Your mind is like a bad neighborhood.

Never go there alone.

I read that this evening.

I'm really bad about going there alone. I'm trying to get better at it I don't think I even realized that before I read those words. It also made me think about some stuff that was said in church today. I guess I was reminded this morning that God is always with us. We arent alone even when we feel like we are. I tend to feel like I am "forsaken"...forgotten, or something. But - thats not the case. Its satan working in my good ol cranium.

Reading that this evening also made me really thankful for all of you that read this mindless dribble. Even when I am going there alone, Im not really alone.

I'm doing ok. I feel alittle more on the down side than I have been feeling for the last month or so...but maybe thats normal. I havent decided if this is just normal ups and downs or if I am headed for something much worse. If thats the case, Im glad I dont have to go there by myself.

My Day

Ahhh, its that time again. I saw my nurse practitioner this morning. All is well. Meds Update: Lamictal 200mg, Cymbalta 60mg, Abilify 15mg, Vistaril 50mg. She said I looked �really balanced� today. Not too up, but cheery. Cant say that I really feel �cheery�, but I am feeling good. I mentioned the sexual side effects. She said it was up to me whether or not I wanted to try decreasing the Abilify again. To be honest, I am scared to change anything right now. I have been doing too well for an extended period of time, which is amazing for me. So, no changes with the medication. I have also been having some energy issues. I need a lot of sleep. When me and M aren�t doing something, I am taking a nap. Its irritating to require so much sleep.

 

After going to see my NP, I went and got the new Ben Harper album that came out today. I love Ben Harper. It was my lifes mission to find the cd the day it came out. Its good, but its kind of depressing.

 

Ive been looking online for jobs. Anyone know a place thats hiring graphic artist / web designers? Virtual tour architects? Hmmm. I just need more money. I am hoping that more jobs will be available when our coast starts rebuilding from Katrina (God knows how long that will take, I may be 50 by that time).

 

M is coming over tonight. I like it when he comes over. We really do have fun. I like dating someone who actually likes to get out and do stuff. Im not sure what the plan is, but Im looking forward to doing something! Im going to try to talk him into flying with me to Oregon at the end of May to go see Ben Harper.

Road Trip

We went bowling Friday night. I had not been bowling since high school so I sucked pretty badly. We went to Mobile Saturday. It was fun. We went to a huge flea market. It was really cool. Then we went to the dog track. I liked the dog track. I didnt think I would because I thought I would think it was cruel. The dogs looked pretty happy though and there was an advertisement for adoption in the program for the race. I, of course, wanted to bring them all home with me. I found out that I really suck at gambling though. I quit before I lost anything. I came out pretty even I think. M gambled a lot more than I did; I think he lost a small chunk. We went bowling again last night. I sucked again bigtime, but it was fun. It was a good weekend. I really like M, but Im not letting him know it yet! We have only been dating a couple of weeks, so I am still in my acting semi interested mode.

 

We went to Starbucks last night, and we talked alittle about relationships and other crap. We talked some about depression. I dont think he really gets the fact that its not something you can �just get over and not think about.� I think its really hard for people who dont struggle with it to understand. It can be really frustrating to me.

 

Ive been feeling pretty good. I am feeling a bit strange this morning, but I think its because I didnt get much rest this weekend. I am pretty tired.

Randomness

This just came out of my mouth, �The worst thing about being bipolar is the medication.� I was really saying that in regards to sex. Im in the same old sexual situation that I�m in most of the time - no orgasm - ever. Damn.

 

Anyway, after that came out of my mouth, I really thought about how ironic it is that the little things that keep us sane are also the things we hate the most. I hate taking meds. Sex sucks. My body is rapidly multiplying, but Im sane - somewhat anyway.

 

I try to remind myself of all the good reasons to stay med compliant, but the side effects suck. There are 2 or 3 side effects I have that I hate. My moods seem to be pretty stable. I feel pretty good other than having fatigue issues. But those few things that are negative are important to me too. What the hell can you do about it?

 

I guess its sort of like choosing to do anything though. Theres always the plus and minus to every situation in life. I guess we are all bipolar in some form or fashion, especially if you think of it in the Christian sense. The Bible says we will always struggle with our �old crappy� selves and our �new, shiny� selves. (Like my Biblical interpretation?)

 

I guess I am having issues with both (meds and religion) and thats why theyre on my mind. I want the fun things out of life. I lose the good/bad battle far more often than I should. I want to be sane. I want to function normally. I want the highs. I want to enjoy sex. I want to be good. I want to help people. I want to do drugs. I dont feel like I am following God�s will for my life.

 

I hate these struggles. I know we all have them, but this stuff is really weighing on me right now. Why is it so easy for some and so hard for me.

 

I had this dream last night that stuck with me. I fell asleep in the middle of prayer (which unfortunatley happens a lot with me) and I dreamed that there was this old man in overalls digging a big ditch and he looked at me and said "I dont have to dig to know everything about you." I dont know what that means, but it woke me up and I realized I'd fell asleep during my prayer. I dont know what that has to do with any of this, but I felt like sharing it.

 

 

The Dumbest Thing I Have Ever Done

involved Mad Dog 20/20, some beer, a burrito, a ball python and a track uniform.

 

Following closely behind that - ok, well behind it, is searching for my keys for 2 hours, destroying my house in the process, when my keys were in my pocket.

No Keys = Not Good

My day has not started out very well. I cant find my damn car keys. I had to ride my motorcycle to work, which would be cool except that its pretty frickin cold outside this morning. Where the hell could they be? My nightmare is that Pheonix found them on the ground, thought they were a cool toy and now they are under my entertainment center or some other screwball place. Lets hope not. I hope this isnt a sign of the day to come.

 

I am trying to lose weight. I hate anti-psychotics. Of course, I would be psychotic without them, but hell, I�d be skinny again. I attempted to drink diet Mountain Dew instead of the real thing. Its really the most putrid stuff I can imagine. I hate having to watch what I eat. I want a frickin pizza.

 

Mood-wise, other than my morning not starting out as I wouldve planned, I seem pretty stable and feel pretty good. Usually losing my keys would totally throw me for a loop, and although I am quite unhappy about it and have no idea where else to look for them, I am not having a mini-stroke or anything.

 

I guess that fact answers my question of whether or not life in general causes our moods or if its the meds. Today my life situation is about a 4.37 on a 10 scale. I have no keys, I hate going to work, its cold, Ive gained 50 pounds in a year and 3 months, my $ situation could be a lot better�.but I am not in a bad mood. Not good. But not bad. So I guess its not Life sucks = Mood sucks. However, without meds, it could be different. No Meds + Life Sucks = Mood sucks. Hell, does anyone even care? Not sure why I am going on about this. Just something I wonder.

 

Do meds cause some sort of pseudo-reality for us? Do they control us to the point that we arent really who we are? Im alittle philosophical today.  That�s annoying.

Some Kind of Temporary Sanity

I hope its not too temporary! Since the Abilify increase, life has gotten much better. You know, I never know if it�s the meds or if life in general is just better. Youve got to hate that about meds. Do they work? Has my quality of life just improved because of my circumstances? I�m saying it is a mixture of both. You cant ask for anything else, I suppose. I guess that even if the meds worked and your life circumstances sucked ass, it wouldnt matter a whole hell of a lot.

 

I am still seeing M and I dont have any complaints other than he can be somewhat of a smartass at times, but hey he�s dating Captain Smartass, so I cant hold that against him. Its very different (and much better) dating a mature guy instead of a smelly, 24/7 playing playstation nympho from hell. I hope the thing with M works out for a while, its cool having someone that likes to travel, has the money to travel, and someone whos into a lot of the same stuff I am. We like the same music. I know thats a dumb thing to be on the list of importance, but its on mine. I dont want to be stuck having to listen to Dolly Parton all the time. Anyway, things with him are good so far.

 

I have told him that I am bipolar, he doesnt care as long as I am compliant with meds. Thats cool with me. Its nice having someone interested enough to care if you take your meds or not. I havent shared about the cutting, but he has seen the scars. He hasnt said anything about them though. I am sure that he knows. I caught him checking them out. A lot of the scars are in pretty calculated patterns, so it would be hard not to figure it out. Im not sure when I will get to the point of telling him. I just hope I can refrain from doing it so I dont have to explain when I have fresh cuts.

 

Life is good for the moment. I cant be anything other than happy about that.

Knowing Who We Are

If you havent read BiPolar Guys series on Over-Identification and Under-Identification, go read it�its really good. It definitely gave me food for thought. It made me think about the age old question � AM I bipolar, or do I HAVE bipolar disorder. I think most of us use both terms interchangeably, but I think theres a difference.

 

As Joel has said, I am more than Bipolar. Even though I say that I am Bipolar, I mean that I have bipolar disorder.

 

By the way, I will put links to BP Guy and Joel�s blog as soon as I am able to include html in this post instead of emailing it�.later today�.and please excuse the little boxes and little punctuation for the same reason.

 

This brings us to over-identification and under-identification. I�m guilty of both. I think a lot of us are. As far as over-identification goes - I�ve blamed anger outburst on the fact that Im bipolar, Ive blamed pure damn laziness on bipolar disorder, the list goes on� the fact is that sometimes its ok to be just plain angry and just damn lazy. You don�t have to blame a disease for being human�.but we have to be aware when we are just using our diagnosis for being irresponsible, sedentary, and being an asshole.

 

Under-Identification? I totally ignored my diagnosis for a couple of years, didn�t take meds even though I really knew I needed to, I did drugs for years, I dont pay good enough attention to my diet�Ive done and continue to do lots of things that aren�t good for folks with bipolar disorder to do�.Ive done and still do things that aren�t good for ANYONE to do.

 

I have been trying to get better in both aspects.

 

I also believe that sometimes its hard to judge whether youre having normal ups and downs, anxiety because ANYONE would be anxious, etc. It takes practice and getting to know yourself I suppose.

 

When I cant function and want to die � NOT normal.

When I resort to cutting myself � NOT normal.

When I am in an extended period of being overly and obnoxiously angry at the world � NOT normal.

When I go spend 2 grand on crap, when I usually don�t do that - NOT normal.

When I sometimes feel like spending a Saturday on the couch watching Ren & Stimpy and avoiding the world � COMPLETELY normal.

When I get anxious over a date � Normal as hell.

We all have to figure out what IS normal for ourselves and what is not.

 

We have to live like other humans�whether we have this disease or not. We have to know how to manage our disease. It isn�t going away any time soon, unless you want a depression pacemaker implanted in your brain, I guess.

 

How do we manage? Knowing ourselves, reading, basically getting our brains on every scrap of knowledge we can about ourselves and our disease, going to the doctor, taking our meds - knowing we have this disease, not letting it define who we are.

 

Everything Ive said applies to me�.I know this, and I suck at a lot of it, but Im trying and I think that trying is a big step.

My desktop

Heeeeeeeere's my desktop.

I tag:

Trista

Jane

Jon

Broke

Depression Patch

It was brought to my attention that recently a antidepressant in a patch form was approved. Hmmmm. I think thats pretty cool. I would much rather wear a patch once a week or something like that instead of having to take 9 million pills. What do you guys think? Do you think it will help with compliance with meds if more antidepressants came out with a patch? I do, not doubt about it. I think it will take time for people to realize its available though.

What I Did Today

My bro is enagaged to a kick ass chick! It's finanlly bike season! Yay!

A Good Story

My little brother saved all of his money from playing in the Sugar Bowl and the Music City Bowl for Alabama for 2 years so he could buy his girlfriend an engagement ring.

He was able to afford the setting a few months ago and only recently was able to buy a diamond.
He had the diamond put in the setting about 2 weeks ago. He got it back on a Saturday evening and put it behind his back truck seat so he could bring it to show us on Sunday.

That night his truck was broken into and they stole his dvd/cd player, his mp3 player, and the ring. He has cried for 2 weeks. Since he bought the ring online he had a picture of it and he put it on flyers around Tuscaloosa.

Last night he tried to call, but I was talking to "M" and didnt get to talk to him.
He called this morning and told me that he got home late because he made it from Tusc. to Meridian and had to turn around and go back before he could come home.

His investagator found his ring. A pawn shop dealer had seen his flyers and recognized the ring. He called the police and let them view the video of the guy trying to sell it to him. The investagator gave the guys picture to the entire task force and someone recognized the man trying to sell the ring. The cops went to the guys house and scared him. He said that he knew who stole the ring, but that it wasnt him and he's try to get it back. He called back 30 minutes later and told the cops to meet him at a lightpole downtown. When the investagator got there, the ring was sitting in its box by the pole.

My brother is a devote Christian and has been praying for God to show him that its right to ask his girlfriend to marry him. I'd say thats a sign.

Starbucks Man of the Day

Finally, a good date. Yes, I am the Starbucks Player of the Year. Anyway, I met M the night before I met Mr. IWTFYBO. Anyway, we went to Pizza Hut that night and afterwards he told me that he was kind of seeing someone. I was bummed because I liked him. Anyway, last night I saw him again at Starbucks. He told me that he wasnt seeing anyone and he wanted to know if I wanted to come over later to have a beer or 2 with him and his friend  Ms. S. Anyway, all went well. Yay. He is very nice. He is 28, divorced, pretty cute. I like him a lot. We shall see what evolves.

 

I am feeling more like blogging, so maybe I will do some catching up tonight.

 

Make sure everyone goes and checks out the Bipolar Carnival on Dan�s blog, Wasted Scenes!

SIAD & the date from hell

Today is self injury awareness day. I wanted to write something super inspirational, informational, or something....but I cant think of anything to say that I havent said before...and I'm just not feeling like blogging lately.

I'm slipping into depression again. I can feel it. Maybe Im just depressed from my date tonight. I went out with Mr I wanna fuck your brains out (Mr IWFYBO). It sucked. He basically told me everything thats wrong with me and not one thing that he actually likes and then he asked if we could go back to my house and screw. I dont think so buddy. It sucked to say the least.

Anyway, as far as SIAD goes...there are some really good blogs by people who self injure. I'll post some links tomorrow maybe. I guess the main thing I want to get across on this day is that if you SI you arent alone. I do it. I hate it, but I do it. I also want people to be aware that we arent scary people because we SI.

Night everyone. I'm tired.