Theres Somethin About Those Yankee Men.....

Dan is my tenant this week. Go visit Dan's blog, Scenes from a Wasted Life, if not for any other reason - go to see the picture of this "Boy of Blogging". HAHA He really is a hottie...and he's funny too...too bad he's not in MS :(
<----click the bloggy icony thing to visit his blog, leave him some comments, and let him know that I sent you.
Dan's blog is a permanent link on my site and should be on yours too, I promise!

My week with Jane is over. Jane is awesome. I'm thinking of making some little thumbnails of the blogs that I have on my permanent list over yonder way....people would probably visit them more if they stood out. Anyway, I hope Jane got just a tsunami of traffic because of being here (yeah, right...these poor people rent here just because they like me...so click them, damn it).

Manic

Wow, this morning is interesting…and entertaining. I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up a zillion times and was wide awake at 4 a.m. I’ve been sleeping on my couch for the last month or so for some odd reason. I got up & I downloaded some songs on my Ipod (Im working on the commercial Dan), and I came into work early. Bordering on the manic side of things?? It is quite possible. Ok, it’s more than quite possible, I’m alittle on the wild side this morning.

I’m really not looking forward to going to Dallas to watch my brother play while I am adjusting to new meds. I like to be close to my house and within a phone call of my NP and close to my pharmacy while this crap is going on. Oh well, I am sure I’ll make it….I will try not to freak out and get shot by air marshals (even though we are driving). If it happens, I definitely did not have a bomb, no matter what they say!!

I wish I was at home with this much energy….the Christmas decorations would be history in no time! I need to get all of that stuff put away and do some laundry. Right now I am the dvd burning queen at work.

Heres the meds run down right now:
150mg Effexor, 150mg Wellbutrin XR, 10mg Abilify, 200 mg Lamictal

Yes, I am a medicated fool.

Maybe the maniciness (I invented a word) is from being on the Effexor and Wellbutrin at the same time….maybe it will calm down in a week or 2 after I cut the Effexor alittle more. It’s a weird feeling. I feel good, but I could lose it in a violent way easily if I got mad…hope no one pisses me off!

<--- Visit Jane Loves Tarzan

Jane will be my tenant for only a short while longer. Shes been a good tenant, I havent had any complaints of the music being too loud from the neighbors or anything. Once again, go visit....her blog is really cool...you'll love it & then you will love me for pointing you over there :)

Some Craziness

Ok, so we are sitting in our living room Christmas morning (my mom, step-dad, brother, and step-brothers). My mom & step-dad announce that they are ready for grandkids and they look at me and then my brother (who is soon to be engaged, but don’t tell anybody because no one knows but me and you guys now…hahaha). I found this to be quite hilarious, since barring a MAJOR mishap, the cross-dressing giraffe on my desk at work has a greater chance of having kids before me. I will leave that to my brother….and maybe the giraffe??

I pre-warned D that my step-dad is a total dumbass and told him not to pay attention to anything he says. Thank God for the warning, because as soon as D walked in the door, my step-dad announced “Congratulations!” When D asked what the hell he was talking about the S-D said “Well, Jil is pregnant and I assumed that youre the father.” What a fuckhead….a fucking fuckhead. Thankfully, D is about like me and we both rolled our eyes and I told my S-D to shut the hell up. I shouldve TOLD him that he’s a fuckhead.

I am once again having issues with the bisexual thing. I don’t love D. Can I love a guy? I know I can love a girl. Maybe I am really gay. I like D as a good friend….but we sleep together…hmmm…I confuse myself. I have gay friends that think I am just totally kidding myself and think its almost embarrassing that I am trying out the straight side of life. “Youre frickin gay!” – A nice quote from one friend yesterday. What if I am making a fool out of myself. What if I have no business whatsoever dating guys. I wish I could find a guy that I wanted to be more than friends with, but it never happens.

The Aftermath

I’m feeling alittle down. I talked to my NP yesterday about switching from Effexor to Welbutrin. I started the Welbutrin and weaning off the Effexor today. I’ve heard its pretty rough to stop taking….but I am going for it. I didn’t do well with Welbutrin the last time I took it, but it was during a pretty rough time in my strange life….so maybe this time, with the combination of other stuff I am taking, things will be different. I decided not to do the MRIs on my brain, neck, and back. I don’t know why my pupils do strange things, but my moms do too…maybe its hereditary or something. I just don’t think anything major is wrong or I’d have some kind of pain or other side effects.

Christmas is over. I feel relieved, kinda sad, and ready for warm weather. I had a good Christmas though. I made it without smoking, 28 DAYS NO SMOKES today….thats a miracle.

We had dinner at my uncle’s house on Christmas Eve. The food was good and everyone was in a good mood, so it wasn’t weird or anything. My little cousins put on a “show” every Christmas Eve. They did a little skit of the Nativity….they made my uncles dress up like wise men and used a cabbage patch doll as baby Jesus. It was pretty funny….but they sang, played the cello, etc….it went on for a while. By the end I was definitely ready to go home & sleep.

I stayed at my mom’s house. My mom just has 2 mattresses in her guest room right now, so I took one and my brother and the dog took the other. We had “Santa” presents Christmas morning (I got an Ipod and some books and stuff), then we went to my grandparent’s for breakfast and more presents. Its always interesting at my grandparents on Christmas morning. D came with me and I think he was totally overwhelmed by the experience….its crowded, loud, and totally out of control…but its fun! My brother and I went out to my dads for the obligatory Christmas visit. He hooked my up with alittle $ though, so that was cool. My step-mom cooked steaks and stuff, so lunch was good. Marley got her presents when I got home. Apparently she isn’t into stuffed squeaky things much anymore, she liked her bone and treats much better than the squeaky monkey.

Anyway, that’s whats up with me….back to the ol’ work thing. I hope everyone has a great New Year. I will be in Dallas watching my brother in the Cotton Bowl. That should be cool….ROLL TIDE!

SUPREME GENIUS?!?

Your Birthdate: August 1

You are a natural born leader, even if those leadership talents haven't been developed yet. You have the power and self confidence to succeed in life, and your power grows daily. Besides power, you also have a great deal of creativity that enables you to innovate instead of fail. You are a visionary, seeing the big picture instead of all of the trivial little details. Your strength: Your supreme genius Your weakness: Your inappropriate sensitivity Your power color: Gold Your power symbol: Star Your power month: January

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

My First Renter

Jane’s blog, Jane Loves Tarzan, is my inaugural rental victim. Click on the little bloggy icon thing on the left and visit, dang it. Jane Loves Tarzan is full of all sorts of information that everyone in the entire world will find interesting. I visit daily and Jane is a regular reader of my blog. Click on over and you will not be disappointed, let her know you saw her blog here so she wont feel ripped off that she rented my blog out of all of the ones she could’ve chosen! I like her blog because you never know what you’ll find there.

Renting My Blog

Any dumb ass wanna take me up on it?

Right on Target

You Are a Minimal Christmas Tree

You're not a total Scrooge, but you feel no need to go overboard at Christmas. Less is more, and your Christmas reflects refined quality.

What Christmas Tree Are You?

Christmas Memories

I was thinking today about Christmas past. It’s a shame we cant remember each one of them. I tried my best to remember as much as I could, and I couldn’t remember many…but I wanted to share some memories and family traditions.

Now we all have THE Christmas that took the last of our childhood innocence and dashed our Santa dreams like Piggy’s head in The Lord of the Flies….ok, I don’t know where that metaphor came from…but anyway, I remember mine. I found a Care Bear’s book hidden in my house on Christmas Eve and Santa brought one just like it the next morning. I was pretty young (obviously, I haven’t been in to Care Bears in a while). And theres always crappy Christmas memories…people getting pissed, flipping folks off at Wal-mart or driving down the highway, but I want to talk about the good stuff.

One memory is going to my great-grandmothers house on the night of Christmas Eve to eat. That’s an oooold memory, I just remember it being good and I looked forward to it.

I remember it snowing ONCE on Christmas Day and I thought that was awesome. It never snows here.

On Christmas Eve night my grandfather would always get his rifle out and tell us he was going to shoot Santa. We'd watch Santas location on the local news to make sure he was nowhere near. Kinda a mean memory, but for some reason, its a good one.

One year my little brother and I got bikes and we had fun riding them down the gravel road by ourselves….except that he had training wheels and they didn’t work well on the gravel.

Christmas with Linda was always fun. I miss her a lot at Christmas. I miss her anyway, but I especially do at Christmas. We always had our Christmas on Christmas night after we were finished with all of the obligatory family stuff. She’d cook, it was peaceful and I remember being really sleepy and feeling very complete at the end of the day.

Linda and I used to adopt people every Christmas and it was fun to shop for people we didn’t know.

Every year I stay the night at my mom’s house on Christmas Eve. My step-dad reads the story of Jesus’ birth to us. My mom does the Santa Claus thing even though I am 26 years old, my brother is 21 and my step-brothers are 22 & 15. It’s really fun to wake up there, even now.

When he was small, my brother would puke every Christmas Eve night because he was so excited that it was Christmas time.

Every year after we do stuff at my mom’s, we go to my grandparent’s house. There are about 25 of us all together and we cram into my grandmother’s small living room and go nuts with presents.

I remember getting to put the angel on top of the tree when I was really little. Our tree seemed so tall. My mom or dad would pick me up and let me put it on top…that always excited me for some reason.

Although Christmas has become so crazy, it’s fun to make new memories of the holidays. I can’t remember a lot (and that may be a good thing). I wish I had more stories to tell my kids (or Marley) about….I don’t have much, so I guess I need to hang on to this year too.

So far, my Christmas memory this year is wanting to “prank” the FedEx truck with a tire iron (for an explanation see SNL Christopher Walken).

Merry Christmas
Happy Holidays
(whichever you prefer)

Stuff About Me

I got this off of Mr. 12 Step's blog...
which is over <----- there, called On a Happier Note.

Favorite Movies:
Clerks
Dogma
Billy Madison
The Royal Tennenbaums
Taxi Driver
Igby Goes Down

Favorite Bands:
Bright Eyes
The White Stripes
Led Zeppelin
Johnny Cash (does he count as a band)
Green Day
Chevelle
Thousand Foot Krutch
Seventh Day Slumber

Favorite Foods:
Duck
Pizza
French Fries
Shrimp
Cheese Burgers

Car:
1997 Acura Integra (White) It kinda sucks.

Guitar:
Peavey Predator Electric
Peavey 4 string bass
Yamaha Gold Key 6 string acoustic

Pets:
1 dog – Marley

Hobbies:
Drawing
Painting
Blogging
Watching Movies
Collecting Giraffes

Famous People I Admire:
Johnny Cash (do they have to be alive?)
Max Lucado
Kay Jamison
John McCain
Steven Spielberg
Johnny Depp (because he’s hot)

Things I Hate:
Chronic liars
Domestic violence
Pedophiles
Corporate/Political corruption
People Who Abuse Pets

Things I Want To Accomplish In My Life:
Visit all 50 states
Learn to Tattoo
Get my Masters Degree
Get Published
Visit Australia

Personality Traits:
I believe like to make people laugh
I try to hide my depression with humor
I’m bipolar…so Im up & down a lot.
I'm quiet around people until I get to know them
I don't like being alone

Embarassing Moments:

I feel off the toilet when I was 5 and hit the toilet paper holder and had to get stitches over my eye.

I failed my driving test

In junior high math class, I reached into my backpack for a book and a tampon flew across the room. (I thought it was pretty funny though, I wasn’t too embarrassed).

Achievements I'm Proud Of:
Not being dead yet
Getting my college degree in Software Engineering
Winning the State Championship in basketball
Buying a house & a motorcycle
Making the All-State and All Star team in basketball

Christmas

First of all, if you’ve tried to email me lately, my email is screwed up….theyre working on it. If you need to get me, my old msn address (sunraven0@msn.com) still works. Anyone have satellite internet? I’m thinking of going for it. Cable, in general, pisses me off and isn’t worth the $. That’s my humble opinion. My computer at home doesn’t work & now my email is screwed up :(

I am due a Christmas post, so here goes....

Something we don’t really celebrate anymore is Advent, anticipating the coming of the baby Jesus & some people celebrate the second coming of Christ during this time. It’s a time for prayer, fasting, and reflection. I don’t really know why we don’t take part in Advent. Anyone know? I think it’s a Catholic thing now & I’m not Catholic.

I’ve read a lot lately about Christians celebrated Christ’s birth on the 25th of December as a response to the pagan winter solstice. Actually, Jesus was crucified on March 25th and a long time ago Christians thought that the prophets of Israel died on the same date as their birth or conception. 9 months after March 25 is December 25, and that would be Jesus’ birthday according to ancient calculations. So, the date does have Christian origin.

The gift giving thing: St. Nicholas Day is actually the 6th of December & Epiphany (when the wise men gave baby Jesus presents) is January 6th. St. Nicholas was a Turkish dude. known for his kindness to children and was an admired saint in eastern and western churches. Gift-giving on Christmas day is sort of a compromise of gift giving customs of different settlers in the U.S. The Christmas tree was a German pagan custom that somehow ended up being Christianized. Basically, in the U.S., we’ve mixed traditions of the many settlers that ended up here as far as gift-giving goes.

I celebrate the birth of Christ on Christmas. Whether or not the date is correct seems irrelevant to me…Christians should celebrate it sometime! I don’t get the “taking Christ out of Christmas” thing. I’ve read a lot about it lately too….The X in Xmas was actually started by the church. X is the Greek letter chi, and was used as an abbreviation by the church because it is the first letter of Jesus’ name in Greek.

I think Christmas is a time to be thankful, to celebrate that the Son of God came to live among us to save us. That’s it. It’s Jesus’ birthday! I like the idea of making a birthday cake for Jesus and spending the day in prayer. Simplify things.

But – the traditions are also important….to celebrate with your family and to celebrate friendships. The traditions also can be used as a tool for Christians to bring others to the Lord.

Christmas has been turned into a money making extravaganza, and that saddens me. While its nice to give gifts to others, I think its most important to give a gift to Jesus…something that only the 2 of you know about…it may be that you need to spend more time in prayer or reading the Bible, or that you need to forgive someone of something you’ve been holding on to.

Its hard not to get caught up in the craziness. I think we all get caught up in traditions at times, but I think that as Christians we have to take time out to let Jesus be a part of the celebration.

Saturday

Heres my question of the day : Are any of you on a antidepressant that DOESNT affect you in the sexual side effects category? My NP said I could switch from Effexor to Wellbutrin if I wanted to try it again and see how it goes....but I am leary, Wellbutrin made me ill as a hornet (is that a southern saying?). Any suggestions? Its really frustrating.

Anyway, Day #17 today with the cig thing. I am doing better. I only want one about 3 times a day now...and one of those times is in the morning when its time to change my patch.

I am feeling alittle better. I have moments when I kind of sink again, but overall I am much better than I was a week ago...or even a few days ago. I cleaned up my house a bit yesterday and even wrapped a couple of Christmas presents and now I have gone in to work to finish up some stuff. Soooo, I guess it was stopping the Abilify that made me go under.

Its a trip that Christmas is so close. Christmas makes me nervous. I like Christmas Day, but the week or so before makes me crazy. Its an anxiety kind of thing. I guess just knowing that I have to see family members that I see once a year kind of gets to me. You know what else weirds me out? Christmas lights. Now, I like Christmas lights and everything. Its cool when people go all out. The problem is, they screw with my eyes...and they make me feel manic. Thats weird huh. It is a very strange feeling. Colored lights bother me waaaay more than white ones. I'm a weirdo, I cant help it.

Guess I should get back to work.

The Daredevil

You Are Comet

A total daredevil, you're the reindeer with an edge! Why You're Naughty: You almost gave Santa a heart attack when you took him sky diving Why You're Nice: You always make sure the sleigh is going warp speed

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

doc

2 weeks, no cigs!! I still feel shitty though.

I was expecting a miraculous recovery after my appointment with my NP yesterday…but things don’t work that way. It was an interesting visit. Basically, I’m back on Abilify.,,,which I wasn’t totally thrilled over, but whatever…if it makes me better, I will take it. She said that it boosts dopamine and apparently that’s a lot of my problem. I’ll take her word for it. She said that smoking has something to do with dopamine too and that the Abilify should help some with cravings.

My eyes were doing something weird. One of them was really dilated and the other was small. She works in a neuro clinic also & she made me do some stuff like stand on my tiptoes and push her hands with my arms and stuff. She wanted to do a brain MRI, but I just had one in March. She said it may be my neck or my back, so I have to have an MRI to see if I’ve got something messed up. I go to the doctor for that on the 22nd…hopefully I can get the MRI done this year since Ive met my insurance deductible. I don’t think anything is wrong though, my back doesn’t really hurt. My lower back has an uncomfortable feeling sometimes, but I sit at a desk all day long. My feet and legs fall asleep alot, but I thought that was from sitting on my ass all the time too. Guess I’ll know soon enough.

I was late to work again, I still haven’t cleaned my nasty house….I just have NO energy at all. Poor D wants to go out and do stuff and I am a bitch and don’t want to do anything but lay on my couch in the dark….but I go with him and am miserable most of the time and resent him for making me do something when all I want to do is stay under my covers.

Maybe in a couple of days the Abilify will kick in and I’ll feel better. Guess I shouldn’t have played doctor with my head in the first place. I will leave that to medical professionals from now on.

Tomorrow

I go see my NP in the morning, thank the good Lord. I dont think I could make it another day. 12 days no cigs!

Is it Safe for the Mentally Ill to Fly?

This is an issue that I have put off writing about. I think I needed to take in what happened at the Miami airport earlier this week before I put my opinion out there to the world.

Rigoberto Alpizar “uttered threatening words including a sentence to the effect that he had a bomb” on an airplane. He was then shot by federal air marshals after he ran off the plane. Mr. Alpizar’s wife tried to explain to the marshals that her husband was sick and had not taken his medication. Mr. Alpizar had bipolar disorder. He was also a missionary, with no bomb, and no link to terrorism.

Mr Alpizar was shot for 2 reasons. He was gunned down because he was showing symptoms of bipolar disorder on an airplane, he was freaked out, and he wanted off the damn airplane. He also was thought to have used the dreaded b-word. Now, it seems no one on board the plane except the air marshals heard Mr. Alpizar drop the b-word….but lets say he did.

Here are my questions: #1 If you act unconventionally on an airplane because you are ill, are you automatically considered a “threat to the staff, passengers, or the plane”? #2 If you accidentally let the b-word slip are you automatically going to get shot?

First of all, let me say that I am scared to death to fly. I am afraid when I am medicated. I’d freak unmedicated. I was afraid to fly before Sept. 11, 2001, and anytime I have to fly now, I am convinced that the airborne bus is going to go up in flames. This being said, I do fly because I like to travel and sometimes I’ve just had to.

If I was a passenger on a plane, and someone announced they had a bomb, I would consider a few things. Is the person a real threat? For one thing, I can’t imagine a seasoned terrorist to announce he has a bomb on a plane that had just landed. How had the person acted during the flight? You would think that a terrorist would want to go un-noticed. Also, if the person bolted for the door, I’d be the first one behind him because I’d think he left the bomb on the plane! Isnt that the point of having one? Hmmm….

However, if I felt threatened…if I felt like my life or someone else’s was seriously in jeopardy, I’d be the first one to say shoot the son of a gun...but if my grandmother stood up and said bomb, I wouldnt expect her to be killed without someone asking a few questions.

Does anyone find it odd that NONE of the other passengers on the plane felt threatened by Mr. Alpizar? Did you see one passenger on the news saying “I was scared to death this man was going to kill us all?” If there has been a single one, I have not seen them.

In response to my second question: If you say the b-word are you automatically going to get shot? –If that’s going to be the case, shouldn’t there be signs in airports, or something on your ticket that says WARNING: “Please do not say the word “bomb” for any reason whatsoever…On an airplane, freedom of speech is out the window concerning this word, and you will automatically be executed for saying it.”

I don’t know….it just doesn’t seem right. I know air marshals are supposed to keep us safe in the air from Osama Bin-Laden following freaks….but shit, that could have been me. Get me without my meds for a while, put me on an airplane, and I can promise you that I would want off and I probably wouldn’t be nice about it. I HOPE the b-word wouldn’t escape my mouth for any reason, but hell…I’m mentally ill….if I am manic or psychotic, who the hell knows what I could say, I could think I was on a military plane over Iraq and was supposed to bomb something!?!

Is it really safe for us to fly? When I fly, do I need to announce to everyone on the plane that I have Bipolar Disorder, I might freak out, but I promise I wont hurt anybody?? Do I need a sign that says : BIPOLAR, BUT NOT A DANGER TO OTHERS on my back?

I don’t know if the air marshal thing makes me feel safer or makes me more afraid.

Blog For Dignity

It’s International Human Rights Day and the World Health Organization’s focus is on the Rights of the Mentally Ill. Usually, I would go on and on about this subject and write a small novel, but if you’ve read anything on my blog recently, you’d know that I’m really not in the novel-writing mindset at the moment….so I just wanted to say a couple of things before I go back under my covers.

First of all, I have a mental illness & many of my readers do also. We work, we vote, we do normal things that everybody does…we just have to take medicine. Yet, we are the family members that everyone else thinks they should be careful around, people are threatened by us for no reason, and employers may not hire us if they find out we have a mental illness. Those who trust us, don’t always completely trust us…because WHAT IF…we forget our medicine, we embarrass them, or in some way come unhinged.

But – today I don’t want to think about all the negative stuff that’s come along with being mentally ill, in my case, bipolar. I want to make sure that all of us, who are mentally ill & are able to fight for our rights, do it. Not just for us, but for those of us who’s illness is far worse than our own… the ones who can’t take care of themselves and fight for their own rights…the over-medicated people who have been sent somewhere, not to help them, but to keep them out of societies’ view. Many mentally ill people are beaten because police think they are on drugs, or people mistreat them because they cant protect themselves. We have to take the responsibility of fighting for our rights because those people are like us and we could all at some point be like them.

I’m sure I’ll have a lot more to say when I feel better.
10 days – no cigs!

Bitchy

I keep reminding myself that one morning I’m going to wake up and feel like its ok to be alive sometime soon, but today isn’t that day. To say I am irritable would be the understatement of the year. I really do not enjoy being irritable, I like for things to be calm and laid back…but again, its not one of those days.

8 days without a cigarette. Not as exciting as 7 was. Probably wont be exciting again until the 2 week mark. I’ve wanted one bad today….just to calm my nerves. My family is pissing me off about the cig thing. They think I should be able to just lay them down and never pick one up again with no problem. Unless you’ve quit after smoking more than half of your life, you don’t get it. It sucks. So fuck them.

Work blows. I work with a dumb ass. I was once again almost 2 hours late.

I got the “what the hell is wrong with you” phone call from my mom this morning and email from my brother this afternoon. I was supposed to go to the funeral home last night because my second cousin died….and I didn’t…and I was supposed to go to the funeral today…and I didn’t….and that pissed everybody off. Its not like any one will know if I was there or not. It may be selfish, but I cant handle a group of crying people at the moment and its not like we were very close. I only saw her at Thanksgiving every year. I mean, I really hate she died…she just wasn’t a family member I knew very well.

I AM the bitch from hell today. I want to go home and go to bed and start over tomorrow. D left last night. I am kind of glad. I am sure it has been good for me to have had someone to prod me along…but I want to be by myself for a little while. Theres so much to do when he leaves too…he makes a mess when he’s at my house. I probably wont clean when I get home because I will go to sleep and then I will be depressed because my house looks like shit.

My computer at home isn’t working.

I really hate the cold, rainy crappy weather.

I hate everything damn it all to hell.

My body feels alittle better today though.

Nice, huh.

The Week From Hell

So far the cigarette thing is better today, so I can’t whine about that. I woke up this morning wanting one, but I guess I’ll probably do that for a long time. I’ve always liked smoking in the winter, I didn’t pick a good time to quit….but I guess any time is better than not doing it at all. I don’t even want to talk about it today. I’ve made it a whole week, so I am kinda proud of that. I’m still shaky and its getting on my nerves. BUT Ive made it a whole entire week without a cigarette….I feel like I’ve accomplished something major and it kind of rejuvenates my desire to quit for good. So that’s cool. I’m feeling good about it so far today.

My other ailments are another story, so at least I have the cig accomplishment to brighten my spirit alittle bit. I’m still just down and out in general. I still don’t feel good. My tooth hasn’t bothered me too much, just every once in a while I feel like someone has jabbed an ice pick in my temple.

I feel like doing NOTHING at all, but then I feel like shit for doing nothing. D has been around for the past couple of days and has forced me out of the house a couple of times. I have wanted to kill him for that reason, but he still lives, so all is well I suppose. I’ve wanted to sleep 24/7 and he has made me stay awake and at least partially function as a human. He’s earned his keep this week….maybe….

I have been pretty much worthless this week though. I feel like I am playing the “see if you can use every bit of leave time you have in a week” game at work. When I’m at work, I am oblivious and can think of nothing but being under my covers at home. I have no energy….still cant eat, which is probably the cause of the energy crisis….just about every part of my body hurts excluding my feet, legs, arms, and hands….and my arms are questionable because of the nicotine patch rashes.

I go see my NP on the 13th…maybe we can get the depression thing under control. I am sure it has a lot to do with the holidays, the cig thing, and other crap. Yesterday I wanted to die a painful death and today isn’t so bad…I want to die, but not painfully ;)

yucky

Ok, ok, I didn’t smoke it. I'm working on day 6. I’m really thinking of smoking it right now. The only thing that keeps me hanging on at the moment is the fact that I don’t want to be the first in our little quitting group to smoke….but I want to SOOOOO BAD.

All I can do is cry right now. I feel really shitty. My tooth isn’t hurting today, thank God. I don’t think I could take it. Every slight thing is getting on my nerves and I don’t want to be at work and I don’t want to be at home. The sad thing about it is that Im still getting nicotine through the patch, God knows how I’d be if I wasn’t.

I don’t think the depression has anything to do with cigarettes though. I stopped taking my abilify about a week ago…..maybe not the smartest thing Ive ever done, but I didn’t think I needed it. I started hearing footsteps last night and noises that sounded like a radio playing far far away. I hate being bipolar. Right now I hate being alive, but I guess I have no choice in the matter.

I NEED A CIGARETTE.

I’ve felt the depression knocking on the door for a week or so now and wouldn’t ya know, it’s here. I slept all weekend. I didn’t get off the couch to do anything except finish my Christmas tree in the dark and I came in to work to video our Christmas play for a couple of hours yesterday. I feel like hell warmed over.

I FOUND A CIGARETTE….oh, I am soooo tempted. I feel like I have a little devil over one shoulder and an angel over the other. I remembered that I had given my boss a pack to dole out to me and there was one left in her desk. I have the cigarette (that smells really good) laying here on my desk. I’m just thinking it over right now.

I am having technical difficulties. I have a back tooth that broke and hurts, my head hurts, I have a wisdom tooth coming in, I want to smoke, I am shakey, I don’t want to eat, my stomach is messed up, I feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest, and I am mentally screwed up. Poor me, damn it.

Tonight at 10:30 I will have made it 5 days without a smoke if I can make it that long. I hate to give in, but I know my head will feel much better if I do it and I’d probably get a good buzz.

I want to go home and hide under my covers.

69 & 1/2 hours and counting

2 & a half more hours and I will have 3 whole days under my belt. Today I didnt have to eat as many suckers, but I have been shaking like crazy all day long. I know yall are probably sick of hearing about my cig battle, but its helping me to write about it.

I felt some depression coming on this morning. Its weird, I feel like I am almost grieving over a friend. Cigarettes have been my security blanket for a long time. If I was uncomfortable in a group, I could always escape to smoke...I'd smoke when I was nervous, when I was mad, when I was excited. I know it sounds really stupid, but theyve been a constant in my life for 14 years.

I was tempted bigtime tonight. Ive been cleaning my house, trying to stay busy and I found an old cigarette under my couch. Seriously, I wanted to scrape the dust off and light it up...but I survived and threw it away.

If I can make it tomorrow, I will have co-workers to keep me straight during the week. I dont know how Dean & D are doing, I havent talked to either of them since yesterday. Today was probably rough on all of us because we didnt have work to keep us busy.

Still truckin.....

Quitting Smoking – Day 2

I haven’t had a cigarette in exactly 35 hours and 56 minutes. I must say that so far its not getting easier. Thank you guys for the support. I need it. Bigtime. I still want to kill people. I have eaten about 900 suckers and a load of peppermints. I swear that I will have no teeth after a while. A co-worker volunteered to roll me a cigarette of gun powder….I guess that tells you how I am perceived at the moment! My head hurts even with the patch on and Im not able to sleep. My brain was on overdrive even after taking a Vistaril last night. The dreams are driving me crazy. I didn’t get a buzz when I put the new patch on…and I put it on my other arm so the rash thing would get better. Now I will have matching rashes…well, I guess that’s better than having matching rashes with another human. See….my thoughts are a bit bizarre. I feel pretty proud of how far Ive made it so far though, I didn’t think I could actually go a whole day without a cigarette…and I guess the block of my mind that thought that quitting was impossible is decreasing, although I am a cranky bitch. It helps a lot to have other people quitting with you. However, me and D went out to eat last night and sat at a bar with people smoking and I had a few beers and I thought I would fall out if I didn’t have a cigarette RIGHT THEN. So…my advice of the day is if anyone decides to quit, DON’T go to a bar on your first day of being cigarette free.

Quitting Smoking – Day One

Me and my friend Dean and my boyfriend who really isn’t my boyfriend (don’t ask) decided to quit smoking. We are on the patch….the nicotine one, not the one that does not protect against HIV/AIDS. See, I’m crazy. I haven’t had a cigarette in almost 12 hours and I think I might die any minute. I have chewed gum, eaten a honey bun, drank mountain dew, drank a lovely caramel macchiato from starbucks (I wish I was famous so I’d get some free coffee out of that plug)…but I still want a cigarette. BAD. REALLY BAD. If I can make it through the weekend maybe I’ll be ok.

Has anyone ever tried the patch? Theyre really a trip. I put it on and got alittle buzz even though I’ve smoked a pack and a half a day for 10 years. Its also breaking me out pretty bad. I am allergic to some types of tapes…so apparently my skin doesn’t like the sticky stuff on the thing.

I want to kill people just because they exist. I am hoping this is because of the cigarette thing, but hey, maybe that’s just what kind of mood I’m in. I shouldn’t be having nicotine withdrawals since Ive got this stupid little patch on, but I am ill and zombie-like, but wired at the same time. My eyes are bloodshot today…not sure why that is. I look like I sucked on a bong all night long, and although that sounds appealing, it would not be good for a random piss test…so no bong for me. Damn it.

Good Lord, this sucks beyond all recognition. Seriously I have thoughts of ripping someones healthy lungs out and replacing theirs with mine. TRADE. The thought reminds me of that scene in Constantine when his black yucky cancerous lungs are pulled out. That was nasty.

I have a picture of lungs on the desktop of my computer. It says “The lungs on the left have emphysema. The one on the right has cancer – both from smoking.”….and they are DISGUSTING. I have hoped that this would motivate me….at this moment, I could care less. I just want a cigarette.

I hope this gets better soon. Right now I want to lick an ashtray. I hope D has dumped the ashtrays when I get home. I wanted to light a butt this morning. Mornings are the worst because I smoke like a chimney when I get out of the bed. UUUGGGH. It still morning!! Every few minutes I get up to go outside to smoke and then I remember that I cant.

Im not an addict
its cool
I feel alive
If you dont have it
youre on the other side
Im not an addict
maybe thats a lie
-K's Choice

Wish me luck and be glad that you don’t have to actually be around me!!