Thursday, August 31, 2006

Stuff

Someone asked how I pull off the going to school thing. To be honest, the jury is still out on that one, I�ve only been in school a week. It seems like school kind of grounds me alittle though. When I was in school for my undergrad degree, I only had about 2 or 3 psycho semesters, and most of them I was drinking a lot or smoking a lot of weed. I wasn�t on meds either. So, it will be interesting to see how it goes this time. This is the first time Ive been in school since Ive been on medication, so who knows what will happen. Usually, school gives me something to focus on other than myself. I also feel like I cant quit because Im paying a crapload for this mess. Anyway, I cant really answer the question because I am not sure yet. It will be hard to handle school & work, and I am very glad that I am not in school full time. I definitely wouldn�t make it. Taking 2 classes seems like its going to be hard enough. I like having things to do though and I have met a couple of people that are graduate students too. The good thing about grad school is that you don�t have to take all those BS classes that are required for your undergrad. So basically, I get to take classes that I get some sort of enjoyment from (minus the thesis class, which could be cool if I actually got to work on my thesis).

 

Anyway, I have to come up with a topic for a paper in my modeling & animation class. I think I am going to do it on e-commerce in virtual reality. The only thing is, I�m supposed to survey some people in industry to see what they think about certain things, but I don�t know many people that do e-commerce in VR, so that will be the difficult part. I�m going to try to look online and see if I can find some people somewhere in this universe to email or something.

 

I have a meeting with my team tonight to try to get our presentation done. It will be interesting because I don�t feel like we really prepared ourselves. I think we should at least have figured out which paper we are going to do the presentation on. It will probably be a long night.

 

This has been a weird week since my normal routine has been altered. I haven�t been getting in my daily naps. I slept good last night. I fell asleep on the couch with all the lights on, my shoes on and everything at about 8:00 and I woke up at 2:30.

 

On a bipolar note, I did get some Lamictal samples to try to make it until I can find my stupid prescription card. I may have to just call and get a new one. I haven�t been able to clean my car yet, and I want to do that first to make sure that its not in there.

 

Oh yeah, someone is coming to cut my grass today!!! woooohoooo

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Cymbalta and School

As soon as I take my meds in the morning, my stomach starts to hurt. I think it�s the Cymbalta. That seems to be a common side effect. I hate it. I cant eat anything because I am afraid I will throw up. Even my morning Mountain Dew bothers me. Does anyone else have stomach issues with Cymbalta? Ive heard of a lot of people that aren�t able to take it because they puke 24/7, but I seemed to be handling it quite well until the last month or so. Ive even cut down my dosage. I don�t know what the deal is.

 

School was interesting last night. Things have changed a lot in the 5 years that Ive been out of school. They use different software that I�ve never used. The class I went to last night was Modeling and Animation. The software seems pretty easy to use. Ive used a lot of different 3d applications, so Im not worried about learning it. I just was hoping that we would use 3D Max because I am good at it and theres a lot more that I could learn about it. We are using the free Google 3D software, Sketchup. Its pretty simple. I guess it will be cool to learn something I haven�t used. I think I will be able to apply it to what I want to do. I like making buildings in 3D and that�s what the software does and its able to be imported into the game engine I use for 3D, so that�s cool. The graduate part of the class should be more interesting than the crap Ive had to read for my thesis class (which sucks). Our project will be building our school cam pus in 3D and putting it on Google Earth, so that will be cool. We have to write a huge ass paper too, but I think I�ll be able to use some of it in my thesis. It was a long night (6:30-9:15), but I did learn stuff.

 

Upon reading my thesis class assignment again, I realized that we are supposed to read two articles instead of one. The one he gave us was 9 pages long. The other one is 25 pages long, and they are equally boring. Who wants to read about methodology of the construction industry. Not me. It has nothing to do with what my thesis will be about. I am not sure why in the world we have to read it, but whatever. I have a meeting with my group tomorrow night to work on our powerpoint presentation. We have to choose one of the articles to do our presentation on. So far I do not like my thesis class if you haven�t gotten that impression. I�m ready to write about what I am interested in, which is virtual reality. I don�t know if he�s trying to get us used to reading 9 million articles or what, but I want to research my own research interests. Guess I don�t get to choose at the moment.

Monday, August 28, 2006

School Daze

I am over my anger a bit. It didnt last all day, but it was kicking my ass last night. I just took a vistaril and I am waiting for it to kick in. It really doesnt do much for me obviously since I havent slept in a while. I am tired tonight though, so maybe I'll sleep.

I am out of Lamictal. I was going to go pick it up today and I cant find my stupid prescription thingy card. So...no meds. I'm going to clean out my car tomorrow. I hope its in there under god knows what. I think I will call and get some samples until I find it. I lose everything. Most of the everything I lose is probably in my car.

I tried to mow my grass today. Now it just has a mowhawk. My little mower just couldnt handle it. Must get someone with a big mower to do it. It looks pathetic.

Class wasnt too bad. My teacher hardly speaks English and he wasnt there so he taped his lecture and they played it over the speaker things...I couldnt understand a damn word. We have to do a presentation on some horrible 9 page article he is making us read. Its bad. I have no clue what any of it means. I hope my team members are smart because I feel like a dumbass. One of my team guys is really cute. I have my other class tomorrow night. I shall update you all on that event later.

Since you cant hear music on my blog here's some White Stripes lyrics for you all:

Fall is here, hear the yell
Back to school, ring the bell
Brand new shoes, walking blues
Climb the fence, book and pens I
can tell that we are gonna be friends
I can tell that we are gonna be friends

Walk with me, Suzy Lee
Through the park, by the tree
We will rest upon the ground
And look at all the bugs we've found
Then safely walk to school Without a sound
Then safely walk to school Without a sound

Here we are, no one else
We walked to school all by ourselves
There's dirt on our uniforms
From chasing all the ants and worms
We clean up and now it's time to learn
We clean up and now it's time to learn

Numbers, letters, learn to spell
Nouns, and books, and show and tell
At playtime we will throw the ball
Back to class, through the hall
The teacher marks our height against the wall
The teacher marks our height against the wall

We don't notice any time pass
We don't notice anything
We sit side by side in every class
Teacher thinks that I sound funny
But she likes the way you sing

Tonight I'll dream while I'm in bed
When silly thoughts go through my head
About the bugs and alphabet
And when I wake tomorrow I'll bet
That you and I will walk together again
I can tell that we are going to be friends
Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends

Raving Lunatic

I am just down right angry at the world for no apparent reason. I have no reason at all to be mad, no one to blame, just my own personal weirdness. I couldn�t even sleep last night I was so mad. It was like I was just brewing over with anger and my mind wouldn�t stop. I get so aggravated with people. People leave you, hurt you, hate you, fail you, betray you�thankfully I have a God that doesn�t do any of those things. I prayed and prayed last night to have this anger lifted from me. My anger made me doubt God, I was mad at even Him - for nothing I might add, I just don�t know what my deal is. I prayed that He�d help me hand it all over to Him, that he�d forgive me for my doubts, and then I just really couldn�t say anything else to Him. He knows what goes on in my head though, I thought I would just shut up and let Him work on me.  I shouldn�t depend on people, I should depend on Him. Man, its hard though because people are visible and God isn�t. I know we aren�t supposed to be comfortable in this world because we aren�t of this world�we are aliens, belonging in heaven, but I am ready to fast forward to heaven. This living stuff is making me crazy. I am feeling alittle better this morning even though I am only operating on about 2 and a half hours of sleep. Maybe the sleep thing will settle once I get in school for a couple of weeks. I don�t feel like I am nervous or anything, but maybe it has something to do with it? I don�t know.

 

Do any of you get angry for no reason? I mean, this would make sense if someone really pissed me off, but life has been going along like normal. I�m not even irritable, I�m just freaking pissed off. I�m sure there is some deeply rooted psychological reason that can only be explained by Freud, but that�s doing me no good. I am having some paranoia too. Not really bad. I don�t think people are going to try to invade my house or anything, I�m just having weird social phobia or something. People are making me nervous. Its weird. Its not good that people are making me nervous and I have to go to school this afternoon where there are 9 zillion people in a hurry to get to their classes. I�m sure I will make it though. I need like a double shot of Abilify I think.

Friday, August 25, 2006

What I know About My Meds

In answer to a question posted in the comments, I wanted to talk a bit about the meds I take. First of all, I wanna say that Im not a doctor, dont take what I say as the gospel, and all meds work differently on different people.

I take Lamictal as a mood stabilizer. It can cause a major rash, swollen glands, and lots of other crap if you have a reaction to it. I never have, luckily, and it works well for me. I have been on Depakote before. It was a totally different coctail though and it didnt work for me. I like Lamictal alot. Its an anti-convulsant. In the same class as Topamax and things like that. I am taking 100mg although I am prescribed 200.

Abilify is in a different class of drugs, its an anti-psychotic, it helps with seeing things and hearing things and all of that kind of stuff. It works GREAT for me, I never hear anything anymore and my paranoia has diminished drastically. Personally, I dont know anyone thats had a weird reaction to it, but thats not saying it isnt possible. I take 15 mg in the morning. It worked quickly for me. I think that if its going to do something weird to you, you would know it pretty fast. I started out on a baby dose, just 5 mg. I am not sure what most people start at. Abilify is in the same class as things like zyprexa and haldol. Zyprexa worked wonders for me, but I kept gaining weight, so I switched. If anyone has had weird side effects with Abilify, let me know.

I take Cymbalta for an anti-depressant. I take 60 mg, although I am prescribed 90. Its the first anti-depressant thats done much for me. I am waaaaay on the depressive side of bipolar disorder most of the time and I think Cymbalta keeps me alive. I have been on Wellbutrin (made me mean), Celexa (made me sad), Effexor (made me manic), Paxil (made me sad), and a variety of others that I cant even remember. Cymbalta has really helped me alot.

Thats really all I know. Make sure you read the stuff that comes with your meds and talk to your doctor about stuff that goes on. www.crazymeds.org is a good place to look up side effects, they dont hold much back there.

Bipolar & Useless

Man, Im having a hard time remembering my meds. I missed them yesterday, got some coffee last night and didnt sleep a wink. I actually slept from about 3 a.m. until 5:30. Not my idea of a very restful night. I played on myspace all night. I am addicted. Go to www.myspace.com/sunraven0 if you want to be my friend :) Just send me a message so I will know you came from here. I like going on the bipolar groups. I learn a lot about meds and other stuff there. Its pretty cool. A lot of them have the same info on them though and that drives me crazy.

 

I think my mood is shifting up a little bit. Its kind of scary though, especially since I didn�t sleep last night. Why is it like that? One way or the other? Sleep all the time or sleep none at all. Ive been told that there is no happy medium with our moods, even with meds. Thats kind of depressing. I guess even normies don�t have a happy medium most of the time, but it sure would be nice to just have a normal sleeping pattern, normal appetite, not cry, not want to jump off of a building, not think people are going to invade your house, not hear stuff (although that has gotten MUCH better since taking Abilify, it works awesome for me). Is that asking too much really? Even though my meds kind of have me in a better place moodwise than no meds at all, things still aren�t right. Is that just the life of a bipolar person?

 

I have done absolutely nothing all week. I swear I am thoroughly useless. I am planning on cleaning my house this afternoon and mowing my yard in the morning if it doesnt rain. I am so tired of rainy days. Talk about doing nothing, if it rains I cant function for some reason. I think me and a friend are going to ride our bikes to see Talladega Nights Saturday afternoon after my yard mowing frenzy. I need a dang tractor to get to my house. My yard guy has deserted me. :( That seriously disturbs me, and hell, it rains every freakin day anyway, so when am I supposed to mow the jungle?? I wont mow wet grass�just not gonna happen with my new lawnmower. Ok, I just wrote an entire paragraph about the grass at my house. How sad that I have nothing better to talk about.

 

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Casting Crowns - Prodigal

I thought about this song after I wrote the last post:

Living on my own, thinking for myself
Castles in sand, temporary wealth
Walls are falling down, storms are closing in
Tears have filled my eyes, here I am again

And I've held out as long as I can
Now I'm letting go and holding out my hand
Daddy, here I am again, will you take me back tonight
I went and made the world my friend, and it left me high and dry
I dragged Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end?
Daddy, here I am
Here I am again

Curse this morning sun, drags me in to one more day
Of reaping what I've sown, of living with my shame
Welcome to my world, and the life that I have made
Where one day you're a prince, the next day your a slave

The Prodigal Jil

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is that of the prodigal son in Luke. This dude went out and went nuts, wasting his inheritance on hookers and stuff and ended up working in a pigpen starving to death. He decided to go back home to his father and the dad received him with open arms and he kissed him and put his best robe, sandals, and a ring on him. It�s a pretty cool story because a lot of parents aren�t like that.

 

I think the story really shows what God the Father is really like. No matter how far we�ve fallen or gone nuts, Gods arms are always open to receive us, reaching out to us with love. The father in the story says something like �my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.� I think God is like that. He rejoices when we come back to Him and he doesn�t ask about the things we�ve done. He already knows and He loves us anyway.

 

Lord knows I�ve run about as far away from God as humanly possible. The deal is, we cant run far because He�s with us if we are His children, no matter how far off the beaten path we trod. I think its cool that even though I have been through a ton of crap and done a lot of wrong things, God couldn�t wait for me to come back to Him. That�s cool because I�m so unworthy.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Some Dribble

I havent been in much of a writing mood lately. I forgot my meds Saturday and Sunday like a dumbass and Ive been feeling quite strange ever since. I am sure I will get better now that I am back on the medicine track. Ive had a continuous headache since the weekend. I think it may be from missing meds. I get off of my schedule on the weekends and have a hard time remembering medicine. Hopefully all will be well soon. I don�t know how my mood is at the moment, I�m kind of wired, but tired at the same time. I hope I don�t fall into a mixed state. That�s the worst.

 

School starts for me Monday. I am kind of excited about it, which is strange. It will be something new, and I need something to do anyway. I have some ideas for my thesis, so I don�t feel like I am starting school with no clue whatsoever about what I am going to do. My newest career idea is to get my Ph.D. and teach. That�s my plan at the moment, but you never know. My plans change like the weather. I�m also keeping myself open to some architectural jobs. I like doing visualization, so that would be cool. I just think I might get tired of it. If I have to do the same stuff over and over again, I get pretty bored. We�ll see what happens. Ive gotta get through the master�s program first. It may drive me crazier than I already am.

 

I have kind of gotten over the thing with my friend. I have to, I guess. You guys are right, some people are just bastards. I just don�t understand it, ya know, and I hate that. I hate not knowing exactly what I did to piss someone off, especially since I don�t particularly enjoy pissing people off in the first place (or at least most people).

 

Anyway, not much else is going on. I have to get my car fixed sometime this week before school starts. I have a small hole in my radiator and that sucks bigtime. It�s time for a new vehicle. I think I am going to get a RAV 4. I found one I like, but I am trying to wait until December or January when the 2006 models get cheaper. I hope my car makes it that long, I think its on its last leg.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

"Friends"

Ok, I have to vent before I can sleep, so here I go. I don’t know WHAT THE HELL the deal is, but some how, some way, I make everyone I know hate my guts.

For example – tonight I went to my moms and had dinner and it was great. On the way home I thought I would go by and see a friend of mine that was pretty much my mother all through high school. We’ve lost touch some because she decided to hate me when I was with Linda, but I thought we were over that since Im not with a female at the moment. Anyway, I called and she answered and I said “This is your long lost surrogate child.” …she hung up on me. I went by there and she wouldn’t come to the door. It seems I am really good at getting people to hang up in my face. That’s like saying F*&K You to someone…. I swear I don’t need enemies with the friends I have…ummm, oh yeah, I DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS!....or none within a 500 mile radius anyway.

I don’t understand this though. What is it about me? Everyone I love goes nuts and leaves me or hates me. I think I am a pretty damn nice person. I like doing things for people, I am a good friend, I think. I must be missing something. Anyone give me some clues??

So now, her goal is reached and I feel like shit. I swear, I really go out of my way to be nice to people and when I really care about someone I think they care about me too…I guess that’s bullshit. People really suck. I guess I expect too much from people, but you know, hell, I don’t expect a lot. All I wanted to do tonight was see pics of her new grandson and catch her up to speed on what Im doing. Oh well. I have this problem with giving up on people, I shouldve given up on her a long time ago when she got all pissed about the lesbian thing. People are SO conditional. She could hack someone to pieces and I’d still love her.

I feel like crap. My NP always says I have low self esteem, well no fucking wonder.

Alittle Better

I feel alittle bit better this morning. I slept really well last night. I took a Vistaril at 9:00 and hit the sack. I don�t think my cat even woke me up once, which is amazing. I am still a little sluggish and down right irritable, but so far I haven�t actually considered hacking my head off with a Kaiser blade�but it is early yet.

 

Tonight is the Pagan potluck thing, I am not sure if I am going yet, gas prices are killing me. Anyway, should be interesting if I make it there. I would really like to go look at the illustrator guy�s art.

 

I have orientation for school tomorrow. I have no idea what in the heck they are going to orient us on, but whatever, the thing said �new graduate students are expected to attend.� So�there I will be. I�m ready for the show to get on the road. I have got to start thinking about my thesis. I haven�t a clue what in the world it�s going to be about. Hopefully, my grad committee will have some input; I just hope it doesn�t totally blow my mind.

 

I would rate myself a 2.24 on the 10 scale today�that�s better than being in the negative like I have been the past couple of days. That�s an improvement, which is kind of sad�but hey, I�ll take it.

 

I started feeling alittle better yesterday�a friend called to check on me and it made me feel good. Sometimes little things like that help a lot, especially when you are like me and have no interaction with any humans other than at work and occationally with strangers at Javawerks. I got a good nap too & I slept well, so maybe things will start picking up. I hope the mood keeps improving a bit, I really like to be at least a 5 on the 10 scale.

 

I subscribed to BP magazine at www.bphope.com I keep checking my mail for it every day because I am really excited about it. Maybe it will come today. I am excited that there is a magazine dedicated to folks like us BP-ers. Anyway, that�s my only news for the day.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Under Attack

I swear I feel like demons are stabbing me in the brain or something. A friend pointed out that I could be under attack by demons because I had been doing so well getting back on track. I feel under attack. I feel really drained. I slept allll day after work yesterday and all night. I thought I would feel better this morning, but nooooo, I still feel really crappy. I�m having a lot more suicidal ideation than normal. I have it all the time, but its pretty intense right now. My whole body still hurts like it did when I was really sick. I get so tired of feeling like this. How can you get rid of demons? I know yall probably think I am crazy for thinking this. I don�t think I am possessed or anything. I just feel like I am being slowly tortured. Maybe I am being tested�or maybe I am just frickin bipolar and am feeling shitty.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Weapons of Past Destruction

I feel like crap this morning. I slept about 3 hours. I will be taking the Vistaril early tonight and maybe I can get some rest. I am just royally messed up right now for some reason.

 

I don�t know why, but some past stuff is bothering me pretty bad. I think its because Ive been seeing my dad a good bit lately. That�s always enough to drag up some lovely memories. Its really hurting my brain right now. I like to say none of that junk bothers me, but on occasion it crashes down on me and suffocates me. Its really hard to function with that on top of a depressive episode.

 

Can you ever get past horrible things in your life that have happened to you? I forgive. I cant forget�and it all chooses the most inopportune times to attack me. I was doing just fine and them BAM � I�m screwed. I feel like just staying at home and crying all day, but I cant have a mental health day because Ive been sick all frickin week.

 

I�m having a hard time. I don�t really know what to do about it. I am taking my meds and all of that great junk. Maybe I need some time off from dad, Ive seen him the past 3 weekends in a row. I don�t know, I hate to be like that, but damn, I just feel overwhelmed right now. I�m really sensitive to EVERYTHING. I could cry at the drop of a hat.

 

Oh well, this too shall pass.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Its kinda funny...

how my moods change. I want to crawl under a rock and die. Guess I need to mark this on the good old mood chart. whatever good that shit does. I hope this doesnt last long...but it seems my moods are up a couple of weeks and down a couple. no fun on the road ahead.

by the way, the chick I liked moved far far away, so I dont have to worry about that anymore. Its actually a very good thing.

Razorblade by Blue October

In the day by day collision
Called the art of growing up
There's an innocence we look for in the stars
To be taken back to younger days
When there was no giving up
On the people we held closest to our hearts

Yeah it is you that I remember in that glowing
It is you that took my first away from me
It is you I set my standards to...
to every walk of life
I haven't met another you since you were with me.

A brief bout with a razorblade cut me
I freaked out, thinking people didn't love me
I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me
In letting go, I am so proud of what I've done

In a way, I failed religionI
spit the wine from mouth to cup
And I reached for something more than just your God
Uncle, you spared not your children
And while your praying hands are up
There's no forgiveness for you! You sick fuck!
It is you that I remember in their bedroom
It is you that took their first away from them
It is you they set their standards to
You wounded them for life
You were a preacher and suppose to be above men

Sing with me
A brief bout with a razorblade cut me
I freaked out, thinking people didn't love me
I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me
In letting go, I am so proud of what I've done

Friday, August 11, 2006

Tired of It

Sometimes I think this blog is just bullshit. Can you tell I forgot my meds today?

Pagans Night Out

Well, the other night I was at Javawerks and I met a guy that is a professional illustrator. He had some paintings with him and he was really cool and sat down with me and showed me how to do some stuff. He was very cool. He was with his girlfriend and another friend. They invited me to sit with them. They all wore black and had the goth thing going on, but I thought they were nice, so I sat with them. They invited me to their house Wednesday for "Pagans Night Out", I am considering it. I told them I was very Christian and they said that was cool, that they just talk and eat. The illustrator guy told me he would show me more stuff if I came over. So I am thinking about it. I know I am probably nuts for considering it. But, hey, Jesus hung out with interesting people, not the goody 2 shoes of the world....so we shall see. I just want to see the guys paintings and learn some stuff. I'm thinking about a blog post called "Why Chrisitianity"...I think I need to have that totally clear in my mind in case I am asked...and it helps me to get my mind clear when I write about things.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Some Pics



Gaydom & Contentment

I�m struggling with my sexuality AGAIN. Whats new? Anyway, deep down inside I know that I am gay. I have said this before. I just don�t WANT to be gay! I don�t think its what God wants for me. But sometimes I wonder, maybe he made me that way, knows how I am and loves me anyway. My family doesn�t see it that way though. I don�t know. Its such a frustrating thing. Theres a girl I really like right now and its killing me. I don�t want to want her, but I do. Not everyone struggles with this obviously. Why cant I be one of those people that would never consider being with someone of the same sex. Life would be so much easier for me. I wouldn�t totally hate myself. I cant be happy being gay because I think its wrong, but I cant be happy being straight because Im frickin gay. It sucks. I wish I struggled with something else�alcohol, drugs, something! Why this? Why me?

I met a cool guy online, but he lives 90 million miles away and its weird with me and guys. I can like them as friends, but when it comes to sex, things just don�t work out. I swear this crap makes me want to die. I wont do it, of course, but it makes me think that way.

 

About the being content thing. I didn�t mean it as being content where you are spiritually, emotionally, or even being content with where you are as far as learning and personal growth. I mainly meant it about things like where you live, your position at your job, and stuff like that. I think we shouldn�t be content as far as learning and growing�.but maybe we are supposed to be where we are as far as other things go. I don�t know. My brain isn�t working.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Contentment

I wanna talk about contentment. I am never content. I always want to do something else, be something else, and go somewhere else. Our shallow humanity can never be satisfied. Why do I always seek to be something else and ignore the opportunity to just be?

 

Is it not enough that I am made in the image of God and I am a new creation? What if the only place that discontentment could raise its head was in our quest to be more like Christ? What would we be like then?

 

Maybe there is part of God�s image in us to create something valuable, to express our creativity. I�m not saying that is a bad thing at all. I am talking about whole Christians that are discontent with who they are. I can see being discontent if you feel broken, or youre a drug addict or something like that, but why cant some of us be happy just being?

 

Are you happy with who you are, where youre at � in your job, in life in general? Or do you get a wild hair like me? Always want to be something �better�?

 

Maybe God wants us where we are. I guess it all depends on how he�s working on us. Maybe he wants us to do �better� things. Maybe if we concentrate on doing God�s will, our discontentment will go away�I�ll pray about it. Theres nothing wrong with where I am at, and I don�t feel like God wants me to do anything different right now, other than trying to be more like Christ�.so I need to get over it.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

The Madness of Belief

The tragedy with growing up
Is not that we lose childishness
In its simplicity,
But that we lose childlikeness
In its sublimity.

Plato said that “Belief is the position of a child; knowledge was that of an adult.”

I’m trying to tie these 2 things together here because they relate to each other in my mind. I have a wild mind, so they may seem as 2 completely random things to you, but they don’t to me and I’ll try to explain.

To believe in God, one may say that you have to be crazy. Its been said that discipleship is a life of supreme madness. You have to let go and be like a child and believe, without the knowledge of actually seeing God. This is hard sometimes. It’s hard for me. I like to know WHY and WHO and WHERE and WHEN…and we don’t get all of the answers we want as adults when it comes to God. God wants us to come to Him like a child. Completely vulnerable, completely believing…and as humans, most of us can’t completely because its so frickin hard without answers to questions. I want to marvel like a child at God’s love and grace. God knows our weaknesses. He knows that sometimes we doubt, and when that happens all we can do is rest in his presence and ask for a touch of madness.

From Depression Hurt's Myspace Page


I love this.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

The Void

I write a lot about prayer because it usually frustrates the hell out of me. I read something recently (aren’t I always) about prayer, it said, “Pray as you can; not as you cant….Sometimes you will feel a void, but remember that void is saturated with love.” I like that. God doesn’t go anywhere. I get frustrated with “the void”. I want to hear something back, but it doesn’t always work like that. Most of the time with me, I cant relax or concentrate, or Im hurting too bad for words. I have to remember in times like that, that the void I feel is saturated with love. He’s there, even when I cant be completely. I have to just let my body cry to the God that hears me. We have to pray as we can, not force ourselves to pray as we cant. Prayer shouldn’t be frustrating, but I tell ya, I have a hard time with it sometimes. I need to remember that God delights in the fact that I try and that I want to talk to Him. It doesn’t have to be a major event or anything. When little kids jump up in their dads lap and are too tired to play or talk, and they fall asleep…do you think that dad loves them less? Or do you think he thinks its awesome to hold his child? I want to think of prayer like that. I also wanna remember that EVERYONE feels “the void” sometimes. Its not just me. God hasn’t left me, He knows how I am feeling and what I need, even if I cant utter a word.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Continuity of Character

I read something the other day that said that one virtue of a Christian is continuity of character. I think that means that you act the same way around everyone. Your friends, your pastor, etc. That�s hard. You have to be really attentive to your behavior I guess, until you get used to it. For me, I�d cuss in front of my friends, but I wouldn�t in front of my pastor (Unless by accident, which is always possible for me). Anyway, its something I need to work on. We all have different personalities around certain people, when we should just be ourselves all the time. Being ourselves, we should strive to be like Christ. Its hard to remember and control. We all have sinful natures, so its easy to go with the flow. Anyway, just a thought�something I want to work on anyway.

Pics from my Bday





Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Un-sucky Birthday Day

Since it was officially still my birthday until 7:10 this evening, my mom cooked dinner and we had a birthday party. It was cool, it felt like one of the good birthdays when I was a kid. We had cake and ice cream and I got presents. It was fun, it made up for yesterday bigtime. My brother was there, and my cousin and his wife, and my grandparents. It was really cool. Ive gotta remember that I can count on the family to come through. We sat outside on the porch and I took some pictures of hummingbirds. My mom played on the banjo (which she is just learning) and my brother played the guitar. It was fun.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Birthday

Thanks guys. Well, the 27th birthday is not going to go down in history as one of my best. I guess that’s alright, they cant all be spent in Panama City getting drunk. My grandparents came down for lunch and that was really nice. My grandmother went nuts and cleaned my kitchen, which was extremely nice. Since they left though, I have done nothing but lay on the couch. My brother wanted me to go with him to listen to a bluegrass band, but that’s really not my thing and like a dumbass, I told him I didn’t want to go. I wish you guys were here. I almost went and drank a beer somewhere by myself. That’s sad. Oh well, I think birthdays get suckier as you get older. Tomorrow night my mom is going to cook dinner for me though, so that will be good. I think my brother will be there. I am not sure though, he has to go to Tuscaloosa and get a bunch of junk out of his apt. I’m glad this birthday is over. Ive never been a fan of my birthday, Ive had a lot of crappy stuff happen on birthdays....However, knowing that, this one couldve been a lot worse.

Party Time

Its my birthday. I lived another year. Yay.