Sunday, November 27, 2005

A Melancholy of Mine Own by Joshua W. Shenk and My Own Melancholy by Me

A Melancholy of Mine Own

I finished reading Unholy Ghost last night and in general, it was a bit depressing and some of it was boring. However, there were about 4 essays in the book that I found interesting or that I related to. One of them was "A Melancholy of Mine Own" by Joshua Shenk. The link above is the text of the essay on Joshua's website. If you have time, go read it...I thought it was really good and I both learned from it and related to it. Actually, reading the essay kind of prompted me to write about my own personal experience with depression...it is so different in each individual's case. Its such a blanket word, no one has the same battles with the demon...yet its so hard to put into words. There really arent words for it...and thats what I related to in the essay....I thought, "finally someone has these same thoughts. There are no words that encompass how it feels to be 'depressed'."

Before I write about my own stuff. I want to also talk about something I learned in Joshua's essay: The the word melancholy comes from the Greek words melan (black) and khole (bile). The essay says that people in ancient times thought depression was caused by excesses of "black bile"...which we know today doesnt exist...but I thought that was interesting.

We use words and metaphors to try to explain how we feel...but sometimes there arent enough words and metaphors cant do the pain justice. I know this from personal experience.

I've had depressive episodes my whole life...no one really thought of them as that though. I was just thought to be a contemplative, sensitive, shy kid when I was very small...and I was all of those things and more.

I didnt cry much when I would get hurt. I would consciously think about it though and cry sometimes because I knew that tears were supposed to accompany pain. I was a tough kid. But - other things bothered me that most kids would get over a lot sooner than I did. For instance, my dog Petey died...I cried for him before I went to sleep for a solid month until I was caught for the last time by my mom. She asked why I was crying and I told her that I missed Petey and that my stuffed pound puppy reminded me of him (I had gotten that specific stuffed dog because it did look like Pete). She grabbed the dog and slung it across the room into the wall and told me to get over it (Im sure my mother would love me telling this story). Anyway, I cried over such things until it apparently made people crazy.

Everyone seems to have a defining moment when the depression really broke through. For me, it seems like it happened during puberty and when my parents got divorced and we moved away from my home town. I didnt care that my parents got divorced, although it was very ugly...but we moved pretty far away from everything and everyone I knew and it through me for a loop.

I could no longer muffle my cries in the dark. The tears where who I was. I cried and cried every single day. I missed 42 days of school. I could not get out of bed. I wouldnt take a shower because I felt too heavy to make it through it. I didnt want to change clothes because it took too much energy. So I didnt. I didnt do anything but stay at home and cry in my bed...and when I went to school, I drank...alot. I drank a screwdriver every morning so my nerves would calm and I had a friend whose older brother would buy us liquor and we would drink jim beam and dr pepper in study hall 7th period. When my parents were home they sent me outside "to play basketball". Basically they didnt want to deal with me and part of me understands now...but I spent a lot of time outside passed out in the grass under a tree. Things have never been the same.

So thats kind of when it all became unmanageable. That was a loooong time ago. I made myself an appointment with a therapist at the urging of my basketball coach when I was 16 and was put on anti-depressants. It was weird though because I was not the picture of the depressed kid at the time, it was something I wore deep inside and the anti-depressants really jolted my mania. I was a bit of a wild child. To be honest, when I was with people I was really fun. It was those times at 3 am when I couldnt sleep or do anything but cry and write that sucked. I was diagnosed as being bipolar soon after.

I've had MANY ups and downs and episodes of all sorts since. I'm also a self-injurer and thats been a pretty convoluted problem it its self...but I dont really want to go into all of that right now,I want to describe, as best I can, how depression effects me now.

Depression puts a veil over me. The sun hurts my eyes and makes me have a horrible headache, but colors are dull. I feel dull in general. I feel waterlogged and every day existence is a struggle. My energy is non-existent, theres nothing I can do to pull myself out of it....I feel like the world is collapsing on me...and I get to a point that I dont care if it does. I feel like I am fading away...that if I died, no one would notice because my existence has faded to nothingness anyway. Food makes me want to throw up...any little amount of it, even if its just a cracker. I feel like I am wasting away because I cant eat. I want to hide because it feels safe. People make me even crazier. If someone comes to visit, I feel nervous and even down right pissed off at them and myself because I feel like a failure in every day tasks...like washing clothes, doing dishes, keeping up the house at all. I cant concentrate to read (which I really hate). Life feels so black, like theres no point in it at all. I feel like a joke. On more than one occasion Ive attempted suicide....and I felt like a loser because I failed at that.

Now that Im on an anti-depressant that works, I dont get as bad as often. I can go to work, even though sometimes I am distracted easily. It seems like out of all of my depressive symptoms the ones that hang around on a daily basis now are concentration issues. I still cant concentrate to read very long. I have to do it in 15 minute intervals....I also kind of have to do that at work. I still have dark days, life isnt always a bed of roses, but its manageable and thats all I can ask for.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Turkey Day


Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone....this is me on Turkey Day. It wasnt so bad though...I actually stayed at the family dinner for 2 hours which is a record for me. Im just not a social person, too many folks I never see were hugging on me and stuff. Dont get me wrong, I have a great family...it just seems like the people you see once a year think they owe you a hug and a kiss and act like they are glad to see you...when, in fact, if they wanted to see you more, its not like they live 100 miles away...or even 50. The food was good...I got to see my family that I hang with all the time and thats always nice, so it wasnt a bust or anything...but Im glad its over.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Fun Quiz....found it on Joels Blog

The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick

You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times.
Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness!

Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

All Mixed Up...again...

I'm in the middle of mixed state hell. Many of you know what that feels like. Its like pent up anxiety and hellish depression. Its weird. My thoughts are going 90 to nothing and my body is on the other side of the spectrum. I was confined to my couch with my mind racing...frustrations about my meds seem to be a theme. I feel crappy...I have the past week or so, its like cutting down the Effexor so much finally kicked in...maybe all the extra is out of my system or something. Anyway, I think I should go back to the other dosage. I dont know, Im not a doctor. I just know I felt better then and cutting it down hasnt helped the sex thing, so whatever. I'm also tired of gaining weight when Im not eating anything. I eat once a day...always have. I eat the same amount I always have, but I seem to be multiplying rapidly....40 pounds this year. Im blaming it on the anti-psychotic. Why do I need that anyway? Sure, I occasionally have some weirdo freakout moments, but not all of the time. Isnt there anything you can take JUST when you have a freaky moment? I dunno, Im frustrated. I need to exercise. I know this...but hell, is it going to do any good...its not like I am intaking more calories than usual or anything. Anyway, other than my medicine issues....I got a flu shot today. When I think about shots, they freak me out. Someone injected something into me...a little dose of the flu! I have a little hole in my arm where it went in and all I want to do is suck it out like its snake venom or something. How weird is that? I feel invaded. Dumb, huh. Anyway, enough whining for the night.

Really you guys, leave some of your favorite books in the book post. Im really liking knowing what yall like to read and it gives me ideas of what to read next.

Some Favorite Books

In no particular order because that would be too difficult:

1 Unquiet Mind by Kay Jamison - A memoir of a bipolar genius. I liked it because I could relate to most of what she went through (other than the genius part). As a bipolar person, I guess it helps to know youre in good company.

2 On the Road by Jack Kerouac - I guess I've always wanted to drift around the country. Theres something thats fantastic to me about catching trains and just being a nomad.

3The Problem of Pain by CS Lewis - The book by Lewis that I have totally understood.

4 Seek His Face He Will Provide by Gayle L. Darhower - By a bipolar Christian and how she deals with her ups and downs and her faith.

5 Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson - Ive never been a huge science fiction fan, but I read Snow Crash and Neuromancer after they were recommended by my virtual reality professor. Its funny and ahead of the game as far as imagining virtual worlds.

6 Neuromancer by William Gibson - Where the word "cyberspace" came from. The dude was seriously ahead of his time.

7 Catcher in the Rye J.D. Salinger - I feel somewhat Holdenish.

8 Anything by William Blake - Im just a William Blake fan...poetry, prose...The Marriage of Heaven & Hell...his art...I like it all.

9 Jurassic Park Michael Crichton - So much better than the movie. I read it in 7th grade, a few years before the movie came out. I was really disappointed by it. Its not a kid's book like the movie ended up...its really scientific and interesting.

10 The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux - Im also just a Phantom fan...always have been.

11 Trout Fishing in America by Richard Brautigan - WAAAAAAAY out there....thats what I like about it. Its a fun, interesting read...alittle Kerouac/Burroughs -ish...its wild...opium...angels in the outfield of a baseball game....doesnt get any better.

12 Amazing Grace by Kathleen Norris - I keep this by my bed and re-read parts of it all the time. Its an awesome book of essays...I learn something new everytime I re-read something.

13 The Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris - Ive also always wanted to live in a convent for a while. Im not Catholic but the traditions are really awesome to me.

14 Into Abba's Arms by Sandra Wilson - I FINALLY found this on amazon, but I havent ordered it yet. It really helped me with a lot of healing. Ive read it twice...would read it again.

15 The Noonday Demon: An Atlas on Depression by Andrew Solomon - REALLY interesting view on depression. I related to most of it. The chapter on addiction was kind of boring, I skipped a lot of it, but the rest was really good...its just LONG.


How's that? :)

Sunday, November 20, 2005

sunday night blues

Anyone ever read UnHoly Ghost: Writers on Depression? My mom got it for me. I cant decide if I want to read it yet, seeing as how I dont need more depression than whats already taken hold lately. If you have, let me know if its safe. If not, I'll put it up until I am feeling alittle more on the sunny side of things.

I finished The Problem of Pain tonight. I must say, it makes it onto my favorite books list. I'm still digesting it and re-reading things I underlined (which was quite alot).

I need some book recommendations....come on, post a few.

I went to the Alabama/Auburn game yesterday. How depressing was that. Oh well....still got a bowl game to go to I guess. I just felt bad for my brother, he is a senior this year...so it was his last regular season game and they pretty much got totally embarrassed.

I'm kinda yucky tonight, but I think its because I forgot my meds this morning. Its really amazing how that screws me up. I slept really late because we didnt get home from Auburn until the wee hours of the morning. I tend to forget my meds when I sleep late because my schedule is totally thrown off. Basically, I suck at taking meds on the weekends because I dont have the same routine I do during the week.

Its only like 8:30 and I think Im going to bed soon. I may try to watch some dumb tv. This day was basically worthless. I did nothing. I tried to clean up the mess I made cleaning out my closet when I was wired...but I didnt get much done. Thats what sucks about being bipolar. You make a mess of shit when youre manic and you dont feel like doing anything about it when youre depressed.

I must say that I am doing better handling the depression. Most people wouldnt know it I think, unless they were around me 24/7. My mind is just mushy...if that makes any sense whatsoever. I feel slow, worn, I hurt all over, thoughts are too confusing to actually make sense of because it feels like it'd take too much energy.

Maybe I'm just in a little slump.

Friday, November 18, 2005

pain

Well, I’ve been kind of crappy this week. I haven’t felt good physically….I have sinus crap going on & my brain is just funky. I’ve even taken Vistaril during the day hoping that it would calm me down…..It’s an irritable thing, not a wired thing. I have anxiety and it makes me cranky. I feel alittle better today, but I am still just tired and somewhat ill. I just feel the darkness creeping in again and it’s a terrible feeling. It sucks when you feel like that….like youre doomed. Hopefully I will perk up some. I have moments when I am ok, and then I start sinking again. I call it the quicksand phenomenon.

Digibril made a comment about one of the CS Lewis quotes. It’s a quote that I like and have a hard time with at the same time. I know that makes no sense, but I wanted to talk about how I interpret it and another quote that I really liked. I still want to write more on the book overall, but Ive been thinking about writing this for a while.

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

This is the one I like that I also find hard to deal with.

God whispers to us in our pleasures….I guess to some people that’s self explanatory, but I think that can mean a couple of different things. I think it could be he whispers loving things to us and it can also mean that we don’t hear him well while things are going good because we think we dont need to. He speaks in our conscience….the rights and wrongs of everyday life….and he shouts in our pains. I think that’s the toughest thing to understand. Does God shout at us and make us hurt because we are bad? I don’t think so. I think the best way to think about a loving God letting us feel pain is that it happens to bring us back to him. Kind of like I said before….sometimes we don’t hear what God has to say when things are all happy and grand.

I think God uses my pain to talk to me. He’s my comforter, my only light in the darkness, and the only way out of the pit I find myself in. Why do I find myself in the pit? Well, I think that’s a question we’ll all have to ask frickin Adam & Eve. I think it has to do with the fall of man. When that happened, we became conscious of ourselves as self and God as God….only then were we able to experience pain. So what the heck does God have to tell me that’s so important that he’d allow me to hurt so bad? Hmmm….I think it can be different things. He tells me that he loves me and will help me through it, he tells me that I cant do anything without him, he tells me that I have to trust him, and I think that kind of leads to the next quote.

"[Pain] removes the veil; it plants the flag of truth within the fortress of a rebel soul."

I like this one because it’s true. Pain makes us see the truth. It makes us see how earthly the earth is and how holy God is. It brings us to our knees and shows us that we are weak and that God is strong. I think that’s what is meant by the fortress of a rebel soul. You don’t get much more rebellious than Ive been….and its taken a lot of pain to wrangle me in…and I don’t think God is above doing that…using pain to bring us to Him. He’s doing us a favor by doing that. He’s saving us. Hurt alittle on earth….hurt a lot in Hell? Anyway, I just understand how truth relates to pain and pain to truth because Ive experienced it myself. We all have. We all hurt. We asked to see the truth in the Garden of Eden….and now we see it….and its not always pleasant.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Today is not the greatest day Ive ever known

-
Today is the greatest
day Ive ever known
Can’t live for tomorrow
Tomorrow’s much too long
I burn my eyes out
Before I get out

I wanted more
Than life could ever grant
Bored by the chore
Of saving face

Today is the greatest
Day I have ever known
Can’t wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I’ll tear my heart out
Before I get out

Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
I’ve tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings

- "today" by the Smashing Pumpkins



I havent written in a while. Things have been fairly good until the past day or 2. I've been pretty busy, D has been at my house a good bit, Im still going to my brothers ballgames...stuff like that.

I went to see my NP the other day. No changes. Still 10mg Abilify, 200mg Lamictal, and 150mg Effexor. I was hoping something could be done about the sexual stuff, but I guess not. I am hoping it gets better with time. I dont know. It sucks, but its feel somewhat "normal" or be able to have an orgasm. I guess if I was depressed as hell 24/7 it would be just as difficult for that to occur, so its a no win kind of thing. Cant feel decent in life and feel good that way, it seems. Shit.

Im having a hard time right now...just the past couple of days. I am really irritable and teary. No reason why...just am. Im just tired of everything. I dont know what I could do to make myself feel better. I am just not interested in daily life at the moment. I dont want to sleep, I dont want to be awake, I dont want to work, I dont want to do nothing because I cant relax....just not good. No reason.
I havent cut or burned yet, but Ive been thinking a lot about it. Ive decided that if I do it, it will have to be in a place where no one can see the scars. Im tired of answering questions about the scar on my arm from the last time....basically I have no answer for it, so I just kind of dodge the question with some off the wall bullshit that no one believes.

I went to Starbucks last night...had some apple cider and read some of my book, but I couldnt just chill out....just wanted to cry, but I dont think that would do any good. I am feeling kind of empty. I am praying about it alot, but I dont feel any answer. I guess I just keep praying and hoping.

QUESTIONS FOR THE MENTALLY ILL

I got this from Blondzilla's blog, which apparently came from Manica and was possibly on broke's blog. I didnt come up with it....just thought it was cool when I saw it elsewhere. Thought it was a good way to explain some stuff.



What is your diagnosis?Bipolar Disorder

When were you diagnosed? 1st time when I was 17 (9 years ago), once again when I was 20, and the last time about 2 years ago or something like that.

How long do you think you have suffered mental illness? Since I was about 13.

What medications are you taking for your illness? 10mg Abilify (anti-psychotic), 200mg Lamictal (mood stabilizer), 150mg Effexor (anti-depressant)

Tell us about an episode.
I mainly suffer from the depression side of the illness. I get so down its hard to get up in the morning, and even on meds I sometimes have these days. Its hard to do small things like brush your teeth and take a bath. I've gotten to where I cry a good bit when I am down, I didnt cry for many years, so I guess its built up or something. I want to crawl under my covers and die. Ive attempted suicide 3 times. Ive never been hospitalized, but Ive needed to have been.
As far as mania is concerned, I dont sleep. I shake alot, am jittery, eventually really irritable. I clean alot. I organize stuff obsessively (especially my record collection).
I cut and burn myself on occasion. When I am depressed and I hurt myself its usually to make myself feel something because I feel so numb and gray. If I am manic, I do it to bring myself down...its a warming, calming thing.

Do you feel ashamed of your illness? Sometimes. I hate it all the time though.

What advice do you have for other sufferers?
Learn to know yourself and what situations can lead you into an episode, one way or the other....get out of the house if you feel depressed...even if its just out on your porch. That always helps me some. Have some sort of plan for if things get bad....and have good friends who care and help you out when you sink or fly off the handle.

What advice do you have for those who don't suffer from your condition? Dont freak out if someone you know has a mental illness....we're just a bit different. Learn about mental illness before you pass judgement.

Is there anything you want to say to Tom Cruise?(1)You suck (2) keep your opinions to yourself (3) I bet you have a little weiner.

Quotes from CS Lewis' The Problem of Pain

This is what Im reading right now....Im going to write more about it when I finish it, I have 2 chapters left....but I found a site that had a few quotes from the book & I thought I'd share them to give an idea of what the book is about.

"If the universe is so bad...how on earth did human beings ever come to attribute it to the activity of a wise and good Creator?"


"Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness."


"Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them: but Love cannot cease to will their removal."


"When we are such as He can love without impediment, we shall in fact be happy."


"When God becomes a Man and lives as a creature among His own creatures in Palestine, then indeed His life is one of supreme self-sacrifice and leads to Calvary."


"If we will not learn to eat the only food that the universe grows...then we must starve eternally."


"Everyone feels benevolent if nothing happens to be annoying him at the moment."


"Unless Christianity is wholly false, the perception of ourselves which we have in moments of shame must be the only true one..."


"The 'frankness' of people sunk below shame is a very cheap frankness."


"We have a strange illusion that mere time cancels sin. But mere time does nothing either to the fact or to the guilt of a sin."


"It is by human avarice or human stupidity, not by the churlishness of nature, that we have poverty and overwork."


"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."


"[Pain] removes the veil; it plants the flag of truth within the fortress of a rebel soul."


"We regard God as an airman regards his parachute; it's there for emergencies but he hopes he'll never have to use it."


"It matters enormously if I alienate anyone from the truth."


"Those who would like the God of scripture to be more purely ethical, do not know what they ask."


"[God] is not proud...He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him."


"If God were a Kantian, who would not have us till we came to Him from the purest and best motives, who could be saved?"


"Tribulations cannot cease until God either sees us remade or sees that our remaking is now hopeless."


"Those who would most scornfully repudiate Christianity as a mere "opiate of the people" have a contempt for the rich, that is, for all mankind except the poor."


"Every uncorrected error and unrepented sin is, in its own right, a fountain of fresh error and fresh sin flowing on to the end of time."


"Heaven offers nothing that a mercenary soul can desire."


"Be sure that the ins and outs of your individuality are no mystery to Him; and one day they will no longer be a mystery to you."


"God will look to every soul like its first love because He is its first love."

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Beginning

Falling down is easy
It’s getting up that’s tough
I’ve never been a strong one
But when I cant you lift me up
When I feel numb
I let you know
You hold my hand
And never let me go
I’m so tired of running
Scared that I will become
what I was before
Wound up in my own head
You pick me up
before I hit the floor
I’m so tired of running
I’ll give it to you
Youre my only strength
When I cant see through
The darkness that covers me
Deep in the night
My only light is you.
Cover me up
Let me breathe you in
Heal all the memories
And what I have been

Thursday, November 03, 2005

100 things about me

1. I played little league baseball when I was 7-11 years old.
2. I have eaten various bugs for no reason at all.
3. I fell off the toilet when I was 5 and busted my head open, I have a scar through my left eyebrow from it.
4. When I was little my imaginary friend was Woodstock from Peanuts.
5. I wrecked my first car a week after I got it (83 Mercury Marquis).
6. I failed my driving test
7. I ate potatoes every day for 2 years because that’s all I knew how to cook.
8. I used to spray paint my name on bridges in high school. I lived in a very small town and my name is Jil with one L, so it was a bit obvious who the vandal was.
9. I lived outside of my house 75% of the time in 7th grade.
10. I once unplugged my dads freezer which was full of chicken and he made me eat it when it went bad.
11. I don’t like chicken.
12. I’ve bought crack before but never smoked it.
13. I was the only white kid on my basketball team in 7th grade.
14. I made All-State and All-Star my Senior basketball season.
15. We won the state championship in basketball my Junior season.
16. I used to wear shorts on my head to dairy queen on Wednesdays before watching basketball films.
17. I threw some chicken at a man in dairy queen and hit him in the head.
18. Led Zeppelin is my favorite band of all time.
19. I once was crowd surfing at a concert and fell on a glass bottle and cut my back up.
20. Ive been on stage with Iggy Pop.
21. I met Carlos Santana when I worked at a music store in TX.
22. Ive lived in TX, CA, and I’m from Mississippi.
23. I once sold Ben Affleck some speakers at Radioshack.
24. On my eighteenth birthday, we went to Panama City and had strippers.
25. …and I got my belly button pierced
26. ….and I bungee jumped
27. ….and I got a tattoo
28. I have 8 tattoos
29. Ive had 6 body piercings (my belly button, nipples, neck, nose, eyebrow)
30. I have no body piercings now, except my ears…which were once 00 gauge.
31. I used to wear a padlock in my ear in high school
32. I was the mascot in high school
33. I was voted wittiest every year in high school
34. I once rollerbladed down a very tall slide on a playground.
35. The only bone Ive ever broken was my finger in 1st grade when my mom closed the car door on my hand.
36. I’ve done a lot of drugs
37. I don’t do drugs any more.
38. I once got drunk and talked to an armadillo that I named Arnie.
39. I can put a cigarette up my nose and blow smoke out of my mouth
40. I can eat matches and blow smoke out of my nose.
41. My degree is in Software Engineering.
42. I can build & program computers
43. I can make video games and virtual tours.
44. When I was little I thought my pointer finger was my middle finger
45. I took dance lessons when I was little and we did a dance in front of a bunch of people that required using your pointer finger.
46. I used to show cows.
47. I used to show pigs.
48. I don’t like Quentin Tarentino movies….except Pulp Fiction.
49. I love Kevin Smith movies.
50. I want to make movies.
51. I started playing the guitar when I was 12.
52. I suck at playing the guitar.
53. I have a dog named Marley, after Bob.
54. I threw a platter at my cousin once and she had to get stitches in her head.
55. I have to have a light on when I sleep.
56. I got hit in the eye by a boy when I knocked his hat off playing basketball.
57. I got thrown across a parking lot by the biggest girl in the country.
58. I’ve been out of the country a few times.
59. I can speak alittle Spanish.
60. I remember lyrics to songs very well.
61. My nickname in highschool was Lump
62. My cousins call me lij.
63. When I was little I used to write backwards.
64. I will eat anything.
65. I have been in love once
66. I was in love with a woman
67. My first job was mowing lawns with my own lawnmower.
68. I’ve worked making snow cones, in a movie theatre, in multiple music stores, in a couple of restaurants, in an art licensing agency, doing virtual tours in New Orleans and now at a state facility for the mentally retarded.
69. If I could afford to live anywhere, it would be Santa Barbara, CA.
70. I love to snow ski.
71. I have skied the bowls in Breckinridge and Copper Mountain in Colorado.
72. I ate soap one time on a dare, I was drunk and then proceeded to throw a cat over a house.
73. I collect records.
74. I collect giraffes.
75. I have more toys than most children. I like toy motorcycles, action figures from movies, and other weird stuff.
76. I have been known to cut and burn myself.
77. I have a high pain tolerance.
78. I draw and paint….and sometimes sculpt.
79. I have a Harley Sportster.
80. My Harley lives in my living room.
81. I have to be forced to wear makeup in formal situations.
82. I haven’t worn a dress, except for in my cousins wedding, since my Senior prom.
83. I didn’t drink at my Junior or Senior Prom.
84. I watched Bambi with a guy I was dating after my Senior Prom.
85. I’m Bipolar.
86. My first boyfriend was Jeff Venable in kindergarten.
87. My first kiss was with Bo Russum in 4th grade. It was terrible, he pretty much just licked my face.
88. I was 20 when I lost my virginity.
89. I’ve met Sevendust and The Bloodhound Gang.
90. I dated a drug dealer that passed out in a porta-potty at a concert and slept there over night.
91. I tripped on acid and talked to an old lady with Alzheimer’s while I watched the paintings dissolve behind her and I thought I understood her completly.
92. I used to be convinced that there was a 4th dimension in the world that only I knew about.
93. I’ve been bitten by a snake.
94. My brother is my best friend.
95. I don’t have friends my age.
96. I’ve seen drag queen performances more than once.
97. I got kicked off the cheerleading squad for wearing a football uniform to cheer in during a pep rally in 5th grade.
98. The first time I got stoned I didn’t really know it until I bought some slim jims, an ice cream snickers bar, a Cadbury cream egg, and some Pringles.
99. I once convinced a friend that her hair was on fire when we were stoned and I told her to stop, drop, and roll….and she did it.
100. I have 400 gigs of music on my computer….and I know the lyrics to most of the songs.
101. I hit a cow in a stolen vehicle (I stole it, the cow didnt)

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

More High School Poems

I think I was depressed alittle :)

I Dont Know Why

i sink down in my own darkness
and breathe in restricted thoughts
i visualize lifelessness
cant find what i have sought

i cant hold my head up
ive lost reason to live
alone in silence i am stuck
to live the way i live

please just look into my eyes
take a real look at me
caught with a speechless sigh
then forget what you've seen

but i dont want to hear you
i dont need your jumper cable
there is noone there for you
i would be but im not able

catch my tear if you want to
drop it if you dont have a hand
if i dont see you another day
know me and understand

my face was always painted on
my life was just a show
it just lasted way too long
and we all have suffered so

quit trying to hold me
im deaf to things outside my head
maybe i am crazy
or the opposite instead

maybe its repressed anger
its not repressed anymore
i am yelling in the faces of strangers
i stopped keeping score

you ask me why i do not scream
and why i cant seem to cry
everythings a dream to me
and my eyes have long been dry

God if you havent noticed i cant put the past away
i cant stand what I've been living in
and i cant talk anymore to say
i hate what was and will be again

come on just let me go
i want to feel the high
because i am forever low
so now i say goodbye

Blame

Take it all away
Change my name
Look at me a different way
Take what I know
Take what I did
Steal it from where I keep it hid
Take it all
Change everything
The lies that boil in a common spring
Take my heart
Change it please
There is so much that you can't see
Strip it down
Take it all away
so I can face another day
Take my soul
whats left of it
Throw it in the darkest pit
Take it all away
Stop this game
Take your time
I'm to blame

I

I have been
a sailing ship alone on beautiful seas,
an angry wave beating the shore unmercifully,
a frolicking dolphin jumping towards the sun's rays.

I have heard
"you have to change,"
"maybe it's your fault,"
"I don't know you anymore."

I have been
screaming to deaf ears,
drowning in the sight of a crowd that can't swim,
laughing at a joke that's on me.

I have heard
"I wouldn't have a kid like that,"
"I don't like this new, weird, you."
"Why can't you just be NORMAL."

I have been
as far from normal as possible,
a guitar string broken at the beginning of the song,
an angelic voice that burst into song when the world sleeps,
an undiscovered universe that's right under everyone's nose.

I have heard
"you'll never make it,"
"you're not good enough,"
"you wish........"

And,
I wish
to shock a world that knows it all,
to be an uncommon sense,
to giggle at the look on humanity's face
when they finally know what I've understood all along.

Insignificant Things

I scream insignificant things from the depths of my soul
I hope to escape the unoriginality that captured me
I want to feel love
These walls are hard to break
I want someone to know me

I shake my head to try to force the demons out
I watch a tear fall into the hidden river beneath my feet
I want to run free
These chains are hard to break
I want someone to look beneath my veil and see me

I lead a peripheral life
I roar and no one seems to hear, or either they don't care
I want to treasure something
These walls are hard to break
I wish someone could entertain me

I seek and do not find
I leap into a crowd that doesnt catch me
I want to understand and be understood
These chains are hard to break
I want someone to beleive in me

I listen to the loud pathetic silence
I frequently repress myself
These walls are hard to break
I want someone to speak and hear me

Untitled

As I lay between
restless tosses
I wonder where you are
what youre thinking
if youre dreaming
if I'm ever there with you

My eyes close
sealed with sticky tears
of frustration
of desperation
or damnation

and I dream
I dream sometimes

Beyond my senses and comprehension
it must be more
a door that opens
nevermore
a thought that stays
forevermore
of you

My lips close
confused
too confused to
ever speak again
There are no words
that I can say
That will express to you

I wonder
what youre thinking
Are your thoughts as simplistic
as mine are convoluted
or as convoluted
as I wish to be simplistic

My eyes open
drowned with tears
of hopelessness, restlessness
because I don't know
where you are
who you are
what you need or want
but I know what I have
and what I can give
and its killing me