Ache

Im hurting.
I dont know why, but I'll show you.
Loveless, restless, wincing as my muscles constrict to the point I lay dying alone for no reason.

My bones crack when I move.
Why does that happen? I feel ancient and oblivious to the fact that I am the
solitary soul that
hears my bones.

My mind has taken total control of my physical being.
I feel the way I feel.
My brain has told the rest of me to
give itself over.
I have been hijacked by myself.

Stabbing. Thats what it feels like.
I toss and turn and breathe harder and harder until my cat meows at me
and I realize he thinks Im the one thats obnoxious.

Hollow and bound, starved and wretched, dry.
It gives me a reason to pray.
I scream out,
call out,
die out.

I have no disease.
I have no disease.
Take this disease.
Take it from me.
clenching my hands, biting my lips, locking my jaws
to try to reason with it.

It stays, conquers me, overcomes my senses,
my mental attributes ran away. My physical self
drowns in the pain.

I cant sleep.
I cant fucking sleep.

Hmmm...

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

Cycling Goodness

Im in the midst of a bit of depression. Ive gone from no sleep to sleep 24/7. More Abilify (22.5mg) I feel like we should all come up with jingles for our meds....like cereal commercials. Silly Rabbits, Abilify keeps you away!
Ok....sorry, I kind of drifted off there.

What else is on my mind: Ive been thinking about doing a mission trip. Where, I have no clue. I guess I am just open to the possibilty whenever it arises. Ive thought about it a good bit over the past few months and a couple of friends have suggested it....so, I'm open to it if thats what the Lord wants to to do.

Does anyone have experience going to other countries as far as taking meds with you, etc. I dont want to get stuck with no meds and get shot on a plane!

IM ADDICTED

to myspace. If anyone else uses it, my page is http:/www.myspace.com/sunraven0
Give me a hollar, as we say down here.

Maybe I'm Cycling

Ok, so the Vistaril started to work after about 2 hours and I was knocked out for the rest of the night. No paranoid moments of waking up, swearing that someone had invaded my house and was after me. That is always good. Maybe I am not heading towards mania. I feel down this morning, but, of course, it could be a vistaril hangover. I have expended so much energy worrying about what it is that God wants me to do, that I am tired from it. I havent been able to sleep until last night though. It was good to finally get some rest. I just wish that taking my meds to sleep didnt have the consequences that it does. This morning I am groggy and ill. I never know how I am going to react to the meds. I only take the Vistaril when I am really anxious. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt. Anyway, I hope the day gets better. So far, its not going so well.

 

I am afraid that I may have some rapid cycling going on. Not good. Either that or I am getting into one of my infamous mixed states. Do any of you have mixed states as dang often as I do? I rarely get manic as hell, but mixed states kick my butt.

 

About C: I think I scared him off. Surprise, surprise. I meet a good guy and he thinks I am a freak. Oh well, guess he wasnt the one for me. Sometimes I doubt that there is a one for me. I think that has a bit to do with the depression that I am feeling today. It sucks when you figure out that someone you like doesnt like you back. Oooooh well.

Overwhelmed

I feel God pulling at my heart-strings. Its such a powerful feeling....very emotional. I cant say this has happened to me very often.

Im just not sure what he's trying to say. Its making me anxious, which most likely makes it harder for me to hear what hes trying to get across. Im having to take vistaril to settle me down some.

I wish I was sure that Im not just going into a manic state. I wish I didnt have bipolar disorder to create doubt in these situations. I cant say that Ive ever had this type of thing happen when I am becoming manic. Its not a usual warning sign.

I feel so ripped to the bone and totally submissive. I guess thats a good thing when it comes to God...its just scary.

Manic?

Up from the pitfall, but now I think I may be sailing too high. Im not sure.

 

Ever feel like God is trying to tell you something, but you dont know what it is? Ive had this feeling for a couple of weeks, but its gotten so strong in the past couple of days that I really get emotional when I talk about it. Ive been praying. I wish God would just spell things out sometimes.

 

Im not sure if thinking about this God stuff is a sign of being manic or not. I dont think that I AM God or that God speaks only to me, so I guess thats a plus. I hate being bipolar. Have a spiritual revelation and you think its possible that you are going nuts.

 

I feel good, but not too good. I am emotional, I am not sleeping well. I was convinced that someone was in my house last night. I took 2 vistarils to sleep. I had weird dreams.

 

Man, I wish things were simple.

Dating Part 10 million

Soooo.... I went out with a new guy Friday night. He is a keeper. He showed up at my house with a rose, we went out to eat, and watched Walk the Line. It was cool. I think hes coming to my grandparents house to eat tomorrow afternoon. We'll call him C. He is a Christian guy so we share a lot of beliefs and thats really important to me. Ive run the course with the guys that dont have that in common with me and it just doesnt work. Ive handed the whole guy thing over to God. I dont pick them very well for myself.

Speaking of dating, I have made a decision. I am not having sex with another guy that I dont love. It doesnt work for me or do anything for me. I kept thinking that if I did it, eventually I would feel something...but that never happened. So Im hanging it up until I am swept off my feet. I think that has a lot to do with my sexual side effects. Maybe they arent side effects of drugs...maybe I just dont care enough about the people Ive been with.

Im excited about C. He's 30. He has a construction company and a 6 year old daughter. Im praying about it. I hope it works out.

Whats Up With Me

Not a whole lot, to answer that question.

I have a date tonight. Im really excited about it. Hes a REALLY nice guy and he shares the same spiritual beliefs with me and thats what Ive been looking for.

To be honest, its hard to find a Christian guy thats accepting of someone that has been gay and is bipolar and has as much baggage as I do. I'm really into this guy...Im nervous. We're going out to eat and watching a movie at my place tonight. (My house is a wreck, which makes me even more nervous.)

Ive sort of snapped out of my slump. Im still a little down, but I feel like I am headed in the up direction, so thats good!

Easter

Ok, so I am alittle down...maybe alot down. I'm about a 3.25 on the 10 scale. I'm sleeping during the day and not at night. My wisdom teeth are killing me. I am just not a very pleasant person to be around.

Today has been a good day though, except for taking a 900 hour nap. I woke up early and went to sunrise service at my church. It was cool. I've never gone to a church that has a community service....different denominations and everything. It was cool. I enjoyed it even though it was WAY early.

I went to see my family and it was good to hang out with them for a while.

Yesterday we had a major family get together and it was kinda fun. Usually lots of people sorta makes me nervous, but Dean, my friend from work, went with me. We went on our motorcycles. He also helped me put some new chrome parts on my bike.

I ordered a new seat and some straight pipes for my bike. I will post a before and after pic once they come in and I get it all on the bike. It should sound really good and be more comfortable. Yay.

I hope I perk up soon. I dont like being in this kind of mood...maybe it wont last long.

Here are some pictures I took at my grandparent's house this morning:

Easter Flowers

Bored

I think I have a chronic case of boredom. I am bored with everything right now. I know I�ve been missing here for a few days; I just have lacked motivation to write. My meds seem to be working as far as my moods go, but I don�t really want to do much. All creativity has gone out the window.

 

I went to the doctor last week and they wanted to check my thyroid. I know that if my thyroid wasnt functioning as planned by the Creator, then it could really screw up my moods. In the back of my mind I was really hoping that it was messed up and Im really not bipolar. However, it turned out to be just fine. I was kind of bummed out about it.

 

To be honest, I was kind of afraid of what it would mean if Im not really bipolar. I guess since I�ve accepted it as something I have to live with, I cant really imagine not having to deal with it. I guess it becomes part of your identity once you have accepted it for a while and it would be strange to have that taken away. Not that I wouldnt like to NOT be bipolar, its just that I am and I guess I am used to it in a lot of ways. That probably makes no sense whatsoever.

 

My friend from work and I have been riding our motorcycles some. Im going to post some pictures. We rode down to the coast this past weekend to check out the Katrina damage. I had not been down there since the storm. It really was a trip. Maybe I will post the pictures this evening.

Bipolar Carnival #3

It's that time again...it's been a wild ride this month for me as a host. Ive really enjoyed reading everyone's posts. I hope everyone learns something from this carnival. I certainly did.

ON THE TRAIN
Many carnivals traveled by train. "Carnies" became like family to one another. I think of the Bipolar blogging community in much the same way. We are different, I don’t think there are any bearded ladies in our group, but we have one thing in common and we stick together to make it through. We all learn different ways to cope. Bp_hockey_chick talks of coping with suicidal ideation, BiPolar guy talks of easing the depression, and Radin speaks of a method to control depression, and how to Just Live. Barb has a 1-2-3 list for Functioning. All of us blog. We’re all trying to cope on the blogging train together.

WHAT A WONDERFUL MENAGERIE WE HAVE!
Menageries of animals are ever present at fairs/circuses. One of the definitions of a menagerie is "a varied mixture". I can’t help but be reminded of the differences between each of us. We all have our own story, and we share them not only for acceptance and therapeutic reason, but also so people can learn from them. I know that I learned from Jane as she told her story in Addict Part I and subsequent posts. BiPolar Guy talks about how some of us over-identify and under-identify with our disease and I really could relate because I am guilty of both. I’ve learned many things from belonging to this menagerie.

IT HURTS TO FALL OFF
We walk many different types of tightropes. We walk them with our moods, trying to stabilize them the best we can. Sometimes we walk them with our docs, as a. tells about in Fun With Psychiatrists. Sometimes we walk a tightrope with our friends and family, as Dreaming Mage discusses in Message to Friends and Family. We have to teach them how to talk to us, as Joel describes, so that someone is there when we do fall off.

DON’T MAKE ME GET OUT THE WHIP
Like all humans, we fight every day, but we have different fights at those in the "normie" crowd. We fight stigma, we fight politics, we fight with ourselves – our moods, money, and insurance…at times we struggle to function at all. I cant help but think of the animal trainer in the cage with a lion. We try to keep our disease at bay…and in the process we have many different types of struggles. Joel speaks of the fight in The Fish That Don’t Make It. Jane also goes on A Rant. Maggs struggles to Do The Right Thing.

JUGGLING
We juggle our moods as we fluctuate. I think DramaPrincess describes it well in On Being Manic and On Being Depressed. Mass Defective speaks of being In My Shell and Broke struggles with sleep. Sometimes the effects of our moods, when elevated, aren’t always bad, as Gen tells in alittle bit o’ mania.

CREATIVITY
Carnivals are all about creativity, as many of us with bipolar disorder are. We have poets, photographers, and other creative geniuses. Daddy Jarbucks makes fractals, and I highly suggest you check them out. Theses are just a couple of examples of folks with the creative bug. If you are one of these people and I don’t mention you – comment, I’d like to see what you do!

Divine Calm – Photography
Joel Sax – Photography
Daddy Jarbucks – Fractals
Dreaming Mage - Poetry
Maggs - Photography

ON TO THE NEXT TOWN

The Carnival of the Bipolars appears on the third of every month. It is hosted by different members of the bipolar and associated communities (i.e., caregivers, sufferers of other mental disorders with affinities towards our disease.) To host this review of bipolar blogging and information, contact gazissax at best dot com.
Information about this and related carnivals may be found at The Truth Laid Bear ÜberCarnival. Opinions expressed in this review do not necessarily reflect those of the editor or of any single bipolar except as attributed.

The May 3 Carnival of the Bipolars will be hosted by manica of Moon Moods.

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