Not too good
At about 3 this afternoon my day went to hell in a handbasket. I dont know what the deal is, I should be used to the change with my meds dosage. Tomorrow I quit taking Effexor all together. I cut like a bitch when I got home....heres the deal, ok:
Jil is gay. Jil does not want to be gay. It is hard to be gay in Mississippi. Its hard to be gay anywhere, but it really sucks here...especially if you are a Christian. A GAY Christian?!?! WTF That just cant be! Oh no, the frickin world is going to end because a lesbian believes in Jesus. Anyway, whatever, Ive been dealing with this for as long as I can remember....so just fuck it all, it doesnt matter.
Today I came out of work and a friend of mine was standing there with a girl she wants to hook me up with (nice butt and boobs, definitely)...:::beating head in::::bad thoughts::::bad thoughts:::: She wanted me to call her later. I guess I am going to try to get out and do something else. I dont know. I wish this shit was easy.
Straight People, I have a question for you: (ok, straight WOMEN...guys would never answer this question truthfully) Are you automatically gay because you think it might be nice to sleep with someone thats your same sex? If you find someone of your same sex attractive, are you automatically gay??
I dont want D to come over tonight. I cant handle him and his whacking off, marathon sex having self. (Ah ha, I just called him & told him that)...well, i left off the whacking off, marathon sex thing.
I am such a total asshole. Have you guys noticed that lately? Think its the Welbutrin? Think I was just born an asshole? A gay, bipolar asshole??
Ever just want to leave? I have left before...just because I wanted to leave...just picked up my shit and left because no one cared where I went anyway. I kind of feel like that now. I think I may drive and see where I end up. Fuck this place. Fuck how I feel, fuck being bipolar, fuck everything.
Anyway, Im going to drive and cry...that always helps....then I'll come home and take my fucking drugs and go to bed....if I come home at all. Fuck coming home.
posted by Jil at 4:37 PM
6 Comments:
Curiosity and attraction do not make you gay, but it sounds like you already know that it's more than that? I'm Christian and I believe that God loves you no matter what. Maybe moving to a more accepting community might do you good.
I will pray for you, for peace and acceptance.
:* Princess
6:19 PM
Are you automatically gay because you think it might be nice to sleep with someone thats your same sex? If you find someone of your same sex attractive, are you automatically gay??
Uh, I'm bicurious. I've written about it on my blog before. As far back as I can remember I've known I was different. I've never been with a woman before (hey baby, let's hook up LOL!).
I must be gay because I like lesbian porn. I look at chicks and guys. I'm doomed.
7:11 PM
I always seem to read when you just happen to write on this topic... Not intentionally, just happens.... Anyhow, I am bisexual, you probably remember that... I am not Christian myself, but there are TONS and TONS of gay and lesbian people who are... There are even Christian churches just for gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered people (they are easier to find in places like San Fran)... Even though I am not Christian, my family is and most people I know are and I find it hard to believe that just because you love someone of the same sex that would be a problem... at least you are LOVING... in my book, as long as you are not HATING, everything is okie dokie...
try to be gentle with yourself...
I don't think that thinking about sleeping with or finding someone of the same sex attractive makes you automatically gay... However, I think you know you are beyond that...
Accept and love yourself, and everyone else will too...
Take care of yourself...
8:39 PM
Jil: You're in the middle of a med change. So be wary of your views. If you need a separation from your boyfriend, it's ok to ask him for it, but don't make any final decisions until you are stable again.
You may have a different perspective when you own your head again.
And if they screw you over in Ole Miss for being gay/bisexual, just come out here to California. We'll accept you just fine. Lots of nice women looking for a nice woman like you out here.
9:33 PM
Yes. If boobs and thighs make you want to lick her, that means you like girls.
At least that's how it was for me.
God makes all kinds Jil. The only person who can you can answer to is yourself. Any tolerant supreme deity knows that. ;)
10:23 PM
Yeah, I'm with Joel...come to California. You'll find things much different, not scary different, but accepting...tolerant.
I do find other women attractive. But I've never wanted to have sex with them. I think we've discussed this before, my sister is also a gay Christian & I suppose at times, she's been an asshole....but she isn't bipolar. (she's tall though!)
I know there's a horrible inner struggle going on Jil. I just pray that you will find serenity soon.
You're a beautiful person, inside & out. Always remember that.
11:32 PM
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