Saturday, September 30, 2006

Exciting News

I�m still struggling a bit. I went to bed quite early last night and I feel alittle better this morning. I�m just down. Everything is getting to me.

 

I have exciting news � I have a date tonight! Woohooo AND its with the cute tattoo guy at school! I am very excited. We are just going out for a drink, I think. He�s going to call me this afternoon when I get off of work and we�re going to make definite plans. Yay. That made me feel better. If nothing else, it�s a new friend and I am always in need of a new friend. He asked me out yesterday. I was stoked, but tried to act like it wasnt that big of a deal of course. I will let you all know how it goes. I like him, he is very smart and nice and cute!

 

Nothing else is new, just the same old routine. I was supposed to have a book read by yesterday and I still havent read it all. Its pretty interesting, I just havent had the energy or motivation to do it.

 

My house is still wrecked. Its bad when the outside of my house looks better than the inside. Usually my grass is like a jungle and it looks like either no one or either a pirate lives at my house. My grass was mowed yesterday and it looks nice. The inside, however, is a different story. My cat is the messiest cat in the world. He knocks stuff over and finds stuff to get into and tear up. Sooo, he hasnt helped much. I told him I was going to trade him for a nice cat, but he didnt care.

 

Thats it for me right now. I�ll give you an update tonight or in the morning.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Oh No

I can feel myself heading downward, which really sucks because I really cant afford a depressive episode right now. Im too busy (aren�t we all, doesn�t it suck how this disease totally disrupts our lives). I was supposed to have a relaxing evening yesterday. I needed to read, but I didnt have any meetings or anything like that. Well, it ended up just being a cryfest for no apparent reason. I turned the lights out in the house before 8:00 and just laid on my couch and cried. It sucked. I dont feel much better this morning. Im depressed about nothing. I guess I will snap out of it sooner or later, I just hope its sooner. I need to be able to function, damn it.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

School Stuff

Well, I didn�t have to stay in class forever last night. The instructor gave us our class work for homework and let us go home. After class, I took my graduate committee form to be signed by my instructor. He told me that he cant �officially� be on my committee because he isn�t finished with his Ph.D. He can come to my meeting, but cant be an �official� member of the committee.

 

Ok, that sucks because it means that I have to find another faculty member that can meet with us on Monday at 1:00. This will be a difficult task. I have a meeting with one faculty member today, and I am hoping she will be able to be on my committee. Pray. Hard. I�ll be screwed if she cant do it.

 

I have 3 meetings today and am supposed to take some pictures of the stadium. I get tired just thinking about it. Once I get through today though, I should be able to chill after work tomorrow. I hope.

 

I have to �refine� my problem statement (whatever the hell that means), get an agenda together, find a couple more sources to back up my problem, and do a presentation for this meeting Monday. All that while I am trying to write sections of my 50 page team paper, and modeling a football stadium. What a pain in the ass. Why did I sign up for this???? Lets hope this degree means much wealth and prosperity. Yeah, right. It means more loans to pay back, thats all.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

More Normal Stuff

Well, I am completely legal as far as vehicular things go. Yay. I got my license renewed, a safety sticker, a tag, and I paid 6 months of insurance. I am on the ball. I actually feel better after doing all that. It�s a weight off of me. Its stuff Ive needed to do, but haven�t.

 

I got my graduate committee meeting set up for next Monday. Its kind of a nerve racking thing, Ive got to get a plan of study figured out and all kinds of mess organized before the meeting. I have to get my problem statement for my thesis kind of polished up also. Fun.

 

I have class tonight. I will be there forever because I havent had a chance this week to do any of my class work. Ugh. Usually I get out of there early because Ive done most of my stuff, but I�ll be there all night tonight, most likely.

 

I seem to be hanging in there as far as moods go. I think the structure is good for me. As long as I get plenty of sleep I do ok. Ive been going to bed pretty early and Im not as tired during the day. I require a lot of sleep though.

 

Im still alittle nauseated, which sucks, but its not as bad as it was. Im not totally, totally overwhelmed with school stuff right now. Ive kind of come up with a system to get things done without stressing too much. I just wish I had done the work that is due tonight for class so I wouldnt have to hang out there so long tonight. Oh well, at least I have class time to get it done.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Weekend

I had a good weekend. I went out with my brother and his fiance Saturday. I bought some clothes and a guitar. I know, I know, I am a guitar freak, but it was such a good deal! Ive wanted a Taylor guitar forever and they had a used Big Baby for $250. Couldnt resist. However, since its used they have a 20 day police hold to make sure its not stolen. Sooo, I don�t get to pick it up until the 9th. That sucks.

 

I have class this morning. I have another presentation that I hope we dont have to do. Its really a boring class. After class I am planning to take care of a lot of car stuff. Get a tag, get my license renewed, get an inspection sticker, check about a radiator, etc. Fun stuff.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Its Friday!

Praise Jesus, I found the last source I needed for my thesis problem statement this morning. Hey, I�m doing pretty good, I don�t have to turn it all in until Sunday. I need to work on my presentation now, but that�s the easy part. The hard part was reading about 9 zillion papers until I read something that explicitly stated that my problem was a problem. What a pain. Anyway, I am happy now. All I do is research and sleep. I need to take a day off and drink a margarita.

 

I feel alittle better this morning. My belly ache is better. (Probably because I found my source, well, that plus a gallon of pepto). Everyone should buy stock in Pepto because I keep them in business.

 

I went to my moms last night. I hung out there for a while and on the way home I went through a roadblock. I got a frickin ticket for an expired inspection sticker. Damn it. It could have been a lot worse though. I couldnt find my license (which expired on my birthday anyway), my tag just expired, etc. Basically, its just my luck to run through a road block at 8:00 at night, but I guess I did get lucky that he didnt write me a ticket for everything else in America.

 

I have a meeting today. I dont think we will get much done though because we just met on Wednesday and none of us has had much time to do just a ton of reading and writing since then. We are trying to get the chapters to our paper figured out. We got our architect survey done the other day, so I guess its time to start calling people. Yuck. I hate to be a pain in the ass to busy people.

 

Thats really all that is going on. I think I might go to the Bass Pro shop tonight and eat if I can get someone to go with me. I think I will eat some alligator. Yum.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

My Tummy Hurts :(

Well, my stomach is killing me again. I feel really bad this morning. If I actually had the time to take off, I wouldnt go to work. I would stay home and have a puke fest. Nice visual, huh.

 

My brain doesnt feel so great this morning either. Its a little wishy washy if that makes sense. I forgot my meds yesterday. Ive been taking them after lunch so that my stomach doesnt hurt, but a lot of good thats doing. Its probably just stress.

 

I think I may go to my moms tonight. I am not sure yet. I actually don�t have a meeting or class, which is a major event in my life these days. I have a meeting tomorrow, but that is it until Monday.

 

I have to turn in a project Monday and I am supposed to do a presentation (if he makes us do it, which he might this time). I am going crazy trying to come up with sources to support my problem statement for my thesis and its driving me insane. I have about 200 journal articles (seriously) and none of them come right out and say that my �problem� is a problem. Ugh. Damn it. Basically, I am reading 9 million things and am unable to use any of it for my project. I will be able to use a lot of them for info for my thesis, but nothing to support my stupid problem statement. I know no one really cares about this, but its pissing me off.

 

Anyway, nothing going on other than work, school, read, work, school, read, you get the idea. My moods seem fairly stable, other than alittle weirdness this morning and some paranoia. I think its because I missed my dosage yesterday. You wouldnt think 1 dosage would be that big of a deal. Oh well.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Slow Moving

Im a bit slow this morning. Im awake, but thats about it. Ive been dragging all weekend. I dont know what the deal is. Its nothing new though, just an increase in how Ive been feeling for the past couple of weeks. Maybe all this schedule changing stuff has just really gotten to me.

 

Ive got to do my stadium model TODAY. Me and the girl that�s helping me are going to the physical plant after class this afternoon to see if we can get some dimensions to the monstrous thing. I hope so, its due tomorrow night and we havent done the first thing. Not good.

 

I need to start actually writing on my paper. Its just not happening. I read and read and nothing sparks anything major in my brain that I need to write down. My mom got me a book on VR, so I am going to start reading it today to see if it helps.

 

I got a new laptop. I got a Toshiba Qoismio. I don�t know a ton about Toshiba, but thats a good thing. That means a lot of them arent tearing up for me to fix them. I looked at about 5 zillion laptops and I figured that this one would be the best for me video-wise. I have to have a killer video card to do the graphic stuff in 3D and VR. Anyway, its really cool and now I can have it to keep up in my meetings. I have to add everything under the sun that we have done thus far to it, but that�s ok. Now I have to get my old one fixed and sell it.

 

Thats about it from here. I have a presentation this morning, if he actually makes us do it this time. For some reason, I doubt he will because there are about 20 of us and they are supposed to be 4-6 minutes long and we are only in there an hour. He has to give us our next assignment and all of that good stuff. But � who knows? I may have to get up there and rattle off at the mouth for a while. At least this time I have a clue what I am talking about.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Catching Up

My moods seem to be pretty stable these days. Thank God for meds. I�m feeling pretty good, other than the fact that my house is a mess and that I am overwhelmed by school. I am keeping on trucking though, so far. I just havent had time to clean and that drives me completely insane and truly effects my moods.

 

I have to make a mass 3D model of the football stadium at school by Tuesday. This is not good, seeing as how I have no dimensions yet and it is Saturday morning. I have no idea how Im going to pull it off.

 

Other than that, not much is going on. I am working on writing the 9 zillion page paper I have to do and reading my ass off. I am a reader, but Im not used to being made to read something thats boring as hell. Thankfully, Im being able to do a lot of the research that I want to do, so its more interesting than some of the BS that we have had to read.

 

I am working today to have some time to take off to go to class. Thats my life. Work, class, work, class, work, class. I am having to meet with my groups at school every day of the week and that is killing me. I have been falling asleep really early though. As soon as I get home from a meeting, if I dont have to read, I sack out. Sometimes that means that by 7:00 I am a goner. I fell asleep at 7 last night and woke up at 7:30 this morning. That means it was another night asleep with all the lights on and my shoes on. I didnt care though, I was tired.

 

More reading today, that is my plan. Maybe I will have time to clean alittle this evening.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Feeling Pretty Ok

Well, if you prayed that I wouldnt have to do my presentation at school, it worked out. We didnt have to present; I think he just wanted us to stress about it. I was glad, except for the fact that we had the most boring lecture in the world instead. I am supposed to have an individual presentation Monday. That will suck. Maybe I will get lucky again and not have to do it. Yeah, right.

 

Life is going pretty well at the moment. I feel pretty stable. I am keeping up at school and my moods havent been too weird, which is amazing. I have been very tired, but whats new. I went to see my grandparents and my mom last night and I totally crashed around 9:30 when I got home. I slept well. I still do not feel rested. I am not sure what my sleep deal is.

 

I seem to be doing fine since I decreased my dosage of Lamictal and Cymbalta. Nothing weird has happened anyway. I tell you what though, I can NOT forget my Abilify or I am completely nuts. You would think that after 3 years or so of taking meds, I wouldn�t forget them, but I still have issues with that. When I forget the Abilify, I really know how much is does for me. It really has helped me a lot and keeps me at least on this planet. I have been doing some weird calculations in my head, but I think thats from school. Maybe it will settle down as soon as the Abilify is back in my system. Its a real bitch to be figuring out dimensions of everything in a room.

 

Its rainy and yucky here this morning. That usually depresses me pretty bad. Maybe it wont last too long. I swear my moods are definitely affected by the weather and the time of year. I usually don�t do well in the fall. I hope this year is different since I seem to finally be on a medicine cocktail that�s working.

 

Thats it from me. I have class tonight, but Ive done a lot of my in-class assignments, so I wont have to be there forever (hopefully).

Monday, September 11, 2006

I think I have a case of the Mondays already.

It seems as if its been a while since I have checked in here. Its probably only been a couple of days, but it always feels weird when I don�t write here often. I�ve been kinda sick. I swear my stomach hasnt been right for about 2 months. I doubt its related to meds now. Im not sure what the deal is. I feel ok so far this morning, but that doesnt mean anything. It sort of comes and goes all of a sudden. I dont have the best diet in the world, so Im sure that has something to do with it. I havent eaten anything weird or funky or anything like that. I just wish I would feel better for an extended period of time. I felt alittle better this weekend and got some stuff done, but Im very lethargic on top of the stomach thing, so I have been sleeping a lot. I never feel rested, no matter how much I sleep.

 

I have a presentation this morning at school. Say prayers for me, I hate this kind of crap. Thank God for meds though. I think if I had to do a presentation a few years ago without some type of medicine, I wouldve passed out. Im definitely not excited about it, but Im not stressing too much either, which is a good thing.

 

Nothing else is going on other than doing a ton of research for my school stuff, which is no fun. I usually like this kind of stuff, but Im just not into it. Im beginning to doubt the school thing. I just dont know if I can juggle it all with work and with my moods fluctuating. I can be very productive at times and just worthless others. I think thats probably fairly normal though, its just screwed when I do something stupid like forget my meds like I did yesterday. I feel alittle hypomanic. I didn�t sleep well, lots of weird wild dreams that seem so real. Im going to try to tough it out alittle longer and see how things go. I really need to get better at remembering my meds EVERY DAY. I get so screwed up when I forget them. I knew I had missed my Abilify last night when I started seeing �lights�. I know that makes no sense, but its kinda like the lights you see before a migraine. Anyway, I remembered them this morning , first thing.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Kill Me Now

Ok, so school is making me want to hang myself with my laptop cord. I have to do a 50 page paper on 3D modeling & the Architectural Industry for my modeling class. I have to survey architects (anybody know an architect I could survey??), and I have to do a 30 minute presentation on it to the construction school faculty. Kill me now. The cute guy in my class gets to help me though, so theres always that for something positive about the situation. This isnt even for my thesis class, which is the reading & writing class of the world. I hope I can make it through this, good Lord. I definitely couldn�t be full-time. 2 classes are kicking my ass bigtime. I have the rest of the semester to write the paper, so that�s not too bad, I can get it done, its just a pain in the butt.

 

I saw my NP yesterday. Nothing new to report. I had decreased the dosage of a couple of my meds, and I don�t think she was too happy about that. She asked me why I changed them. To be honest, I dont know really. I think I just felt like I didnt need that much. I have this weird phobia of being over medicated and dumb. I think the less meds the better. Ive been feeling fine other than totally being overwhelmed by school, and I think that�s normal. If I do a nose dive, Ill go back to the normal dosage and stay there permanently. I think I just need to know that I really need that much. If I can function where I am at I will be a happy camper. So far, so good.

 

I slept good last night. I passed out completely at about 10:30. I think I only woke up once about 3:30 and had to pee and smoke. Thats good for me, one wake up. School really helps with sleep. I think I sleep too much right now though. I don�t know why I am so tired, but I guess its just getting into a new routine.

 

Thats about all my news which isnt much. I think I have a meeting today with the rest of the grad students in my modeling class and our teacher to go over this paper stuff. I hope it goes well. Im stressing. I dont know any architects, except maybe one, and I don� know if he'd do a survey because he is a bit full of himself. Oh well. Time to hit the phone book I guess.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Long Weekend

Well, I kind of took a little break from writing over the weekend. It was good to have three days off, I slept a lot and I am still tired this morning, although I woke up really early.

 

I had a good weekend. I went out with my mom, step-dad, brother, and his fianc�. We went to the Bass Pro Shop, which sounds really rednecky, but its very cool. My mom and step-dad are building a lake at their house so we looked at boats and stuff. Theres a really nice restaurant inside the store. Its cool because they have a huge saltwater aquarium in it that takes up the whole wall behind the bar. I ate raw tuna with wasabi sauce, it was awesome.

 

I did absolutely nothing that I can remember Sunday. I slept late because I got home late from Bass Pro and I went out to see how the lake is coming along. It trips me out how fast the bulldozer man can get rid of trees.

 

Monday was another do nothing day. I cleaned some around the house (not nearly enough), slept, and went to check on the lake. The guy is pretty much finished getting rid of the trees, now its time to dig.

 

I see my NP this morning. I really dont have much to tell her. I feel pretty good most of the time, so I guess the meds are doing their job.

 

I have school tonight. Its my modeling class, so it will be pretty fun.

 

That�s about all my news. Not much, huh.

Friday, September 01, 2006

My Kicked Ass

To put it bluntly, this week has kicked my ass. Its only the first week of school! I am sooooo tired! This has been the longest week I can remember. I know its because my schedule has been totally demolished. My days are filled, which isnt a bad thing. I do much better mood-wise when I am busy as hell, so I shouldnt complain.

 

I met with my team last night to do our presentation. We got finished, but it took from 6:30 until 10:00. I got home late, but I fell asleep easily. Maybe this school thing will help with the insomnia. It seems that way so far. I wasn�t the only one that thought the papers we had to read were ridiculous and boring and have nothing to do with our thesis. We all bitched about that for half the night. I like my team members, they all seem very cool.

 

I am trying to take my meds at lunch today to see if that helps my stomach. So far this morning Im not hurting. I did have a few cigs, some BBQ fritos, and a coke for breakfast, so it definitely should be. My NP suggested I take the Cymbalta at a different time, so I shall try it out and see how it works. I just hope I can remember to take them at a different time. You all know how I am when my schedule is altered.

 

If I can just make it through the day at work I will be able to rest. Thank the Lord, we have a 3 day weekend and no school Monday.