Spiritual Frustration
I am frustrated with myself, not with God. I just realize how much I fail Him every day. I sat at a local coffee shop tonight with some people, one of which I know, a couple of which I don't. When I got home and pondered the whole event, it really saddened me when I realized that I can sit with strangers and exercise my potty mouth and recall old stories of when I was taking drugs...I can give my input on different types of drugs to people I don't know, but I cant have an intimate conversation with God. I'm bothered by this. My mouth has gotten out of control. What Christian talks about dropping acid with strangers? I don't know, Im not too proud of myself at the moment. I think I will write out my testimony tomorrow. It helps to see it on paper....to see where I came from, to see what happened to change me, and to realize that God hasn't wandered off, even if I have.
posted by Jil at 8:40 PM
2 Comments:
Good idea---will you post it, or will it be a private writing? You will be surprised at what you discover.
I think it is easier to talk about "being bad" b/c most people expect that, but hardly anyone expects somebody to "be good" anymore. Plus we don't want anyone to think that we consider ourselves to be morally superior.
Moral and spiritual flaws seem a matter of course for many. That's why it's big news when somebody finds a purse with money in it and returns it without accepting a reward--good behavior is no longer the rule for many; rather, it is the exception. I'm not saying this is RIGHT; I am just saying that it's oftentimes just the way our society is. Maybe we feel we have more in common with those who are less spiritually oriented than those who lean toward a definite spiritual closeness with God. I don't know. I do know that in the course of general conversation, if a reference to God or Christian thought is brought up, many people are pleasantly surprised, but bad language won't even raise an eyebrow anymore.
What is really amazing to me is how kids today use the F word as an adjective, in front of parents, at school, in papers, etc. and don't even think a thing about it. I asked one why he thought a word normally used as a slang term for sex had now made its way into adjective form (the sentence was, "My econ test was f-ing impossible."), and he said he had never really thought about it, since intimate physical relationships should be thought of on a much higher plane than economics, but his reasoning was that the f word was just another word used to describe a "shitty meltdown" and nobody thinks a thing about it anymore in our culture.
How far we have come from "A Christmas Story" where Ralphie accidently utters "the Queen Mother of all cuss words" and it is a major big deal!
I think it is just too easy to slip into the verbal trappings of what is constantly around us. Again, I didn't say it was right; I just said it was easy. I do it all the time. Thanks for the wake up call...
5:31 AM
I am spiritually frustrated right now too. It is very hard to talk to God when it feels like this. It's easier to fill up our time with things that are "bad" because to fill our lives with good holy things requires a change. A change of heart, a change of direction, a change of action. And that is very very hard because it goes against our sinful nature. There are so many things I don't understand. I have felt so close to God, and then I fall away and feel so far away that I can never get back. I know I can't trust my feelings. God is not about feelings. He's about unconditional love. He doesn't turn His back on us when we stray but He does allow us to make choices. And He forgives us when we admit that we made wrong choices. I'm always making the mistake of trying to earn God's love. It can't be done. I can't earn it and I can't lose it.
One of my favorite psalms that helps me when I feel so far away from God is Psalm 139. Read it and ask Him to show you the way.
1:35 PM
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