Monday, July 31, 2006

Letter from God

Has it crossed your mind that I am proud that you accepted the gift of faith I offered you? Proud that you freely chose me, after I had chosen you, as your friend and Lord? Proud that, with all your warts and wrinkles, you haven’t given up? Proud that you believe in me enough to try again and again? Are you aware how I appreciate you for wanting me? Alas, I am sad when you do not believe I have forgiven you, or you feel uncomfortable approaching me.

-- The Ragamuffin's Gospel, by Brennan Manning

Sunday, July 30, 2006

On a Plane Over Arizona

Throbbing, pounding,
My heart is in my hears
And in your hands
Beads of sweat drop from my brow
My hands cold and wet
Will you love me in the dark
When all you can see is my innocence
And all you can feel is my love
All I desire in the world is to hold you
Protect you from yourself
And the evil the earth breathes
Will you like my taste
As I kiss the beautiful lips
That God granted only to angels
Will my fingertips make you tingle
Like in my dreams when I touch you
Not necessarily in the heat of passion
But what a passion indeed is mine
To finally touch the skin of the one Ive longed for
For so long
To hold your hand
Would send me into that sweet universe
I have created for us alone
The place where we can laugh and play
Talk and tickle, kiss and cuddle
And the world is not there
We do not have to be afraid
We love and live
On our beautiful cloud of peace
No sweat is on my brow, my hands
I am at peace within, my mind
Does not race or worry
Concentration is on you, your mind
Your divine body and the child
That hides behind your September eyes
I no longer am afraid, but my heart still pounds,
Throbs, beats…loud like an earthquake in my soul
For you…forever for you.

Friday, July 28, 2006

What causes BP & Other Questions

I’m going with what I’ve read here, so I hope I don’t piss anyone off or anything with how I’m going to answer these questions. Well, really I don’t care :)

Question 1: do you think people are born bipolar, or does it just develop based on certain factors, like genetic ones, or trauma, or chemical imbalances, or environmental causes?

D- all of the above. Most people with bipolar disorder have it in their family somewhere. I’ve also read that if you are predisposed to having bipolar disorder, a lot of times it is set off by trauma or environmental causes. For me, I think puberty/divorce/remarriage/drugs/alcohol all played a part in making me crazy. I think it all started about age 12. I also read on about.com that The American Journal of Psychiatry reports "in those with bipolar disorder, two major areas of the brain contain 30 percent more cells that send signals to other brain cells." This report theorizes that "the extra signal-sending cells may lead to a kind of overstimulation, which makes sense considering the symptoms of bipolar disorder." Soooo…the chemical imbalance thing is mixed in there too.

Question 2: sometimes I think every single person has some degree of bipolarity in them. Do you think so, or has any of your reading and research indicated anything to support this?

I haven’t read anything to support that….but we all have mood swings. Ours are just waaaaayyy more severe and frequent. I think to be bipolar you have to have had at least one MAJOR bout of depression and mania. The severity usually means not being able to get out of bed, irritability, zoning out bigtime, bouncing off the walls, not sleeping for a long time, sometimes hearing or seeing things that aren’t there….most of the symptoms are things that most normal people don’t experience.

Question 3: do you think the tendency for bipolarity is an inherited one? Do you think anybody else in your immediate family has it?

Yes. I think the first question my NP asked me was who else in my family is bipolar. I think my dad may be, Im not sure. I don’t know much about his side of the family. On my mom’s side, there have been a few suicides. Depression runs on her side, most definitely. But as far as immediate family, my dad is the prime suspect.

Hope that kinda helps. Got any more questions? If anyone else wants to throw their 2 cents in, I'd love to hear it. My answers are just based on things Ive read and my own personal experience.

Using Our Hardships

First of all, I want to assure you all that I am not manic. It really is strange to me how I can talk about blowing my brains out and no one says anything, but when I talk about Jesus, I “scare” some people. I feel fine, not too up, not too down. I think I am doing better since I decreased my anti-D and my mood stabilizer. The less drugs the better in my opinion. I’m doing well, and I feel like I am getting back on the right track. Anyway, on to what I want to say…

I hate being Bipolar. Sometimes I wonder why God chose me to give this to. Ups and downs and meds and freak outs. It sucks, bigtime and its something I will deal with forever.

I guess my afflictions aren’t as bad as Paul’s were….Ive never been in jail for no reason (well, Ive never been in jail at all), Ive never been stoned, or had to swim for my life after my boat sank. So I have it pretty good. Paul was chosen by God to spread the gospel, yet He allowed him to have many afflictions. I don’t get it.

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all" (Psalm 34:19)

Paul was cool with being afflicted by crappiness. He saw it as a blessing. Paul counted himself lucky to be worthy of suffering for Christ’s sake. He felt like he was in training. He became a veteran of knowing God’s faithfulness because he needed Him so much. God used Paul’s afflictions for a purpose. He showed us that even the righteous suffer, but He does deliver them.

God isn’t going to cure me from being Bipolar, He chose me for this. Why? I don’t know, but He will use it for a purpose. He wont give me anything that I cant handle, even when I am on the edge of looking for a firearm. He’s there. God puts us through afflictions to make us fruitful. I once figured out that everywhere I’ve been and all Ive been through has made me exactly who I am today. If I hadn’t been through so much, my personality would be different. I would be a different person.

I think we have to use our sufferings for good. We cant always see what the good will be when we are in the middle of hell, but God doesn’t give us crap for nothing. We have to figure out how to use it and take into consideration how the misery is molding us.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Zap!

I listened to a Max Lucado podcast this morning that made me think a lot, and then I listened to Jeremy Camps This Man and it struck me like never before what exactly Jesus did for us.

Can you imagine knowing your whole life the day you would die and how it would all go down. Can you imagine knowing your friends would betray you the whole time you hung out with them. Jesus knew Judas would betray him, he knew Peter would deny him, yet he loved them. Can you imagine the fear Jesus must have felt in the garden before He was arrested, yet He healed the soldier’s ear when Peter chopped it off.

Not only did Jesus go to the cross, knowing everything that would happen, He could have zapped any of his enemies. With a twitch of His nose, he couldve disintegrated the man who whipped Him, He couldve paralyzed the hands that nailed him to the cross. He couldve called angels to battle. He couldve done something! So, why didnt He? I know I would have. He couldve turned the soldiers spit to blood and killed them, He couldve risen up and shown His glory. But, he took it all. All of the pain of the whole world – he took it all on. He knew that His father would turn His face from all of the sin of the world and let Him die a horrible death. Why would a human do that? He was just as human as you or me. Why??

Ive been through some rough stuff, some of which I wont even talk about at all, and other people have been through so much worse. He took on ALL of our suffering, ALL of the pain of the world, ALL of our sins. Can you comprehend that? His father turned His head. Jesus cried, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Have you felt forsaken? I have. He felt what we feel. He took it all on. Why in the world??

He wanted to save us THAT much. He loved us all THAT much. I wouldve been zapping some asses left and right, I know that…but not Jesus. He CHOSE to die for us. He chose not to zap some asses. He chose to be betrayed, forsaken, beaten, nailed, speared, spit on, thirsty…He chose to feel all of the pain in the whole world, He chose to save us from all of our sins. Why? Love. I cant fathom it.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Trust (again)

Ever feel like your life is constantly shattered? Broken? And you cant do a thing about it? I feel that way all the time. Tonight I read something that said “You only love God as much as you trust Him, and you only trust Him as much as you love Him.” So, with my shattered life, I have to trust God to have some hefty crazy glue. That’s hard. When you've been hurt so badly by the human experience, when you don’t have any friends, the very few you have wont pick up the phone when you call, basically life sucks. I think that’s the point though. We have to trust God that what lies in the next life will be better. I hope so. Its so hard for me to trust. People aren’t truthful, people don’t care, people hurt you…but God is not like that and that’s hard to fathom because all we experience right now is earthly. God is true, real, and means what He says. He says He loves us no matter what we do; He’s always there to answer the phone when all you need is to hear a voice. I’m getting better at realizing this. My prayer life has improved. I caught myself talking to God driving home from the coffee shop tonight, and that’s how I like it. I like just talking to Him as a friend. He’s the best friend we can have. He comforts, protects, loves unconditionally….and we have to trust that. I hope one day I can completely, without any hindrance – trust…with all my heart and soul. I will pray about it tonight. I want to trust more and more so badly.

Vulnerability

I'll be honest, I've cut my meds down alittle. I cut my Lamictal to 100 instead of 200mg, I hardly ever remember to take it at night anyway, and I cut my Cymbalta from 90 to 60mg. I guess if I freak out, I will go back to the regular dosage, but at the moment I feel really good. I am still lethargic, but I have decided that is just my nature. I don't know if its stress, boredom, or what, but I am just tired all the time. I don't think it has anything to do with meds. Anyway, I thought I would throw in that update.

I tried the centering prayer last night. I tried to concentrate really hard and said "Abba" over and over again. To tell the truth, it was almost uncomfortable because I felt really vulnerable -but that's good. I felt something I haven't before. I have felt God's presence in my life, but this was a different feeling. I cant really describe it, other than a vulnerability that I think I have never given to Him before. It was scary sort of, but in a good way. I felt like my prayers where sincere and heard. I think I will try it more often. I think saying the word Abba over and over again really helped me concentrate, and as we all know, I have major difficulty with that. I really felt more of a trust with the Lord also, which was interesting. I felt like I was giving Him my whole self. Sometimes during rushed prayer, or prayer when I cant concentrate, I feel like I am holding back my deepest self. I liked the centering thing. I will defini tely try it more often, maybe with different words. It was pretty cool.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

The Fatherless

My dad is a pretty cold dude. Growing up, we didn’t communicate unless I was in trouble, which was often…or when he felt like using me as a weapon against my mom. I grew up feeling like I didn’t have a dad. My grandfather kind of took his place, but I didn’t have a dad like other people’s dads. I’d go spend the night with a friend and was awestruck that they had dads that talked to them and did stuff with them, basically I was totally in awe of normal dads. I wanted a dad like them…but it wasn’t to be.

Today I read an article on centered prayer…this guy talked about saying a word over and over until you felt the Holy Spirit. He said that sometimes he will go weeks feeling nothing, but when it happens, it brings him tears of joy. I want tears of joy! I think I will try it tonight. I read a lot about some older forms of prayer and I think its cool to pray in different ways. So tonight my word is going to be Abba.

I am choosing the word Abba because I do have a daddy that wants to be with me. God is the best father in the world. I think about how cool it would’ve been to be hugged in a normal way by my dad growing up, and I know that will never happen….but I can curl up in God’s arms.

I’m feeling really lonely tonight and I really need some comfort. Thank God I can go to Him.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Bipolar Christian

I am feeling much better than I was a week ago, I can promise you that. I am still very lethargic. I slept a lot today when I got home, but I made myself get out and go get some coffee. I read some of the Raggamuffins Gospel and the daily Bread for the Journey inspiration. It seems like God allows me to be able to read what he wants me to read.

Anyway, I read a paragraph on moods, and it said “Your moods are not your spiritual life.” I like that because I have a tough time discerning those things. If I feel down, I feel like I have gotten far from God. When I am doing fine, I feel like I can get close to Him through prayer and reading. This is stupid. God is most likely closest to us when we are down for the count, even when we struggle to wash our hair, get out of bed, brush our teeth…do the menial things in life. My spiritual life has nothing to do with my moods. I need to get this through my thick skull. I can be unable to pray and God is there listening to my body cry. I am His whether I am happy, sad, desperate, crying, laughing….I am His.

Because I am Bipolar and have such mood swings, I feel like I have an up and down relationship with God. That’s really not the case. I have an up and down relationship with my moods. God knows my weaknesses, even if I don’t know them all. He cares, He understands, and He loves me. That’s a trip to me.

Beams of Love

“We are here to learn to endure the beams of love.” – William Blake

I read that this morning and it made me think about a lot of different things. We are here to LEARN TO ENDURE love. I think it made me think of all of my trust issues the most. I have trust issues with people and with God.

I looked up the word endure in the dictionary (yes, I am a nerd). Anyway, it means to accept, sometimes with hardship. I relate to the hardship part.

Why is it so hard to accept love? I think for me, its hard to believe I deserve it from people. I don’t understand WHY someone would love me. I know there are reasons. However, I don’t deserve it from God. He knows my insides and how ugly they can be. Theres nothing I can do to earn His love. It’s a free gift. That’s hard to accept. Why, I don’t know. I read a story in the Raggamuffin’s Gospel about a kid who knocked on a friends door and when the door was opened, he asked “where are the cookies”. He wanted a free gift and accepted it without thinking. I think we have to learn to be like little kids with God.

Mat 18:1 At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" 2 And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them 3 and said, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 "Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, 6 but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

Kids accept love, from their parents and anyone else willing to hand it out. They trust. They love back. That’s what we have to do. Its hard because we grow up and realize that the world is a tough place to live. We learn about hurt. So we have to re-learn to allow ourselves to be loved. Its definitely something I need to work on.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Testimony Part 2

I wanted to start this off as Things God Has Done for Me….but there are so many things and I want to keep this kind of short so I will talk about the main thing, I guess, and probably wander off to other things as usual.

I’ve attempted suicide 4 times and I am still alive today. The Lord said that His power is at it best in weakness. (2 Cor 12:9) If you looked up weak in the dictionary, I would be the shining face smiling back at you. I am weak. I have mental issues, obviously, but I am weak in all sorts of ways. I am inadequate to save myself, I am insufficient at running my life, and have the inability to do anything about it. Inadequate, Insufficient, and Inability….those things are tough to admit. But, God knows this. God knows I am weak and His power is best in weakness. Thank God. God doesn’t care what we’ve done. Jesus’ blood paid for it all. All we have to do is accept Him and love Him back. THAT’S IT…that’s all we have to do! Its amazing to me. Theres not a thing in the world we can do to deserve it, or do to throw it away…HE LOVES US ANYWAY. All the past crap is gone.

I think another thing that really got to me is that God hung out with the rough crowd. He hung out with people of other castes – like hookers & tax collectors (which were really looked down upon in those days because they taxed what they wanted to tax and kept the rest for themselves). Anyway, to put it in perspective….To ask someone to eat with you was to ask for their friendship back in the Jesus days. If Jesus were here today in body, he would dine with the whores, the AIDS victims, the drug addicts, tattooed long haired bikers, the folks who have tried to kill themselves, you name it – the people that some of us are afraid to eat with ourselves – Jesus loved them. That means he loved all people, even the sinners. Even ME. We’ll never be perfect. God knows this. Jesus paid for our sins already.

Anyway, these are just a couple of things I came to realize early on. I know that a few of you are Christians that read this; I’d love to hear what you think, or maybe even your own story.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Testimony Part 1

I realize that testimonies are supposed to be kind of short because you don’t want to bore to death the person you are trying to tell the story to, but mine is not short. Its also not one that I would be comfortable sharing in a pulpit on a Sunday night or even with a group of people that go to my church. I feel comfortable only sharing it with people I feel like can relate in some way…some of my testimony is hard to handle.

So…here we go.

I grew up in church. My grandmother made sure I went every Sunday and my mom was the pianist at my church. I grew up knowing all of the stories, etc. that kids get from church. When I was 8 or 9, I got baptized because I felt some pressure from my family and our pastor was moving. I had really loved his family and wanted him to be the one to baptize me….so, splash, there you go.

Anyway, to try to make this short and sweet - my dad was a nutcase, my mom had an affair with the preacher who did our revival and a nasty divorce was on the horizon. Life didn’t get better, because preacher man was a psycho alcoholic and it was pretty rough.

Around 12 I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol; this lasted for a long time. I was really messed up for a while. I mainly smoked pot and dropped acid. Anyway, it was not good. I still went to church on Sunday mornings after tripping on acid on a Saturday night. I thought God had abandoned me and I was pissed as hell at him.

I met a woman around the time I was 19 or so and we began a relationship. It was great at the beginning, I thought. In fact, it was great for years. However, the drugs and alcohol put a damper on things, I was diagnosed as Bipolar, and she was an alcoholic that was very possessive of me. Basically, I started going insane.

I was looking for something I didn’t have. Something was missing. I was in despair, I was confused….and I started asking questions. I have a friend who was very supportive and even if I frustrated or confused the hell out of her, a simple answer of “I usually turn it over to God”, or explaining to me that God really really did still love me even though I had done such terrible things…it got through to me somehow.

I felt like having a same sex relationship wasn’t what God wanted for me and after a heck of a time, I left. I stepped back into a local church, which was really hard for me because I had some major issues with pastors (see the above psycho alcoholic thing), and I still was wary about letting God in. I have trust issues to say the least. I started reading my Bible (I had to dust 20 pounds of dust off of it….ok, ok, so I bought a new one)…One night I came upon this:

Have mercy on me, O God,

according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.

4 Against you, you alone, have I sinned,
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are justified in your sentence
and blameless when you pass judgment.

5 Indeed, I was born guilty,
a sinner when my mother conceived me.

6 You desire truth in the inward being;
therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.

7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.

10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and put a new and right spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me away from your presence,
and do not take your holy spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and sustain in me a willing spirit.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.

14 Deliver me from bloodshed, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your deliverance.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 For you have no delight in sacrifice;
if I were to give a burnt offering, you would not be pleased.

17 The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

That’s Psalm 51 and that’s David talking to God. David was a good old dude until he wanted this chick for himself so he had her husband killed. Not too cool. Soooo, it hit me that David, who had a guy killed so he could have his woman, could pray for forgiveness and restoration of his joy…then why cant I?? God loved David and blessed him tremendously even after the sin of all sins. I felt like I had no joy, and if God would give that back to me, then by heavens sakes I wanted him to. Like David, I wanted to be cleansed of all my mess. I wanted a pure heart and a pure mind. So I read the 51st Psalm to God, it was coming from me, not David.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Spiritual Frustration

I am frustrated with myself, not with God. I just realize how much I fail Him every day. I sat at a local coffee shop tonight with some people, one of which I know, a couple of which I don't. When I got home and pondered the whole event, it really saddened me when I realized that I can sit with strangers and exercise my potty mouth and recall old stories of when I was taking drugs...I can give my input on different types of drugs to people I don't know, but I cant have an intimate conversation with God. I'm bothered by this. My mouth has gotten out of control. What Christian talks about dropping acid with strangers? I don't know, Im not too proud of myself at the moment. I think I will write out my testimony tomorrow. It helps to see it on paper....to see where I came from, to see what happened to change me, and to realize that God hasn't wandered off, even if I have.

Praying When Depressed

This morning I read an article on Praying In Depression. Heres a link to the article: http://www.beliefnet.com/story/145/story_14508_1.html Beliefnet rocks, I recommend checking it out.

 

Anyway, here are some of the suggestions in the article, maybe I will try some of them:

 

Ideas for Praying When Depressed


St. Gregory Nazianzus wrote these words during a time when he found anxiety and depression crowding out any space for prayer in his soul:

The breath of life, O Lord, seems spent. My body is tense, my mind filled with anxiety, yet I have no zest, no energy. I am helpless to allay my fears. I am incapable of relaxing my limbs. Dark thoughts constantly invade my head . Lord, raise up my soul, revive my body.

 

If this is happening to you, try these forms of prayer and contemplative love:

1. Try to find a quiet place. Put on some soothing music. Keep it soft and gentle. Take a few deep breaths, holding each one for a few seconds and then slowly exhaling. Relax. Feel the chair you're sitting on, your feet on the floor. Smell the scents in the room. Imagine Jesus coming toward you with a smile on his face. Tell him how you are feeling right now-anxious, uncomfortable, fidgety, distracted, wanting to focus. Tell him what things are like for you today. Open your heart to him. Feel his presence very close to you. Let his love into your heart. Thank him for this gift.

 

2. Go for a walk. Take some pleasant music with you. As you go, notice the sky, feel the season. Recognize what is around you. Feel at home right now. Offer your heart to Jesus, even if your pain is deep. Though you may be alone on your walk, Jesus is in your heart. Tell him what you see ...the beauty around you. Tell him how you feel ...even if it is dark. Remember he wants you to tell him everything in your life ...joys and pains.

3. Call to mind someone else you know who is hurting or sick. Focus for a few minutes on what that person may be feeling, and on what you would like to say to him or her. Lift this person up by name to Jesus and ask his blessing on them.

4. Hold a crucifix in your hands. Close your eyes and think of Jesus in agony. Join your sufferings to his in his act of redemption.

5. If you're feeling low, go to a quiet place and hold your Bible. Read Psalm 130 or focus on a phrase of it. Embrace how you feel, even if it's uncomfortable. Know that God is loving you through these moments of darkness.

6. When you are unable to focus because your mind is racing, try to remember and pray the words, "My God, I love you." Open yourself to God's love.

7. Turn on soft music. Read this Bible verse over and over while thinking about it: "My God, my God, why have you forgotten me?" (cf. Mk 15:34). This is Jesus' own prayer of emptiness and abandonment.

8. When you pass by your local church, stop in for a few minutes. Pause and connect with the One who loves you.

9. If you cant get up, lie still and repeat the name of Jesus over, and over, and over. His love catches these words and he embraces you with love.

10. Go to Eucharistic adoration and spend some time in God's presence.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

More Fish For My Mom

Jesus Doesnt Want Me As A Sunbeam

Another day in Bipolarland. I actually finished a drawing today. It would usually take me about 20 minutes, instead it has taken me 3 days. I guess I just need to shut up and face up to the reality that life has to suck.

I read something interesting on Beliefnet today. It was talking about how your spiritual life can affect your health. My spiritual life is in the gutter right now. I feel so far away from God its not even funny. My prayer life has dwindled. I almost treat God as an answering machine. I pray for others and never for myself because I don’t feel I deserve it. I haven’t been reading my Bible. I haven’t been going to Sunday School or church services on Sunday mornings. I have been depending on Sunday night services to get me through the week, and I think that’s not enough. Its all part of having no motivation, it takes too much energy, isn’t that sad. Anyway, as I was reading I thought maybe my relationship with God does affect my health. I don’t know. I always do better when I am reading something about the Lord or digging in my Bible, but it just hasn’t happened for me lately. I don’t have the concentration required for in-depth prayer or reading. I don’t know how to fix it either. I need to read something Christian based that has really short chapters so I can concentrate through one small chapter at a time. I need to work harder when I try to pray. I swear Ive been praying like Im leaving God a message, not speaking to Him face to face. All of that depresses me. I miss feeling like I am a child of His. I feel more like an acquaintance at the moment.

Anyway, that’s my thought of the day.

Crappy Day

Ok, ok, so I�m taking my medicine (all because Maggs cussed me out, I love you Maggs!) My NP said to take my frickin medicine and that lots of bipolar people want off their meds because they miss the fun of the highs. I am really missing it right now because I feel like crap. Once again, I cant concentrate on anything and I�m really tired. My NP said I would be sluggish. No shit. Sluggish doesnt even touch how I feel right now. I cant do ANYTHING. I am restless as all hell. I want to walk around a lot, I cant sit still. Its either run around or sleep. I would prefer sleep, but I need to work because I have been a flake this week and havent done much. I took off Monday and yesterday. For everyones info, I have taken my meds since Monday. I am totally on the depressive side of things right now. I think thats one reason I want to stop my meds. They dont seem to do much for me as far as depression goes. I have taken every anti-depressant k nown to mankind and they might work for a little while, but its like they wear off or something. I dont know what the deal is, but my NP doesnt want to change anything because she likes where I am at at the moment. I wish I liked where I am at. That doesnt seem to be an option though. Damn. Does anyone have any advice as far as what you can do to increase your concentration, motivation, and creativity? Any advice on how to perk yourself up when you are lethargic? I need some sort of help here. Im not going to be compliant with my meds very long if this keeps up, even though I know I should. I wish someone would see my side of this.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

My New Self-Prescribed Meds


Tuesday, July 18, 2006

More Med Talk

I'm weaning off of this shit starting tonight. I'm going to call my NP in the morning to tell her. She probably isnt gonna like it too much, but I would rather die than be like I am right now. I think I have some depression going on, but I dont care. I guess thas how it is with depression, you just dont give a shit. Oh well.

Freedom

Don’t worry, Im not going to make a final exit or anything. I have thoughts of suicide every single day of my life and in almost 27 years I have yet to go through with it. I have no plan, I’m not planning on getting a firearm, or doing anything else stupid (or anything even more stupid than Ive already done, I guess I should say). The firearm comment was a passing thought at the time, so everyone can chill.

I am feeling blah today. Very dull, very tired, very irritable. I think I will go get a nerf ball so I can throw something thats not breakable. The doors in my house are already marked up from past throwing fits.

I feel trapped inside my body. Does that make sense? My mind is fairly active, but it wont come out. I feel like my thoughts are blocked off with some sort of barricade. Its very frustrating. I feel sort of mixed up in a helpless way. I do feel helpless and hopeless, but Im not really depressed. I am just nothing…not happy, not sad, I am fairly emotionless. I am lonely and tired and I feel like I can do nothing but sit on my couch. I dont watch tv because it takes too much energy to turn it on and look through the channels. I cant read because it doesnt appeal to me and I get bored. I usually read several books a month. Drawing isnt fun because it requires energy, motivation, and creativity – all things I do not possess at this time.

Why does it have to be this way? I guess we werent promised a fun life or anything like that, but some spark every once in a while would be nice. I just want to function like a normal person. I want to laugh and feel and do things that I enjoy. I want freedom from this cell that I feel like I am stuck in. Thats what I feel like. I feel like I am stuck in a prison cell and I am one of the most free spirited people I can think of. I cant stand to be stuck and I am stuck.

What can I do about it? Theres no one to pull my ass off the couch and MAKE me do something. That would be nice. I would probably grow quite resentful of the person, but at least I would be made to do something.

I want to write like I used to. Poetry is out of the question. I can read short stories, but thats about it. I can have a pencil and a piece of paper and instead of something jumping out at me, I see a blank sheet of paper and it just stares at me.

I want to be free damn it.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Medicine - The Other White Meat

Well, I took my meds this morning because I basically was paranoid as hell last night. If we arent already crazy, it'll sure happen trying to get meds out of your system. I swear. Anyway, I hate meds. I guess I am bound to be a boring person thats bored all the time. I hate having to depend on something for sanity. I feel like I am poisoning myself. However, its a good thing I dont own a firearm because I probably wouldve used it on myself last night. This fucking sucks.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

My new idea

is to take weekends off from meds....think that would work? I am painting like mad, but I am shaking a lot too...I will take them tonight and in the morning before I go to work.

They arent very good....


...but they keep coming out.

A couple more



Someone asked if I was manic or depressed? I would say I am a tad bit hypomanic, but so far its not a bad thing.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

What happens when I dont take my meds.....



I know, I know, I need to take my meds....but I sure am having fun. I am working on a watercolor painting too.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Havent Killed Anyone Yet

Well, I am not in jail, so I did not murder anyone, but that doesnt mean that I dont want to. I am trying to be civilized about the step-dad situation. I went to eat with them last night and I didn�t bash his head in or anything, I just didn�t speak to him unless I had to. He is going through some sort of major episode. He hasnt slept in 3 days and he was trying to convince me that the government had put cameras in the direct tv box and was monitoring everything he watches on tv. He will not go to the doctor. I tried to tell mom to take him, but she says he will fake them out and make her look like the one who is crazy and shes right. He is such a fake.

 

Anyway, I am doing alright. I am doing good at work and getting lots done. The problem comes when I get home. I get very bored and unmotivated. I don�t do much except sleep when I am home. I cant draw or play the guitar. I havent been online much and I still need to do some cleaning in my room. I need alittle mania. Its weird, I have read a few blogs that have said the same thing. Maybe its the time of the year or something.

 

I met with my school advisor yesterday and he told me the classes to take. Since I am part time I am taking 2 classes, Construction Modeling and Animation and I am taking one of my thesis classes. I have no clue what my thesis will be on, but I am supposed to select a Graduate Committee and a Graduate Chair to help me out. School starts the 23rd of August. I am worried that meds have made me dull and dumb, I hope I can hang.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Anger

I'm having a major fit of anger and I need to get it out, so you poor folks get to be the recipients.

Sorry.

Anyway, my step-dad is being a huge ass to my mom and I dont know what to do about it. My mom called me tonight and told me that he woke her up at 2 am and said all kinds of crap, she didnt tell me if he touched her. I would kill him. My whole life I have wanted to. He is a preacher and my mom said that after all of that in the middle of the night, one of the people in his congregation called and my step-dad asked him if he minded if they had a word of prayer. I SWEAR to you the man is mentally ill, but he wont do anything about it. He's one of those people that can fool the world into thinking he's this great godly man until he's behind closed doors and then he is just plain crazy.

Thats how my day is going.

I went to see my NP today. Everything went fine, no med changes. I complained about the no creaticity/motivation thing, but she said I was just bored with normal life. I am bored with normal life. It sucks.

Monday, July 10, 2006

More Relationship Stuff

First of all, I wanna say that I in no way meant that all bipolar people are violent. Hell,  remember I am bipolar too, and I dont have a violent bone in my body. I think most of us are like that, but there are the few that lose it, and you never know who those people are going to be. Thats why I dont like giving relationship advice, especially when the bipolar person HAS been violent in the past.

 

I agree that in normal, nonviolent circumstances, advice on relationships with a bipolar partner wouldnt be too much different than a relationship with someone with any other disease. BUT its not our kidneys, or liver that malfunction, its our moods and moods affect relationships. I know. My moods destroyed the best relationship Ive ever had.

 

Living with someone who is bipolar is work sometimes. You have to be strong. You have to be understanding, patient, and be up to speed on the disease. You need to be supportive, go to lots of doctor visits, etc. I guess if I were considering being in a relationship with someone with this disease (assuming I myself was not bipolar), I would have to have some ground rules about meds. I know a lot of people dont like that. Some guy went on a rant here about people demanding that their partner take meds, but I know how I am without meds. I have lived it and my life was destroyed until I got the right cocktail.

 

Anyway, none of that probably made sense and I am probably digging myself a deeper hole.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Bipolar Relationships and Stuff

Sometimes my moods confuse the hell out of me, they seem so random. I am feeling well today, just tired....BUT Ive gotten a lot of my house clean and thats a big deal. I need to clean my office, my room and my music room so I have a long ways to go, but Ive been on a cleaning frenzy. This is good.

What advice would you guys give someone in a relationship with someone thats bipolar? Especially someone whos just been diagnosed and is just starting meds? I was in a way asked this and I dont really know what to say other than make sure they take their meds and its going to be a long road to get the right ones. If someone thats bipolar has been violent in the past, its almost sure to happen again without meds. I know I couldnt live with myself without meds!

I watched this terrible show about this man that was bipolar, he had just been diagnosed in the hospital, but checked himself out after 3 days and did not take meds. After a few days at home, he shot his wife and turned the gun on his sons. His oldest son had to shoot and kill him....after watching his mother die. HOW AWFUL! Thats why I hate giving relationship advice for bipolar folks, theres so many variables and varying degrees of the disease.

I know some of you guys have input.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Perked Up

I feel alittle better today. I swear I went and got a mocha from Javawerks yesterday and it made me feel better. I think I'll get another this afternoon.

Last night I watched Click with my friend Dean and his wife. It was pretty good. I like every Adam Sandler movie ever though. We went out to eat too, and although I have no money now, it was good to get out and do something. I'm sure that helped my mood too.

This morning I have been cleaning alittle bit which is amazing. My house is horrid. I guess I will go get an iced mocha and finish my house.

Friday, July 07, 2006

No Motivation

Well, my brothers headlights in his truck went out last night, so he didnt make it to my house. It was a bummer and I had nothing else to do. I did draw a tiny bit, but quickly got bored with it and quit. I wish I could sit down for hours like I used to. Drawing always helped my mood, but I just cant do it these days.

 

I am very busy at work, so I have actually made it all day for quite a while. I left alittle early yesterday because I thought my brother was coming down, but I dont count that as vacation time since I worked on the 4th and was able to take a few minutes of holiday time. I am doing well as far as work is concerned. No raise for me though, apparently we dont have the money to do it right now, but I was told that they would try again in a few months. Bummer. I was really bummed out about it yesterday, but somehow I expected it not to happen, so I wasnt that upset.

 

I am still very lethargic. I really dont want to do anything but sleep. I havent even played my new guitar since Tuesday. I think I will play it this afternoon. I found a bunch of Blue October tab so I am looking forward to learning some new songs. Maybe that will give me some incentive to actually do something today. I have no other plans, as usual.

 

Ever feel like your life is going nowhere? Maybe I will have some sort of motivation once school starts. I hope so. My motivation, concentration, and every other �tion is not really in the positive right now. I just dont do anything and it bothers me, obviously. I go to see my NP this month, so maybe she will have some incite as to why I feel like a knot on a log. I am not too sure there is much that can be done about it. Theres always the scare of going into manic mode if something is adjusted too much. I am wishing for a little bit of mania though. I would give up the knot on the log status for a bit of creativity and motivation even if it means being irritable. My vistaril would help me sleep.

 

Anyway, on with the day.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Tired and Babbling

To say that I am lethargic would be the understatement of the year. I slept all day yesterday after work and all night. I woke up once to talk on the computer for a while and I woke up at about 9 to let my dog in. I could continue to sleep all day, I think.

 

I dont have much new to report. I am still pretty down for the count. I dont know what the deal is.

 

My brother is coming down tonight to play with the new guitar software I got. That should be cool, I havent even messed with the software much, but I think you have to have a midi input and I dont have one, so I have no idea if it will work. We shall see.

 

I have been meaning to draw for the last couple of days, but I havent had the energy. I bought some new paper and some pens. I have never done pen and ink, so it should be interesting. Since my creative bones have been broken by meds, I havent been able to come up with much to draw. Ive been looking at magazines for ideas, but nothing has sparked anything in my brain. That sucks about meds. I am a fairly creative person and it just hasnt been happening for me for months now. Its quite frustrating. My NP says that since the creativity part has slowed down, the analytical part of my brain should perk up, but Ive never had much of an analytical part, even without meds. AND, I don�t really care about the analytical part. My work requires creativity and so do my hobbies. Oh well, its part of the price we pay to be sane I suppose.

 

What is sanity though? I may not be at the point where I think I can fly and that theres another dimension to the world that only I know about, but I am drowning here. I dont feel like I am in the sane department at the moment. I am too down and out to be completely sane. I guess sanity is knowing right from wrong, real from imaginary. If that�s the case, I guess I am sane, but who knows. Who gets to make the sane rules? Can a bipolar person be sane and feel good? Or do you have to give up any vitality of life that you ever had? I dont know. I am just rambling I guess. I just wish I felt good.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

More Whining

Ah, another day. I must say that hanging out with my family yesterday was fun. We played guitars and had hamburgers and hotdogs and all of that good stuff. It was good to have a day to kind of chill. I worked part of the day, but I took off around lunchtime, so it didn�t seem like I worked all that much. I did get a lot done though. I am working on a virtual tour. I like doing that, so work isn�t much work, its more fun than anything else.

 

I took a Vistaril to sleep last night and I feel hungover. My day is not going very well. Its going to be a long couple of months, long story as to why. I am not sure why Ive been so down, I feel myself slipping farther and farther down the spiral. I thought that if I slept last night I would feel better today, but that hasnt been the case. I feel heavy or something. I dont know how else to explain it. I just want to lie down and be by myself in a cold room with lots of covers to hide under. I wish I felt all cheery and wonderful. I usually feel better in the summer than I do in the winter, but this year I think they have been about the same � crappy. I guess that says that my mood stabilizer is working, but I wish my mood was better. I feel stuck at a 3.7 when I�d like to be stuck at at least a 5.5 on the Bipolar Richter Scale (which I make up whenever I feel like it).

 

I really have no plans for the rest of the week. I got some new guitar software and my brother may come down and stay Thursday night to play with it, but Im not sure yet. I need to clean up my house. Its still in depressive mode, and since I feel this cloud like thing that means my depression will get worse, I need to clean to prepare ahead. If not, I will be living in a trash heap.

 

I put new pictures on my myspace page if anyone wants to go look its at www.myspace.com/sunraven0.

 

I hope this day goes quickly. Arggghhh.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Another Day

Im still stuck in the rut of loserdom and irritability. Whats new? Man, it sucks to be down. Lonliness is killing me. I just want someone to hang out with. My ex-boyfriend, D, calls just about every day, but I dont want to get back into that. I would just call him, get laid, and feel bad about it. Not what I want to do. I dont know what I want to do. Hopefully when school starts I will meet some new people. Thats my only hope. Homework will keep me busy too, so I wont think about being lonely as much.

 

Today, guess what I am doing�.I�m hanging out with my brother. We are cooking out for the 4th. I am working until noon to try to save up some holiday time since I never have any time whatsoever. I am going to my grandparents with my bro and my uncle and we�re going to eat and play guitars. Thats always fun. I love my family to death, but I wish I had other people to hang out with.

 

Oh well, another bipolar day.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Sad

I'm lonely. I have no friends to do anything with so I am sitting on my ass staring at this machine....which is all I do other than hang out with my brother. I am such a loser.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

New Guitar


Sunday Morning Randomness

Its Sunday and I just cant get myself motivated to go to morning service at church. We have an interim pastor that just doesnt do it for me. He’s an old dude and I just cant get into his sermons. I haven’t been in the morning in forever. I feel like Im a backslider as my brother says.

Im feeling really blah lately. Not really bad, Im not thinking of jumping off a water rower or anything….I just don’t feel right. (Which makes me remember that I need to take my meds). Im going to my grandmothers for lunch maybe that will perk me up. Im going to take my guitar.

My brother was talking about my bipolarness the other day. He said what if you bipolar folks are normal and everyone else is crazy. I like that. So maybe I am normal. What if that were true. Maybe hearing things and seeing things and being manic and depressed is normal and the flip side isn’t right. Hey, we’re never boring, at least I can say that. Life is a rollercoaster no doubt.

I find out Monday if I get a raise at work, so everyone keep me in your prayers. I need it bigtime.

Im a bit all over the place this morning aren’t I?