Still Crazy
I've been toying with the idea of shutting this sucker down for a couple of months now. Sometimes I think it helps me to write....other times it just makes me more aware of how nuts I really am. Sometimes writing a sentence or 2 here every few nights takes all the energy I have. I treat it as a responsibility to myself. Right now Im just not feeling it. I dont know whats wrong with me. I dont want to do this, I dont want to take my medicine, I dont want to go to work....its taking alot to exist. I wish I had something more to share. I just feel weird. I may take a breather...or something, I dont know. Its like I have a reel playing in my head...alarm clock, shower, work, sleep, alarm clock, shower, work, sleep...over and over and over....my life is nothing and I feel like sanity is an illusion, it doesnt exist and I'll never find it. What does writing here accomplish? What does taking meds accomplish? I dont have a clear view of what matters right now...other than God and my family and friends. The substance of my life is cloudy to me right now...I think I just need to relax some, but I cant. Ive lost my fucking cell phone...my only phone, and i swear you'd think that the world was going to end. Ive been in panic mode for the last half hour. Its not like people actually call me, but just the thought that I cant call anyone is bothering me. Time for meds...sleep...alarm clock...work...
posted by Jil at 11:06 PM
3 Comments:
As much as I look forward to reading your thoughts, maybe a break would serve to recharge your batteries. I know many folks would really miss your blog, too, but if you think a break is in order, then that is what you need to do.
Do not sell yourself short--you share a great deal. It is difficult to let the world peer into the inner sanctums of your heart and head, but you have done this masterfully well. You tell your story in a way that enables the folks that read it become aware of slices of life that they can identify with and use to understand themselves better. Who said, "The unexamined life is not worth living"? Well, you make your readers examine those parts of their lives that they wouldn't normally take the time or make the effort to do. So you are sharing plenty, even if you think you are tapped out creatively.
About the cycle of sameness you are in... there are days when I feel like the guy in "Groundhog Day"...it seems as if life is an endless round of constants and repetition. But that's just life--it is like this sometimes. Most of the time I don't even notice it...I just go on with the program. I think something like this is difficult for you b/c you are such a creative person and you get easily irritated at boredom. (it is the curse of your active mind!)
Your meds are helping you function, even tho you feel as if your functioning is at a very low ebb. Just hang on until you get your steam built back up. Have you shared these feelings with your doctor lately? Could it be something to do with the new med levels you are on? Have you had any blood work done lately to check your levels? Maybe you need to go in and hash this out with your doctor.
Don't stress about your phone. It will turn up and if it doesn't, go to where ever you have service and they will fix you up in short order.
I read a nice quote today-- this guy said we should "live our lives in pencil, not pen" b/c things can turn on a dime. You will have better days ahead...just hang on and hang in. God has not brought you this far to drop you now.
5:20 AM
I've been feeling the same way. Like my moods get worse the more I try to concentrate on figuring myself out.
I enjoy reading your blog but if it's becoming a detriment to your mental health, then you will need a break.
This (mood) too shall pass. I understand your frustration completely.
9:44 AM
Why would you want to stop something that gives you an outlet to express yourself? You've got a real gift for writing.
I'm almost 47 & have FINALLY realized that all that matters is God & family & friends.
Relax & smell the roses. I think you're doing just fine.
If you're interested, I've started a webring for bipolar individuals, which I am also. Info is on my blog site.
I've blogmarked your site & will visit again soon. Please keep writing.
12:25 PM
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