Saturday, February 26, 2005

Flowers

Im having a frustrating, "I feel medicated & not creative" kind of night. I cant write, I cant draw, and I'd like to be able to. Uninspired...uninspiring...
Here are some photos of flowers I took a long time ago....they seem really boring to me at the moment...but everything seems boring right now, so...hell...here they are:


Monday, February 21, 2005

Breaking The Monotony...Charcoal

More High School Poems

Sometimes its cool to go through old stuff, theres no telling what you'll find. I was looking for my old basketball shoes that I thought were in storage...of course, I couldnt find them...but in the process I dug through basketball trophies, pictures, fun stuff...and ,of course, I brought home a whole bunch of crap that Ive done fine without for 10 years. ANYWAY, I found an old folder of poems. Im posting a couple. Its weird to see what I wrote then....I havent changed a whole heck of a lot...I was just as messed up then as I am now...and just as whiney! The following 2 poems were in the folder:

What the Hell's Happening to Me

You could take the time to really know me,
but you just go on your way.
You dont want to know whats inside me,
You think everyone's the same.
You dont know the reasons that I daydream,
Everyday I dream that I am dead.
Every now & then a little sunbeam
will end the madness in my head.
---but it comes back---

How did I get burnt,
when I thought I was the flame?
The blisters sometimes hurt,
but nothing like internal pain.
---and I cant lose it---

Can you help release me?
I am another clone.
You will never ever see
what really went on.
---but does it really matter---

Im losing my mind
and I cant wait
Im running out of time
& its getting late
and I have been up for days
and I cant settle down
because inside some thing remain
You never come around
---I dont care---

Down on my knees
walking backwards home
to find a cure for my disease
with myself alone.
---I thought I found it yesterday---

Do you talk to strangers
to find out what they mean?
Drink it straight - no chaser
and stagger after me,
but I dont want it anymore
because its hard to believe
every wave touches the shore
and someone believes in me.

Why did I touch those flames
when I cant erase
scars of the blaze
fueled by vented rage.

My Home

Adrenaline pumps through my veins
I want to scream
I want to hear my name
will you yell it please?

Static takes over my eyes,
but I know what to do
Where I am the world is mine
I can run right over you.

In a moment I become
exactly what I want to be
my body is absolutely numb
it's dark and I cant see.

I have never moved so fast,
Ive never felt so good.
I wish this sensation would last,
if I had to die, I would.

Everyone get out of my way!
I can barely breathe.
I want to remember this day
something has taken over me.

Tears gush from my eyes
when the emotion is gone
I fall as I shriek "Goodbye!"
I will forever feel wrong.

In a blink my life changed-
became void, empty & black.
I will never be the same.
I want my enthusiasm back.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Youth & Springtime



I wonder if it’s warm inside,
The wind is cool out here.
Ive created my own cocoon though,
Im warm inside my mind.

Shut me out,
I’ve trained myself to expect it.
Lock the door,
I won’t knock ; don’t worry.

I’ll stay in my hideout; my world,
I’m out of the way and lonely,
But Ive trained myself to expect it.

I’ve made a place to rest,
In the grass, under the tree…
If I close my eyes alittle,
look up at the branches,
they can be anything I want them to be.

You wont answer,
You’re too far away if I call,
You don’t want to hear my voice,
Ive trained myself to expect it.

I go back to my universe,
I can sleep and listen at the same time,
I wait to be asked in,
But I wont be,
I’ve trained myself to expect it.

If I open the door to my world,
What a place it’d be for you,
But you’d rip my heart out too.
I’ve trained myself to expect it.

My chrysalis is fragile,
I try to lock it from inside,
So I wont let you in.
You’d discard it anyway,
But Ive trained myself to expect it.

On a Dock

She sits and listens
Accompanied by a butterfly
Whose found a home in her hand.
His tiny legs tickle her palm
Sending a slight shiver
Throughout her soul
Until a gust of wind
Sends it sailing,
And her hope,
Fading.

She breathes in the scent of the ocean,
Yearning for something,
Something inspiring -
A glimpse, a radiance
To keep her going
As hope fades
From the tips of her toes
Joining the surf below.

She battles the haze,
Grasps hold of her soul,
Bunkers down,
In the beauty,
Wanting to encounter it whole.

Its inside her somewhere
Its real as the water that spatters her face.
That hope she felt -
As the butterfly galloped in her midst.

Happiness is a Warm Gun


Don’t think I can’t hear you with the door closed,
You bastard!
Don’t fuck with us,
We were happy on our own.
You can call me whatever you please,
But don’t touch her.
You’ll catch the wrath of my 12 year old self…
stuffed tightly into the shotgun down the hall.
I’ll save us. I’m not scared of you.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Isnt that a song lyric or something?
I cant remember,
But I believe it right now.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

High School Poems

I wrote alot my Senior year of high school. I guess I had a lot of emotions going on. A fiesty, but wise, old woman once told me, "You find out what you really think by writing it down." I didnt pay her much attention at the time, but 8 years later, I remember that...and the older I get, the more I learn it's true.

I'm posting a few high school poems. I wish I could find them all.

Stars Part 2

Here are a couple of haikus I had to do...theyre about stars.

Surrounded by dark
the still glisten & shine
high above the earth

At night I watch them
fall toward the earth dying
the light saves the rest

Raven

I did this one my Senior year also....this poem spawned the SunRaven we know today :)

Is the truth buried in the darkness of my eyes
or the brightness of your day?
scars as keepsakes-
hidden by happy pain.
Why do you want me now?
You have never been around.
When I needed someone you werent there
Did you forget, or just not care?
Blinded by Confusion's smile
only earth caught my tears.
Wounded by Frustration's laugh
alone in a whirlwind of fear.
Hardened so it does not sting,
lies are always hard to breathe.
You want to sleep-
if you didnt know
the secrets of reality you keep.

Breathe

...another high school poem....I did this one at the beginning of my Senior year.

Though obscure, I see a hand
in misery alone.
I thought no one could understand
seventeen years & Im not home.
What about this inner sin?
These chains around my legs?
It seems so long since I have been
laughing without a concealed beg.
Maybe steam-rolled by worldly greed,
I only have Him.
My insides- filthy and rancid to me,
with His blood he bought my sin.
From all bondage I am free,
immaculate like an angel
lucid like the roaring sea
innocent in His eyes
His children will forever be.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Seventh Day Slumber

Seventh Day Slumber came out with a new cd this month called Once Upon A Shattered Life. Never heard of them, right? SDS is a Christian band...my favorite Christian band. The cd came out about a week ago, and I called my brother to tell him I got it, and he was calling me to tell me that he bought it. The cd is great. Highlights are #3 Caroline, #6 Back in Time, #8 Chris' Letter (my brother's favorite), and #9 Masquerade. This cd isnt as hard as their last release, Picking Up the Pieces (also an awesome cd). Anyway, go get it, it rocks. Im gonna put a couple of song lyrics up. Here's their website: http://www.seventhdayslumber.com

Masquerade

I don’t know what to think about me anymore
Cause Im the same as always
Here I am again,
That same ol’ broken man.
I cant make it on my own,
I need you.

And Im not afraid of anything anymore.
And I am not ashamed,
The masquerade has ended.
And I will stand for you
Even if I lose it all.
Cause nothing really matters,
Youre all that matters, Lord.

As messed up as I am,
Still you bring me in.
You take me in your arms and hold me.
The worthlessness I feel,
You make it disappear.
You are always there,
Youre endless.

And I am not afraid of anything anymore.
And I am not ashamed,
The masquerade has ended.
And I will stand for you even if I lose it all.
Cause nothing really matters.
You are all that matters, Lord.

Back in Time

Carry me away
back in time
to when i met you.
take all this guilt and shame
that buried me
and bury me in you.

I want to be dead but still alive,
I want to breathe hope instead of choking,
I want to feel the fire deep inside,
burn through me,
and carry me away.

How false could I be?
You see through me,
You see right through me.
Would you sing to me?
And take me back to when I met you.

I hear you calling me. I feel so far from home.
You can see through my past. You've never let me go.

Ways to Help

http://www.worldvision.org

http://www.mtvasiaaid.com

These links also provide info on helping with Tsunami relief.

Street Children in India

Often I find myself whining & complaining about how unfair & sucky life is. It’s easy to lose perspective…how my life, and the lives of most Americans, compares to the lives of people born elsewhere.

A subject was brought to my attention in a church service that hit pretty close to home & made me re-evaluate how I experience every day life. I had to fend for myself from an early age. I’ve always resented that. Why me? Why wasn’t I taken care of? How self-absorbed! Many children aren’t allowed to have a childhood at all.

In India, female children are unwanted, mainly because of the outlawed dowry system that still exists in India. A dowry is the amount of money a woman’s family must pay their husband before their marriage. “Invest Rs 500 now, Save Rs 50,000 later,” advertises a company that offers amniocentesis for selective elimination of female fetuses. Female children are seen as burdens. Sons are preferred for a number of economic, social, and religious reasons. Some of the reasons include financial support, old age security, property inheritance, dowry, family lineage, prestige and power, birth and death rituals and salvation.

If a female child is allowed to be born, life is not easy. 12 million girls are born each year; 3 million live to see their 15th birthday. About 1/3 of the death occur in the first year of life. Many of them are killed by being fed un-hulled rice that punctures their windpipes or are made to swallow fertilizer. Many are also smothered with wet towels, strangled, or starved to death. Girls are usually sold into prostitution. There are 5 million child prostitutes and trafficking of children and women is considered more profitable than arms or drug smuggling. Out of 9 prostitutes, 4 are children. Girls face neglect of medical care, no education, sexual abuse and physical violence. They are often raped on the streets. Life is miserable.

I’m not sure what I can do to help these kids. They don’t have the “little” things we take for granted – clean water, food, shelter….in reality those things aren’t “little” at all. I want to find a way to help. I’ll post something when I figure it out, until then I’ll pray for them, and I’ll remember to be thankful for the life I have. Thinking of these people, and doing what we can for them, can serve as a purpose for life when you feel like you serve no other purpose.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

In Love, on a Plane, Somewhere Over Arizona

Throbbing, pounding,
My heart is in my ears
And in your hands
Beads of sweat drop from my brow
My hands cold & wet
Will you love me
In the dark
When all you can see is my innocence
And all you can feel is my love?
All I desire in this world is to hold you,
Protect you from yourself
And the evil that the earth breathes
Will you like my taste
When I kiss the lips that God granted only to angels?
Will my fingertips make you tingle
Like in my dreams when I touch you?
Not necessarily in the heat of passion,
But what a passion, indeed, is mine
To finally touch the skin of the one I love
And have longed for so long
To hold your hand
Would send me into that sweet universe
I have created for us alone,
The place we laugh,
Talk, tickle, kiss, cuddle,
And the world is not there.
We do not have to be afraid
We love & live…
And on the beautiful cloud of peace
No sweat is on my brow, my hands
I am at peace within,
my mind doesn’t race or worry
concentration is on you…your mind,
your body, and the beautiful child
that smiles behind your eyes.
I am no longer afraid, but my heart still pounds,
Throbs, beats….loud, like an earthquake in my soul…
For you….forever for you…..

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

The End of November


Its been 17 days now,
yes, I've kept count.
My brain is still thick,
my heart pulled by the roots.
Screaming red pangs from the blade,
the cool calming fire of a cigarette.
They're all that break the numbness.
I'm alive, I'm sure now.
The darkness comes & I regress
to a place noone my age should go.
Rolled into a ball,
crying like a starving baby.
She's too far away for me to hold.
She doesn't want to hold me anyway.
If Hell is worse than this,
I must not die today
because I don't like my chances.

Stars

One dark night
when the world had just been made,
a child sat crying alone
under the completely black sky.
Seeing it, its' guardian angel flew to the ocean,
scooped up water
and turned it into radiant diamonds.
The angel threw them into the murky mass of sky,
easing the child's fear with night lights -
billions of shining stars.

Pleasure & Pain by Ben Harper

I'm leaving here on the morning train
and I will never see this world again
I've felt pleasure
and I have felt pain
and I know now
that I can never be the same

How I wonder why the world
can be so cold
and if only good die young
then left with me cruel here to grow old
and I felt pleasure
an I felt pain
and I know now
I can never be the same

And if someday I find my peace of mind
I will share my wealth with all of human kind
I've felt pleasure
and I have felt pain
and I know now
that I can never be the same

So if the sun does shine
or rain does fall
I give thanks I've had my sight
to see through it all
and I've felt pleasure
and I have felt pain
and I know now
that I can never be the same