My Parade Has Been Rained Upon
I had a good day at work today. I got my little video finished – minus the cool crap I did to it. I have to admit it probably was a bit distracting the way I had it…oh well.
Anyway, I had a major cool thing happen at work today and I was all excited about it. My grandmother called and I was excited to tell her about it….and she did think it was cool…but then she wanted me to help my brother pay his rent. I don’t have any money! I had a bit of a breakdown about it. She said “I thought you’d be able to help your brother while he’s in school since you are working, but it seems that you can barely take care of yourself.” No kidding!!
I wish I could help my brother. I wish I was rich. But – my brother is 21 years old…why hasn’t he been working to pay his rent?
I moved out of our house when I was 14 years old. I ALWAYS felt guilty for leaving my brother. He had some heart trouble after I left and I thought it was all my fault. I had been his protector. I made him take baths (he never wanted to take a bath…ever…for a long time). I made him brush his teeth. I fixed his hair. I dressed him (ninja turtle t-shirts, shorts, and cowboy boots is all he would wear for a long time). I made us potatoes to eat (every frickin day for like 2 years..you’d think I would’ve learned how to make something else). He’s always been mine. He will always be mine in many ways. I love my brother more than anything in this world. It killed me to leave him. I felt selfish. I still feel selfish. I still feel guilty, although he’s been big enough to fend for himself for a very long time. I feel guilty that I had been there for him for so long and then I moved…I don’t know what he did on those nights that he needed someone to be there. My grandparents and my aunt & uncle wanted me to adopt him when I turned 18…but when I was 18 I was a freaked out dope fiend. I feel like I owe him….because I left him.
I HATE that I cant help him now.
….and it PISSES me off that my grandmother plays on that. She knows what buttons to push to make me feel shitty. I love her to death…my grandparents have been the only stable thing in my life….but when my grandmother is having a bad day – she wants everyone else to have a bad day with her. UUUUGGGGHHHH!!*!&)*&#!!
I hate to make this a “poor me” thing…but damn…
He’ll be ok…I keep telling myself that….
It’s not my responsibility…I keep telling myself that too…
But I hate this.
posted by Jil at 10:44 PM
2 Comments:
Jil: This is just an observation here, but don't you think if your brother REALLY needed your help, HE would have been the one to have asked you for it, and not your grandmother? I think your relationship is strong enough to where he would come to you in a heartbeat if he were in trouble. Maybe your grandmother just wants to satisfy herself that YOU are doing OK financially (and doing all the right things like saving money and taking care of "grown up" matters) and instead of just coming out and asking you about your monetary situation, she was just testing the waters without giving the appearance of prying into your business.
Also, about this overwhelming sense of guilt you feel at leaving him, have you ever considered that had you stayed, it might have had some negative repercussions on his development? Sometimes when you can't keep your head above water yourself, how can you save somebody else? Both of you could have drowned together. Instead you went away and got stronger, and now you are back and coping with life. Plus your absence probably let him stand on his own two feet for a while. I know it is difficult to absolve yourself from the "disquietness" you are feeling, but please consider the fact that it was brought on by an extrinsic source...and truly, if your brother was in dire straits I believe your grandmother would step in and help him. I don't believe that your grandmother is completely aware of your struggles of late; if she were, she wouldn't be dumping stuff like this on you. Don't forget that she is older and folks that age just do not think as clearly about the impact of their words as they should.
When I am put into one of these situations where I am expected to do something or am reminded that maybe in the past I didn't do enough, I realize the only way to deal with it is to offer it up to God and ask Him to make things right because I am overwhelmed with it all.
There is a prayer that really struck a chord within me and I pray it often:
God, my mistakes are too real to hide, too heavy to carry, too deep to undo. Take away this feeling of guilt and sadness over what my lips tremble to name and what my heart can no longer bear and for what has become for me a consuming feeling of judgement. SET ME FREE FROM A PAST I CANNOT CHANGE AND OPEN ME TO A FUTURE IN WHICH I CAN BE CHANGED.
I hope this helps. I think what you have done is remarkable.
4:57 AM
Another good book to read is Boundaries. I realized after years of allowing myself to be the victim of guilt trips that I was allowed to be happy, allowed to make choices that were to my benefit and nobody elses. That is a hard thing to learn when you spend your life trying to protect (especially) the most important relationships to you and bend over backwards and give and give to your own detriment just to receive confirmation that the relationship is intact.
Relish in your own accomplishments! You have managed to fend for yourself for years and are independent and mature for it. Don't allow a guilt trip from someone else (or even your own guilt for that matter) make you make a decision that likely wouldn't be to his benefit anyway. At 21 he needs to be taking care of himself. You can be there to support him in other ways.
7:59 AM
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