My brain's alittle scattered

I must say that the date went very well. He’s funny, intelligent, cute, painfully shy, and fun. I had a good time. Dinner was good, Batman was good….we talked for a long time after the movie and I didn’t get home until about 2. Now for some reason, although I stay up until 2 most nights, I’ve been dead today. D. works from 10pm until 6am, so he was ready to find something else to do after the movie, but I told him I would fall out. It was fun. I wonder if he checked out my feet.

He brought up the subject of depression. He said he was glad to get out and do something because he’s been down….which led me to reveal the bipolar thing…whew….got that outta the way. I told him that Ive had a hell of a time the past few weeks too. He said something interesting; he said that sometimes he feels like he’s selfish for wanting to be happy. Sometimes I feel that way too….but some weird thing happened and I just started saying things I had no control over…like that I think that we’re most selfish when we’re depressed…that’s one of the things that sucks most about depression…we’re thinking only of ourselves. I hate that. As I was saying that, I was thinking Whoa, where’d this come from??

I thought about that a lot today. I have always felt selfish for being depressed and for wanting to be happy….and hell, that alone can make you depressed if you think about it too much. There are so many aspects to depression…theres the physical part – physically feeling like shit, not being able to eat or keep anything down, not sleeping, no energy….then theres the mental part – not being able to think clearly or function, being scattered, feeling like nothing will ever bring you out of the hole youre in, feeling like you suck worse than anything in the entire world, wanting to die….and as far as being bipolar, that’s just depression, that doesn’t touch the manic side of things. I think there’s a lot you can control and a lot that you cant. I think I feel most selfish when I feel most out of control. Anyway, that hurts my head so Im going to shut up.

D. and I both talked about some stuff that can send us into a whirlwind of hell. Have you ever noticed that a lot of times money is at the top of the depression list. I know it can be for me quite often. I don’t think anyone has enough money….even frickin Bill Gates isn’t satisfied or he wouldn’t totally rape us for his shitty software (that’s another post in itself). Its been hard for me to adjust to living by myself, on just my income, having to pay all of the bills myself with no one else checking the financial situation. To be honest, it sucks beyond recognition…I hate money. But – I shared a story with D. that was a good reminder to myself:

I met a homeless man in Washington, D.C. named Harvey. Harvey was one of the happiest dudes I’ve ever met…and he had nothing….nothing…except for the clothes on his back, food that people gave him or that he found in the dumpster, and a Bible that I stole for him out of my hotel room (yes, I stole a Bible…that’s bad, huh). Anyway, I’ll never forget Harvey as long as I live because he was so happy. I’d sit and smoke with him and we’d talk and he never once complained about having nothing….nowhere other than the alleys to get out of the rain. He only talked about how blessed he was. I wish I had what Harvey had.

Anyway, hows that for a bunch of really unrelated stuff? D. and I are possibly going to a party on the 4th…if the dude’s still having a party. If not, he may come to my grandparent’s with me because my uncle is going to be grilling. He’s a cool dude to hang out with…that’s all Im looking for.