Self Harm

After reading Joel's post on skin picking and shrinkette's post on safe cutting, I decided that maybe it was time to write about my issues with self harm again. I havent written about it in a while and I figured I needed to save people the effort of going through my archives.

Anyway, I am a cutter. I also have been known to use cigarettes to burn myself, but I havent done that since I quit smoking (it'll be 10 weeks tomorrow!!). I have cut recently (ummmm...last night).

The first question that I assume would be on most peoples mind is: Why in the world would you choose to hurt yourself on purpose? To be honest, I dont really know...but I can tell you what the act itself does for me.

A variety of emotions can cause me to want to self injure. I feel the need to cut many times when I am just hurting mentally - if I'm sad, mad, lonely, irritated, etc. Feelings of elation can also bring it on because I feel like I feel "too good" and I try to bring myself down.

When I cut I immediately feel a release of tension. Its a strange feeling and it doesnt last too long, but its almost like a high, a rush. I feel calm and relaxed. I am not sure what causes this. I dont really pay attention to the act itself, I rarely even watch the blade cut my skin. I kind of zone out. I dont even feel the pain necessarily until after the cutting is finished. I also get some sort of rush from seeing the blood. It makes me feel real and grounded. The pain makes me know that I can feel something instead of being numb all the time.

Anyway, I know its strange to people who dont do it. I mean, hey, its strange to me! But thats the purpose it serves for me.

Now, about this whole "safe cutting" thing. I use clean blades to cut with most of the time, unless I am in a major zone out and am not really caring if a body part falls off or something because of infection. I have never gotten an infection though.

What would I think if I was in a place that offered clean blades to cut with if I needed them? I would feel weird, but maybe thats a good thing. I couldnt cut with someone sitting beside me. I have burned once in front of someone and I was high on LSD at the time. I wouldnt be able to do it... so thats good. If I had someone sitting with me when I wanted to hurt myself, I am 98.2% sure that I wouldnt do it.

I am not sure if the idea is a good one. It would be beneficial to people that are hell bent on cutting themselves to have a nurse tell them places that are safer to cut than others, but thats just too weird for me.