Today is not the greatest day Ive ever known
-
Today is the greatest
day Ive ever known
Can’t live for tomorrow
Tomorrow’s much too long
I burn my eyes out
Before I get out
I wanted more
Than life could ever grant
Bored by the chore
Of saving face
Today is the greatest
Day I have ever known
Can’t wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I’ll tear my heart out
Before I get out
Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
I’ve tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings
- "today" by the Smashing Pumpkins
I havent written in a while. Things have been fairly good until the past day or 2. I've been pretty busy, D has been at my house a good bit, Im still going to my brothers ballgames...stuff like that.
I went to see my NP the other day. No changes. Still 10mg Abilify, 200mg Lamictal, and 150mg Effexor. I was hoping something could be done about the sexual stuff, but I guess not. I am hoping it gets better with time. I dont know. It sucks, but its feel somewhat "normal" or be able to have an orgasm. I guess if I was depressed as hell 24/7 it would be just as difficult for that to occur, so its a no win kind of thing. Cant feel decent in life and feel good that way, it seems. Shit.
Im having a hard time right now...just the past couple of days. I am really irritable and teary. No reason why...just am. Im just tired of everything. I dont know what I could do to make myself feel better. I am just not interested in daily life at the moment. I dont want to sleep, I dont want to be awake, I dont want to work, I dont want to do nothing because I cant relax....just not good. No reason.
I havent cut or burned yet, but Ive been thinking a lot about it. Ive decided that if I do it, it will have to be in a place where no one can see the scars. Im tired of answering questions about the scar on my arm from the last time....basically I have no answer for it, so I just kind of dodge the question with some off the wall bullshit that no one believes.
I went to Starbucks last night...had some apple cider and read some of my book, but I couldnt just chill out....just wanted to cry, but I dont think that would do any good. I am feeling kind of empty. I am praying about it alot, but I dont feel any answer. I guess I just keep praying and hoping.
posted by Jil at 11:07 AM
5 Comments:
I'm definitely feeling the same way today Jil. You're not alone, and I guess neither am I.
Thanks.
7:51 AM
I really appreciate the honesty in your blog it has been a great encouragement and insight. Is there any resources, information, tools or online groups that you think would be beneficial to those living with bipolar disorder? I am beginning to create a website called www.bipolartreatment.com and want to do my best to ensure that it is useful. Thanks for everything.
Sincerely,
Ryan
5:35 PM
The CS Lewis quote below-"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."-does it apply here? I can say that I am deaf with pain's yelling and so maybe I understand what you are going through. In the depth of despair you can hear a peace calling. It's outside, not in. Call to it.
7:15 PM
digibrill, I was going to write about that quote specifically in a post. Ive been thinking about it alot. I think of all of the things Lewis said in the book, that quote could be the most confusing to people.
7:32 AM
Ryan, shoot me an email at sunraven0@comcast.net about your website. I was starting one at one time and I havent done it yet, maybe I could help.
Glad you like my blog ;)
8:23 PM
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