Awaiting Self Injury Awareness Day

I'm gonna post a poem to two...or some things Ive written at various times since March 1 is self injury awareness day. If any of you other self injurers post anything on the topic, please let me know in the comments so I can check it out.


Hiding it down deep
Where I know that you wont look
Burning from within
This is not a dream
The red says I am living
The calm comes over me now
I am still alive
The darkness will soon close in
I'll wait for it here

Starbucks Story of the Day

I met another guy. He was HOT�not just alittle hot�.very hot. I didn�t even get to open my book and he sat down beside me and started talking. I knew he wasn�t from south MS because he had on black shiny shoes and jeans and he had gel in his hair�.good old boys don�t do that. He also looked like he possibly hit a tanning bed on occasion. He was from upstate New York but was living in Atlanta. Anyway, we talked from about 6:30 yesterday until about 11:30 last night. He was older�probably about 38 or so, he wouldn�t tell me. He was very intelligent and cool to hang out with. Starbucks was closing up and I said that I needed to go home�and he said, �Can we go back to your place, I want to fuck your brains out.� WTF is up?? Guys have become so crude. I was totally turned off. Yuck�.not a good way to pick up a girl guys�unless you are trying to pick up a whore. I, however, am not a whore and I came home by myself quite disturbed by the comment. I need to stop going to read at Starbucks�.I meet overly horny men. He could�ve been a serial killer. No way in hell is a stranger coming back to my place. Ugh�I�m disgusted and I am hard to disgust. Anyway, I�m just proud that I have been feeling well enough to go out.

Work/Blog BS & Starbucks

Its lunchtime and I can blog my fucking heart out at my own house on my own computer. I can say whatever the hell I feel like saying. That’s the great thing about my blog. Its mine. AHAHAHAHA

The last thing to be said about my blogging at work bullshit (IT is STILL reading my blog and crying about things I say) is that I have already talked to the director of our facility about it. She backed me totally, she said that I shouldn’t publish to my blog at work if its really a "bandwidth issue" (which I have not been doing…other than reading my graphic stuff in bloglines), but that if it interfered with anything I needed to do that she would talk to IT herself. Yay! I have a really cool boss that doesn’t take shit either, and she defends me when she knows I am right. I am lucky in that respect. I will say no more about what shitheads I think the IT guys are, or about how at least one of them needs to try to validate their jobs by picking on me. It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever been a part of. I also want the IT Nazis to know that it doesn’t matter what time my blog SAYS I post. The time isn’t right and there are times that my posts don’t show up for a while anyway since blogger sucks. Ahhhhh, I am done with it.

Other than that BS, I’ve been doing well. The increase of Abilify seems to have done the trick for now. I hope it lasts. Meds seem to have a way of not lasting very long for me….other than the Lamictal that I have been on for a couple of years. I am being optimistic though. I’ve felt good after being on the Cymbalta for a while….after getting over the nausea and the headaches it seems to be doing its job. I’ve woken up alittle bit since the Abilify increase, so that’s a plus. I haven’t been hiding under my covers. I have actually been going out and doing some stuff.

Speaking of doing things, I went to Starbucks last night and met a guy. He was too good to be true. He was cute, had a good job, was in my age range (28) and was very nice. We talked for a long time and went to Pizza Hut and got some food. When I was leaving he said "I know you aren’t going to go home and sleep with me, so I should probably tell you that I am seeing someone." WTF are guys thinking these days!!! Good Lord.

Anyway, I haven’t been catching up on blogs very well, so I am planning on doing that tonight. I’ve sucked at commenting, but I have been reading. I will make my rounds later on.

A weird thing about me

I grew up on a farm so there were always a lot of animals around. Stray cats would have 900 kittens and I had this obsession....I liked rubbing their noses...it was comforting. I rubbed cats noses until they couldnt grow hair around it.

Pheonix lets me rub his nose. He knows I like it. I think he likes it too, but I am very careful and dont do it often so his hair wont fall out :)

Bipolar? WTF are you talking about?

Do you ever have days where you doubt if youre bipolar at all? I do. No matter how psychotic Ive been, sometimes I get on a kick that Im not bipolar at all....Im just different...misunderstood...not sick. Its kind of funny I guess.

Sometimes I feel like I am being medicated to fit in. I get the notion that I should kick all the meds to the curb and be the person I was born to be....free from all chemicals.

I wonder what would happen. How long would I live without them. Could I live without them? Would I just totally make a mess of my whole life?

Is hearing things so abnormal? Maybe I am just a shopaholic. Doesnt everyone get the urge to climb on something tall and try to fly? The government is after all of us. There is a conspiracy to keep me medicated. To keep me controlled. Maybe I could change the world if it werent for the meds. Alas, the things in my head.

I say this all as I am feeling better from increasing the Abilify. It must work pretty quickly.

Sooooo, I am doing much better during the day. I suppose I just needed to get used to the Cymbalta and get over the Effexor. However, I am still having a tough time at night and I have kind of been in a mixed state now for about 2 weeks. I havent gone off on anyone lately and thats always a plus.

 

I was feeling weird last night. I was very aware of everything in the world, which is usually a sign of mania for me, but I was also depressed. I couldnt settle down, but I couldnt get out from under the covers.

 

Soooo....more I called my NP. More Abilify, Im up to 15mg. Shes going to call me back today and let me know if I should change anything else. Shes going to check the half-life of some of the meds I take because I seem to go down at about 2 pm and crash for the rest of the day.

 

Anyway, heres a meds update: 200mg Lamictal, 60mg Cymbalta, 15mg Abilify, and some Vistaril on the side.

Rant

Heres my rant of the day. So, you know the IT guys wanted to ban me from blogs and all of that lovely crap about 2 weeks ago. Well, one of the IT guys is my friend and he told me that one of the other guys told him that the reason they wanted to block me from posting to my blog is because of the �sick� content.

 

Do you know what I think is sad? There are people here whos minds have been totally brainwashed. You think you know the definition of redneck? Come down here! Its sad that these people are people who vote in elections - people who are bigoted, homophobic, and just downright stupid when it comes down to it.

 

I like a lot of things about Mississippi. I really do. Its just that most of the people here rarely get out of the frickin state unless they go to Alabama and MAYBE Florida or Tennessee. They have nothing to compare life to except what goes on in this Mayberry town.

 

One thing I think is funny is that the IT guys still read our blogs! Hey, I am providing them with free entertainment.

 

I think that these people have suppressed every thought they have that theyve been taught to think they SHOULD suppress and it makes them stupid and angry. How sad! They get upset when anyone challenges their conservative narrow minded view of everything.

 

I think their main issue is that they think they are Christians and they have some obligation to be the moral police. I am a Christian, I am honest and I love everyone (even rednecks that piss me off). I am not a perfect Christian. I fail. I screw up. BUT � I know this and I don�t judge others that fail and screw up and choose alternative ways of life�or who are born into alternative ways of life. I think its hypocritical and I think it is a sin to be a homophobic, racist that claims to love Christ and want to live by His example.

 

I just get frustrated with people who are stupid.

A Pacemaker for Depression?

Pacemaker for Depression

I found an interesting article on a pacemaker for depression. The device is put into the subgenual cingulate, as they put it - a well-buried cortical area in the brain. The thing sends 130 four volt electrical shocks to this part of the brain every second. The thought is that the subgenual cingulate acts like a switch left open, allowing depressive circuits to screw up.

This was only tested on 6 people and 4 of them had lasting results. It was tested on both people that had already tried ECT and those who had not.

Has anyone had ECT? Did it work for you? I think that its come a long way from the One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest days and actually helps some people although it can cause memory loss.

If you knew this stuff would help you, would you do it?

I personally don�t like the idea of someone tinkering with my brain to control my moods. Call me old school, but it just freaks me out. I also dont like the idea of something implanted in me�.anything�pacemakers, breast implants�I don�t want anything like that unless a pacemaker or something is absolutely necessary for me to live, I guess.

It sure is inviting that there would be a possibility that it would forever keep those days of hiding under the covers, crying away. I dont know if I would do it if I thought it was a viable possibility.

Valentines Day

I wrote this long post yesterday, sent it through email and it apparently fell in the black hole so Im trying again. Please excuse the lack of punctuation; I have major difficulties with font issues when I email posts.

 

Anyway, since yesterday was Valentines Day, a question popped into my head. How hard is it for bipolar folks to find love?

 

I must say that I think its extremely hard for bipolar singles to date. I know its hard being in a relationship when you are diagnosed also. I have been in both situations.

 

I was in a relationship with Linda when I accepted my bipolar diagnosis. She was very supportive and wanted to help me in any way she could. I was lucky. However, I didn�t want to listen, would not accept her help, and ended up driving her away. I was the one who left, but only because my depression and her drinking had driven us so far apart. I thought we could fix things if we spent time apart, but I was wrong.

 

I took a major leave of absence from the dating scene after I broke up with Linda. I met D at work and I liked hanging out with him. That hard question arose: When do I tell him? Do I tell him at the beginning and risk being abandoned or ostracized?  I have major abandonment issues apart from my bipolarness. Do I wait and tell him later, when we�ve known each other long enough for him to like me?

 

I decided to tell him early on. I did not want to feel like I was lying to him. He appreciated me telling him. He was very accepting, but really didn�t know what being bipolar meant. He did not understand why I took meds every day. He thought I should be able to work things out myself. He did not get it when I was so depressed that I didnt want to get out from underneath my covers. He got on my nerves with other things anyway, and I felt like I should be with someone who really understands what it means, or at least wants to learn. So, I dumped him.

 

Now I am back in the position where I have to go out, meet people, do the dating thing again, and tell the bipolar story. That�s how it goes. Its hard to find someone that says it doesn�t matter when you announce that you are mentally ill!

 

Anyway, I just wanted yalls opinion. I am saving this in case the black hole gets it again!

Things I Do When I am Manic

Listen to heavy metal music LOUDLY

Drive all night long

Speed

Hit tabletops or clap my hands obnoxiously to see what people do

Use profanity excessively and LOUDLY

Have no control over what may come out of my mouth

Dance with my dog

Believe there is a dimension of the universe that only I know about

Start doing math equations in my head

Think I must be a damn genius since I know every mathematical equation to everything in the entire world

Think I know the code to what the Bible really means

Horny 24/7

Hear whispers or screams in my ears

Spend shitloads of money that I don�t really have

No sleep

Rarely Eat

Have really vivid dreams when I do sleep

Go off completely when any little thing pisses me off

Stay pissed off most of the time

Cut or burn or both

Paint and Draw

Write most of the time whatever I write is absurd

Drink a lot

Talk fast

I think the world is against me

I see what I call LSD trailers, colored little outlines on stuff

Think Ive been brainwashed

Seriously agitated

Did I mention irritable

What do you think

I got this from Joel's blog. So what do you think of me?

Uh oh

I bought a pack of cigarettes.

I mainly bought them because I wanted to burn last night (I didnt)...but ooooooh they are so inviting to smoke.

I felt fine yesterday afternoon, but I went to hell last night. It was bad. I'vee had a constant headache since upping the Cymbalta.

Violent Mood Swings

I have been in the most hellacious mood lately. I totally went off on a whole department (badly) at work. I am just in a self centered, egotistical, mean, assholish mood. I am depressed as hell and spending money (that I don�t have) like crazy.

 

I called my NP a couple of days ago (after I lost it completely at work). She upped my Cymbalta. So here is the new med run down: 200mg Lamictal, 10mg Abilify, 60mg Cymbalta, and 100mg Vistaril.

 

I hope I snap out of this soon. I will be completely isolated in my own little world because I will drive everyone away and I will have maxed out all my credit cards if something doesn�t change.

More About Cutting

Jane asked how deeply I cut myself when I cut and if it is a suicidal thing or not.

 

Usually most of my cutting is superficial. I rarely cut very deeply. There have been only a few times that I have actually needed stitches, but I have never gone to get them for fear of what the people in the ER would think of someone who did that to themselves. A lot of times whatever I am cutting with is pretty dull because Ive used it before or something, so it doesn�t cut very well, just makes some scratches that are deep enough to leave scars that fade with the years. I have some gnarly scars on my legs from a particular time I cut after taking a friend�s klonopin. I couldn�t feel anything and I cut very badly. Those scars are with me for the long haul. My arms look pretty bad, but nothing like the tops of my legs.

 

No, its not a suicidal thing for me. Actually cutting helps me when I feel suicidal because it provides a release for me. I have tried to kill myself 4 times in my life. I have never attempted suicide by cutting. I have never even considered killing myself in that way. I have tried twice to OD and twice to hang myself. Cutting is mainly a coping mechanism for me. So I am coping, just not in a healthy way. I have also burned myself with cigarettes a good bit. Its a good thing I stopped smoking. I would say that half of the scars I have are from burning.

 

I hope that makes some sort of sense. I know it really does not make sense at all to most people. I hope I answered some questions that people have. If you have any more I would be happy to try my hand at answering them.

 

Please forgive the stupid little boxes that are replacing my apostrophes and commas and stuff. I am posting by email and it replaces them with that box. It gets on my damn nerves, but theres not much I can do since I cant access blogger from work (or I wont anyway).

 

I am going to post some research articles and stuff like that on March 1^st for Self Harm Awareness Day (if I remember).

comments

For about a week I was wondering why no one was commenting. I fucked something up apparently...anyway, I didnt delete anyone on purpose. I dont even know what yall said. Hope no one is pissed (maggs was but hopefully Im back in good graces). SORRY I fixed it I think.

Self Injury Awareness Day

is March 1st.

Self Harm

After reading Joel's post on skin picking and shrinkette's post on safe cutting, I decided that maybe it was time to write about my issues with self harm again. I havent written about it in a while and I figured I needed to save people the effort of going through my archives.

Anyway, I am a cutter. I also have been known to use cigarettes to burn myself, but I havent done that since I quit smoking (it'll be 10 weeks tomorrow!!). I have cut recently (ummmm...last night).

The first question that I assume would be on most peoples mind is: Why in the world would you choose to hurt yourself on purpose? To be honest, I dont really know...but I can tell you what the act itself does for me.

A variety of emotions can cause me to want to self injure. I feel the need to cut many times when I am just hurting mentally - if I'm sad, mad, lonely, irritated, etc. Feelings of elation can also bring it on because I feel like I feel "too good" and I try to bring myself down.

When I cut I immediately feel a release of tension. Its a strange feeling and it doesnt last too long, but its almost like a high, a rush. I feel calm and relaxed. I am not sure what causes this. I dont really pay attention to the act itself, I rarely even watch the blade cut my skin. I kind of zone out. I dont even feel the pain necessarily until after the cutting is finished. I also get some sort of rush from seeing the blood. It makes me feel real and grounded. The pain makes me know that I can feel something instead of being numb all the time.

Anyway, I know its strange to people who dont do it. I mean, hey, its strange to me! But thats the purpose it serves for me.

Now, about this whole "safe cutting" thing. I use clean blades to cut with most of the time, unless I am in a major zone out and am not really caring if a body part falls off or something because of infection. I have never gotten an infection though.

What would I think if I was in a place that offered clean blades to cut with if I needed them? I would feel weird, but maybe thats a good thing. I couldnt cut with someone sitting beside me. I have burned once in front of someone and I was high on LSD at the time. I wouldnt be able to do it... so thats good. If I had someone sitting with me when I wanted to hurt myself, I am 98.2% sure that I wouldnt do it.

I am not sure if the idea is a good one. It would be beneficial to people that are hell bent on cutting themselves to have a nurse tell them places that are safer to cut than others, but thats just too weird for me.

Sunday

I think everyone in the world is watching the super bowl right now except me. I am lonely. I have nowhere fun to go and the sound is out on my TV. damn.

I have forgotten my meds 2 days in a row. I feel weird.

Renting My Blog

Go visit Ms. Moody's blog over there. She is renting from me. I am going to writ more soon. She is also bipolar. Click the thingy on the right ---->

I went to Target

Oh Lord, I dont know if this means I am going on the upward manic side or what, but I went nuts at frickin Target today. What is the weirdest thing you've ever bought when manic? I swear to God I am going to freeze all my credit cards in a block of ice.

 

On another note....I went to see Brokeback Mountain. I cried my eyeballs out. It made me miss Linda horribly, and it did not do my depression much good. However, its the best movie I have ever seen that was adapted from a story. Honestly, the movie is better than the book. Its great. I will wait until I am more stable before I watch it again.

Givin Them Somethin to Talk About

YES, I blog at work. Stone me....or better yet, dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians....but not the ones at my job for sure! They must be magnificant attractive lesbians!

Anyway, hold up your hands if you blog (even alittle) at work. I mean, come on, what else are you gonna do when things slow down and that inviting little world sits on your desktop. My work gets done (well, I might add). So shoot me.

I work for the state, which means I have no privacy concerning where I go on the internet. I know this. Every time I log into this portal (Im at home now, by the way), the IT nazis can tell. I dont really care though, I mean, my blog is broadcast to the world. I'm not hiding anything. Nothing I write here embarrasses me. I'd rather the nazis not go plundering into my life, BUT, if they think I am that interesting, I suppose its their right too!

The problem with my blog is the content. Let my co-worker look at recipes all day long and see what happens...nazis at our door? I think not. However, talk about having a mental illness and being confused about your sexual preferences and HOLY SHIT, watch out for IT Hitler. The deal is, I live in redneckville. Think I am the only soul that goes online to do things that have absolutley nothing to do with my job? Dont think so.

While my dvds burn, or things render, or whatever is going on...instead of twiddling my thumbs or sticking my thumb up my ass (like some people do), I choose to see if I have comments on my blog. Sorry about that IT, from now on I will keep my bipolar bisexual posts at home :)

I am banned from blogspot at work. Oh well. Heres what I think of that: