All Wound Up

Ok, so apparently increasing the Effexor has caused me to cycle more rapidly… I’ve made 900 lists today…things I need to do, putting things in order – you get the picture. I also decided at midnight to go buy groceries. I’m awake. I feel like I could work, or do something…I was crappy last night and today I’m on the upward spiral. I’m not complaining! I can just tell that it’s a rapid cycle. I’m going to try to lie down in a minute and see how sleeping goes. I’m not tired tho. My house is a mess, so I hope I’m this wired tomorrow…it needs a major overhaul. I think I like this rapid cycling thing better than being up 3 weeks and then down 3 weeks…if it has to be one or the other, I guess I’d rather be crappy one day and good & frickin wired the next.

On another note, I wish everyone in the world would stop asking me if I am bisexual since I am dating D. This question causes me great confusion because I don’t know the answer to it. All I know is that I am finding it difficult to go out with a guy…maybe he’s just not the right one…or maybe I’m gay and I cant change it…I’m just choosing not to think about it at the moment & I’m going with the flow. I really don’t get guys…I know that much. Oh well.

I bought myself the last 2 white stripes cds that I didnt have tonight for my birthday...I'm telling myself that theyre from my dad since I bought them with some of the money he gave me for doing some work for him. I havent listened to them yet. Maybe I'll do that now.

Down

Tonight is one of those nights where I feel crippled….my soul writhes in pain; I can almost see it as something other than me. Its times like these that I think I have a demon. Its such an empty hurt…bottomless…no way to tell where it begins and where it ends. Why does this happen? Its something so separate from who I am and how I want to feel and live. I know a lot of you understand how it feels.

My Parade Has Been Rained Upon

I had a good day at work today. I got my little video finished – minus the cool crap I did to it. I have to admit it probably was a bit distracting the way I had it…oh well.

Anyway, I had a major cool thing happen at work today and I was all excited about it. My grandmother called and I was excited to tell her about it….and she did think it was cool…but then she wanted me to help my brother pay his rent. I don’t have any money! I had a bit of a breakdown about it. She said “I thought you’d be able to help your brother while he’s in school since you are working, but it seems that you can barely take care of yourself.” No kidding!!

I wish I could help my brother. I wish I was rich. But – my brother is 21 years old…why hasn’t he been working to pay his rent?

I moved out of our house when I was 14 years old. I ALWAYS felt guilty for leaving my brother. He had some heart trouble after I left and I thought it was all my fault. I had been his protector. I made him take baths (he never wanted to take a bath…ever…for a long time). I made him brush his teeth. I fixed his hair. I dressed him (ninja turtle t-shirts, shorts, and cowboy boots is all he would wear for a long time). I made us potatoes to eat (every frickin day for like 2 years..you’d think I would’ve learned how to make something else). He’s always been mine. He will always be mine in many ways. I love my brother more than anything in this world. It killed me to leave him. I felt selfish. I still feel selfish. I still feel guilty, although he’s been big enough to fend for himself for a very long time. I feel guilty that I had been there for him for so long and then I moved…I don’t know what he did on those nights that he needed someone to be there. My grandparents and my aunt & uncle wanted me to adopt him when I turned 18…but when I was 18 I was a freaked out dope fiend. I feel like I owe him….because I left him.

I HATE that I cant help him now.

….and it PISSES me off that my grandmother plays on that. She knows what buttons to push to make me feel shitty. I love her to death…my grandparents have been the only stable thing in my life….but when my grandmother is having a bad day – she wants everyone else to have a bad day with her. UUUUGGGGHHHH!!*!&)*&#!!

I hate to make this a “poor me” thing…but damn…

He’ll be ok…I keep telling myself that….

It’s not my responsibility…I keep telling myself that too…

But I hate this.

On a Starbucks Napkin (if they were big enough)

I can’t listen to Tracy Chapman.
I love Tracy Chapman.
It reminds me of her dancing.
She loved to dance.
“She’s Got a Ticket” was her favorite.
Like me, she was a wanderer
…and you could tell in her eyes.
“I don’t want no one to squeeze me,
they may take away my life”
She loved…and danced….
with every ounce of energy
she could muster.
“Baby just give me one reason,
give me just one reason why
I should stay.”
She danced with wild abandon,
And those eyes – those fucking eyes
..the ones that haunt me.
They were truly windows,
and there were no walls.
I wish I had that feeling again.
I wish I was that whole again.
I don’t cry for her,
I cry for what it was –
Specific moments of time…
When it was perfect…
Absolutely perfect.
Nothing mattered when she danced,
Nothing mattered but that moment.
“Words don’t come easily,
like forgive me,
forgive me.”
Jesus, if you want to be depressed,
listen to Tracy Chapman.

Rueben, the Starbucks guy, who once went on
a road trip to Texas and stayed at a strange lady’s
lake house, is going to change the music for me.

Dave Matthews…not much better –
“Its out of my hands for now.”

A Case of the Mondays

Its Monday...the weekend flew by. It was a good weekend, I stayed busy & thats always a good thing. I'd been on the down side of things, but I got out (even though I didnt feel like it) and hung out with some friends. I feel better today.

I hung out with Linda Friday night & that was really cool.

Saturday morning I rode my motorcycle with a friend. We rode about 140 miles. It was hot as hell, but it was fun. I hadnt riden in a while; I almost forgot how fun it is. We left at about 10:00. We went to get a oil filter for my bike. When we got back, my friend went to his house and brought his riding lawnmower over and helped me in my yard. My yard was terrible. He rode the lawnmower, I had the push mower and D. came over and was the weedeater man. D. stayed until about 1:30 am & we just watched tv (cartoons).

I overslept and missed church Sunday morning. I went to my grandparent's house for lunch. When I got there, there was about 30 people stuffed in my grandparent's living room. My mom has some friends who are in a bluegrass band and they came and played. It was cool. I got there late and missed most of it, but it was cool. I think my grandfather enjoyed it a lot.

D. met me at my grandparent's. We hung out there for a long time. We shot guns with my brother, which was kind of funny. I havent shot a gun since I was a little kid. One time my dad made me go hunting with him. All I remember about it is that it was freezing ass cold and I didnt want him to kill anything. He made me shoot at a squirrel & I tried to miss it on purpose, but I hit the damn thing anyway and was quite traumatized by the event.

We went to my moms and I tried to revive a couple of her laptops for her, but was unsuccessful. I cant fix a laptop to save my life. I went out on the porch with my mom and there was a pretty butterfly. I caught it. I was going to let it go, but it wouldnt get off of my hand. It let me pet it and every time I touched its leg, it would spread its wings. I let him go, but I had to make him get off of my hand. He wanted to be my pet :)

I took D. back to his car and went to church. We played with Legos at church. It was supposed to be a lesson on working together or something. It was pretty cool. I like Legos. I just kind of chilled when I got home.

It was a good weekend. I get all down about things and then I have a weekend like this one that's so busy and reminds me that I do have friends. I felt good about myself...and it feels really good to know that I have friends that will help me out and that want to hang out with me sometimes.

Today I've got to figure out some medicine stuff. I am out of Effexor, I havent taken it this morning. I was hoping I could make it until payday without having to go get it, but I guess I need to go get it today sometime, so I am checking out of work at lunch and doing that kind of thing.

Friday Night

The past few days have been pretty sucky. I swear I don’t sleep well when the moon is so full. I know that sounds stupid, but I notice when its brighter in my bedroom and it drives me nuts. I just haven’t been doing so great at night.

The mornings are rough because the nights are rough…just a never-ending cycle, I guess. I kind of chilled out a little by lunch time, but I was still tired. I’m working on a video at work. I wanted to do some cool stuff to it that I’ve been learning and I worked really hard on it all afternoon…but no one liked it except me. So that was a bummer…but whatever, its work…that kind of crap happens. I just have to un-do the stuff that I thought was cool. Oh well…I shall live, that just kinda sucked.

I decided that I would not let myself fall asleep when I got home, so I went to Starbucks early. I kind of like going earlier because no one is there. I finished the book I was reading and then Linda called. We talked for a long time on the phone and then we decided to go get something to eat. She picked me up and we went to a new Thai restaurant. The food was really good and was a welcome change from McD’s and Hardees.

It was really cool to hang out with Linda. I think this was the first time since we broke up that I saw her as someone I love, not someone I am in love with. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss her on occasion because I do…sometimes things remind me of her or I just get her on my mind and it makes me sad, but tonight I saw her as a friend. It was really nice. We talked about our relationships (the thing with D is not gonna work out). It was weird at first to talk about going out with someone with her, but I think I felt better once we got that out of the way. Its easier for me to hear her talk about her new boyfriend (who isn’t so new these days). It was just good to hang out with her. I’m glad we can be friends.

Brian's Take on Lithium

Lithium and I are old acquaintances and, recently, friends. I was diagnosed
with BP 1 in 1989 at the splendidly hormonal age of 17. After much
resistance because of how manic I was, I finally decided I was really,
really sick because of hallucinations, sleeplessness, and a general feeling
of "OHSHITOSHITOHSIT!!!!! things are most definitely NOT okay" some 9 weeks
or so after my general fractioned made the call.

In 1990, the only meds in use for bipolar disorder were Lithium and
Tegretol. Carbamazepine was used for folks who were treatment refractory to
Lithium, meaning that Lithium did not do the job. I have heard that some
65% or so of folks with bipolar disorder are responsive to Lithium and that
those of us who are probably are genetically so inclined. Lithium was a
wonder drug for me because of the simple fact that I had no manic or
depressive episodes at all during the period from January 1990 until when I
quit Lithium without anyone's knowledge in June 1995. Like most folks who
take the standard dose of Lithium typically prescribed back then, I quit
because of the side effects and what I perceived to be a dulling down of my
overall quality of life.

Lithium is a salt, therefore the most noticeable side effect is dry mouth,
excessive thirst and a tendency toward rapid dehydration requiring 2-3x as
much water as any other comparably sized person. This is also known as an
anticholinergic side effect. Other ACH side FX include constipation,
blurred vision, urinary retention, memory impairment & confusional states.
Blurred vision and mild hallucinations are a sign of Lithium toxicity, as
are the confusional states. Constipation is a typical side effect of
Lithium that usually goes away after one gets used to it in 2-4 weeks or so.

Lithium causes tremors in one's hands, around the eyes, mouth, and toes. It
sometimes is so bad that tying shoe laces and threading needles become
difficult. This is an example of an extrapyramidal side effect. Most EPS
are associated with antipsychotics and include shuffling gate (the
"Thorazine Shuffle" as in the Gov't Mule song and on psyche wards), muscle
spasms, tardive dyskinesia (a serious long-term irreversible muscle spasming
condition), stiffness/rigidity and the ever-vexing problem of flat affect.
That's right. Feeling flat is a real side effect of many meds and qualifies
as extrapyramidal. I had the shakes for a few years and while they subsided
some, they never really went away. It made me look rather spastic most of
the time. I also had flat affect for much of that time. Sure, I'd feel
things and emotions, but not as intensely and not at certain hours of the
day. Any time I went on Lithium Holiday for a day or several, the flat
affect would disappear quickly. This made the decision to quit temptingly
easy in the end.

From 1990-1995, I was on 1800-2100 mg of Lithium. I am 6 feet tall and back
then around 210 or so. That dosage gave me a blood level of about 1.1. The
target range has typically been and, in general, still is 0.9-1.2. The range
falls just short of toxicity and seems to be the way all psychiatrists go
about prescribing Lithium in the U.S.

After quitting Lithium in 1995, my pdoc told my mom "prepare yourself, it's
just a matter of time before Brian gets sick again, most likely manic." He
was absolutely right on. I hung in there for about 8 months, but my manic
potential is limitless and it returned with a vengeance. I became floridly
psychotic in a vaulting mania for about 10 weeks, maybe more....my memory
has holes blown through it from the experience. After that 2d
hospitalization and subsequent crash into deep depression, I swore I'd never
quit meds again, ever, because the consequences for me are dire.

In the late summer of 2004, I started rapid-cycling again even though I was
faithfully taking Lamictal and Seroquel. This was the 3d med combo for me.
6 years of Depakote disintegrated into major depression in 2001-2002. A
new, brilliant pdoc helped me find a new treatment. I wasn't willing to go
"backward" in my treatment by taking Lithium. Lamictal & Seroquel gave me
the highest level of functioning I'd ever known, but their
effectiveness--probably the Lamictal's--waned and fizzled altogether by Fall
2004. I went to a Naturopath and tried a wide variety of vitamins along
with fish oil and other stuff. 2 months later and things were actually
worse, though the fish oil did work for a short while. Meanwhile, I tried
adding Lexapro, increasing Lamictal, upping Seroquel and adding Topomax.
The Lexapro made things worse according to my current pdoc who is a research
teacher at Dartmouth Medical School in NH. I fired my previous pdoc because
I felt he was clueless and unhelpful. I asked about Lexapro, he said "that
could work," we tried it, I improved in the immediate term but worsened
significantly in the middle term. I tried the other stuff to no avail.
Topomax made me unable to do anything without forgetting what I was trying
to do.

In late December, I was desperate. The problem was that I didn't know where
to go to. There are new meds like Gabitril, Zonegram, Keppra and others. I
guess I could have tried them. However, it dawned on me that Lithium never
stopped working 10 years ago--I just quit it. Could it still work again? I
phoned the pdoc who helped me in 2001 where he currently works at the
National Institute of Mental Healthy (NIMH). Like I said, the guy is
brilliant. He said "new research and data from Europe show that things are
not as they seemed with Lithium. Folks there are using it at a blood serum
level of 0.4-0.8 with great success, comparable to the higher doses, but
with significantly less side effects. Moreover, after cessation of Lithium
treatment, it has been shown to work again when treatment is resumed."
Previously, the general thinking was that it wouldn't work again if a person
quit it. That's why I was prescribed Depakote in May 1996.

I have a Durable Power Of Attorney document. In it, I detail what is to
happen if I should get sick with bipolar disorder to the extent where I'm
unable to make decisions for myself. I give treatment preferences, among
other things. I wrote that if things get out of control and none of the
newer meds work, that I am to be given Lithium. After talking to my old
pdoc down at NIMH, I decided to take my own advice.

Predictably, my current pdoc wanted to put me on the same dose I used to
take. I refused and asked for half that. Instead of a 1.1, my current
blood serum level is around a 0.63. It's time for me to get a new one.
Here's the clincher: I stopped rapid-cycling almost immediately. I have
not had any major episodes in 7 months. My hands shake only when I am
really dehydrated. I do feel thirsty more of the time than before, but hey!
Lots of water is good! I generally feel about the same as before. I've put
on maybe 10 pounds, mostly because I haven't been as active as before. I
feel things. I am more tired than before, but it is something I must get
used to.

I know people who have been stable on Lithium for 9, 15, 22, even 35 years.
I was stable on it for 6. Every med I've tried since has failed in less
time. If I can have another 6 years of stability, maybe I can have 30 or
more. The side effects of this dosage of Lithium are annoying at times, but
certainly not enough to wreck my life and, as such, are far more preferable
than the hell I've just gone through again that really did wreck my life.
Lithium has put my mind back together again and allowed me the chance to put
my life back together again also.

One last thing that's important here is that I have become a food snob. I
am strict about ingesting things that are all natural and organic whenever
possible. I live in a good place for that as Vermont has no shortage of
places to get organic food. Of all the prescription medications out there
for bipolar disorder, Lithium Carbonate is as simple, basic and natural as
one can get. It is not organic because Lithium is an inorganic salt. It
does, however, comprise numbers 3 and 6 on the Periodic Table of Elements
with Lithium and Carbon, respectively. That's it! No weird sounding
chemical additives. Lithium bubbles up out of the ground in hot springs
the world over. My ptherp has bipolar disorder type-2 and has visited one
of these springs in New Mexico, way before she stabilized on the meds she
now takes. She told me that it "mellowed her out for about a week after
soaking in one of the springs."

There is the entirety of what I know about Lithium. I hope this is
helpful!!


With Balance,
Brian

Bleeding

* if youre a cutter, don’t read this*

Everything was going along just fine….I’m not fine anymore. I did my nightly Starbucks routine…took a book, sat at my table, tried to read. I couldn’t concentrate on what I was reading. I started to have this strange awareness that everyone there was talking to someone else, except me. I felt like I was in study hall in junior high in a corner with a book all over again. There were different groups of people – the hippies, the old ladies, the college girls…and then there was me. Usually I am totally unaware of my surroundings when I am there. I tend to immerse myself in whatever I’m reading, but not tonight. I wanted to cry. I couldn’t control it. I got in the car, started to drive and totally lost it. Then I was driving with my contacts all fucked up..sticky and cloudy because of the tears that wouldn’t stop. I began having these images…a slideshow….of me, cutting my throat with a box cutter…blood pouring out (waaay more blood than is actually in a human body, I am sure)…I could see myself floating in a sea of my own blood…feeling realeased…calm…finished. That’s pretty twisted, right? I want to cut, theres something calming about blood…something definite and warm… Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything, I feel too drained from crying to use the rest of my energy to hurt myself. Wanting to do something and actually doing it are different things….kind of like daydreaming of slapping someone upside the head – it’s a nice dream sometimes, but you have control over it. I have control over it tonight.

After the slideshow…driving home in the dark, I had another mental image…or a reminder, I guess…I thought of the woman in the Bible that had been bleeding for 12 years. All she wanted was to touch Jesus to be healed. She knew He could heal her if she touched him…and she touched him, and she was healed because of her faith. I relate to this woman more than anyone else in the entire Bible. I bleed too. I bleed inside where no one can see. I bleed, and I bleed, and I bleed…I wish I could touch Him like she did. That’s the one thing I want more than anything else in this world…just like her…I want to touch him and be healed.

Contentment

You know what pisses me off? (You really dont care do you.) Contentment - it drives me nuts. I've wanted to be content my whole life...content with where I am, who I am, my job...all of those things that everyone wants to be content with.

I've been a bit of a nomad for a long time...just kind of wandering through life...not sure about anything. I've finally, in the past year and a half or so, settled down alittle. I bought a house, I've been working at the same job for a while - and I've become content. In the past week or so I've gotten alittle restless. I think of all the things I've done & would like to do again, I've thought about all the things I havent done and would like to...places I havent seen, people I havent met...and at this moment, contentment has flown out the window.

We wake up every morning and wrap ourselves in the warm towels of life where everything is safe, everything is the same - nothing ever changes. The routine is always the same...every day. Maybe I just need a vacation or something, I dont know. I just feel like I have something inside me thats about to explode. I have this unquenchable thirst for something more. Is becoming content a good thing? - or is it laziness? Or is it different things for different people?

I try to pinpoint what it is that I'm not content with at the moment. I dont require alot...I dont care about money, I've been broke as hell forever, and although lots of money would be nice, its not on the top of the priority list. I want to see things. I want to go places. I miss driving to work with the pacific ocean on one side of the highway and mountains on the other. I miss real cacti (thats a weird word). I want to see the east coast. I want to spend a winter where there is snow.

It's weird, sometimes I like being alone at my house, and other times its a detrimental thing. I think my need to get out stems from never wanting to be at my house when I was a kid....I tried my best to stay away from my house as much as possible. I stayed with friends or with my cousins. I never wanted to be at home. Now, I have a daily ritual of going somewhere...anywhere...I read a book at Starbucks and drank coffee until my eyes turned brown last night. It's strange that other people make me nervous, yet I need to be around them....just for the noise, or just to know that life is going on.

My surroundings really effect my mental health. I'm not saying that I cant stand where I live or what I'm doing - I dont know what the hell I'm saying. I need some excitement or something.

I was really depressed in Texas. I wouldnt ever want to live there, although San Antonio is pretty cool. I like New Mexico alot, Arizona, California, Colorado. I even like Tennessee. I'd like to go to Oregon and Washington....I've never been up that way. I want to see stupid things like Niagara Falls and the frickin Grand Canyon (yup, Ive never stopped at the Grand Canyon, it didnt seem too important when I was there). I've always wanted to hitch hike across the country, or just drive (a breadtruck - dont ask), I want to see and do everything. I want to spend time on an island, live primitively - work picking bananas or something...live in Mexico for a while...hell, I just wanna air out somewhere.....but if I moved to another place, would I live in contentment for a while and then get a wild hair and need to go somewhere else? I like the ocean, it calms me...I like solitude in the mountains...I just want something new. It gets so boring here. Everything is always green and covered with kudzu or brown in the winter...its just so predictable.

What do I want to do when I grow up? I've been content with my job. I like what I do...it isnt too stressful....its a really good job. It's hard to let go of those dreams you have when you're a kid. I wanted to do 3D animation. I had dreams of Pixar...but it aint happenin. I want to do something that matters...something concrete...something visual. I want no creative restraints, I just want to do what I do. I like things to be laid back...no rules - just get the job done. Know a job like that? :)

I feel guilty for having these feelings. I should be happy with what I have...and for the most part, I am. I doubt I'd have insurance while picking bananas on an island. Sometimes I just feel stuck. I need to remember the lesson my step-sister taught me: You're never stuck, you always have options.

Wow

I read a book a couple of months ago after reading an article about self harm...the book is Ellusive Butterfly by Amy Hillgren Peterson. Amy visited my blog tonight. I think thats awesome. It's a really good book...it makes a lot of sense to me. Some of the things in it feel like I couldve written it. Amy, I'd like to share your metamorphosis poem sometime if thats cool with you.

Also, a few folks have left comments on my blog thinking that your email address shows up when you post. It doesnt when you post anonymously, so theres no way for me to contact ya. My email address is sunraven0@msn.com for those of you that wanna email me privately.

Trying to raise some cashflow for the website

I came up with a logo for the site....I made some t-shirts
here:
http://www.cafepress.com/bipolarland
and here:
http://www.cafepress.com/fightstigma

I dont make much off the stuff on cafepress, so Im gonna try to figure out how to get a paypal "donate" button on here.

If I can raise about $100, that would get the domain name and host it for a year with the ability to use PHP for the forums & I think there will be enough storage space and bandwidth to handle the traffic & forums.

We shall see what happens. I think the logos pretty cool, but I am goofy, so tell me if its stupid.

Sleeping

Darkness is gonna bleed from me
before you shut the door
and the blood stains cant be erased
when they hit the floor
I'm pretending to be asleep
afraid to open my eyes
The way you look at me
send shivers down my spine
Just take everything I am
and slowly rip it apart
I shouldve known it would be this way
from the very start
But I'm spinning and I'm spinning
laying here on the kitchen floor
and in just a few moments time
I wont take no more
Its the only thing I can control
Just leave me alone

Lithium

I read this today -

Suicide is a very real risk for many people with bipolar disorder - Dr. E Fuller Torrey (author of Surviving Manic Depression) estimates that approximately 25% of all people with bipolar will attempt suicide, and the estimates of some studies have gone as high as 50%.

Fortunately, this tragedy is often preventable. One solution that has been the subject of numerous studies is the purported anti-suicidal effects of lithium, one of the most commonly prescribed mood-stabilizing medications. More evidence for the anti-suicidal effects of lithium has just been released

In a new review article (Arch Suicide Res 2005:9(3):307-19), authors analyzed existing data from international research groups in Sweden, Italy, and the U.S. and concluded that bipolar patients on lithium had an 8-times lower suicide risk than those not taking lithium. The study concludes that: "The great number of lives potentially saved by lithium adds to the remarkable benefits of lithium in economical terms."

Although it is not clear in the article cited above whether patients taking lithium were being compared with patients taking other medications, or patients not on any sort of treatment, other studies doing direct comparisons have also shown the anti-suicidal benefits of lithium. One study from the Journal of American Medicine followed 20,638 patients for seven years who had at least one outpatient diagnosis of bipolar disorder, and were taking either lithium, carbamazapine, or divalproex. After adjusting for confounding variables (age, sex, health plan, year of diagnosis, comorbid medical and psychiatric conditions, and concomitant use of other psychotropic drugs), the authors concluded that those taking divalproex had a 2.7 times greater risk of suicide deaths than those taking lithium.

--------------------------------------------------------------

When I went in to do the meds thing Friday, Lithium was mentioned...I think mainly because Ive been cycling about every 3-4 weeks like clockwork. I've read about some of the side effects on www.crazymeds.org Is anyone out there taking it? I wanna hear about side effects and how well it works. I want to know from real people...I can read about it all day long, but I want to hear from a real person that actually takes the stuff(Brian, Oh Brian, where art thou?)

The Perfect Bipolar Website

I've been surfing...checking out all of the bipolar info sites on the web, and I was wondering what you guys think...what would the perfect bipolar site contain? What kind of info? Links to blogs? Forums? I've been thinking of designing one...I need to come up with the $ to get it started, but I want to create something that bipolar folks would visit on a regular basis. Whats needed that isnt out there? What sites do you visit regularly now? What do you like about them? I made need some help to get things started if anyone is interested in writing some informational stuff for the site. Just something I'm pondering....

A Sad Story

Man, I read this story this morning that made me really sad. It was about an 11 year old girl in NY who killed herself. She hung herself in the bathroom of her home with her family downstairs...and the family had no idea why she did it. It was an awful story that brought up alot of memories.

I remember being 11 years old....vividly. I dont remember the first time I ever thought about killing myself, but it was sometime before then. I never had a definite plan until I was 12. I was drinking a lot by that time and thought I could put an end to my misery with a bottle of vodka and some Tylenol. I missed 42 days of school in 7th grade. I cried every day. I spent most of my time outside drinking Jim Beam & Dr. Pepper that my friend, Shelton, got from his brother. I never actually tried to kill myself until I was somewhere around 15....I loaded up on some Demerol that my aunt had & some disgusting alcoholic concoction that one of my friends mixed at a party we had while my aunt & uncle were out of town. I woke up...I threw up...and I was pissed.

When I look back on how young I was when all of that started, it makes me never in a million years want to have kids. Nobody knew how really screwed up I was....except for totally not understanding why I couldnt stop crying and why I couldnt get out of the house in the mornings to go to school. I should have failed 7th grade.

The article about the kid in NY went on to say that in 2002 about 300 kids under the age of 14 killed themselves. I know most people think "what the heck do kids have going on that would cause them to do something as dramatic as taking their own lives." Its weird - I totally understand it because I was there. I remember wishing that I had never been born on a regular basis while my parents where still married, so I was younger than 11. I remember praying to God that he would kill me so that I wouldnt have to do it myself. The only thing that kept me from doing it was my brother. He's 5 years younger than me, so he was 6 when I was 11 & even at that age I felt like I was his protector.

I started burning my hands in the 5th grade, but I didnt start cutting on a regular basis until I was about 15 years old. I guess its normal for kids to go through some depression...being a kid can be tough...other kids can be really mean & it can be hard to find a place where you fit in. I guess the story just reminded me how I felt when I was that girl's age. It's such a tragedy that she'll wont get to experience life. I cant imagine how her family must feel. It's hard for me to think about the future sometimes...but I do think about the things I wouldve missed if I had checked out at such an early age.

It's scary to me when I think of having kids....how do you know that you're kid is in such a dark place? How do you know when its an abnormal depression or just the normal ups and downs of adolescense? Well, lets hope that I dont have to worry about that any time soon.....the story just got me thinking about it.

Too Much Thought for One Night

I’ve been thinking a lot tonight…its been an interesting evening. We are all just an anthology of our own personal experiences. We are who we are because of the things we’ve been through, the lessons we’ve learned the hard way, the people who have hurt us, the people we have hurt…. We grow from experience every day…whether we know it or not…whether we want to or not.

I had a remarkable realization tonight – I finally know who I am…or at least I have a clue. This hasn’t dawned on me until tonight. I’ve struggled my whole life to have some idea who the person I stare at in the mirror in the morning really is….what makes me happy…what I really want - in relationships, out of life…..exactly what my requirements are...for myself...for relationships... I think I finally have an idea. With that realization comes the heartbreak that those needs may never be met. It’s a hell of a disappointment, but I guess I can also look at it as some kind of purpose, something to try to achieve…and I haven’t had that up until recently.

Tonight was a disappointment in itself….realizing that a lot of other people don’t know who they are either. I think when you are searching for yourself, you tend to think that everyone else has this crystal clear image in their mind of their own self…wants…needs.

I had a moment tonight where I actually knew some of my personal strengths…what I have to give…what makes me who I am…and that who I am sometimes isn’t so bad.

I was having a conversation with someone and I think the frustration came when I expected the other person to know what it would take to make them happy…and they didn’t have a clue. Don’t get me wrong – I have periods of thinking that nothing in the world can make me happy (just see recent previous posts), but I have an idea…as fantastical as it may be…of what I want out of life…and the other person just wasn’t there yet. I don’t think I am any better than that person, but its hard to be in a relationship when you are at that point and they aren’t.

That sucks.

I’m 25 years old (26 in 19 days), but I have some interesting experiences…a lot of them I wish I didn’t have. Its hard to find people my age that can relate….EXTREMELY HARD…and that sucks….bigtime. I’m not sure if its really a maturity thing… I hate when people try to use the “I’m immature” card to excuse the fact that they don’t want to face up to where they are in life and take responsibility for themselves. It pisses me off actually.

I don’t know what the point of all of this is really…other than I guess the only thing really good about tonight was when it hit me that I’ve grown from where I know I was about a year and a half ago. I’m writing this down so I can remember this when I’m having an “I suck and feel shitty” episode.

Meds and Animal Sacrifices

Today I read about an American man who decided that he would try all sorts of different remedies for his depression. He went to different support groups, took different medications, tried the homeopathic remedies, etc. He went to west Africa, where they have a process called "ndeup" - which is much like voodoo... the process is supposed to rid you of spirits that cause your depression. It involved some drums, a ram, a bird, herbs, and all sorts of stuff. The guy had to lay down with the ram (which was alive at the time) under 12 blankets while people danced around. The ram's throat was slit and the man was covered completely with its blood...they let it dry and wrapped the man in the rams intestines...buried some stuff...stomped on some holes in the ground..and then women spit mouthfuls of water all over him to clean him off. The man said it was more satisfying than any psychotherapy session he'd been through in the west because of the sense of community. Interesting...it kind of reminded me of the women in the sweat lodge in California...What we go through to rid ourselves of our "demons!"

I came across that story as I was reading about alternatives to conventional medications, therapy, and the like. I read about Omega-3 fatty acids, St. John's Wort, and all of that good stuff. I'd be willing to give that stuff a try in addition to my meds, but who knows how things like that will react with the meds I take.

I once knew someone who took about 30 freakin herbal supplements and vitamins a day to "feel better". I don't know how that could make you feel better tho - it'd make me sick to my stomach, no doubt. It didnt work very well for her either. She was one of the most depressed people I have known.

I think about taking vitamins because my diet sucks. I eat crap, to put it bluntly. I know I don't eat enough vegetables and all of that good stuff. I don't cook. I eat at McDonalds more than any homosapien should and I like coffee and Mountain Dew (I'm totally addicted). I don't know what vitamins or herbal supplements I can take tho...I guess thats a question I should pose to someone formally educated in the field of medicine ;) I dont want to add 10 more pills to my daily intake, but I'd take a vitamin or 2 if it would help.

I get ancy and irritable and want to throw the whole tub of medication that is taking over my dining room table far, far away....If I dont eat and I take my meds in the morning, I feel like crap...I feel like my emotions are blunt or I feel like they arent blunt enough...theres never an in-between...but who doesnt want everything to be perfect, I guess.

I read this today - "What these drugs do is to allow you to have your pain in more important places, in better places, for richer reasons".

Hmmm....I know that I'd be screwed if I didnt take my medicine. I've finally come to that conclusion. Now, who knows- in a month I may think I'm just fine and I dont need the damn things....but at the moment, I do realize that they've probably saved my life. Theyre just such a pain in the ass! ...and then there is the side effects...the sweating, hot flashes from hell, the weird things my mouth does when I'm falling asleep, sleeping too much, not sleeping enough....I wont even address the sexual side effects...the list goes on and on. I've heard the question raised more than once, "which is worse, the disease or the cure". All I can say about it is that I guess being alive is worth the side effects....or, I guess it is at the moment.

It really trips me out how long depression has been studied...in 30 years, the medicines we take today may seem stupid. Think about how far the field of psychiatry has come in the last 30 years (dont listen to Tom Cruise)...but how much more is really known now? What the heck is this medicine going to do to me long term? ...at least I'm not having to have 900 million jolts of electricity run through my brain, although at times I would definitely do it if it would help.

Oh well, dont worry, I'm not going to start sacrificing rams.

D. and I are going out tonight. I always get nervous before he comes over....maybe thats a good thing? I dont know - its hard for me not to stress about such things. He's so freakin cute tho!

Along for the Ride

Ah, another day in bipolarland. I think I have it figured out that my moods are cycling about every 3 weeks…which I guess is good compared to every 3 hours! The thing that sucks about it is that the depression lasts for so long when it shows up. I can feel myself declining now…about every 2 weeks I kind of go into mixed mode…agitated, scattered…mixed with moments of total despair. I’m feeling ok at the moment…sort of like I’ve taken a lot of antihistamines, I’ve got a headache and I’m tired no matter how much I sleep…but I don’t want to die, so I guess I have to say that things are good. I was keeping up with my moods at www.moodtracker.com I really should start doing that again. I can find time to sit here and type this meaningless babble, so I should be able to find time to do that.

I’ve decided that I’m burning every cd that Pink Floyd ever made tonight. That is my mission. I’m kind of in a Green Day mood too. I finally got to see the Live 8 Pink Floyd reunion…holy crap, how cool was that? I’m trying to catch it on tv so I can record it. “Wish You Were Here” is my favorite song of all time. It was great.

Speaking of Live 8, I have tried to steer clear of my political beliefs here, but if you want to know more about it and the One Campaign, there are links on the left side of the site. I know people have a lot of differences of opinions on the war & things of that nature, but I think most people can unite when it comes to helping people who are dying every day because they have no food. Live 8 focuses on Africa, but I think it’s a problem that needs to be addressed here at home too. I’ve known a lot of people who’s luck has just been shitty, and its just stupid that in a country like ours that there are people who eat out of dumpsters….thats my political rant of the day….I wont go into medical stuff and the costs of prescription drugs because I don’t have enough room on this blog to get properly pissed…so that’s it. I will stop and be nice. Besides, I don’t have the energy for much of a rant.

I don’t know about this D. thing. I like him a lot…but, ya know, I am too intense and complicated for 99.73% of all people…I know that’s hard to believe. I guess I’ll just have fun while it lasts. He’s coming over tomorrow night. It’s hard for me to just relax and have fun…my damned internal dialogue!

We watched Napoleon Dynamite the other night…good Lord, I swear it reminded me so much of Junior High. Is everyone geeky as hell in Junior High? It was hilarious, but also a bit depressing to remember how horrible that experience was. I wore combat boots and flannel shirts every day & dated a guy that thought he was Rob Smith of the Cure…he even wore the mascara. Never date a guy that wears more make-up and uses more hairspray than you do…and that is my advice of the night.

Mother, Should I trust the government?

Music, Books, Tornados, Rollercoasters, Mormons & Hurricanes

If I had to describe how I feel at the moment with one word, the word would be fragmented. I have a little of a lot to say if that makes sense. Weird thoughts are coming to me…relating to each other by the strangest…smallest things. My body feels really slow. I slept all day yesterday after I got home. D. and I didn’t stay up too late Thursday night, but I think just having someone in my space for an extended amount of time kind of did me in. I went to sleep at about 5 yesterday and slept all night. I got up this morning about 9:30. I still feel tired. Tired and wired all at the same time.

I decided this morning that today would be a Led Zeppelin day. Sometimes (lots of times) I designate 1 singer or band for the day to listen to. However, I decided to make a Starbucks/BAM run and I left the cds inside….I remembered them as I was driving out of my driveway, so I came back in to get them. Apparently, I didn’t put my emergency brake on, and as I went inside I heard an interesting crashing noise. I thought Marley was destroying something outside as she usually does…but no, it was my car crashing into my fence. Sometimes Im such a dumbass. Oh well, it didn’t hurt the fence much.

Anyway, I got sidetracked from Led Zeppelin, and put in the new cd by The White Stripes. It was the first time I’ve listened to it, and its awesome….so the day became a White Stripes day and Ive been listening to all of their stuff….I am thinking that they may break into my Top 10 bands (oh lord, here I go with Top 10 lists…I’ll spare you all).

I went to BAM and decided that I would actually buy a book (the BAM people probably thought the world was going to end). I thought that I should have something to read as we get blown away from the hurricane…so I got On the Road by Jack Kerouac and The Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris…now, how about that for variety.

Thinking of the hurricane, made me think of when I was young and living with my aunt and uncle. Anytime there was a tornado, we’d all load up in the car and go look for it (or they made us think we were looking for it). It was fun because it was so scary…kind of like a rollercoaster.

Thinking of rollercoasters made me think of the time I went to Six Flags in Houston with a group of Mormons (some of which I was living with at the time). We got stuck upside down on a rollercoaster. I haven’t been on one since….I’d rather look for tornadoes.

Shiiiiiiiittttttt, lightning just hit something right outside my back door. It scared the crap out of Marley, she wouldn’t come out from underneath my back steps. I finally drug her in here. I guess I should locate candles and all that crap.

Better post while theres power. Later.

A Song

From some song lyrics I read today:

Poems have their darker rhythms. Stories sometimes make us wait for happy endings. So also the Father sometimes sings to us in minor keys. Those who refuse to listen to the deep meaning behind the song of darker days are sometimes driven to the edge. I have been there too. Even from that dark point of view, by grace we are able to see His love for us and find strength to move back from the edge and into waiting Arms.

Undone

We counted
after the lightning strikes
the rain was orgasmic
as it fell on my face
I smiled inside as you kept the time
you grabbed my hand
and led me there
The storm clouds rose
and the tears drenched my clothes
The rain was heavy
as it fell on my face
after you changed
language was inadequate
to describe where I was
as the rain came down
and turned to a flood
I laid in the steam
brought by the sun
until it fell beyond the skyline
That was the night
I came undone.

Music & Brain Waves

I’m listening to Bob Dylan & Johnny Cash sing “The Girl from the North Country” and crying my eyes out…why? – I have no idea. Its just damn sad I guess. Good Lord, I think I need to switch out the mp3 playlist. :::wiping tears:::

Well, my house is semi-clean sort of. I guess its as good as its getting. I didn’t do much today…crashed after work, did the B-A-M/Starbucks run…got D. a couple of comic books while I was at B-A-M…cleaned alittle bit (not much, but I got the records off the floor.)

I read something interesting today; it was an article on brain music therapy. These folks hook you up and record brain waves and then transform them into classical music notes and they give you 1 cd for relaxation and 1 for stimulation. I wonder how much they charge to do that? That’s pretty cool. The site is http://www.brainmusictreatment.com I’m sure it doesn’t help a damn thing, but it’s a cool idea…I’ll be running wires from my head into a midi input on a sound card soon. Theres carousel music and banjos in there, I swear! ;) Most people may get classical music, but I’d get frickin Dueling Banjos. That kinda sucks.

Ok, Pearl Jam is making me cry too. No more music…unless its in my head.

Time for meds. Hopefully the tear ducts will calm down.

September Eyes

I still see those September eyes
in my dreams
running from the walls that tumble down
as you sleep in the passenger seat
its out of my hands for now
stay...
dont just walk away
Will the visions ever escape me
driving towards Mexico
looking for a liquid cure
to fill my arm
so I cant see
those September eyes
and Im drunk as hell
on the interstate
under a bridge is the most comfortable place
sometimes
when the pillows smell of you
with your September eyes

Animal Kingdom

Well, well, where has the day gone? I must’ve missed it as I was slumbering on my couch half the day. I crashed after work. My energy fades quickly. Still have a dirty house. Oh well, damn. Tomorrow is definitely going to be clean up day (I say that every day, don’t I).

My mom called right after I got home from work. There has been a tragedy in our family. My brother has had the same 2 fish for at least 5 years. He loves them, treats them like dogs or something. He takes them to a fish doctor when they are sick. I’ve never known anyone to love a frickin fish so much. Anyway, today their tank got too hot and they went belly-up. My brother, God bless his sweet soul, is ultra-sensitive…much like his older sister. He has cried all day long. I couldn’t call him because if he cries, I bawl….so I haven’t been able to express my sympathy yet. Poor guy, he had a pet chicken this summer…a little black chicken that he rescued on my dad’s farm. He toted the little thing with him around everywhere….then he started sleeping with it. He could call the chicken and it would come running to him. It thought he was its mother or something. Anyway, my brother rolled over on the chicken one night and killed it. He cried for a week….and he had only had the chicken about a month. So, this fish thing is going to be brutal. His heart is even bigger than his football playing body. I really feel bad for the little ass….he will always be a little ass to me, I don’t care that he could bench press me 9,000 times. I have to quit thinking about it…it’ll make me cry just knowing that he’s so sad.

D. called tonight and wants me to go with him Friday to take his personal trainer certification test…that might be a cool outing. I think he’s coming over Thursday night to see my house (see, tomorrow has to be clean-up day). Don’t worry though (you worriers know who you are), having gnarly scars on your legs (and burns at this moment) really aids in abstinence. Poor guy. I’m really starting to think that he likes me…which is an enormous occasion since I have the self esteem of a rock.…a small rock….a pebble if you will. It’s hard for me to believe that someone really wants to hang out with me. He’s called every day since he got my number…so apparently he likes talking to me too. This is strange….very very strange….its kinda cool tho. The only major issue that I have not divulged at this point is thre cutting/burning thing….thats a biggie….that wont come out for a while.

I woke up at about 8 & then got out of the house for a while…did my Books-A-Million/Starbucks routine. I’m having a bit of an emotional overload today for some reason…not sure what that deal is. Its one of those nights where you have to be careful what you watch on tv because you may end up bawling on the couch with your dog for 10 hours.

Speaking of dogs – Marley has gotten really skinny. I hope its just because its hot and she doesn’t want to eat or something. I’m alittle worried about her. I cant feel her ribs or anything, but shes getting REALLY skinny. I hope I am feeding her enough…sometimes I worry about my ability to be a good mother. I feel like I neglect her a lot when I am going through a depression. She can tell when Im depressed…shes much more calm and she licks me a lot. Sometimes I feel like I can hardly take care of myself and that its an injustice that she got me as a human. Sometimes I think about letting my mom have her because she'd take better care of her. I really suck at being a mom. Shes the best dog. I got her some new dog food…I hope she’ll like it and eat more.

I’m off to watch Law & Order re-runs. Its an addiction.

Trying to Keep it on 2 Wheels

Last year on the 4th I wrecked my motorcycle...so my main plan yesterday was to keep myself out of ditches. But - I didnt ride my bike because I thought it was supposed to rain (hasnt it been supposed to rain every day for the past 2 weeks or something...and it never does). It will pour down like crazy today just because I said that. I havent ridden in a while and I'm having motorcycle withdrawals...I need to get out and clean my bike (a lot more fun than cleaning my house).

I'm not awake. I couldn't sleep last night. I guess I did so much yesterday that my brain went into overdrive. Yesterday sort of started off alittle yucky, I was just feeling alittle down for no good reason. My house is still messy. I did run the dishwasher, got a load of laundry done, and I sort of cleaned my bathroom...but that didnt put a dent in things.

I decided that cleaning sucks, so I went to my grandparent's. My uncle grills hamburgers and hotdogs and stuff on the 4th. When I got there, D. called. The dude that was going to have a party had to work or something, so I met D. in Magee and he came to my grandparent's house with me. It was cool, we hung out there from about 12:30 to 5:00. My brother and my uncle had guitars blaring. I thought the family gathering (there were 15 of us there) might be a bit much for D., but he was fine...he's a bit shy so I thought he may find a corner and hide, but he didnt...he fit in well. I wouldve freaked out in that situation if I were him.

We went to his house and watched the movie SAW. It was kind of gross...but it was cool to just hang out. We just kinda chilled out until he had to go to work.Sooo, I didnt get home until 10:30 and I was wide awake....but I didnt feel like doing anything, so I just watched Monk and some other stupid crap on tv....got online and read some blogs....and I finally crashed about 1:30.

Anyway, it ended up being a good day even though it started out kind of sucky. My house may never get cleaned. I like hanging out with D. He is really nice.

Thinking outside of the box

Im almost embarrassed, being a web designer, that my blog is a template. However, I have dove into the depths of my brain and cant decide what I want to do to it...colorc, etc. Anyone have any suggestions?

I'm going to eat hotdogs now...the official meal of the 4th of July.

In a Funk Again

I feel like I never really got started today. I got up and went to church and then did my normal Sunday ritual of lunch at my grandparent's house. I stopped by to see my mom who has returned from Belize with pictures of her "petting" 8 foot sharks (and I wonder where my insanity comes from), and then I came home to try to do some stuff in my house. If you've ever been depressed for an extended period of time, you know that your house goes to hell in a handbasket (what the hell is a handbasket?). My house is nasty & I am a bit of a clean freak. It makes me wanna hurl just thinking about all the stuff that needs doing. I have so much laundry to do that I could clothe a third world country with my dirty clothes. However, I have tried and tried to get started and its just not happening. I just counted 15 mountain dew cans on my kitchen counter...yeah, seriously.

By 3:00 today I was totally wiped out...I slept on my couch, waking every once in a while to think about all the crap I needed to be doing instead of laying on my ass. I thought of all the stuff I'd LIKE to be doing...painting, drawing, finishing some poetry...and then I got depressed because my motivation is gone and my creativity is negative on the Creative Energy Richter Scale (which I just invented).

I got off my ass at about 9 and did something that every broke insomniac in the world should do at 9 at night - I went to Starbucks. I felt like I needed to get out of the house because I wanted to jump off a cliff, so I went for some crack in a plastic up as I like to call it (it costs as much as crack too).

So here it is...11:00. I've done nothing constructive as usual. I don't know why I've been crappy today, life is good. I guess sometimes that doesnt matter.

The shelf thing that my records are on crashed today and my room is littered with Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, and Bob Dylan. If you've read my post about how OCD I am about them, you'd know that this is a serious event...the alphabetical order thing is shot to hell and thats a major undertaking. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I talked to D. this afternoon. I think his grandfather had a heart attack (literally) while we were on the phone. They were going to the hospital and I havent heard back from him, so I dont know if he's ok.

I dont know what Im going to do now, but I feel like I need to do something...maybe throw the mountain dew cans away.

more old stuff....really old stuff...

Something I drew a while back.

My brain's alittle scattered

I must say that the date went very well. He’s funny, intelligent, cute, painfully shy, and fun. I had a good time. Dinner was good, Batman was good….we talked for a long time after the movie and I didn’t get home until about 2. Now for some reason, although I stay up until 2 most nights, I’ve been dead today. D. works from 10pm until 6am, so he was ready to find something else to do after the movie, but I told him I would fall out. It was fun. I wonder if he checked out my feet.

He brought up the subject of depression. He said he was glad to get out and do something because he’s been down….which led me to reveal the bipolar thing…whew….got that outta the way. I told him that Ive had a hell of a time the past few weeks too. He said something interesting; he said that sometimes he feels like he’s selfish for wanting to be happy. Sometimes I feel that way too….but some weird thing happened and I just started saying things I had no control over…like that I think that we’re most selfish when we’re depressed…that’s one of the things that sucks most about depression…we’re thinking only of ourselves. I hate that. As I was saying that, I was thinking Whoa, where’d this come from??

I thought about that a lot today. I have always felt selfish for being depressed and for wanting to be happy….and hell, that alone can make you depressed if you think about it too much. There are so many aspects to depression…theres the physical part – physically feeling like shit, not being able to eat or keep anything down, not sleeping, no energy….then theres the mental part – not being able to think clearly or function, being scattered, feeling like nothing will ever bring you out of the hole youre in, feeling like you suck worse than anything in the entire world, wanting to die….and as far as being bipolar, that’s just depression, that doesn’t touch the manic side of things. I think there’s a lot you can control and a lot that you cant. I think I feel most selfish when I feel most out of control. Anyway, that hurts my head so Im going to shut up.

D. and I both talked about some stuff that can send us into a whirlwind of hell. Have you ever noticed that a lot of times money is at the top of the depression list. I know it can be for me quite often. I don’t think anyone has enough money….even frickin Bill Gates isn’t satisfied or he wouldn’t totally rape us for his shitty software (that’s another post in itself). Its been hard for me to adjust to living by myself, on just my income, having to pay all of the bills myself with no one else checking the financial situation. To be honest, it sucks beyond recognition…I hate money. But – I shared a story with D. that was a good reminder to myself:

I met a homeless man in Washington, D.C. named Harvey. Harvey was one of the happiest dudes I’ve ever met…and he had nothing….nothing…except for the clothes on his back, food that people gave him or that he found in the dumpster, and a Bible that I stole for him out of my hotel room (yes, I stole a Bible…that’s bad, huh). Anyway, I’ll never forget Harvey as long as I live because he was so happy. I’d sit and smoke with him and we’d talk and he never once complained about having nothing….nowhere other than the alleys to get out of the rain. He only talked about how blessed he was. I wish I had what Harvey had.

Anyway, hows that for a bunch of really unrelated stuff? D. and I are possibly going to a party on the 4th…if the dude’s still having a party. If not, he may come to my grandparent’s with me because my uncle is going to be grilling. He’s a cool dude to hang out with…that’s all Im looking for.

Toenails?!?

It seems that I have become the make-over project of my office at work. Since news of my date I have been given the “Being Girly for Dummies” crash course. I don’t understand this thing about feet. Apparently it is a documented fact that guys “check out your feet”. I don’t have like bear claws or anything. I kind of like my feet…but giving into peer pressure I have painted my toe nails for like the second time in my life…and I even got a toe ring because I do notice those on girls and I like them, so I thought what the hell.

The girls at work wanted to go shopping with me and do my hair and all that BS ( I think I said something like Hell no)…what is it with girls and “make-overs”. Good Lord, they act like it’s the damn prom or something. I do not understand. I do know that when I was a kid and most girls my age where playing dress up, I was playing He-Man, Star Wars, and dissecting Barbie dolls (I’m not sure where they even came from). Anyway, I am certain that as soon as my friends get to work they will inspect my feet. There is something odd about that.

As I was making decisions about my extremities, D. (that’s what I’ll call him here) called me. I told him that I was doing important girly first date things…he thought that was pretty funny…but I talked to him for a while and we got all our plans in line for tomorrow night. So, there we go…he better look at my feet damnit.

I got some real live normal ear rings too. As many of you know, I did have 00 gauge holes in my ears (I could put my pinky finger through them)….but Ive been letting them close up for a few months and they are normal again. For some reason I feel like a pirate with normal little hoop things in my ears than I did with plugs in them…but whatever….normalization??

I am ready for the weekend….I feel really wiped out….not sure why. I have been feeling alittle better as far as my brain goes, but I think I could sleep for a week. Today we had a big deal retirement reception thing at work. I had done a video that we played and I’d been stressing about it alittle this week because it hadn’t been working right…but somehow by the grace of God, it worked perfectly and I didn’t have a coronary. I’m glad its over…we’ve been working on this retirement thing since April….but it went well and I didn’t freak out (I get nervous in groups of people). Just thinking about it is making me tired so I guess Im gonna head towards my sleeping apparatus.