Quitting Smoking – Day One

Me and my friend Dean and my boyfriend who really isn’t my boyfriend (don’t ask) decided to quit smoking. We are on the patch….the nicotine one, not the one that does not protect against HIV/AIDS. See, I’m crazy. I haven’t had a cigarette in almost 12 hours and I think I might die any minute. I have chewed gum, eaten a honey bun, drank mountain dew, drank a lovely caramel macchiato from starbucks (I wish I was famous so I’d get some free coffee out of that plug)…but I still want a cigarette. BAD. REALLY BAD. If I can make it through the weekend maybe I’ll be ok.

Has anyone ever tried the patch? Theyre really a trip. I put it on and got alittle buzz even though I’ve smoked a pack and a half a day for 10 years. Its also breaking me out pretty bad. I am allergic to some types of tapes…so apparently my skin doesn’t like the sticky stuff on the thing.

I want to kill people just because they exist. I am hoping this is because of the cigarette thing, but hey, maybe that’s just what kind of mood I’m in. I shouldn’t be having nicotine withdrawals since Ive got this stupid little patch on, but I am ill and zombie-like, but wired at the same time. My eyes are bloodshot today…not sure why that is. I look like I sucked on a bong all night long, and although that sounds appealing, it would not be good for a random piss test…so no bong for me. Damn it.

Good Lord, this sucks beyond all recognition. Seriously I have thoughts of ripping someones healthy lungs out and replacing theirs with mine. TRADE. The thought reminds me of that scene in Constantine when his black yucky cancerous lungs are pulled out. That was nasty.

I have a picture of lungs on the desktop of my computer. It says “The lungs on the left have emphysema. The one on the right has cancer – both from smoking.”….and they are DISGUSTING. I have hoped that this would motivate me….at this moment, I could care less. I just want a cigarette.

I hope this gets better soon. Right now I want to lick an ashtray. I hope D has dumped the ashtrays when I get home. I wanted to light a butt this morning. Mornings are the worst because I smoke like a chimney when I get out of the bed. UUUGGGH. It still morning!! Every few minutes I get up to go outside to smoke and then I remember that I cant.

Im not an addict
its cool
I feel alive
If you dont have it
youre on the other side
Im not an addict
maybe thats a lie
-K's Choice

Wish me luck and be glad that you don’t have to actually be around me!!