Jesus Doesnt Want Me As A Sunbeam
Another day in Bipolarland. I actually finished a drawing today. It would usually take me about 20 minutes, instead it has taken me 3 days. I guess I just need to shut up and face up to the reality that life has to suck.
I read something interesting on Beliefnet today. It was talking about how your spiritual life can affect your health. My spiritual life is in the gutter right now. I feel so far away from God its not even funny. My prayer life has dwindled. I almost treat God as an answering machine. I pray for others and never for myself because I don’t feel I deserve it. I haven’t been reading my Bible. I haven’t been going to Sunday School or church services on Sunday mornings. I have been depending on Sunday night services to get me through the week, and I think that’s not enough. Its all part of having no motivation, it takes too much energy, isn’t that sad. Anyway, as I was reading I thought maybe my relationship with God does affect my health. I don’t know. I always do better when I am reading something about the Lord or digging in my Bible, but it just hasn’t happened for me lately. I don’t have the concentration required for in-depth prayer or reading. I don’t know how to fix it either. I need to read something Christian based that has really short chapters so I can concentrate through one small chapter at a time. I need to work harder when I try to pray. I swear Ive been praying like Im leaving God a message, not speaking to Him face to face. All of that depresses me. I miss feeling like I am a child of His. I feel more like an acquaintance at the moment.
Anyway, that’s my thought of the day.
posted by Jil at 6:27 PM
2 Comments:
But life won't suck forever...it'll level off when the meds get right and kick in.
I'm glad you read Beliefnet...it has lots of helpful info on it.
I understand what you mean about your prayer life sucking it up. The thing that gives me hope when I am on the spiritual downside is knowing that God has already been to tomorrow and the tomorrow after that; nothing surprises Him--He knows how you are made and what makes you tick. He knows you are struggling right now.
Prayer isn't and doesn't have to be hard work...it's just an ongoing dialogue and you pick up where you left off. (get out your Anne Lamott books!)I will start strong praying sometimes, then trail off before I reach the end of my thoughts, but that's OK. God knows the ins and outs of my thought patterns and how life's intrusions can derail my train of thought in a moment's notice. If your life isn't as structured right now due to the bipolarness and medicine fiasco, then your prayer life won't be as structured, either. And God GETS this...maybe all you can pray right now is for your head to get straight, your thoughts to get focused and your meds to kick in and give you some balance.
You haven't stopped being His child; you are just going thru a rough patch and can't communicate with Him as articulately as usual. You are asking for what you need in order to get back to where you were. The rest will come back to you later.
Try just sitting tight and letting Him communicate with YOU for a while. Lots of times I won't hear the still, small voice, but He reassures me in a friend's voice, when I am watching people interact, hearing a song, taking a walk, watching the dog or cat and how they love me, etc. You will see Him in a thousand different places and ways. Let your heart rest in that. Just because you are restless, doesn't mean that He is. If you can't pray verbally or mentally, that doesn't mean that your spirit isn't crying out to Him in words that you don't have right now. You may feel far away from Him, but He hasn't gone anywhere. He knows and He loves you as much as He always has.
Finally, get you a short devotional book. Try Bread for the Journey by Henri Nouwen. It is easy to read--you will like it.
Keep your chin up. This too will pass.
7:30 PM
Misha wrote a similar blog, Jil... i posted a comment- you should take a look at that...
10:03 PM
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