Friday, April 27, 2007

Letters to the Editor

Ok, maybe I am over-reacting....whatever. I recently picked up a copy of my school newspaper and read some of the letters to the editor. It seems that whenever I read the school newspaper, something pisses me off. Here is the letter that sent me into orbit, and my response to it. All names have been taken out.
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Given the negative press the UPD is getting regarding their arrest of a student for sending threatening messages on myspace, I have to take a minute out of the chaos called the end of the semester to say kudos to UPD and the other law enforcement agencies involved for actually taking a threat seriously. I also have to commend the faculty member who came forward to say he or she had been threatened for having the courage to do so.

First of all, I must say I do not know Mr. ***, nor has he been proven guilty. He may very well be innocent. Therefore, the following is not necessarily directed at him but at the events of the last few weeks regarding safety on university campuses and everywhere else for that matter. As the victim of threats in the past, I think the following needs to be said.

The fact of the matter is, no matter how well you think you know a person, you can NEVER know if they will do something crazy. Mental illness does that to people. One minute som eone can be the most wonderful, loving person in the world, the next minute they can turn into a horrible, incredibly violent person. The Cho family said last week they can't believe that their son/brother would do something that terrible. The person who went on a shooting rampage at Virginia Tech was not the Seung-Hui Cho they knew. Cho was mentally ill and many of those who are mentally ill are excellent deceivers. We have got to come up with a better way to handle the mentally ill in this country, especially those with violent tendencies. We have gotten so politically correct that we don't even let people know that someone around them has a problem that could lead to violence. It's terrible that someone is mentally ill but the safety of innocent people should come before the "privacy" of someone who is violent and mentally ill.

Also, once someone has threatened someone else, the person threatened has no way to know if the threatener will actually carry out those threats. Many, if not most, threats are probably never intented to be carried out. But, you can never know for sure. That's why people who make threats need to think before they speak or otherwise deal with the consequences (ie. jailtime). Noone should have to live in constant fear, just because someone spoke a few careless words.

I have much more to say but no space or time to say it. One last thing, I was a little leery about signing this letter with my real name. Unfortunately, one thing I've learned in life is there are very few people you can actually trust and putting my name out there almost makes me feel like a target. Too many people are stalked and threatened everyday and we never hear about it. Victims are afraid to come forward about it because they could face violent consequences from the person who threatened them especially if their claims are not taken seriously by law enforcement. I refuse to stop living my life and speaking out because of fear. Franklin Roosevelt said it best when he said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." If this letter makes me a target, so be it.
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There you go......that pissed me off......and here is MY letter to the editor, which will most likely not be printed because it makes too much damn sense :)
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I have 2 words for *** **** : Educate Yourself. I hate to be the one to break it to her, but she sits in her classes every day with mentally ill people. One out of every 10 people in this country has a mood disorder, and I am one of them.

Never, even in my deepest lows or highest manic states, have I been a violent person. In fact, I think of myself as very laid back and successful. I have a state job, I am a graduate student at ***, and I maintain a 4.0 GPA even though I work full-time. I am married to a wonderful man and lead a fairly normal, productive life.

I had no idea that such ignorance existed today on college campuses. Surely if Ms. *** had even sat through PSY 101, she would know that the vast majority of mentally ill people are not violent. I am frustrated by her comments because her insensitive remarks only add to the stigma that mentally ill people face daily.

Succumbing to an ideology that a group of people need to be "handled" in this country is no different that what happened in Nazi Germany. I find her remarks to be dehumanizing, seeming to refer to people with mental illness as a group that should wear scarlet letters on their chests so everyone can stay away from them. What's next, sending us to concentration camps?

Had Ms. Foster bothered to google "mental illness and violence", she would have discovered these facts:

1.                          Research has shown that the vast majority of people who are violent do not suffer from mental illnesses.

2.                          People with psychiatric disabilities are far more likely to be victims than perpetrators of violent crime.

3.                          People with severe mental illness are 2 1⁄2 times more likely to be attacked, raped or mugged than the general population.

4.                          Someone with Schizophrenia is 2,000 times more likely to harm themselves than they are likely to harm someone else.

 

If we all lived being afraid of the mentally ill, we would have been afraid of: Abraham Lincoln, Beethoven, Van Gogh, Sir Isaac Newton, Winston Churchill, Michelangelo, Theodore Roosevelt, John Nash, Buzz Aldrin, and many others who have greatly contributed to society, despite their disabilities.

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There you go. Overboard for nothing? Or did I have the right to be pissed??

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Rant of the Day

It's time for me to stir things up. I know you all love it when I do this. I'm sure I'll get some interesting rants & raves from this one, but I must speak what is on my mind.
 
In my last blog I informed you all of a guy at my school who was arrested for making "threats" on myspace. These threats were seen by a professor, reported to campus police, and the calvary was sent out. The kid remains in jail on a $1 million bond. Now, I dont know this kid, and let me say that if he was really planning on coming and shooting us up to smitherenes, I would be the first to say to lock him up and throw away the key. However, most of the information reguarding the "threats" have not been disclosed and things are starting to look alittle fishy.
 
In keeping up with the lovely case, I have read what this kids friends on myspace say are the bulletins that got him arrested. The worst thing in the bulletins are quotes from the Columbine killers. I believe that the kid was trying to make a point though, I dont think he was actually agreeing with what the Columbine guys said. I think he was pointing to the ways the nutso kids think after the trajedy at VT. On his myspace page, the young man has a couple of stories - some alittle violent, but mostly silly and immature and nothing that threatens anyone. He has posted rants on a couple of issues and used language thats pretty vulgar and says things that are offensive to many people....but still no direct threats. If you can go to jail for being a complete moron, this kid shouldve been locked up long ago. Apparently, when his home (that he shares with his grandmother) was searched, many weapons were found, but none were illegal and he had owned most of them for a long time.
 
When asked by local reporters why he had the weapons, the kid responded "I collect guns, I havent threatened anyone. This is a huge misunderstanding."
 
Heres where I am going to upset some people. I dont want this to seem like I am taking up for a would-be murderer, I just havent seen anything that warrants his arrest. I certainly wouldnt take up for someone who could have riddled me with bullets, but I dont think this kid was going to hurt anyone. If he did threaten someone on the internet, that is a felony in our state, but police have not offered up any evidence thus far to prove that was the case. Everyone on his friends list that saw what he posted said that nothing was aimed at anyone, the kid likes to get people rialed up, and police have obviously misunderstood some of his statements.
 
With what I have seen so far, this case makes me really afraid to post online....which I obviously do quite often. If the police here read my blog, I'd probably be locked up in an institution for the rest of my years. Maybe its the liberal in me coming out (which doesnt always go over well where I am from), but I am afraid that our civil liberties are slowly being taken away. Freedom of Speech is something we all take for granted. I can come here and call the president a dumbass, or my school a shithole, and its cool....for now. When did it become a crime to rant about things? If every psychopath online that posts sick fantasies about death or sex or whatever was arrested, we wouldnt have enough jails. So this kid has guns. Last time I checked, that isnt a crime.
 
If you go online and say, "I hate ____, I'm going to shoot them with my gun"...then, yes-crime.
 
If you go online and say things that make people uncomfortable, things that piss people off, things that shock people....well, if they arrest you, you should be in the same cell as Rob Zombie, Stephen King, and whoever made those stupid Saw movies. God forbid you do all of that AND own guns. Youre screwed when big bro comes knocking on your door because you said you didnt like your teacher on myspace.
 
I dont have guns....for various reasons. Mainly because I am likely to fall into some deep depression at some point and use the damn thing on myself. If someone breaks in my house, I will have to rely on my ninja skills and my baseball bat. I am not in the NRA. I think Charleston Heston is a nutcase. But - I believe if there is a law on the books that says you have the right to bear arms, then you should have the right to bear arms as long as you follow the law.
 
I just dont want to live in a place that polices people before they commit a crime. They look suspicious, they lock them up. They say something off the wall, they lock them up. This could be dangerous for us ALL...as citizens first, as writers, as artist, as bloggers. Ever seen Minority Report? If you havent - rent it. I hate Tom Cruise, but the movie is really good. The world could honestly become like that, where people are put in prison because they "might" commit a crime. This becomes even more realistic as genetics are figured out...have too much of a chemical that causes violence when youre born? Locked Up. Its a possibility we should all be aware of....especially those of us with mental illness.
 
I hate to seem like a weirdo conspiracy theorist, because I am really not. I just think its important that we stand up for our rights and we dont let people get run over that dont deserve it.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Crazy Frickin World

The breaking news of the day: Some crazy dude was coming to kill us all at school. Thank God we arent there very much!! Apparently this guy was posting stuff on myspace about killing people and a bunch of crap about some girl (who apparently didnt want anything to do with the dude). The girl told a professor at our school, who checked out the guys myspace page and alerted authorities. The guy is 25 years old, and a student in the architectural program (the program that J and I are in), which means he takes classes in our building. The police were called and went to the guys house with a search warrant. He had an ARSENAL in the trunk of his car! He was coming after us! They say that the myspace stuff started before the horror at VT. Good Lord, you never know, do you?
 
I dont even want to talk much about the VT stuff. I think that the media is way out of line with what they release. Personally, knowing the guy was nuts is enough for me. I do not care to see pictures of him brandishing weapons 24/7 and mumbling about how shitty his life was. No thanks, and Im sure the people in Virginia dont want to see it either. Cant the media drop it and let the families and the campus heal instead of pouring salt in the wounds every 5 seconds with more info than anybody wants to know. The media is just doing what the killer wanted them to do....they are giving him the attention he wanted, and they are planting this kind of crap in the minds of other wackos who will want to out-do this kid. I'm tired of it. Im praying for the victims families, the family of the psycho, and I hope that God will place his hand on their shoulders and help them through this. Its awful.
 
I hope all of this crap doesnt intensify the stigma of the mentally ill. Of course, it will...I am sure. Obviously, the VT guy didnt want help. He had chances to change things...to help himself....people tried to help him, but he obviously wasnt having it. You cant be helped if you arent willing to be helped. I learned that early on in the Bipolar diagnosis stage, thank God. I had to accept help, be open to things, be honest to my doc, and work HARD to get to where I am now. Its not frickin easy, as anyone with bipolar disorder can tell you. It SUCKS. New meds, side effects, not sleeping, sleeping too much, invasive thoughts, sounds, nightmares, the spending, the shaking, the crying...just read my archives, my story is there. You have to be willing to hang on to the hope that theres light on the other side of the tunnel....even if youre hanging by a string at times. You have to WANT to be well, or youre never going to be. You have to WORK to be pulled out of the misery, y ou cant just lay down and take it or it will overtake you. It can get out of control. You have to get off your ass, as hard as it may be, and DO something...even with no energy, even if you cant brush your teeth, even with everything crashing around you....and it SUCKS, but its necessary if you want to ever have any kind of decent quality of life. I struggle all the time....but not as often and not as severe as I used to, and theres such a difference from where I was to where I am now, that I feel like a totally different person....still me, but not so sad and angry and guilty and crazy. Bipolar doesnt go away, but we can give it hell.
 
Other things: Chantix? Anyone? I need to stop smoking damn it. I need a cig right now. crap.
 
later.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Ramblings of the Day

Hey everybody,
 
I want to thank everyone thats stopped by and left comments. I thought I had lost everyone! Hopefully things will pick up around here.
 
Not much is going on. I went and watched my littlest bro play tennis yesterday. He is playing for a junior college and was playing against the local junior college where I live. It was good to see him, but I must say that I didnt know I hated tennis until yesterday. Good Lord, it lasts forever!! ....and nothing exciting ever happens!! Sorry if you are a major tennis fan, I just dont get it. Now I am sunburned and I have a headache. Yay.
 
Other than that, all thats happening is work and school. Work hasnt been too stressful lately though. Last week we had Special Olympics, which is always cool. This Friday we are having a Relay for Life Day with some cool things going on....I've got one of my friend's band to play, so that should be fun. School sucks as usual. We were up REALLY late doing homework AGAIN last night. I am tired. Whats freakin new. This school thing is getting old fast, Im not sure if Im going to make it. I'd rather spend my time doing stuff around the house.
 
We didnt get to use the tiller this weekend :( The weather sucked. I was disappointed. I hope I can get the dirt destruction happening soon. Jeremy has poison ivy all over himself. I feel really bad for him. He is an itchy mess. Yuck! I think he's going to go get a shot today.
 
On to the point of this blog (which is not always just about random crap going on in my life)..... I got this email from a reader the other day and I wanted to share the links with everyone because the sites are REALLY good. The videos are especially good and theres lots of info for the Bipolar crowd:
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Hi Jil,  

I run a number of mental health Web sites.  I came across your blog some time ago, and I have followed your adventures with interest.  It's good to have you back. :)  

To (quickly) give you a little bit of background on the sites I run –  BipolarConnect, MyDepressionConnection, AnxietyConnection and Schizophrenia Connection – these sites are designed to help patients find the information they need, manage their conditions, and connect with others through our recently launched SharePost feature, in which individuals can set up a profile and write blogs, questions, recommendations – basically whatever is on their mind that they'd like to sha re with the community. 

In addition, we have launched a few new projects that I thought might be of interest to you.  We have recently expanded the scope of our content with two new videos, produced in collaboration with the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA), featuring community members sharing their stories of diagnosis and recovery.   

Finally, to give you a sneak preview of some exciting new projects coming up within the next few weeks, we plan to launch a video presentation by our lead Expert Patient John McManamy, in which he shares his insight on living well with depression and bipolar disorder.  We have also a number of video interviews – produced in alliance with NARSAD – of some of the top psychiatrists and researchers in the country about the latest research and coping strategies for depression and bipolar disorder.   

I would love it if you would stop by, pay us a visit and let me know what you think!

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Go check them out.....all of the sites are really informative, and like I said, the videos are great. I really think seeing the faces of people like us who deal with the same issues really helps us to know that we arent alone.

On another note (Im going to shut up in a minute), has anyone used Chantix to stop smoking? I've tried everything in the world: patches, losenges, gum, even some huge green herbal pills that were disgusting... soooooo, I just was wondering if anyone had used Chantix, if it interfered with any other meds, if youve had luck with it, all that kind of stuff. Ive got to quit smoking. I hate it. I hate it and love it at the same time :(

later.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Jil's Blog - I told you so...

See, 2 days in a row...I really am back. Youre all amazed, I know. My goal is writing here once a week these days, we'll see how that goes.
 
Not that much has changed since yesterday.
 
I talked to mom, she has seen wedding pictures. I have not. She says that since it was so dark, the photographer was having to do some doctoring....but she says theyre awesome. He is going to try to burn us a cd of some that he is finished with to hold us over. Cant wait to see them. I'll post a couple when I get them. Good Lord, it is taking him forever to "doctor".
 
Im ready for the weekend. We are working in the yard Saturday if nothing else interferes. My bro is supposed to be bringing us a tiller. I wanna drive the tiller thing!! Scary, huh. I will have dug up the whole yard, I can see it now.
 
I think we have to do some homework. We are supposed to have a character animated by the 23rd and my character isnt even finished, much less animated. I hate school crap.
 
We are supposed to be getting our house plan business started in full swing when school is out...which isnt that far away. I am working on our websites. I think we are going to have 1 big umbrella company with some smaller companies underneath...one for house plans, one for 3d models/animation, one for graphics and presentations, and possibly another for some video editing stuff. We havent nailed it all down for sure.
 
Another thing we are planning to do pretty soon is start visiting schools and talk about what we do....maybe let some kids know what they need to study to create video games, 3d models, or what they need to do to get into architecture. I figure they will like seeing J's robot that he modeled more than anything. I think first up is the school where my step-dad teaches computer technology stuff. We are also planning on donating some art supplies to some schools. J is really into that since most schools dont even have art programs anymore...how sad for the kids that could make a living doing that sort of thing!! How can you draw plans, storyboards, etc. if you dont learn somewhere! Anyway, I'm hoping we can do this stuff soon. I've gotta talk to some people and get it all lined up.
 
Thats it from me. Anybody got anything going on, or has everybody stopped reading since I disappeared for like 3 months!!
 
later.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I'm Back (I Think)

Yes, I am alive. I know its been a long time since I have written here. The wedding stuff, school, and the busiest freakin month ever at work kind of put a damper on the blogging thing.
 
I am a married woman. YAY The wedding turned out awesome. It was fun, and our honeymoon to Oregon was great....we saw tons of sealions, an eagle, and all sorts of stuff. I really liked the coast and Portland. The japanese garden in Portland was really beautiful. We didnt want to come home.....but here we are. Now we are working on doing house stuff. We're doing alot in the yard (so far its been Jeremy doing lots of stuff in the yard, but I am hoping to get out there and get dirty soon). Life has calmed a lot since the wedding is over and done with, thank the good Lord.
 
We've been focusing a lot on school. I am sooooo ready for summer break. I taught a class last night and it was interesting. I really have lost faith in undergrads at my college. I think about 4 people understood what the hell I was talking about last night and 2 of them were Jeremy and myself. However, I didnt get too many stupid questions. I think the really stupid people were so dumbfounded that they didnt even know what to ask. I think I am finished teaching stuff for the semester. I am glad. I used to think I could teach, but I dont think I can. I just have no patience with dumb people and I dont like being asked the same question 50 times. Honestly, the whole reason for getting my master's was to teach on the college level....but that was a total pipe dream. I would totally go off on someone and it would not be good. No teaching for me. I can understand young kids who dont grasp material, but Seniors in college should be alittle deeper into the learning process and I swe ar some of them act like Freshmen. Oh well, no teaching for me.
 
I havent been here to give any bipolar updates lately. Not much has changed. I am still on my same meds and I seem to be fairly stable. Meds - 100mg Lamictal, 60mg Cymbalta. I have quit taking everything else. No more Abilify. I have "crazy moments" on occasion...some noise in my ears...but nothing that Im not able to handle. I think it helps alot to have someone at home to keep me busy. I usually have a waaaaay tougher time with the depression side of things and I havent been too totally down in a while. My energy level sucks, but thats really all I have to complain about....and since I have been so busy, its probably normal to be tired all the time. My doc visits are less frequent than they used to be, which I suppose means that I am kind of where I need to be at the moment and thats a good thing.
 
I was reading through some old e-mails and I guess it kind of hit me how far Ive come from where I was 5 years ago. At that time I was in a relationship that was making me crazier than I was by being bipolar in the first place. I had just started meds and they were totally kicking my ass....getting used to them was not fun, and changing things so much made my brain complete chaos. When I ended the relationship I was in, I had nowhere to live....and just didnt think life in general was for me. Thank God for meds and the passage of time. At that time I never thought it was possible to be where I am now. In fact, I really didnt see myself living much longer....frequent suicidal thoughts, a few attempts....I'm just happy I didnt succeed. I hope if any of you are thinking that way, that somehow you can see that things wont always be like they are right now. I couldnt see that at the time. I'm actually at a point where I am looking forward to the future and I dont think I have EVER been at that point before.
 
I'm hoping I can get back to writing here alittle more often....probably not as often as I used to until school is out....but I am alive and kicking.
 
later folks.