three of them and like your brother, it is nice having them around when the shit hits the fan.
8:08 AM
Hiya, you don't know me, but I just want to let you know that someone in the UK is thinking of you and sending you a hug. x
9:34 AM
Jil~
You don't know me, but your post had me in tears. And then praying. Please, please don't do the pills that way. although I have never walked in your shoes, I know how painful life gets at times. But you are precious, and loved...I will continue to hold you in my prayers Jil.
I'm not Bi-polar, so I know I can never completely understand, but I can pray. My daddy used to tell me, Teri when you feel you can't take anything more, that you have hit rock bottom, there is no where to go but up. Things WILL get better. He would tell me to hold onto that thought, and of course to cry out to God. That he would answer my spirit with some comfort. (Clinically depressed for a couple of decades, and on my meds.)
If I could reach thru the screen here, I would give you a BIG hug! (Of course you would promptly call the police and have me arrested...) ;-)
You hang on to life, and I will continue to pray for you!
(((HUGS)))
3T
1:13 PM
I agree with Trista about the picture, that was my favorite of you. Please flip us the bird, Jil!
1:55 PM
Sigh. Jil, I ache for you. Yesterday was the first anniversary of my suicide attempt. I actually felt pretty good -- I'd survived another year.
When we try to kill ourselves, we're begging for attention because it hurts like fucking hell and we don't know any other way to show people that it hurts. We want to be rescued as you did. But people don't notice because there's no blood, no visible bruises, no lump on the head. That's why we try to make blood, try to make ourselves found in a near-coma by others. We want them to ~know~.
I notice that you have a DBSA link on your sidebar. Is there a group in your area? Do they have a phonelist that you can call? If you want my phone number, you can have it. Maybe others will make the same offer.
It was a smart thing to get out of your house and into your grandparents's place. Very smart. You knew that you had to do something. And you did.
So when looking back at this episode, remember two things: that you had a close close call and that you did some of the right things.
Maybe the next time you get like this, you can go to your grandparents' house before you start taking the pills? Protect yourself, dear Jil. You are important to us.
2:01 PM
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