ugh

Someone asked about Cymbalta. It has worked for me for a long time, but the depression has kicked its way through again with a vengeance. I started 25mg Pamelor at night, but it doesn’t seem to do anything other than make me not sleep. Ive been on Cymbalta so long I don’t remember how long it took to do the trick, but I had been through the gamut of anti-depressants before I found one that worked, and sadly it seems like its run its course.

I burned myself with a cig for the first time in over a year tonight. Not good.

I want to roll up in a ball. Maybe its just that time of year.

Reading

Anyone read anything good lately? I must confess, once upon a time, I was an avid reader….but no more. My attention span isnt what it used to be these days. Tonight I found myself having time and wanting to indulge myself in something in the literary realm, but even after reading half of the backs of the books that I havent read that are on my shelves, nothing grabbed me. I prefer non-fiction most of the time. A good memoir, or something…I don’t know.

I have a hard time concentrating. I made it through church tonight though. The last time we went, I had to leave after about 30 minutes because I couldn’t bear to be still for one more second. I can sit down and talk to people, but on my own…working, reading, whatever…I just cant focus for more than 15 minutes or so.

My NP said I could add Welbutrin to the mix and that might help, but I don’t really want to add anything else. I am taking Lamictal, Cymbalta, Abilify, Ambien CR…blah blah blah. No thank you to the idea of more medication.

Anyway, I am open to reading suggestions. I am going to go play on amazon and see if anything pops out. I am going to give the reading thing a try again. Seriously, I used to read a couple of books a week or more and I havent read a book that doesn’t deal with something for school or photoshop in over a year :( That’s just pitiful.

Im a smoker, damn it.

Ahhh, the blog. I havent been here in a long time.

I had a doc appointment today….wasnt bad, no med changes, life isnt sucking too incredibly much, so who am I to complain. My NP is the coolest. For someone who started their insanity ride through docs and counsellors about 17 years ago, that’s saying a lot. Ive never stuck with anyone or trusted anyone that Ive talked to like I do her. Good thing of the day.

Ive been shaking a lot. Not sure why. I am supposed to go have my blood sugar tested tomorrow. I know nothing about that sort of thing, so I will let you know what happens. Hmmm. Could it be the pumpkin spice lattes I had today? Maybe I should put them on the list with Red Bull.

Failure: Smoking. Should I say more? I smoke like a chimney.

Triumph: Cutting down Mountain Dew intake. Only one a day (or none, since I had pumpkin spice lattes).

I’ve been alittle down as of late. I forgot my sisters birthday (she ran away 16 years ago – see previous blog posts somewhere). I never forget her birthday. I like to do something on that day that’s kind of special….it makes me feel like she’s doing the same thing somewhere. Basically, forgetting it sucked really bad. I have got to get over it, but its always been a big deal to me….keeping a part of her alive in my mind even though she’s nowhere to be found. Long story.

Anyway, I think that kind of put me in a funk alittle bit….but I shall persevere.