Groggy

Med change: 300mg Effexor, 200mg Lamictal, 10mg Abilify.

Ive been groggy today. I feel like an elephant has sat on my head all day long. I didn’t sleep last night. I guess it was because Ive been taken off the Zyprexa at night…but who knows. I bit the hell out of the inside of my mouth…I curled up in a ball and shivered all night long. I had interesting visual stuff going on. It sucked. I have a bad headache and my allergies are driving me crazy. I had been taking Allegra-D, but I think that added to my weirdness so I haven’t taken any today.

I was going to ride my bike with a friend today, but I decided that I probably shouldn’t ride on the first day of a medicine change. My friend doesn’t really understand. He doesn’t get why my medicine changes so often. Sometimes he tells me that Im not really sick…that the doc has just convinced me that I am. I didn’t really feel like talking about it, so I didn’t.

Im going to try to sleep….see what kind of fun-filled night this will be.

grayscale night

I stumbled through the dark after turning the light off. I fell into the bed, laid on my back, stared at the ceiling. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I began measuring the angles of objects in the room in my head. My mind was going 90 miles an hour, estimating the dimensions including chamfer radii on furniture. I started plotting points on axis of X, Y, and Z. The room faded to grayscale. All I could focus on was the luminosity of the room…the way the light from the moon crept in through the window. I laid there, glancing at the alarm clock. In my head the grays in the room were translated into percentages of opacity of black...God, one too many 3D classes or something. I have this weird thing with calculations lately. What’s up with that? I mean, I always kind of sucked at math.

This is getting ridiculous....

Today was one of those days where nothing was working at my job. Technical difficulties. I came home, went to sleep as usual...woke up at 8:30 and have been crying pretty much non-stop ever since...for no reason...I'm feeling fairly freakish. I burned.

The Unprofessional Wuss

This has been a rough week for me. I haven’t posted here much because I feel like everything I’ve posted lately has been crammed with negativity.

I had a pretty bad anxiety attack at work yesterday. I haven’t had one of those at work in a while. That sucked pretty bad. I shake a lot and get pretty out of it. I came home and passed out for a while. I had a lot of caffeine and no food, so that probably had something to do with it. Its really been a struggle this week to live. Its hard to do simple things, like wash my hair…and I need to do big things like mow my yard and do laundry (sad that those are big things, huh).

I had a little meltdown today, but I covered it up pretty well. I was on edge all day. My emotions are alittle out of control….out of whack to say the least. This afternoon I had a moment of goofiness & my boss told me that I needed to act more professionally. Now, she wasn’t telling me something that was news to me or anything….I can, at times, revert to being about 12 years old and act pretty dumb. For some reason, this totally set me off. I have no idea why. I certainly wasn’t mad at her for saying it. Its true….but for some reason, I lost it….went outside, shed a few tears, smoked a couple of cigs and pulled myself together. Talk about unprofessional! I cant even take criticism without crying about it!!! Good Lord.

You know, I haven’t been totally out of control manic since I was in high school…I was pretty damn out of control. I was taking vitamin shots every week because I didn’t eat and apparently that added to the mania, and I was fairly insane…never slept, bounced off the walls, drove teachers crazy…it was pretty bad. After my boss said that, all I could think was, “if I am unprofessional while Im in a depressed, numb, stupor…I cant imagine what she’d think of me when Im manic.” I’ve thought I’ve been doing good to exist this week with clean hair & some semblance of personality.

I’m frustrated….with this illness, with my job, with everything really. But, hey, what the hell is new. I'm alittle stressed about work right now in general, I guess. I have some new responsibilties & its becoming clear that Im not going to get much help doing a lot of stuff.

I think one of the things that bothered me about the work thing is that sometimes work keeps me somewhat balanced. I take pride in what I do. I’m really good at what I do. I know this. If I don’t know how to do something, I read and I learn how to do it quickly. I like what I do and its important to me that I do it well….really important. My boss is really cool & lets me know that I do good work. I guess I just don’t like the fact that my actions undermine my work. I don’t even know what “acting professionally” means. I don’t think I goof off all the time. I couldn’t or I wouldn’t get work done. I don’t know…guess I need to just get over it and move along.

I wish my emotions weren’t out of control though, its really embarrassing. Thank God, no one saw the tears today.

Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe I can get through it without crying.

biker

before the gun

faith & pain (marker)

hurt (pencil)

nightmare (watercolor)

nightmare

another day

I want to feel something other than numbness. Pain seems the closest feeling from where I am. Goodness feels so far away. Its so easy to let go and just welcome the pain. Its so hard to make myself stay away…to stay numb….emotionless.

Im just really down…because I want to feel something…I want to cut…but Im trying my best to avoid it. Its like the end of the cigarette begs me to use it, to watch what it can do, to feel what it can make me feel.

I feel like something is always wrong with me. I hate how I affect people. I hate that I cant be in a state where emotions are level, normal things…a state where they exist as what they are supposed to be. I hate that my hurt makes others hurt. I try to pretend I’m ok and it becomes too much to bear. It takes all I have to function…to wake up, take my meds, take a shower, get dressed, pretend Im an average human at work, to come home to things that need to be done, to take meds again, to sleep.

I feel like I am just one big complaint. I don’t want to be. Burdens….should be lifted. Life shouldn’t be so hard….such a job…such a pile of shit. Its hard to know me….even harder to like me most likely. Im difficult…that’s a good adjective for me.

FUCK.

Its a Monday...again

After feeling like a weirdo all day long, I had a good night. Seriously, I felt really weird today. Its kind of a scary feeling when you cant read or type…or talk. I was soooo slowed down this morning, it really was scary. I feel better, but its about medicine time, so I am sure to be zombified soon.

I thought maybe some coffee would perk me up, so I went to Starbucks. A cute guy came and sat with me and talked for a while. We went & got something to eat. He was really nice. I am sure I was just great company (do you sense the sarcasm). Its hard to fit in in a social situation when you are feeling as I have today. Anyway, I hope I get to hang out with him again sometime. It was nice to be reminded that sweet guys are out there.

I know, youre all thinking – what happened to D?? Well, I guess we’re still going out on occasion…he’s just sooooo immature. The guy I had dinner with tonight is even younger than D and he seemed to be more mature. D wants to see other people and that’s fine with me. Ive never been one to date more than one person at a time. To be honest, I am looking for someone who wants to date JUST me…someone who wants to know who I am….not someone who is into the variety pack stage of life. I guess I have to play the variety pack game until I find that person.

I hope I am alittle more sane tomorrow. Im going to the doc in the morning.

I feel like a knot on a log

Have you ever felt like a passenger in your own body? If not, I guess that doesn’t make much sense. That’s how I’ve been feeling for the past few days. My body isn’t cooperating with my insides. It’s hell for me to type because my fingers wont go to the right keys, or they are just super slow getting there. I cant read well, my mind just cant go to the next line down on a page…it gets lost. I feel like a passenger – watching in slow motion as my body does its own thing. I feel really dumb. My brain is not working right. I keep forgetting where I put things (hence the cell phone in the yard)…. I don’t like it. I think it’s a medicine thing. I feel like I have to make a trade off – be completely dull & dumb but sane or have my brain working overtime & insane….I wish there was a sane/working brain option. My thoughts are just kind of off the wall, slow, and totally foggy right now. It sucks. I’m not really depressed & I’m not really up, I’m just sort of emotionless…numb…

In my head, In my head - Zombie, Zombie, Zombieee

How old is that freakin song? I think the Cranberries sang it.

Anyway, I feel weird not writing here, so Im gonna make this short and sweet.

I feel drugged today. My memory is shot. I feel stupid. I managed to half way function in a haze all day. I think its the increase of Zyprexa. Ive calmed down, but almost to a hault.

Found my cellphone...in a puddle in my yard this morning...fried...had to get a new one. that sucks.

I took my meds. My arms feel heavy. Ive slept since I got home from work...going back to bed now...I hope I get used to the increase soon...I hate feeling like Im fading. Im just not fully functional...theres just no in between for me.

There may not be much in the form of substance to my writing here for a while, maybe that just comes with the territory.

Still Crazy

I've been toying with the idea of shutting this sucker down for a couple of months now. Sometimes I think it helps me to write....other times it just makes me more aware of how nuts I really am. Sometimes writing a sentence or 2 here every few nights takes all the energy I have. I treat it as a responsibility to myself. Right now Im just not feeling it. I dont know whats wrong with me. I dont want to do this, I dont want to take my medicine, I dont want to go to work....its taking alot to exist. I wish I had something more to share. I just feel weird. I may take a breather...or something, I dont know. Its like I have a reel playing in my head...alarm clock, shower, work, sleep, alarm clock, shower, work, sleep...over and over and over....my life is nothing and I feel like sanity is an illusion, it doesnt exist and I'll never find it. What does writing here accomplish? What does taking meds accomplish? I dont have a clear view of what matters right now...other than God and my family and friends. The substance of my life is cloudy to me right now...I think I just need to relax some, but I cant. Ive lost my fucking cell phone...my only phone, and i swear you'd think that the world was going to end. Ive been in panic mode for the last half hour. Its not like people actually call me, but just the thought that I cant call anyone is bothering me. Time for meds...sleep...alarm clock...work...

Weird, Wild Stuff

I must say that I am feeling quite interesting today. I’ve been feeling pretty weird since about ummmm….Thursday, I guess. I cant even really describe how I feel, but I will try to come up with a little better description than just “weird”. I feel like I’ve had about 5 shots of expresso & some kind of antihistamine. I’m tired even though I slept for a long time yesterday & last night, I’m hyper-emotional to the point of not knowing if I want to laugh or cry, & I’m depressed – but not to the point of being suicidal. I’m pretty anxious too. I’m also having some visual things go on….I feel a bit whacked out to say the least.

I called the clinic to tell them of my wonderful condition, and my meds were changed alittle. Here’s the run down now: 300mg Effexor, 7.5mg Zyprexa, and 150mg Lamictal. I’m hoping that the Zyprexa kind of chills me out tonight. I feel like I need to gather myself. I feel scattered. I haven’t been able to concentrate on work today to save my life. I feel like I have a bundle of creative energy, which is always fun…but when you are seeing tiny bunny rabbits with purple eyeballs, things aren’t right. I haven’t been able to eat much for the past couple of days…that doesn’t bother me so much though since Ive gained about 900 pounds since starting the Zyprexa…but I guess that’s not good.

D. is going to a boxing class tonight & then he’s coming over….poor dude. I hope I chill by the time he gets here. Dean is coming over to try to help me put my foot pegs on my bike….that should be cool. I’m ready to see how they’re going to look.

Anyway, its been a strange day mood wise. You know, I wonder – Do any bipolar people find a med combo that works for an extended period of time? It just seems like things fluctuate often with me…and it seems like we’re always tweaking something. A combo will work for a while and then, out of the blue, things change, so the meds change. I’m just wondering if it will always be like that.

Thanks You Guys

…just wanted to write a note before I head to bed. First of all, I’d like to thank everyone for the emails, comments, etc. about my birthday. It really is strange how close you can become to people you’ve never seen. Anyway, thanks a lot...its very nice to know people care. You guys rock.

It was a good birthday. My friend, Dean, and I skipped out of work alittle early and went to the Harley store. I bought some flame foot pegs for my bike. Theyre gonna look sick. Now we just have to get them on, which should be entertaining. Dean got me a cool Napolean Dynamite shirt. That frickin movie is hilarious. We ate at Outback, had a margarita and a beer….and all was good.

I guess my family members all remembered late tonight to call me. My DAD called me and wished me a happy birthday. He never came to any of my birthday parties when I was a kid…I didn’t even know that he knew when my birthday was…so that was interesting. I missed my mom’s call and my brother chimed in after my dad.

I got home & was flipping through the channels on tv…and I stumbled upon a show on CMT called Crossroads. It was Dave Matthews & Emmylou Harris playing together. It was amazing. Emmylou did her version of John Lennon’s Imagine and it was almost a spiritual experience. I swear, it was awesome. I wish they’d make a cd together. I know it sounds like a weird combo, and Ive never been a country fan…but they totally blew me away together. They did a Johnny Cash cover (that always wins points in my book) & they took turns playing their songs. I wish my frickin VCR worked…Im so in the stone ages.

Time for sleep.

It's My Party

Today is my birthday. I’m 26. A lot of people don’t like their birthdays because they’re older…so far Ive not minded the getting older part. I guess I probably wont like that part eventually, but I don’t really think about it now. I’ve never been a big birthday person… I’ve had some crappy stuff happen on my birthdays in the past, so I definitely never look forward to this day rolling around. However, today hasn’t been bad so far….its been non-eventful. It’s probably the most laid back birthday Ive had in a long time. I think me and my friend Dean are gonna go to the Harley store this afternoon and look at parts for my bike…Nothing like chrome for your birthday! I think we’re gonna try to get in a couple of beers somewhere along the line too. That’s my birthday plans.

D. stayed with me all weekend. I think I try my best to come up with reasons not to like him….maybe it’s a security thing…if I don’t like him too much then it wont be a big deal if things don’t work out. I like hanging out with him. It was nice to have someone at the house…I am used to being alone though, and I get claustrophobic being at the house 24/7 (gotta have BAM & Starbucks trips), so I was kind of needing a break by this morning. I totally had a breakdown Sat. night…poor guy….but he handled it very well and didn’t seem too terribly freaked out…and he stayed, so I guess I didn’t scare him too bad. He really was comforting & didn’t make me feel freakish (although I was thinking that I am very freakish and it was embarrassing). I just don’t want to get used to someone being with me all the time. It took me FOREVER to get used to sleeping alone and being alone in general…and now I’m not sure that I want to get used to someone again & have to go through all that again at this point in time. We’ll see….I’m just going with the flow.

I know I’ve been out of communication the past few days so I wanted to check in and let everyone know that I’m alive, I’ve just had company.