Unsettled

I never in my life thought I would say this, but I miss home. I worked so hard when I was young to get out of my hometown. I hated it growing up, and I have no idea why I have the need to be there now. I guess its different now that I have gotten older. Ive patched things up considerably with my family in the past few years, after spending years of avoiding them as much as possible. I don't know why I want to be there right now, but I do.

 

Ive thought about us moving back. There is a facility like the one I work at now located in my hometown, and I don't know of anyone there that does residential house plans there, so J would be able to do his own thing. Im just not sure he would go for it. It is where my family is, but its farther away from his. It is closer to Jackson, and there are more opportunities in our field there also. We could buy a bigger house there for a better deal than we could here. I don't know.

 

I'm not sure why I am hating where we are. Maybe I am not happy with any place. It seems like every time I settle somewhere I feel the need to root up and take off. Ive been here longer than I have stayed anywhere since I left home. I don't feel like many people here really know me. The ones that know of me have some warped idea of who I am….which happens most places I go, I just feel like I've been here for a while and haven't made many connections outside of a couple of friends and Jeremy, of course.

 

I have some weird need to be with the people I grew up with. I have reconnected with a few friends from home through the wonders of myspace and facebook. I'm sure I will get over this weirdness soon. Another thing is that I feel like I don't have much time left with my grandparents, and I'd like to spend more time with them. Maybe its my peter pan complex or something, I have no idea. I just want to be with my family and the people who have known me since I was a kid. Theres some sort of authenticity or something that I want.

 

I feel used here. Most people don't take the time to know you, they want to know what you can do for them. I think its like that most places. If you work hard at work or at school, you are just pushed to work harder, faster, and more is put on your plate…but if you start off as a lazy ass, you aren't expected to do crap and you get by anyway. I guess thats life. I don't know, I feel like J and I are both taken advantage of at school. I think the school thing is out the window for me. Maybe I am just not good at letting people in. I vote we move to a cave in like Minnesota or something. Are there caves in Minnesota?

 

Anyway, I've lived a few different places. I've traveled a lot. I always thought I wanted to be far away from home, making lots of money, having lots of fun partying….I just don't feel that way now. Don't get me wrong, if I won the lottery, I would move my whole entire family to the west coast….no doubt. But, they aren't there so that's not where I want to be right now.