My Parade Has Been Rained Upon
I had a good day at work today. I got my little video finished – minus the cool crap I did to it. I have to admit it probably was a bit distracting the way I had it…oh well.
Anyway, I had a major cool thing happen at work today and I was all excited about it. My grandmother called and I was excited to tell her about it….and she did think it was cool…but then she wanted me to help my brother pay his rent. I don’t have any money! I had a bit of a breakdown about it. She said “I thought you’d be able to help your brother while he’s in school since you are working, but it seems that you can barely take care of yourself.” No kidding!!
I wish I could help my brother. I wish I was rich. But – my brother is 21 years old…why hasn’t he been working to pay his rent?
I moved out of our house when I was 14 years old. I ALWAYS felt guilty for leaving my brother. He had some heart trouble after I left and I thought it was all my fault. I had been his protector. I made him take baths (he never wanted to take a bath…ever…for a long time). I made him brush his teeth. I fixed his hair. I dressed him (ninja turtle t-shirts, shorts, and cowboy boots is all he would wear for a long time). I made us potatoes to eat (every frickin day for like 2 years..you’d think I would’ve learned how to make something else). He’s always been mine. He will always be mine in many ways. I love my brother more than anything in this world. It killed me to leave him. I felt selfish. I still feel selfish. I still feel guilty, although he’s been big enough to fend for himself for a very long time. I feel guilty that I had been there for him for so long and then I moved…I don’t know what he did on those nights that he needed someone to be there. My grandparents and my aunt & uncle wanted me to adopt him when I turned 18…but when I was 18 I was a freaked out dope fiend. I feel like I owe him….because I left him.
I HATE that I cant help him now.
….and it PISSES me off that my grandmother plays on that. She knows what buttons to push to make me feel shitty. I love her to death…my grandparents have been the only stable thing in my life….but when my grandmother is having a bad day – she wants everyone else to have a bad day with her. UUUUGGGGHHHH!!*!&)*&#!!
I hate to make this a “poor me” thing…but damn…
He’ll be ok…I keep telling myself that….
It’s not my responsibility…I keep telling myself that too…
But I hate this.
posted by Jil at 10:44 PM
4 Comments:
Hi Jill,
First Jill, slow down, deep breaths.. baby steps, whatever works for you.
Second you understand that these buttons are being pushed and not really because of you but because she is having a bad day. I am not perfect as a parent but understand that since you realize this about her you have to find a way to ignore her button pushing. I understand your grand parents being your stable relationship. I too had that with my grandparents but by the age of 18 they both had passed. So you are lucky to stioll have them. But as an adult you also must ask that they respect you as a functioning adult even when you breakdown. You are trying, which is more than some. You are working, growing, and doing what you can for now. To expect more is on them and you have to let them own that, not you own it. It is their trauma light in the darkness, you have your own demons to fight off.
I guess I am saying, keep telling yourself that you are doing what you can and do not allow their feelings to become yours.
There is a book called, "The Four Agreements". In it there is four things one should do to remain true to themselves.
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you wonít be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
I hope this helps,
soft love,
T
12:18 AM
Jil: This is just an observation here, but don't you think if your brother REALLY needed your help, HE would have been the one to have asked you for it, and not your grandmother? I think your relationship is strong enough to where he would come to you in a heartbeat if he were in trouble. Maybe your grandmother just wants to satisfy herself that YOU are doing OK financially (and doing all the right things like saving money and taking care of "grown up" matters) and instead of just coming out and asking you about your monetary situation, she was just testing the waters without giving the appearance of prying into your business.
Also, about this overwhelming sense of guilt you feel at leaving him, have you ever considered that had you stayed, it might have had some negative repercussions on his development? Sometimes when you can't keep your head above water yourself, how can you save somebody else? Both of you could have drowned together. Instead you went away and got stronger, and now you are back and coping with life. Plus your absence probably let him stand on his own two feet for a while. I know it is difficult to absolve yourself from the "disquietness" you are feeling, but please consider the fact that it was brought on by an extrinsic source...and truly, if your brother was in dire straits I believe your grandmother would step in and help him. I don't believe that your grandmother is completely aware of your struggles of late; if she were, she wouldn't be dumping stuff like this on you. Don't forget that she is older and folks that age just do not think as clearly about the impact of their words as they should.
When I am put into one of these situations where I am expected to do something or am reminded that maybe in the past I didn't do enough, I realize the only way to deal with it is to offer it up to God and ask Him to make things right because I am overwhelmed with it all.
There is a prayer that really struck a chord within me and I pray it often:
God, my mistakes are too real to hide, too heavy to carry, too deep to undo. Take away this feeling of guilt and sadness over what my lips tremble to name and what my heart can no longer bear and for what has become for me a consuming feeling of judgement. SET ME FREE FROM A PAST I CANNOT CHANGE AND OPEN ME TO A FUTURE IN WHICH I CAN BE CHANGED.
I hope this helps. I think what you have done is remarkable.
4:57 AM
Another good book to read is Boundaries. I realized after years of allowing myself to be the victim of guilt trips that I was allowed to be happy, allowed to make choices that were to my benefit and nobody elses. That is a hard thing to learn when you spend your life trying to protect (especially) the most important relationships to you and bend over backwards and give and give to your own detriment just to receive confirmation that the relationship is intact.
Relish in your own accomplishments! You have managed to fend for yourself for years and are independent and mature for it. Don't allow a guilt trip from someone else (or even your own guilt for that matter) make you make a decision that likely wouldn't be to his benefit anyway. At 21 he needs to be taking care of himself. You can be there to support him in other ways.
7:59 AM
Amazing how well our loved ones can manipulate our emotions. Shame on your grandmother. Don't feel guilty. He is an adult.
Does your grandmother feel guilty for raining on your parade of good news? Hmmm?
8:33 PM
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