The Unprofessional Wuss

This has been a rough week for me. I haven’t posted here much because I feel like everything I’ve posted lately has been crammed with negativity.

I had a pretty bad anxiety attack at work yesterday. I haven’t had one of those at work in a while. That sucked pretty bad. I shake a lot and get pretty out of it. I came home and passed out for a while. I had a lot of caffeine and no food, so that probably had something to do with it. Its really been a struggle this week to live. Its hard to do simple things, like wash my hair…and I need to do big things like mow my yard and do laundry (sad that those are big things, huh).

I had a little meltdown today, but I covered it up pretty well. I was on edge all day. My emotions are alittle out of control….out of whack to say the least. This afternoon I had a moment of goofiness & my boss told me that I needed to act more professionally. Now, she wasn’t telling me something that was news to me or anything….I can, at times, revert to being about 12 years old and act pretty dumb. For some reason, this totally set me off. I have no idea why. I certainly wasn’t mad at her for saying it. Its true….but for some reason, I lost it….went outside, shed a few tears, smoked a couple of cigs and pulled myself together. Talk about unprofessional! I cant even take criticism without crying about it!!! Good Lord.

You know, I haven’t been totally out of control manic since I was in high school…I was pretty damn out of control. I was taking vitamin shots every week because I didn’t eat and apparently that added to the mania, and I was fairly insane…never slept, bounced off the walls, drove teachers crazy…it was pretty bad. After my boss said that, all I could think was, “if I am unprofessional while Im in a depressed, numb, stupor…I cant imagine what she’d think of me when Im manic.” I’ve thought I’ve been doing good to exist this week with clean hair & some semblance of personality.

I’m frustrated….with this illness, with my job, with everything really. But, hey, what the hell is new. I'm alittle stressed about work right now in general, I guess. I have some new responsibilties & its becoming clear that Im not going to get much help doing a lot of stuff.

I think one of the things that bothered me about the work thing is that sometimes work keeps me somewhat balanced. I take pride in what I do. I’m really good at what I do. I know this. If I don’t know how to do something, I read and I learn how to do it quickly. I like what I do and its important to me that I do it well….really important. My boss is really cool & lets me know that I do good work. I guess I just don’t like the fact that my actions undermine my work. I don’t even know what “acting professionally” means. I don’t think I goof off all the time. I couldn’t or I wouldn’t get work done. I don’t know…guess I need to just get over it and move along.

I wish my emotions weren’t out of control though, its really embarrassing. Thank God, no one saw the tears today.

Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe I can get through it without crying.