Testimony Part 1

I realize that testimonies are supposed to be kind of short because you don’t want to bore to death the person you are trying to tell the story to, but mine is not short. Its also not one that I would be comfortable sharing in a pulpit on a Sunday night or even with a group of people that go to my church. I feel comfortable only sharing it with people I feel like can relate in some way…some of my testimony is hard to handle.

So…here we go.

I grew up in church. My grandmother made sure I went every Sunday and my mom was the pianist at my church. I grew up knowing all of the stories, etc. that kids get from church. When I was 8 or 9, I got baptized because I felt some pressure from my family and our pastor was moving. I had really loved his family and wanted him to be the one to baptize me….so, splash, there you go.

Anyway, to try to make this short and sweet - my dad was a nutcase, my mom had an affair with the preacher who did our revival and a nasty divorce was on the horizon. Life didn’t get better, because preacher man was a psycho alcoholic and it was pretty rough.

Around 12 I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol; this lasted for a long time. I was really messed up for a while. I mainly smoked pot and dropped acid. Anyway, it was not good. I still went to church on Sunday mornings after tripping on acid on a Saturday night. I thought God had abandoned me and I was pissed as hell at him.

I met a woman around the time I was 19 or so and we began a relationship. It was great at the beginning, I thought. In fact, it was great for years. However, the drugs and alcohol put a damper on things, I was diagnosed as Bipolar, and she was an alcoholic that was very possessive of me. Basically, I started going insane.

I was looking for something I didn’t have. Something was missing. I was in despair, I was confused….and I started asking questions. I have a friend who was very supportive and even if I frustrated or confused the hell out of her, a simple answer of “I usually turn it over to God”, or explaining to me that God really really did still love me even though I had done such terrible things…it got through to me somehow.

I felt like having a same sex relationship wasn’t what God wanted for me and after a heck of a time, I left. I stepped back into a local church, which was really hard for me because I had some major issues with pastors (see the above psycho alcoholic thing), and I still was wary about letting God in. I have trust issues to say the least. I started reading my Bible (I had to dust 20 pounds of dust off of it….ok, ok, so I bought a new one)…One night I came upon this:

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.

4 Against you, you alone, have I sinned,
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are justified in your sentence
and blameless when you pass judgment.

5 Indeed, I was born guilty,
a sinner when my mother conceived me.

6 You desire truth in the inward being;
therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.

7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.

10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and put a new and right spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me away from your presence,
and do not take your holy spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and sustain in me a willing spirit.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.

14 Deliver me from bloodshed, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your deliverance.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 For you have no delight in sacrifice;
if I were to give a burnt offering, you would not be pleased.

17 The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

That’s Psalm 51 and that’s David talking to God. David was a good old dude until he wanted this chick for himself so he had her husband killed. Not too cool. Soooo, it hit me that David, who had a guy killed so he could have his woman, could pray for forgiveness and restoration of his joy…then why cant I?? God loved David and blessed him tremendously even after the sin of all sins. I felt like I had no joy, and if God would give that back to me, then by heavens sakes I wanted him to. Like David, I wanted to be cleansed of all my mess. I wanted a pure heart and a pure mind. So I read the 51st Psalm to God, it was coming from me, not David.