New Bipolar Blogger

Go Give Chalexa some love.

http://getting-into-the-right-lane.blogspot.com

Weird

Im in an interesting mood this morning. I cant even really describe it. Not overly good and not overly bad, but reflective and feeling as if Im missing something. Its strange.

 

Tonight my brother is bringing his guitar and we are going to play some. I am buying a new guitar today. It�s a Schecter Damien 6. Its cool, its matte black with bat inlays on the neck. It should be fun to play together. He teaches me a lot of stuff even though Ive been playing a lot longer than he has. I wish I would have some sort of creative burst and be able to write some music. I dont think its going to happen though.

 

I cant find my glasses this morning, so I can not see a thing. Not good. I will be busy at work today and half blind. I have no idea what in the world I did with them. I need some new ones anyway, I guess.

 

I cant think of much for my list this morning. My brain is alittle numb or something, so you guys have to add to it. What have you learned along the way from being bipolar?

Heres a couple of things I can think of.

 

1. Noone understands being bipolar unless they are bipolar.
2. Sometimes its really hard to work.
3. You never get vacation time because youre always going to the doctor, or are unable to stay at work all day.
4. Call your doctor if you start seeing things like purple ants.
5. Helping other people can help you.
6. Paxil and Effexor really suck to come off of.
7. A lot of meds kill your creativity. (mine do at least)

My list and some other BS

Here I am again, early in the morning. Sleep at night just hasnt been my friend lately. I can sleep after work, but not for very long.

 

Last night my brother, his fiancee, and my youngest step-brother all hung out and grilled steaks. It was fun. I got back pretty late and I didnt go to bed until about 1 am. Not much rest for the weary.

 

I was thinking of my list of things Ive learned along the Bipolar Highway. Here are 5.

 

1. NEVER drink when you first start taking Welbutrin. Ugh. 1 beer = partying with the toilet.

2. Hearing radios all the time is not normal.

3. Be completely honest with your therapist, pdoc, Np, whoever.

4. Most normies totally don�t understand our illness.

5. Take your meds like your supposed to not like you want to.

 

This will be an ongoing list. Everyone is welcome to add things they�ve learned along the way.

Stuff

Well, I havent been doing particularly well lately, but I cant complain too much since I havent been too low. I just feel lethargic and a bit irritable. I want to sleep all the time. Ive been trying to get out and do things. I went to a baseball game last night. I thought I was going to fall asleep right in the middle of it, although it was a really good game.

 

My brother, my step-brother and I went to the concert in Memphis Friday. It was a blast. 10 years was great, as usual. Black Stone Cherry was really good. They are kind of old school southern rock, sort of like Skynyrd. I liked them a lot. I havent seen a band with really long hair in a while. The guitarists were awesome. The singer played behind his head. It was cool. Blue October was awesome. I am biased a bit because I love them, but seriously, they sound so much better live than they do on their record. We were really close to the stage and I got some really good pictures. We watched some of 30 seconds to Mars and Rock Kills Kid, but I wasn�t really impressed with either. Anyway, it was worth the long ass drive.

 

I hope I perk up some, I am just in a funk, but its not too bad, just annoying.

 

Ive talked a lot lately to friends about when I was diagnosed as Bipolar, so I am thinking of writing a list of things that I have learned along the way. It may take me a while, but Im going to be thinking of a list.

Yay

My computer came. It is fast. I am happy. Comcast man fixed my modem. Yay for me.

Insignificant Things

I had a good night last night. My mom called and wanted me to come up to dinner because my brother and step brother were home. So, I did. The food was awesome. It was fun hanging out with everybody. My step brother came down and stayed with me last night. We just hung out and listened to music, it was fun. He�s a pretty cool guy. He used to be a real jerk growing up. Hes younger than me. He used to be completely nuts when he was a kid. Im glad hes grown up to be a cool human being.

 

Not much else is going on. My grandparents are coming for lunch today and my house is a mess. I couldnt clean it since I wasnt home last night. Oh well, theyll get over it. It will be good to see them and the food will be good. I will have shrimp. Yay.

 

My computer is supposed to come today. I am excited. Also, my internet is supposed to be fixed. Thank God. When it does work, it creeps. Ive gotta find a way to keep the dog out from under the house. This is the second time she has chewed the cable up. I may just put pvc or something around the cable to keep her from being able to chew it. I will hate keeping her out from under the house because she likes to hang out there to keep cool on these hot Mississippi days.

 

My brothers and I are planning a trip to Vancouver. I dont think we will be able to go until next year, but its exciting to think about. I have wanted to go for a long time and my brothers will be cool to go with.

 

I am also excited about the concert tomorrow. We have got to find somewhere to sleep though. I cant drive to Memphis and back at night in one day and my brother cant drive my car because its a stick.

 

Anyway, thats the story today.

Today

I am feeling better. I took a Vistaril the other night and slept really well that night and the day after. I think I needed to catch up. I�ve felt better since. Today I am going to try to clean my house. My grandparents are coming down for lunch tomorrow and I want the place to be clean. My house goes to hell when I am in a major depression. Sooo, just having the thought of cleaning my house means that I am recovering.

 

I went to a baseball game last night. I�ve been trying my best to get out and do some stuff. I�ve been doing pretty good at work. I have made it through the day a few days in a row, which is amazing for me lately. I am taking off Friday to go to Memphis for the Summer Slam concert. Blue October is playing, along with 10 years (who Ive seen before and theyre really good live), Saliva, Buckcherry, Candlebox, so I am excited. I am getting a ticket for my brother for his birthday. It should be fun, I hope I am feeling good. I think we are going to stay up there on Friday night and come back home Saturday. I am stoked about it. I hope we get to hit Beale Street. That�s always fun.

 

Anyway, life seems to be perking up. Ive met some cool people online lately. Selden, I�m really glad you are writing. I really doubt my blog has much to do with it, but I am flattered that you said it does. Sometimes I feel like no one reads this mess, so its cool to hear from someone who�s gotten something from it.

 

Since theres new folks hanging out, if you have any questions for me, go for it. Questions are always good, it gives me something to write about when my creativity has gone down the toilet, like it has lately. Soooo, anything you wanna know?

Alone

Im feeling really alone. I dont know why, I hung out with my family today and did stuff with them over the weekend....but when I get home and Im not busy, things just falter. I try playing my guitar and reading and it just doesnt keep the thoughts from racing in my head that I am by myself. I feel very little connection to the outside world. I know that probably makes no sense...but maybe it does to some of you bipolar folk.

Im thinking about going to a concert in Memphis with my brother for his birthday. I want to see blue october. A lot of other bands will be there also....10 years, Saliva, Candlebox...I dont remember who else, but it should be cool. Ive just got to come up with some money. Thats another thing that bothers me....money. Doesnt it bother everyone? You can never have enough. I am broke as hell....hoping for a raise at work, but who knows.

Anyway, nothing going on except lonliness.

Better?

I think I am alittle better. Im scared to say that though because as soon as it comes out of my mouth...or in this case my fingers...all goes to hell.

I went to watch Nacho Libre with my friend Dean and his wife last night. It was nice to get out. Today I am planning on going to a guitar center with my brother and my uncle, so that will be fun.

Ive slept better the past few nights which is amazing. I hope the sleep thing sticks around. I think sleeping at night really helps my mood.

I changed my laptop order to a desktop. I think Im gonna keep the laptop I have and fix the screen, which doesnt work. I have to run it through a monitor.

Thats really all thats going on, which isnt much.

Im Frustrated

Im frustrating...
I hate myself...
I burned...

Being Sick

sucks.

Why, you may ask, does it suck so bad? Well, other than the obvious reasons of not sleeping and feeling like hell, it sucks because other people cant "see" that you are sick.

For instance, I made it through 8 hours at work yesterday which is a major accomplishment lately. When I was leaving, my boss said "Did you put in 8 hours today?" I said yes, and she said (a bit sarcastically) that she was proud of me. I told her that it was hard sometimes for me when I am sick. I dont think she gets it...and she understands more than most.

This disease can make you look lazy and that drives me nuts. I hate being thought of as lazy. I dont know what I can do about it though. Sometimes I just cant function at work. Cant concentrate, want to hide....my mood is just not conducive to the workplace. I just cant be there.

Of all people I know, my boss knows most about my disorder because she is also a friend...and for her to not understand makes me feel bad. Oh well, I do my best and thats all I can do. I hope today is better than yesterday.

Spoke too soon....

still down, still not sleeping....feeling really weird, tired, wired, a combination of things.

Not much going on....just did my financial aid stuff for school. I hope they give me a lot of money, yeah right.

I'm listening to a new band right now, Blue October. Theyre really good. Their site is www.blueoctober.com or you can find them on myspace. Speaking of myspace, if anyone is on there, find me, my screen name is sunraven0. Just send me a message to let me know who you are so I'll accept you as a friend....that is, if its no obvious who you are.

My dog has been chewing my cable under my house so my internet is iffy at best. The guy came to fix it yesterday, but its still screwed....may have to run the whole cable again. Dang dog. I love her though.

Not sure why I am not sleeping well....maybe the cymbalta increase. I actually made it a whole entire 8 hours at work today. Amazing. I feel like such an idiot because I cant make it a lot of the time. I feel wussy or something. I feel like I should be able to make it through anything, especially depression and not being able to sleep. Im still hearing stuff....kind of a grinding noise which is annoying as hell....I think its from not sleeping. Maybe I will get used to the cymbalta soon.

Hello to the new people that are reading. I appreciate comments. It seems like Ive lost some readers over the past few months because Ive been inconsistent, so its always good to hear from folks.

L8R

Its 3:15 AM

and Im awake. damn.
....and I just bought a laptop.

Alittle Better

I think I am doing alittle better. I made it through work fairly well today. I rode my bike yesterday and riding my motorcycle always makes me feel better....I just havent felt like doing it in a while, ya know. I rode to work today too. I went out for coffee tonight. I felt really alone...but I took a book and was actually able to concentrate long enough to read about 5 chapters....which is amazing. Lately I havent been able to read at all.

Maybe the Cymbalta is kicking in...maybe I am just turning over to the other end of the cycle. I hope so, either way. I hope I feel as good tomorrow as I did today.

Ive slept better the past couple of nights. I think the Abilify really helped with that. My head is not so noisy when I am trying to sleep. If I can get 5 or 6 hours I am really happy.

On another note, I am a shoe-in for grad school. I sent an email to the professor that I have worked with over the years to get a recommendation letter and he told me that he is now the one that accepts graduate applications. Soooo I am stoked and not so worried about my GRE scores. That has helped my feelings tremendously.

Thanks to all of you who are always here to listen. I really depend on you guys a lot and you never let me down.

Depression

sucks.

More Cymbalta....run-down: Cymbalta 90 mg, Abilify 15mg, Lamictal 200mg
I think thats it.

I'm still really struggling. If I keep myself busy I'm better, but unfortunately, I havent had much to do in the fun category.

I hope the Cymbalta kicks in soon, it was increased from 60mg. My NP told me that this is just a temporary bout of depression and it will go away. I am cycling. I wish it would go away soon, I can hardly function. I left work early 2 days last week because I couldnt take it.

I want to cut or burn BAD. Ive gotten a knife out a couple of times and just looked at it. I started to burn a couple of nights ago and my brother called and distracted me, thank God.

Anyway, I sent my grad school app off. I'm not sure when I will hear from it. I'm ready to get going.

Thats all thats up with me, just crud.

Down

I think the whole wiadom teeth thing threw me for a loop....maybe it was being put to sleep, maybe it was the lortab...not sure, I just know I havent been right since I had them cut out. As far as that goes, everything went fine and the holes in my mouth are getting better.

I'm really down and Ive been trying to self medicate, which doesnt help things. Take my word for it, alcohol and depression dont mix ::::slurp::: Ive wanted to cut or burn, but I have managed so far to avoid it.

I took the GRE today. I have alot of stressor crap going on....tests, job interviews....junk like that makes me crazy.

I am definitely crazy. I am hurting bad. Not suicidal, but getting there fast.

Hate Me (to someone I'll always love)

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

Hate me todayHate me tomorrowHate me so you can finally see whats good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again.I
n my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today.Hate me tomorrow.Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and waveKicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a manUntil I saw your blue eyes cry
and I held your face in my handAnd then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me todayHate me tomorrowHate me for all the things I didn't do for youHate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallowHate me so you can finally see whats good for you