another day

I want to feel something other than numbness. Pain seems the closest feeling from where I am. Goodness feels so far away. Its so easy to let go and just welcome the pain. Its so hard to make myself stay away…to stay numb….emotionless.

Im just really down…because I want to feel something…I want to cut…but Im trying my best to avoid it. Its like the end of the cigarette begs me to use it, to watch what it can do, to feel what it can make me feel.

I feel like something is always wrong with me. I hate how I affect people. I hate that I cant be in a state where emotions are level, normal things…a state where they exist as what they are supposed to be. I hate that my hurt makes others hurt. I try to pretend I’m ok and it becomes too much to bear. It takes all I have to function…to wake up, take my meds, take a shower, get dressed, pretend Im an average human at work, to come home to things that need to be done, to take meds again, to sleep.

I feel like I am just one big complaint. I don’t want to be. Burdens….should be lifted. Life shouldn’t be so hard….such a job…such a pile of shit. Its hard to know me….even harder to like me most likely. Im difficult…that’s a good adjective for me.

FUCK.