Too Much Thought for One Night

I’ve been thinking a lot tonight…its been an interesting evening. We are all just an anthology of our own personal experiences. We are who we are because of the things we’ve been through, the lessons we’ve learned the hard way, the people who have hurt us, the people we have hurt…. We grow from experience every day…whether we know it or not…whether we want to or not.

I had a remarkable realization tonight – I finally know who I am…or at least I have a clue. This hasn’t dawned on me until tonight. I’ve struggled my whole life to have some idea who the person I stare at in the mirror in the morning really is….what makes me happy…what I really want - in relationships, out of life…..exactly what my requirements are...for myself...for relationships... I think I finally have an idea. With that realization comes the heartbreak that those needs may never be met. It’s a hell of a disappointment, but I guess I can also look at it as some kind of purpose, something to try to achieve…and I haven’t had that up until recently.

Tonight was a disappointment in itself….realizing that a lot of other people don’t know who they are either. I think when you are searching for yourself, you tend to think that everyone else has this crystal clear image in their mind of their own self…wants…needs.

I had a moment tonight where I actually knew some of my personal strengths…what I have to give…what makes me who I am…and that who I am sometimes isn’t so bad.

I was having a conversation with someone and I think the frustration came when I expected the other person to know what it would take to make them happy…and they didn’t have a clue. Don’t get me wrong – I have periods of thinking that nothing in the world can make me happy (just see recent previous posts), but I have an idea…as fantastical as it may be…of what I want out of life…and the other person just wasn’t there yet. I don’t think I am any better than that person, but its hard to be in a relationship when you are at that point and they aren’t.

That sucks.

I’m 25 years old (26 in 19 days), but I have some interesting experiences…a lot of them I wish I didn’t have. Its hard to find people my age that can relate….EXTREMELY HARD…and that sucks….bigtime. I’m not sure if its really a maturity thing… I hate when people try to use the “I’m immature” card to excuse the fact that they don’t want to face up to where they are in life and take responsibility for themselves. It pisses me off actually.

I don’t know what the point of all of this is really…other than I guess the only thing really good about tonight was when it hit me that I’ve grown from where I know I was about a year and a half ago. I’m writing this down so I can remember this when I’m having an “I suck and feel shitty” episode.