Contentment

You know what pisses me off? (You really dont care do you.) Contentment - it drives me nuts. I've wanted to be content my whole life...content with where I am, who I am, my job...all of those things that everyone wants to be content with.

I've been a bit of a nomad for a long time...just kind of wandering through life...not sure about anything. I've finally, in the past year and a half or so, settled down alittle. I bought a house, I've been working at the same job for a while - and I've become content. In the past week or so I've gotten alittle restless. I think of all the things I've done & would like to do again, I've thought about all the things I havent done and would like to...places I havent seen, people I havent met...and at this moment, contentment has flown out the window.

We wake up every morning and wrap ourselves in the warm towels of life where everything is safe, everything is the same - nothing ever changes. The routine is always the same...every day. Maybe I just need a vacation or something, I dont know. I just feel like I have something inside me thats about to explode. I have this unquenchable thirst for something more. Is becoming content a good thing? - or is it laziness? Or is it different things for different people?

I try to pinpoint what it is that I'm not content with at the moment. I dont require alot...I dont care about money, I've been broke as hell forever, and although lots of money would be nice, its not on the top of the priority list. I want to see things. I want to go places. I miss driving to work with the pacific ocean on one side of the highway and mountains on the other. I miss real cacti (thats a weird word). I want to see the east coast. I want to spend a winter where there is snow.

It's weird, sometimes I like being alone at my house, and other times its a detrimental thing. I think my need to get out stems from never wanting to be at my house when I was a kid....I tried my best to stay away from my house as much as possible. I stayed with friends or with my cousins. I never wanted to be at home. Now, I have a daily ritual of going somewhere...anywhere...I read a book at Starbucks and drank coffee until my eyes turned brown last night. It's strange that other people make me nervous, yet I need to be around them....just for the noise, or just to know that life is going on.

My surroundings really effect my mental health. I'm not saying that I cant stand where I live or what I'm doing - I dont know what the hell I'm saying. I need some excitement or something.

I was really depressed in Texas. I wouldnt ever want to live there, although San Antonio is pretty cool. I like New Mexico alot, Arizona, California, Colorado. I even like Tennessee. I'd like to go to Oregon and Washington....I've never been up that way. I want to see stupid things like Niagara Falls and the frickin Grand Canyon (yup, Ive never stopped at the Grand Canyon, it didnt seem too important when I was there). I've always wanted to hitch hike across the country, or just drive (a breadtruck - dont ask), I want to see and do everything. I want to spend time on an island, live primitively - work picking bananas or something...live in Mexico for a while...hell, I just wanna air out somewhere.....but if I moved to another place, would I live in contentment for a while and then get a wild hair and need to go somewhere else? I like the ocean, it calms me...I like solitude in the mountains...I just want something new. It gets so boring here. Everything is always green and covered with kudzu or brown in the winter...its just so predictable.

What do I want to do when I grow up? I've been content with my job. I like what I do...it isnt too stressful....its a really good job. It's hard to let go of those dreams you have when you're a kid. I wanted to do 3D animation. I had dreams of Pixar...but it aint happenin. I want to do something that matters...something concrete...something visual. I want no creative restraints, I just want to do what I do. I like things to be laid back...no rules - just get the job done. Know a job like that? :)

I feel guilty for having these feelings. I should be happy with what I have...and for the most part, I am. I doubt I'd have insurance while picking bananas on an island. Sometimes I just feel stuck. I need to remember the lesson my step-sister taught me: You're never stuck, you always have options.