Bleeding

* if youre a cutter, don’t read this*

Everything was going along just fine….I’m not fine anymore. I did my nightly Starbucks routine…took a book, sat at my table, tried to read. I couldn’t concentrate on what I was reading. I started to have this strange awareness that everyone there was talking to someone else, except me. I felt like I was in study hall in junior high in a corner with a book all over again. There were different groups of people – the hippies, the old ladies, the college girls…and then there was me. Usually I am totally unaware of my surroundings when I am there. I tend to immerse myself in whatever I’m reading, but not tonight. I wanted to cry. I couldn’t control it. I got in the car, started to drive and totally lost it. Then I was driving with my contacts all fucked up..sticky and cloudy because of the tears that wouldn’t stop. I began having these images…a slideshow….of me, cutting my throat with a box cutter…blood pouring out (waaay more blood than is actually in a human body, I am sure)…I could see myself floating in a sea of my own blood…feeling realeased…calm…finished. That’s pretty twisted, right? I want to cut, theres something calming about blood…something definite and warm… Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything, I feel too drained from crying to use the rest of my energy to hurt myself. Wanting to do something and actually doing it are different things….kind of like daydreaming of slapping someone upside the head – it’s a nice dream sometimes, but you have control over it. I have control over it tonight.

After the slideshow…driving home in the dark, I had another mental image…or a reminder, I guess…I thought of the woman in the Bible that had been bleeding for 12 years. All she wanted was to touch Jesus to be healed. She knew He could heal her if she touched him…and she touched him, and she was healed because of her faith. I relate to this woman more than anyone else in the entire Bible. I bleed too. I bleed inside where no one can see. I bleed, and I bleed, and I bleed…I wish I could touch Him like she did. That’s the one thing I want more than anything else in this world…just like her…I want to touch him and be healed.