Using Our Hardships
First of all, I want to assure you all that I am not manic. It really is strange to me how I can talk about blowing my brains out and no one says anything, but when I talk about Jesus, I “scare” some people. I feel fine, not too up, not too down. I think I am doing better since I decreased my anti-D and my mood stabilizer. The less drugs the better in my opinion. I’m doing well, and I feel like I am getting back on the right track. Anyway, on to what I want to say…
I hate being Bipolar. Sometimes I wonder why God chose me to give this to. Ups and downs and meds and freak outs. It sucks, bigtime and its something I will deal with forever.
I guess my afflictions aren’t as bad as Paul’s were….Ive never been in jail for no reason (well, Ive never been in jail at all), Ive never been stoned, or had to swim for my life after my boat sank. So I have it pretty good. Paul was chosen by God to spread the gospel, yet He allowed him to have many afflictions. I don’t get it.
"Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all" (Psalm 34:19)
Paul was cool with being afflicted by crappiness. He saw it as a blessing. Paul counted himself lucky to be worthy of suffering for Christ’s sake. He felt like he was in training. He became a veteran of knowing God’s faithfulness because he needed Him so much. God used Paul’s afflictions for a purpose. He showed us that even the righteous suffer, but He does deliver them.
God isn’t going to cure me from being Bipolar, He chose me for this. Why? I don’t know, but He will use it for a purpose. He wont give me anything that I cant handle, even when I am on the edge of looking for a firearm. He’s there. God puts us through afflictions to make us fruitful. I once figured out that everywhere I’ve been and all Ive been through has made me exactly who I am today. If I hadn’t been through so much, my personality would be different. I would be a different person.
I think we have to use our sufferings for good. We cant always see what the good will be when we are in the middle of hell, but God doesn’t give us crap for nothing. We have to figure out how to use it and take into consideration how the misery is molding us.
posted by Jil at 6:48 AM
3 Comments:
Jil, you are such an encouragement to me. I know God led me to your blog for a reason. I have struggled so much with my Christian walk, it seems even more so since the official diagnosis of bipolar disorder came. I've been searching for the meaning, the whys and the what fors. But I just have to keep believing, ya know? Believing that God knows what He's doing with me and through me. I don't have to like it. I don't have to understand it. I just have to BELIEVE it will all come together for His good in the end. That belief goes beyond any mood or emotion, and it gets me through to the next day.
I'm praying for you. It's wonderful to be able to look in on the work that God is doing in someone else's life. Maybe sometimes it won't be so clear to you, like when you're down, when you've lost your way. But I want you to know that I do see that He is using you. Thank you for being a vessel for Him.
7:51 AM
Well, I am certainly thrilled at the news that you carry no criminal record/jail time baggage with you!!! Now, on to more pressing dialogue...
When I think of Paul and his afflictions and troubles, the phrase, "whatever it takes to get the message out there" comes to mind. For reasons not known or even imagined by us, the ingredients that made up Paul's temperment and personality included this series of troubles. Maybe it was b/c he started out above most Jews...(a bi-polarity of his spiritual experience, perhaps?) He went from one extreme (social, religious, career prominence) to the other (hardships, prison, thorn in the flesh). Maybe this vast swing from one extreme to the other ensured that his message would cover twice the ground in half the time.
Take yourself and your blog, for example. If you were not bipolar, you would not have this additional venue by which you could touch others. Who knows? Maybe one of the reasons why you were born has to do with one single person that your blog is going to or has already reached?
Maybe without your bipolarity, your art, your writings, your music, and your creativity would not have developed and maybe it is thru those gifts that you will fulfill the purposes for your life.
Which brings me to something you might have already discussed, but do you think people are born bipolar, or does it just develop based on certain factors, like genetic ones, or trauma, or chemical imbalances, or environmental causes?
Question 2: sometimes I think every single person has some degree of bipolarity in them. Do you think so, or has any of your reading and research indicated anything to support this?
Question 3: do you think the tendency for bipolarity is an inherited one? Do you think anybody else in your immediate family has it?
And finally, I don't see you as being manic b/c you write about your relationship to Christ. I think that you get really absorbed by what interests you and like to hammer it out by being a "wordist" (as well as an artist!) Right now you are in the midst of a mental "housecleaning" and you are excited about getting loose ends tied up and getting your stuff straightened out after a long lapse of neglect. This is just what you do and how you do it.
I like seeing the way you pull stuff together so you can get your ducks in a row once again.
8:07 AM
I'm glad you see the good in everything. However, I don't think God chose to give you bipolar disorder. He doesn't choose little children and give them cancer. That's just life, and we choose God to put our faith in. Bad things happen to good people, not by God's choice. If anything, by the devil's choice. I think being bipolar makes us stronger and gives us empathy for others who have mental illnesses, and other sicknesses as well?
6:00 PM
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