A Sad Story

Man, I read this story this morning that made me really sad. It was about an 11 year old girl in NY who killed herself. She hung herself in the bathroom of her home with her family downstairs...and the family had no idea why she did it. It was an awful story that brought up alot of memories.

I remember being 11 years old....vividly. I dont remember the first time I ever thought about killing myself, but it was sometime before then. I never had a definite plan until I was 12. I was drinking a lot by that time and thought I could put an end to my misery with a bottle of vodka and some Tylenol. I missed 42 days of school in 7th grade. I cried every day. I spent most of my time outside drinking Jim Beam & Dr. Pepper that my friend, Shelton, got from his brother. I never actually tried to kill myself until I was somewhere around 15....I loaded up on some Demerol that my aunt had & some disgusting alcoholic concoction that one of my friends mixed at a party we had while my aunt & uncle were out of town. I woke up...I threw up...and I was pissed.

When I look back on how young I was when all of that started, it makes me never in a million years want to have kids. Nobody knew how really screwed up I was....except for totally not understanding why I couldnt stop crying and why I couldnt get out of the house in the mornings to go to school. I should have failed 7th grade.

The article about the kid in NY went on to say that in 2002 about 300 kids under the age of 14 killed themselves. I know most people think "what the heck do kids have going on that would cause them to do something as dramatic as taking their own lives." Its weird - I totally understand it because I was there. I remember wishing that I had never been born on a regular basis while my parents where still married, so I was younger than 11. I remember praying to God that he would kill me so that I wouldnt have to do it myself. The only thing that kept me from doing it was my brother. He's 5 years younger than me, so he was 6 when I was 11 & even at that age I felt like I was his protector.

I started burning my hands in the 5th grade, but I didnt start cutting on a regular basis until I was about 15 years old. I guess its normal for kids to go through some depression...being a kid can be tough...other kids can be really mean & it can be hard to find a place where you fit in. I guess the story just reminded me how I felt when I was that girl's age. It's such a tragedy that she'll wont get to experience life. I cant imagine how her family must feel. It's hard for me to think about the future sometimes...but I do think about the things I wouldve missed if I had checked out at such an early age.

It's scary to me when I think of having kids....how do you know that you're kid is in such a dark place? How do you know when its an abnormal depression or just the normal ups and downs of adolescense? Well, lets hope that I dont have to worry about that any time soon.....the story just got me thinking about it.