I'm alive, but not excited about it.

I appreciate all of you being here…you really do lift me up when I am sinking. It’s nice to know that I don’t have to go through this mess alone. Although you’re all miles away, I do feel like I have friends that care. I feel like I have some back up :)

I don’t know if I am doing any better. I’ve taken a lot of Vistaril to sleep. My NP said that my psychosis (I had whispery things going on) was probably from sleep deprivation. I’ve slept better the past couple of nights, which is a good thing. I’ve had the Vistaril all along, I just never remember to take it when I cant sleep. It seems to work fairly well, I just feel drugged.

Day 2 on Cymbalta…nothing really to report. I cant tell the difference between all of these drugs…all I know is that my poor brain juices are severely confused right now….Effexor --> Wellbutrin --> Cymbalta in a month!! Ouch. I have a headache, no wonder. I slept with a heating pad on my head, I really think it helped alittle.

The drugs are still piled up on the table….I haven’t had the gumption to put them all back in their respective places. I have to get the idea completely out of my head before I can do that, I think. For now they are just a safety net in my mind…something I have the option of doing if things get too bad.

My house is a total wreck. It seems to me that Bipolar people either have spotless houses or theyre completely a mess. The cleanliness of my house is parallel to my mood…which right now, is shitty. I wish I could just afford a maid or something.

D was at my house when I got home from getting meds yesterday. I was not thrilled because I didn’t know he was coming for sure. He just showed up and let himself in (the house is locked today). He didn’t drive me too crazy to go anywhere. I think he could tell that I was sick. He got me an ice cream sundae, which was very sweet. I promptly threw it up. I felt bad. He laid with me for a long time. He was really sweet.

A couple of lesbian friends called. D is cool with that usually, but I pissed him off because I told them on the phone that they could hook me up with a girl because the thing with D wasn’t anything serious anyway. THE THINGS YOU SAY ON MEDICATION!! :( Anyway, he went on a rant about how I don’t have to be gay just because they are and all this crap. I told him obviously I didn’t think that was the case. It was a mess, but it ended up ok.

I need a drink and its 10:00 in the morning. I just feel like HELL. I havent cut in a day or so though.

Speaking of cutting : When I went to see my NP the other day, her nurse was standing behind the counter talking to the receptionist. I stood there for a second waiting for them to look up...the nurse said "she cuts herself, so we tried to squeeze her in." - TO THE RECEPTIONIST. Ummm....I think I almost had a HIPAA heart attack. Oh well, who the heck really care.