Freedom

Don’t worry, Im not going to make a final exit or anything. I have thoughts of suicide every single day of my life and in almost 27 years I have yet to go through with it. I have no plan, I’m not planning on getting a firearm, or doing anything else stupid (or anything even more stupid than Ive already done, I guess I should say). The firearm comment was a passing thought at the time, so everyone can chill.

I am feeling blah today. Very dull, very tired, very irritable. I think I will go get a nerf ball so I can throw something thats not breakable. The doors in my house are already marked up from past throwing fits.

I feel trapped inside my body. Does that make sense? My mind is fairly active, but it wont come out. I feel like my thoughts are blocked off with some sort of barricade. Its very frustrating. I feel sort of mixed up in a helpless way. I do feel helpless and hopeless, but Im not really depressed. I am just nothing…not happy, not sad, I am fairly emotionless. I am lonely and tired and I feel like I can do nothing but sit on my couch. I dont watch tv because it takes too much energy to turn it on and look through the channels. I cant read because it doesnt appeal to me and I get bored. I usually read several books a month. Drawing isnt fun because it requires energy, motivation, and creativity – all things I do not possess at this time.

Why does it have to be this way? I guess we werent promised a fun life or anything like that, but some spark every once in a while would be nice. I just want to function like a normal person. I want to laugh and feel and do things that I enjoy. I want freedom from this cell that I feel like I am stuck in. Thats what I feel like. I feel like I am stuck in a prison cell and I am one of the most free spirited people I can think of. I cant stand to be stuck and I am stuck.

What can I do about it? Theres no one to pull my ass off the couch and MAKE me do something. That would be nice. I would probably grow quite resentful of the person, but at least I would be made to do something.

I want to write like I used to. Poetry is out of the question. I can read short stories, but thats about it. I can have a pencil and a piece of paper and instead of something jumping out at me, I see a blank sheet of paper and it just stares at me.

I want to be free damn it.