2010

I know I havent written in forever, but I've had a few comments so I thought I would send an update.

Life is pretty good right now. My meds have been the same for a while and seem to be working well. I am on Lamictal, Cymbalta and Limbitrol. Married life is treating me just fine and I have been pretty stable for a long time. I am still smoking, which really sucks.

I hope that all is well with everyone. If there is one thing I've learned through the process of being diagnosed and living with bipolar disorder is that it takes a lot of work and patience to make it. I have worked my butt of to try to tame this thing. Things arent perfect, of course, there are still ups and downs. I imagine my ups and down are still more severe than the average persons'. Thats life for me and I have to manage things the best I can and I have really good support from a few loved ones...I've been lucky in that sense. There are a few people who have hung in there with me through some rough stuff.

I still have the fear that one day I will just completely lose my mind. Perhaps thats a bit healthy though. I think that fear drives me to do the best I can NOW so things don't go sour later.

The worst part of this has been the process of getting the right meds. Its a terrible feeling to feel like a guinea pig. Thankfully, it finally happened for me. That doesnt mean these meds will work forever though and I am aware of that. I just try to take things as they come and pay attention to my moods so I can catch myself before life spins out of control one way or the other.

I havent written in a while because I have been really busy with work and with school. I will receive my Masters degree in December and I have a job that I love (most of the time!).

I am ready to start a family. Are there any bipolar women out there that have gone through this? I do not want to take much medication if I can get pregnant to reduce the risk of problems with the baby. With the economy how it is, I am not sure how soon we will try, but I am attempting to get myself ready for it. I need all the advice I can get. We aren't really encouraged to have children, I know...but my husband and I really love kids and I hope it can happen for us.

later everyone. hope all is well.

Holy Crap, I'm alive!

Yes, its true. I am still breathing. I cant believe I havent posted here since Christmas. I am not even going to try to catch everyone up on December - July so I'll just go with whats going on today.

Meds: Lamictal 200mg, Cymbalta 30mg, Geodon 120mg, Klonopin .5 mg/ twice a day. I think thats it.

When I last posted I was taking Abilify, so I'll give you a short run down on how that ceased. Basically, I started having tremors...hands, mouth, tongue. So that had to go. Then came Risperdal, that made me lactate. Ummm...yeah, if youve never had that happen, let me just promise you it is weird. Sooo...back to Geodon, which I have taken in the past. Its been a while, possibly 6 months or so that I have been on it, and all is well.

I wanna thank you guys for continuing to read even though I am a slacker. I will try to do better. I am just really trying not to dwell on the illness. I do like the fact that this blog seems to help some people, so Im hanging on to it. I appreciate all the comments.

later.
jil

alittle better

Aha, here I am again.

Medicine Run-down – 90mg Cymbalta, 20mg Abilify, 12.5mg Ambien, and 200mg Lamictal. 900000 mg nicotine from my cigs

I am just coming out of a major depressive bout. I must say it was a rough one. I’ve been drawing some though and trying to keep spirits up. I usually don’t do well this time of year. From the day the time changed I have been up and down and mainly down. I think I am finally adjusting.

Ive been drawing a lot. If anyone is interested, check out some stuff I did at deviantart. Its at http://sunraven0.deviantart.com

Tonight we have to go to a Christmas Party. My stomach has been acting up, so I don’t exactly know how I’ll make it, but I will. It will probably be fun, and hey – Olive Garden is always good.

Anyway, my mood feels a bit more stable. My Abilify was increased a bit, so I guess that helped. I’ve also been trying to drink more water and watch my wheat intake. I don’t know if it will help, but hell, its got to be good for you.

Hope all is well with everyone. I am trying to think of things to read and draw so any suggestions are welcome. If I draw something you suggest, I’ll post it on deviantart so you can see it.

Later Gators.

ugh

Someone asked about Cymbalta. It has worked for me for a long time, but the depression has kicked its way through again with a vengeance. I started 25mg Pamelor at night, but it doesn’t seem to do anything other than make me not sleep. Ive been on Cymbalta so long I don’t remember how long it took to do the trick, but I had been through the gamut of anti-depressants before I found one that worked, and sadly it seems like its run its course.

I burned myself with a cig for the first time in over a year tonight. Not good.

I want to roll up in a ball. Maybe its just that time of year.

Reading

Anyone read anything good lately? I must confess, once upon a time, I was an avid reader….but no more. My attention span isnt what it used to be these days. Tonight I found myself having time and wanting to indulge myself in something in the literary realm, but even after reading half of the backs of the books that I havent read that are on my shelves, nothing grabbed me. I prefer non-fiction most of the time. A good memoir, or something…I don’t know.

I have a hard time concentrating. I made it through church tonight though. The last time we went, I had to leave after about 30 minutes because I couldn’t bear to be still for one more second. I can sit down and talk to people, but on my own…working, reading, whatever…I just cant focus for more than 15 minutes or so.

My NP said I could add Welbutrin to the mix and that might help, but I don’t really want to add anything else. I am taking Lamictal, Cymbalta, Abilify, Ambien CR…blah blah blah. No thank you to the idea of more medication.

Anyway, I am open to reading suggestions. I am going to go play on amazon and see if anything pops out. I am going to give the reading thing a try again. Seriously, I used to read a couple of books a week or more and I havent read a book that doesn’t deal with something for school or photoshop in over a year :( That’s just pitiful.

Im a smoker, damn it.

Ahhh, the blog. I havent been here in a long time.

I had a doc appointment today….wasnt bad, no med changes, life isnt sucking too incredibly much, so who am I to complain. My NP is the coolest. For someone who started their insanity ride through docs and counsellors about 17 years ago, that’s saying a lot. Ive never stuck with anyone or trusted anyone that Ive talked to like I do her. Good thing of the day.

Ive been shaking a lot. Not sure why. I am supposed to go have my blood sugar tested tomorrow. I know nothing about that sort of thing, so I will let you know what happens. Hmmm. Could it be the pumpkin spice lattes I had today? Maybe I should put them on the list with Red Bull.

Failure: Smoking. Should I say more? I smoke like a chimney.

Triumph: Cutting down Mountain Dew intake. Only one a day (or none, since I had pumpkin spice lattes).

I’ve been alittle down as of late. I forgot my sisters birthday (she ran away 16 years ago – see previous blog posts somewhere). I never forget her birthday. I like to do something on that day that’s kind of special….it makes me feel like she’s doing the same thing somewhere. Basically, forgetting it sucked really bad. I have got to get over it, but its always been a big deal to me….keeping a part of her alive in my mind even though she’s nowhere to be found. Long story.

Anyway, I think that kind of put me in a funk alittle bit….but I shall persevere.

Advice of the Day

Jil's advice of the day: If you are Bipolar, do not drink 9 million Red Bulls in a day because you will go crazy and never sleep. I know this from experience and have learned from my dreadful mistake. It really gives you wings.

 

24 days no smoking. I rock!

 

Not much else going on. My 10 year high school reunion is coming up. That should be interesting....especially since Ive gained about 50 lbs since high school (thank you Zyprexa)....and people I havent seen in a long time have no clue who I am. Nice.

 

I am selling my motorcycle. Anyone want it? I really hate to, but I need a car....extremely bad.

 

Man, I am tired...but no Red Bull for me!! I was watching the clock about every 5 minutes last night, paranoid that it was wrong and I'd miss work. Yes, I am quite strange. I drank 2 of the really big Red Bulls yesterday and God knows how many Mountain Dews....lets just say I was wound up!! Now I can hardly keep my eyes open because I didnt sleep :(

 

OOOOHHHH WEEELLLLLL Thats it from me for the moment.

No Smoking!!

Today is Day #2 of no smoking!! Yay! It does suck though, I must say. I am
taking Chantix. I think its helping because I am not going as completely nuts as
I have in the past when I have tried quitting. I DID have a major crying fit a
little while ago, but hey- what do you expect when youve been smoking for nearly
16 years and then you arent any more. I will keep you all updated on the no
smoking progress.

Life is good. Not much going on. Anyone here play with Joomla much? I am working
on one of my sites with it and its pretty cool. I could use a few pointers
though.

My meds were pretty much doubled since the last time I was here I think.
Lamictal 200mg, Abilify 10mg, Cymbalta 90mg. It seems to be doing the job at the
moment. Im not too out of control either way, so I think thats an accomplishment
when you are Bipolar.

Will be back soon....

another update

I know Ive been slacking lately, but Ive been struggling alittle and I am finally coming out of the dark. I have been depressed. Not severely, just down. My paranoia is alot better since the abilify has been added to the mix again. But, I must say I hate it. Ive stayed really hungry and in turn I am sure I am gaining 900 pounds as we speak. My sleeping patterns are crazy. Its sunday...no work...and I am up at 6:30. eeeeeeewwwww.
Not much to update on. Jeremys car blew up and we got a new (to us) truck. He is proud and so cute washing it and stuff :) He is such a sweetie.
Ive been painting some....so I am feeling better. I know I am down when I dont feel like doing ANYTHING. I am teaching an online class on Photoshop and Im having a good time doing it. Not too incredibly stressful. My NP doesnt really want me to go back to school and I dont think I want to go back anyway. I have tooooo much going on already!
Thats it for the moment....more later.

Update

Here I am again. I had taken an internet hiatus for a while. I crashed from my mania into the depths of depression. Fun, fun. I am still there, unfortunately. I dont know if it was the mania or the depression, but I got intensely paranoid....staying on the internet far too much, reading about the government, conspiracies....all the crap I shouldnt read when I am having an episode. Anyway, I got extremely hopeless and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders....sooo Hello again, Abilify.
My hands are shaky, I am terribly overly emotional about everything, and just plain sucky, I must say. I am going on an emergency visit to my NP tomorrow and maybe she can straighten me out. Anyway, I wanted to give an update since its been a while. I will write more later when my brain settles.

Mother’s Day & A Cup of Hypomania

I hope all you mothers out there had a great mother's day. I went to visit my mom, grandmother, and aunt. It was good and the food at my grandmother's always rocks. I used to really not like mother's day, but it's cool now because it reminds me of all the awesome women that I have been fortunate enough to have in my life. I love my mom. I used to be really bitter and angry with her. I guess I finally realized that parents aren't supposed to be perfect and they quite often screw up. I guess I kind of avoided my mom for a few years…ok, a lot of years….and at different times in my life a couple of ladies have stepped up and kicked my ass when needed (which is still quite often). Through family crisis, high school stupidity, alcohol, drugs, different lifestyle choices, the biggest breakup of my life, SEVERE mental breakdowns, spiritual conflicts – when I couldn't talk to family, there have been a couple of "moms" I could count on…that pull ed me through, kicked my butt, and made me keep going. They made me make choices that I didn't think I could make, listened when I cried, fed me, and gave me a place to stay when I didn't have anywhere to go. When others gave up on me, they didn't. They bandaged wounds – physical and emotional, called doctors when I refused, pulled pills out of my pockets, and one even whopped me upside the head a couple of times (I deserved it, I am sure)!! Even though I frustrated the hell out of them, made them cry, drove them insane – I can still count on the ones that have been there with me, and I love them like they gave birth to my sorry ass!

 

Totally different note: I haven't slept in like a week. Mania is fun for about 3 days and then it sucks. I'm taking meds for my stupid foot (I have a month left of taking those) and an occasional Lortab for my 2 frickin abscessed teeth (did I mention I have to have a root canal and an extraction in the same day next week…uuuggghh). Anyway, the meds apparently keep me up. My NP told me the other day that they could make me manic. She was right. I cant find any Vistaril, so I guess I need to call and get another prescription. I sleep about 2-3 hours a night. I feel like CRAP. I am tired and frustrated!

Unsettled

I never in my life thought I would say this, but I miss home. I worked so hard when I was young to get out of my hometown. I hated it growing up, and I have no idea why I have the need to be there now. I guess its different now that I have gotten older. Ive patched things up considerably with my family in the past few years, after spending years of avoiding them as much as possible. I don't know why I want to be there right now, but I do.

 

Ive thought about us moving back. There is a facility like the one I work at now located in my hometown, and I don't know of anyone there that does residential house plans there, so J would be able to do his own thing. Im just not sure he would go for it. It is where my family is, but its farther away from his. It is closer to Jackson, and there are more opportunities in our field there also. We could buy a bigger house there for a better deal than we could here. I don't know.

 

I'm not sure why I am hating where we are. Maybe I am not happy with any place. It seems like every time I settle somewhere I feel the need to root up and take off. Ive been here longer than I have stayed anywhere since I left home. I don't feel like many people here really know me. The ones that know of me have some warped idea of who I am….which happens most places I go, I just feel like I've been here for a while and haven't made many connections outside of a couple of friends and Jeremy, of course.

 

I have some weird need to be with the people I grew up with. I have reconnected with a few friends from home through the wonders of myspace and facebook. I'm sure I will get over this weirdness soon. Another thing is that I feel like I don't have much time left with my grandparents, and I'd like to spend more time with them. Maybe its my peter pan complex or something, I have no idea. I just want to be with my family and the people who have known me since I was a kid. Theres some sort of authenticity or something that I want.

 

I feel used here. Most people don't take the time to know you, they want to know what you can do for them. I think its like that most places. If you work hard at work or at school, you are just pushed to work harder, faster, and more is put on your plate…but if you start off as a lazy ass, you aren't expected to do crap and you get by anyway. I guess thats life. I don't know, I feel like J and I are both taken advantage of at school. I think the school thing is out the window for me. Maybe I am just not good at letting people in. I vote we move to a cave in like Minnesota or something. Are there caves in Minnesota?

 

Anyway, I've lived a few different places. I've traveled a lot. I always thought I wanted to be far away from home, making lots of money, having lots of fun partying….I just don't feel that way now. Don't get me wrong, if I won the lottery, I would move my whole entire family to the west coast….no doubt. But, they aren't there so that's not where I want to be right now.

Falling Apart, Literally

Ok, what the hell happened to my seventeen year old body and what the hell is this thing it has been replaced with. I swear I haven't even reached 30 yet and my body is totally revolting.

 

Yesterday I went to the podiatrist. Yes, the podiatrist, like an old person. I guess its better than the proctologist, but it made me feel old just the same. My 86 year old grandpa is the only other person I know that has to go to the podiatrist. Anyway, my stupid foot has been hurting for about a month and a half. BAD. It hurts to even barely touch the inside of my left foot. It kinda looks alittle funny and its swollen. I almost knocked Jeremy in the head one night because his foot accidentally hit mine when we were going to sleep. Not good.

 

Let me also say that I do not do anything other than sit my ass in front of a computer all day long. Work, school, home – I am always in front of the computer. I do not run marathons, or even walk down the street unless it is completely necessary. This is why my seventeen year old 6 pack abs have turned into a case of snack packs or something, but that is a story for another day.

 

The foot doc asked me if I remember doing something to my foot and honest to God, all I can think of is having the worst leg cramp of my entire life the night before my foot started killing me. The next day my whole entire leg and foot was sore and my foot just got worse. How completely stupid is that. I have to be the only person on earth that can injure themselves in their sleep.

 

He said that he wants to x-ray my foot, but he wants to wait until the swelling goes down. He thinks that the leg cramp "flipped" the tendon in my foot and I just have really bad tendonitis from it getting agitated. Nice, huh. Anyway, I have to go back in a week for an x-ray. Until then I have to wear this stupid wrap thing on my foot that makes it hurt like hell. I really cant put any weight on it now, and because of that, my knee on my other leg is hurting. Good God, I need to borrow my grandpa's electric scooter and get it over with.

 

In other non-foot news, we stayed up alllllllll night working on our final project for our virtual reality class. It is due today. At 3 am I said, screw it and went to bed. Mine is not finished. I have no clue what time J came to bed, but it was way after 3. I, of course, woke up at 5:45, again, like an older person, and here I am. I am tired and ill, I have to go to work, my project is not finished, and my foot freaking hurts. I give up.

Letters to the Editor

Ok, maybe I am over-reacting....whatever. I recently picked up a copy of my school newspaper and read some of the letters to the editor. It seems that whenever I read the school newspaper, something pisses me off. Here is the letter that sent me into orbit, and my response to it. All names have been taken out.

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Given the negative press the UPD is getting regarding their arrest of a student for sending threatening messages on myspace, I have to take a minute out of the chaos called the end of the semester to say kudos to UPD and the other law enforcement agencies involved for actually taking a threat seriously. I also have to commend the faculty member who came forward to say he or she had been threatened for having the courage to do so.

First of all, I must say I do not know Mr. ***, nor has he been proven guilty. He may very well be innocent. Therefore, the following is not necessarily directed at him but at the events of the last few weeks regarding safety on university campuses and everywhere else for that matter. As the victim of threats in the past, I think the following needs to be said.

The fact of the matter is, no matter how well you think you know a person, you can NEVER know if they will do something crazy. Mental illness does that to people. One minute som eone can be the most wonderful, loving person in the world, the next minute they can turn into a horrible, incredibly violent person. The Cho family said last week they can't believe that their son/brother would do something that terrible. The person who went on a shooting rampage at Virginia Tech was not the Seung-Hui Cho they knew. Cho was mentally ill and many of those who are mentally ill are excellent deceivers. We have got to come up with a better way to handle the mentally ill in this country, especially those with violent tendencies. We have gotten so politically correct that we don't even let people know that someone around them has a problem that could lead to violence. It's terrible that someone is mentally ill but the safety of innocent people should come before the "privacy" of someone who is violent and mentally ill.

Also, once someone has threatened someone else, the person threatened has no way to know if the threatener will actually carry out those threats. Many, if not most, threats are probably never intented to be carried out. But, you can never know for sure. That's why people who make threats need to think before they speak or otherwise deal with the consequences (ie. jailtime). Noone should have to live in constant fear, just because someone spoke a few careless words.

I have much more to say but no space or time to say it. One last thing, I was a little leery about signing this letter with my real name. Unfortunately, one thing I've learned in life is there are very few people you can actually trust and putting my name out there almost makes me feel like a target. Too many people are stalked and threatened everyday and we never hear about it. Victims are afraid to come forward about it because they could face violent consequences from the person who threatened them especially if their claims are not taken seriously by law enforcement. I refuse to stop living my life and speaking out because of fear. Franklin Roosevelt said it best when he said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." If this letter makes me a target, so be it.

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There you go......that pissed me off......and here is MY letter to the editor, which will most likely not be printed because it makes too much damn sense :)

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I have 2 words for *** **** : Educate Yourself. I hate to be the one to break it to her, but she sits in her classes every day with mentally ill people. One out of every 10 people in this country has a mood disorder, and I am one of them.

Never, even in my deepest lows or highest manic states, have I been a violent person. In fact, I think of myself as very laid back and successful. I have a state job, I am a graduate student at ***, and I maintain a 4.0 GPA even though I work full-time. I am married to a wonderful man and lead a fairly normal, productive life.

I had no idea that such ignorance existed today on college campuses. Surely if Ms. *** had even sat through PSY 101, she would know that the vast majority of mentally ill people are not violent. I am frustrated by her comments because her insensitive remarks only add to the stigma that mentally ill people face daily.

Succumbing to an ideology that a group of people need to be "handled" in this country is no different that what happened in Nazi Germany. I find her remarks to be dehumanizing, seeming to refer to people with mental illness as a group that should wear scarlet letters on their chests so everyone can stay away from them. What's next, sending us to concentration camps?

Had Ms. Foster bothered to google "mental illness and violence", she would have discovered these facts:

1.                          Research has shown that the vast majority of people who are violent do not suffer from mental illnesses.

2.                          People with psychiatric disabilities are far more likely to be victims than perpetrators of violent crime.

3.                          People with severe mental illness are 2 1⁄2 times more likely to be attacked, raped or mugged than the general population.

4.                          Someone with Schizophrenia is 2,000 times more likely to harm themselves than they are likely to harm someone else.

 

If we all lived being afraid of the mentally ill, we would have been afraid of: Abraham Lincoln, Beethoven, Van Gogh, Sir Isaac Newton, Winston Churchill, Michelangelo, Theodore Roosevelt, John Nash, Buzz Aldrin, and many others who have greatly contributed to society, despite their disabilities.

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There you go. Overboard for nothing? Or did I have the right to be pissed??

Rant of the Day

It's time for me to stir things up. I know you all love it when I do this. I'm sure I'll get some interesting rants & raves from this one, but I must speak what is on my mind.

 

In my last blog I informed you all of a guy at my school who was arrested for making "threats" on myspace. These threats were seen by a professor, reported to campus police, and the calvary was sent out. The kid remains in jail on a $1 million bond. Now, I dont know this kid, and let me say that if he was really planning on coming and shooting us up to smitherenes, I would be the first to say to lock him up and throw away the key. However, most of the information reguarding the "threats" have not been disclosed and things are starting to look alittle fishy.

 

In keeping up with the lovely case, I have read what this kids friends on myspace say are the bulletins that got him arrested. The worst thing in the bulletins are quotes from the Columbine killers. I believe that the kid was trying to make a point though, I dont think he was actually agreeing with what the Columbine guys said. I think he was pointing to the ways the nutso kids think after the trajedy at VT. On his myspace page, the young man has a couple of stories - some alittle violent, but mostly silly and immature and nothing that threatens anyone. He has posted rants on a couple of issues and used language thats pretty vulgar and says things that are offensive to many people....but still no direct threats. If you can go to jail for being a complete moron, this kid shouldve been locked up long ago. Apparently, when his home (that he shares with his grandmother) was searched, many weapons were found, but none were illegal and he had owned most of them for a long time.

 

When asked by local reporters why he had the weapons, the kid responded "I collect guns, I havent threatened anyone. This is a huge misunderstanding."

 

Heres where I am going to upset some people. I dont want this to seem like I am taking up for a would-be murderer, I just havent seen anything that warrants his arrest. I certainly wouldnt take up for someone who could have riddled me with bullets, but I dont think this kid was going to hurt anyone. If he did threaten someone on the internet, that is a felony in our state, but police have not offered up any evidence thus far to prove that was the case. Everyone on his friends list that saw what he posted said that nothing was aimed at anyone, the kid likes to get people rialed up, and police have obviously misunderstood some of his statements.

 

With what I have seen so far, this case makes me really afraid to post online....which I obviously do quite often. If the police here read my blog, I'd probably be locked up in an institution for the rest of my years. Maybe its the liberal in me coming out (which doesnt always go over well where I am from), but I am afraid that our civil liberties are slowly being taken away. Freedom of Speech is something we all take for granted. I can come here and call the president a dumbass, or my school a shithole, and its cool....for now. When did it become a crime to rant about things? If every psychopath online that posts sick fantasies about death or sex or whatever was arrested, we wouldnt have enough jails. So this kid has guns. Last time I checked, that isnt a crime.

 

If you go online and say, "I hate ____, I'm going to shoot them with my gun"...then, yes-crime.

 

If you go online and say things that make people uncomfortable, things that piss people off, things that shock people....well, if they arrest you, you should be in the same cell as Rob Zombie, Stephen King, and whoever made those stupid Saw movies. God forbid you do all of that AND own guns. Youre screwed when big bro comes knocking on your door because you said you didnt like your teacher on myspace.

 

I dont have guns....for various reasons. Mainly because I am likely to fall into some deep depression at some point and use the damn thing on myself. If someone breaks in my house, I will have to rely on my ninja skills and my baseball bat. I am not in the NRA. I think Charleston Heston is a nutcase. But - I believe if there is a law on the books that says you have the right to bear arms, then you should have the right to bear arms as long as you follow the law.

 

I just dont want to live in a place that polices people before they commit a crime. They look suspicious, they lock them up. They say something off the wall, they lock them up. This could be dangerous for us ALL...as citizens first, as writers, as artist, as bloggers. Ever seen Minority Report? If you havent - rent it. I hate Tom Cruise, but the movie is really good. The world could honestly become like that, where people are put in prison because they "might" commit a crime. This becomes even more realistic as genetics are figured out...have too much of a chemical that causes violence when youre born? Locked Up. Its a possibility we should all be aware of....especially those of us with mental illness.

 

I hate to seem like a weirdo conspiracy theorist, because I am really not. I just think its important that we stand up for our rights and we dont let people get run over that dont deserve it.

Crazy Frickin World

The breaking news of the day: Some crazy dude was coming to kill us all at school. Thank God we arent there very much!! Apparently this guy was posting stuff on myspace about killing people and a bunch of crap about some girl (who apparently didnt want anything to do with the dude). The girl told a professor at our school, who checked out the guys myspace page and alerted authorities. The guy is 25 years old, and a student in the architectural program (the program that J and I are in), which means he takes classes in our building. The police were called and went to the guys house with a search warrant. He had an ARSENAL in the trunk of his car! He was coming after us! They say that the myspace stuff started before the horror at VT. Good Lord, you never know, do you?

 

I dont even want to talk much about the VT stuff. I think that the media is way out of line with what they release. Personally, knowing the guy was nuts is enough for me. I do not care to see pictures of him brandishing weapons 24/7 and mumbling about how shitty his life was. No thanks, and Im sure the people in Virginia dont want to see it either. Cant the media drop it and let the families and the campus heal instead of pouring salt in the wounds every 5 seconds with more info than anybody wants to know. The media is just doing what the killer wanted them to do....they are giving him the attention he wanted, and they are planting this kind of crap in the minds of other wackos who will want to out-do this kid. I'm tired of it. Im praying for the victims families, the family of the psycho, and I hope that God will place his hand on their shoulders and help them through this. Its awful.

 

I hope all of this crap doesnt intensify the stigma of the mentally ill. Of course, it will...I am sure. Obviously, the VT guy didnt want help. He had chances to change things...to help himself....people tried to help him, but he obviously wasnt having it. You cant be helped if you arent willing to be helped. I learned that early on in the Bipolar diagnosis stage, thank God. I had to accept help, be open to things, be honest to my doc, and work HARD to get to where I am now. Its not frickin easy, as anyone with bipolar disorder can tell you. It SUCKS. New meds, side effects, not sleeping, sleeping too much, invasive thoughts, sounds, nightmares, the spending, the shaking, the crying...just read my archives, my story is there. You have to be willing to hang on to the hope that theres light on the other side of the tunnel....even if youre hanging by a string at times. You have to WANT to be well, or youre never going to be. You have to WORK to be pulled out of the misery, y ou cant just lay down and take it or it will overtake you. It can get out of control. You have to get off your ass, as hard as it may be, and DO something...even with no energy, even if you cant brush your teeth, even with everything crashing around you....and it SUCKS, but its necessary if you want to ever have any kind of decent quality of life. I struggle all the time....but not as often and not as severe as I used to, and theres such a difference from where I was to where I am now, that I feel like a totally different person....still me, but not so sad and angry and guilty and crazy. Bipolar doesnt go away, but we can give it hell.

 

Other things: Chantix? Anyone? I need to stop smoking damn it. I need a cig right now. crap.

 

later.

Ramblings of the Day

Hey everybody,

 

I want to thank everyone thats stopped by and left comments. I thought I had lost everyone! Hopefully things will pick up around here.

 

Not much is going on. I went and watched my littlest bro play tennis yesterday. He is playing for a junior college and was playing against the local junior college where I live. It was good to see him, but I must say that I didnt know I hated tennis until yesterday. Good Lord, it lasts forever!! ....and nothing exciting ever happens!! Sorry if you are a major tennis fan, I just dont get it. Now I am sunburned and I have a headache. Yay.

 

Other than that, all thats happening is work and school. Work hasnt been too stressful lately though. Last week we had Special Olympics, which is always cool. This Friday we are having a Relay for Life Day with some cool things going on....I've got one of my friend's band to play, so that should be fun. School sucks as usual. We were up REALLY late doing homework AGAIN last night. I am tired. Whats freakin new. This school thing is getting old fast, Im not sure if Im going to make it. I'd rather spend my time doing stuff around the house.

 

We didnt get to use the tiller this weekend :( The weather sucked. I was disappointed. I hope I can get the dirt destruction happening soon. Jeremy has poison ivy all over himself. I feel really bad for him. He is an itchy mess. Yuck! I think he's going to go get a shot today.

 

On to the point of this blog (which is not always just about random crap going on in my life)..... I got this email from a reader the other day and I wanted to share the links with everyone because the sites are REALLY good. The videos are especially good and theres lots of info for the Bipolar crowd:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Jil,  

I run a number of mental health Web sites.  I came across your blog some time ago, and I have followed your adventures with interest.  It's good to have you back. :)  

To (quickly) give you a little bit of background on the sites I run –  BipolarConnect, MyDepressionConnection, AnxietyConnection and Schizophrenia Connection – these sites are designed to help patients find the information they need, manage their conditions, and connect with others through our recently launched SharePost feature, in which individuals can set up a profile and write blogs, questions, recommendations – basically whatever is on their mind that they'd like to sha re with the community. 

In addition, we have launched a few new projects that I thought might be of interest to you.  We have recently expanded the scope of our content with two new videos, produced in collaboration with the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA), featuring community members sharing their stories of diagnosis and recovery.   

Finally, to give you a sneak preview of some exciting new projects coming up within the next few weeks, we plan to launch a video presentation by our lead Expert Patient John McManamy, in which he shares his insight on living well with depression and bipolar disorder.  We have also a number of video interviews – produced in alliance with NARSAD – of some of the top psychiatrists and researchers in the country about the latest research and coping strategies for depression and bipolar disorder.   

I would love it if you would stop by, pay us a visit and let me know what you think!

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Go check them out.....all of the sites are really informative, and like I said, the videos are great. I really think seeing the faces of people like us who deal with the same issues really helps us to know that we arent alone.

On another note (Im going to shut up in a minute), has anyone used Chantix to stop smoking? I've tried everything in the world: patches, losenges, gum, even some huge green herbal pills that were disgusting... soooooo, I just was wondering if anyone had used Chantix, if it interfered with any other meds, if youve had luck with it, all that kind of stuff. Ive got to quit smoking. I hate it. I hate it and love it at the same time :(

later.

Jil's Blog - I told you so...

See, 2 days in a row...I really am back. Youre all amazed, I know. My goal is writing here once a week these days, we'll see how that goes.

 

Not that much has changed since yesterday.

 

I talked to mom, she has seen wedding pictures. I have not. She says that since it was so dark, the photographer was having to do some doctoring....but she says theyre awesome. He is going to try to burn us a cd of some that he is finished with to hold us over. Cant wait to see them. I'll post a couple when I get them. Good Lord, it is taking him forever to "doctor".

 

Im ready for the weekend. We are working in the yard Saturday if nothing else interferes. My bro is supposed to be bringing us a tiller. I wanna drive the tiller thing!! Scary, huh. I will have dug up the whole yard, I can see it now.

 

I think we have to do some homework. We are supposed to have a character animated by the 23rd and my character isnt even finished, much less animated. I hate school crap.

 

We are supposed to be getting our house plan business started in full swing when school is out...which isnt that far away. I am working on our websites. I think we are going to have 1 big umbrella company with some smaller companies underneath...one for house plans, one for 3d models/animation, one for graphics and presentations, and possibly another for some video editing stuff. We havent nailed it all down for sure.

 

Another thing we are planning to do pretty soon is start visiting schools and talk about what we do....maybe let some kids know what they need to study to create video games, 3d models, or what they need to do to get into architecture. I figure they will like seeing J's robot that he modeled more than anything. I think first up is the school where my step-dad teaches computer technology stuff. We are also planning on donating some art supplies to some schools. J is really into that since most schools dont even have art programs anymore...how sad for the kids that could make a living doing that sort of thing!! How can you draw plans, storyboards, etc. if you dont learn somewhere! Anyway, I'm hoping we can do this stuff soon. I've gotta talk to some people and get it all lined up.

 

Thats it from me. Anybody got anything going on, or has everybody stopped reading since I disappeared for like 3 months!!

 

later.

I'm Back (I Think)

Yes, I am alive. I know its been a long time since I have written here. The wedding stuff, school, and the busiest freakin month ever at work kind of put a damper on the blogging thing.

 

I am a married woman. YAY The wedding turned out awesome. It was fun, and our honeymoon to Oregon was great....we saw tons of sealions, an eagle, and all sorts of stuff. I really liked the coast and Portland. The japanese garden in Portland was really beautiful. We didnt want to come home.....but here we are. Now we are working on doing house stuff. We're doing alot in the yard (so far its been Jeremy doing lots of stuff in the yard, but I am hoping to get out there and get dirty soon). Life has calmed a lot since the wedding is over and done with, thank the good Lord.

 

We've been focusing a lot on school. I am sooooo ready for summer break. I taught a class last night and it was interesting. I really have lost faith in undergrads at my college. I think about 4 people understood what the hell I was talking about last night and 2 of them were Jeremy and myself. However, I didnt get too many stupid questions. I think the really stupid people were so dumbfounded that they didnt even know what to ask. I think I am finished teaching stuff for the semester. I am glad. I used to think I could teach, but I dont think I can. I just have no patience with dumb people and I dont like being asked the same question 50 times. Honestly, the whole reason for getting my master's was to teach on the college level....but that was a total pipe dream. I would totally go off on someone and it would not be good. No teaching for me. I can understand young kids who dont grasp material, but Seniors in college should be alittle deeper into the learning process and I swe ar some of them act like Freshmen. Oh well, no teaching for me.

 

I havent been here to give any bipolar updates lately. Not much has changed. I am still on my same meds and I seem to be fairly stable. Meds - 100mg Lamictal, 60mg Cymbalta. I have quit taking everything else. No more Abilify. I have "crazy moments" on occasion...some noise in my ears...but nothing that Im not able to handle. I think it helps alot to have someone at home to keep me busy. I usually have a waaaaay tougher time with the depression side of things and I havent been too totally down in a while. My energy level sucks, but thats really all I have to complain about....and since I have been so busy, its probably normal to be tired all the time. My doc visits are less frequent than they used to be, which I suppose means that I am kind of where I need to be at the moment and thats a good thing.

 

I was reading through some old e-mails and I guess it kind of hit me how far Ive come from where I was 5 years ago. At that time I was in a relationship that was making me crazier than I was by being bipolar in the first place. I had just started meds and they were totally kicking my ass....getting used to them was not fun, and changing things so much made my brain complete chaos. When I ended the relationship I was in, I had nowhere to live....and just didnt think life in general was for me. Thank God for meds and the passage of time. At that time I never thought it was possible to be where I am now. In fact, I really didnt see myself living much longer....frequent suicidal thoughts, a few attempts....I'm just happy I didnt succeed. I hope if any of you are thinking that way, that somehow you can see that things wont always be like they are right now. I couldnt see that at the time. I'm actually at a point where I am looking forward to the future and I dont think I have EVER been at that point before.

 

I'm hoping I can get back to writing here alittle more often....probably not as often as I used to until school is out....but I am alive and kicking.

 

later folks.

Wedding Website

www.jilandjeremy.com

 

 

Christmas Lights!!

Wedding Stuff

Well, I know I havent said very much about wedding stuff. We’ve kept it fairly private online and at school, and I’ve been pretty busy to write about it much here. We had been talking about getting married for a while. It just seems right. We set a date a couple of weeks ago. I got my ring this week. JW got down on one knee right after I had brushed my teeth (romantic, huh lol) and asked me to marry him. He was scared he’s lose the ring! He was sweet. It was kinda funny too, with the whole teeth-brushing thing. We are getting married March 10^th at my aunt and uncles house. All of my cousins, brothers, and JW’s brother and sister are going to be the wedding party. The wedding colors are light pink and black, its going to be cool. I will try to post pictures of the bridesmaid dresses and the cake and all of that good stuff soon. I am really excited.

 

We’ve been moving things around in the house to make room for him to move in. We put 2 new desks in my “old music room” which is now the “new office”. We moved bookcases and all of the office stuff in there and we now have an office where we both can work. The main ordeal will be closet space. I have a ton of clothes and only 3 small (very small) closets in the house. I need to throw a lot of crap away. It is fun getting everything ready.

 

My family is very excited, even my dad is happy about it, which is amazing. My dad is buying my wedding dress. Its really pretty (for a dress lol). I don’t own a dress. My mom is about to die for it to get here so I can try it on and all that. My aunt and uncle and my cousin are going to do the music (guitars and piano), that should be cool.

 

Anyway, on the bipolar front things are going smoothly. All is well, meds seem to be working alright. I think JW is going to go with me to the doc next time I go. My appointment is Dec. 12^th I think. It will be good for him to go with me, I think. He needs to know what goes on with me and why. That’s all I know.

Writing About Bipolar

I was asked what effect keeping this blog has on me as a bipolar person. It has different effects on me at different times. If I am down, writing and getting all of the mess out of my brain really helps me a lot. Actually, it helps when I am climbing the walls too. Writing does have a stabilizing aspect to it, I think. It does for me anyway.

 

I think that bipolar people can really benefit from keeping a journal or a blog, especially if the blog is anonymous. Some people cant talk about their illness because of fear, and being able to express how you feel really helps. Being part of an online support group, which basically becomes what happens when you start writing about being bipolar, helps because you know that there are others out there like you. There are people that feel the same weird ass feelings that you feel. There are people that have tons of experience with the disease and that helps if you are newly diagnosed.

 

Do I feel more upbeat after I write? Sometimes. I think it totally depends on whats going on in my head. Usually I am helped by the people that visit here. The folks that comment really help me with decisions, help me cope, help me see things in a different way. That’s why I suggest blogging if youre bipolar. It takes a lot of guts for a lot of people to put themselves out there, but I think its worth it. It has been to me anyway.

 

Just a note on how I'm feeling Bipolar-wise: I have really felt very stable the past few months. I have up and down days of course, but nothing thats totally off the wall, as has been the case in the past. Im actually happy with where I am as far as my mood goes. Im happy with my meds. I still have crappy side effects, but I guess you have to figure out what you give and take, what makes your quality of life be the best it can be.

Tying the Knot

March 10th. I'm overly excited. Planning a wedding is fun....Im sure I wont say that in a couple of months though. Everyone is invited....yes, the entire world.

Whats Going On

Today is my sisters birthday. She ran away about 15 years ago. I havent seen her since then. She was my best friend. This day is always hard for me because I think about her a lot. I hope she is safe and happy somewhere. I usually try to go out to eat or do something on her birthday to remember her.

 

Not much is happening. We went to Jackson the other night and I got my tattoo partially colored. I still have to get the Koi colored though.

 

I have a couple of major papers due soon. That sucks, I am tired of papers!! We are doing some cool stuff in Modeling & Animation though, and that almost makes up for the fact that we have to write such a stupid paper for that class.

 

Things are still great with JW. We hang out every day. He stayed over this weekend and we had fun. I think we are going to go eat with my mom and my step-dad tonight. We usually do on Wednesday nights.

 

JW met my dad this weekend. It went well. Usually my dad is an ass, but he was nice. We met his new girlfriend (he just got divorced for the 900^th time). She seemed nice. I have never brought anyone home to meet my dad, so this was a big deal. We had breakfast with JW’s parents Sunday morning and that was cool. They went to a lot of trouble for breakfast. His mom cooked and it was awesome. They were very nice to me, and his mom emailed him later and said she liked me a lot. That made me feel pretty good.

 

I got another ticket the other day. This time for an expired tag, although I had a valid tag in my car that I had not put on yet. What an ass. I showed him my new tag and he told me to show it to the judge. I have to go to court on the 7^th. Nice, huh.

 

Thats about it, I guess.

The Weekend

Im trying to come up for air. The past few weeks have been incredibly busy with school and hanging out with JW as much as possible. I have 2 papers due really soon that I havent even started on, and my building is supposed to be finished by Tuesday. The building is coming along though, Im just worried about the papers because they are literature review and I havent read crap.

 

JW had fall break, which was Wed.-Fri. (I don�t have school those days anyway), so he has been staying with me. Its been pretty cool. We went to get my tattoo worked on Monday (its itching like hell right now), went to eat with my mom Wednesday, went shopping Thursday and went to a ballgame Friday night. Today is homework day. I have to work this morning because I have absolutely no time to take off at work and I have to have some comp time to take off for class on Mondays.

 

Ive been sick this week. I went to the doctor Tuesday. He said its just sinus drainage. Yuck. My throat completely closed up Tuesday and I couldnt even swallow orange juice. The doc gave me some medicine and I have felt a lot better, just still a bit stuffy and gross. I had to take off of work and Im getting docked because I had no time to take off. That sucks. I hate being sick, but it seems like I get sick every month these days. It may be because I am in school and around lots of people. My stomach has been feeling alittle better than usual. I got sick Thursday morning. I threw up a couple of times, but I think it was from the sinus medicine.

 

Ive had a really good week hanging out with JW, its great to have him around. I want to be with him all the time. I am sure that will wear off at some point, but I am enjoying it right now. He is so sweet! Anyway, I must get to work so I can come home and write some damn papers!

Sex & Other Stuff

One time I was talking to my mom about sex (weird, I know). I told her that I thought I�d never enjoy sex with a man because I cant reach the intended goal because of medicine and it just seemed like the guys didnt give a crap anyway. She told me that one day I would meet someone who cared that I couldnt reach that goal and that sex with them would be different. She said they wouldnt be in it for themselves and neither would I. She was right, and Ive met him. The meds still hinder things bigtime (anyone got any advice on that one), but its different, so different I cant explain it.

 

On that note, my cat has hidden my birth control. Not good. I must get samples today to make it through the month. I just got this pack on Friday. My cat hides everything. Usually, he hides stuff in his litter box, but they werent in there. There is no telling where the heck they are. What a weirdo.

 

I had a great weekend. JW stayed over Friday night until this morning and we had a good time just hanging out. We went to a ballgame Friday night and froze to death, worked on some homework and stuff Saturday, and ate with my family on Sunday. We also went to church last night. Tonight is tattoo night. I am getting a big ass Koi on my back, it should be cool. Its going to take 3 hours and will hurt like hell. I am excited though. I will post a picture when its done.

This Weekend

Well, I am a sushi addict. We went and ate last night and I got some for lunch today. It was really good as usual. I think I could eat different kinds of sushi just about every day.

 

I worked on cleaning my room and bathroom yesterday so JW wont be terribly disgusted when he stays this weekend. It looks better, but Im not finished. I hope I can finish it up before I have to go to school today.

 

We have a meeting about our big ass paper today. I havent written crap for it. I need to get on the ball. I think before our meeting JW is going to help me take some pictures of the building I have to model and help me with the geometry some. That will be nice, I need the help. I have to haul ass and have this building going by Tuesday.

 

That�s about all thats going on. Tonight we are going to a ballgame, tomorrow is homework day. I have to work some tomorrow so that I have time to take off for class Monday. We are also going to paint some tomorrow. That will be fun. Sunday is church and grandparents day. It should be a good weekend.

 

I have pictures of me and JW on my myspace page if you wanna take a look, its www.myspace.com/sunraven0

Hump Day

I�ve been so dang busy that I havent stopped to write here in a while. I just havent had 2 seconds to breathe. School is killing me. I had a bit of a breakdown there the other day. It was just too overwhelming. I am alittle better, but Im still stressed about all of the work I have to get done.

 

JW helps me a lot with school work and just being around him helps me to relax and deal with all the stress. Ive never been so happy in a relationship. I think we were totally made for each other. We�ve hung out every day since the first night we went out. I cant stand not to be with him. It really amazes me. He�s so sweet. He�s coming to stay this weekend and we are just going to hang out and try to chill. I need to have my school work done before then. Yuck.

 

So far I�m juggling everything alright. Its just kind of crazy. I forgot my meds for a couple of days this week and I started to get weird, hence the slight breakdown at school. Im back on track though, so everything is better.

Everything is Great

Well, I must say that its hard to concentrate on anything in the whole world other than JW. I am totally head over heals and its scary as all hell, but its also awesome. After our meeting yesterday, we hung out at his place, just laid around and talked and then we went out to a Mexican restaurant. I got alittle tipsy and talked a whole heck of a lot. I do that on occasion, but I wasn�t being a dumbass or anything, I just get alittle animated after a margarita and a beer these days. We had fun, went back to the apt. and fell asleep. I can fall asleep with him in about 5 minutes, which is weird because I usually have a hard time falling asleep. I�ve heard of people having crazy whirlwind romances, but I never thought it would happen to me. Ive never felt so comfortable and completely myself with anyone else ever. This is scaring the crap out of me, but its the coolest scary feeling Ive ever had. Tonight we are going to go have dinner wit h my mom, step-dad, and step-brother. I thought I would take him up there to do that before I push Sunday lunch on him with my entire family being there. He is nervous. I will be nervous when I meet his parents too though, so I know how he feels. It will be no big deal. My parents will love him because I do. It will be fun. My parents are fairly easy going most of the time and they make conversation easy, so hopefully he will be ok after being there a few minutes. Anyway, all is great.

 

School? Oh yeah, I go to school. Hahaha Its going I guess, its so on the backburner right now and it really doesn�t need to be. We skipped class Tuesday night and hung out. My meeting went well though, so far I am juggling everything pretty well.

 

I went to see my NP the other day. No changes, she thinks I am doing well. I think so too. Thank God for medication!!