Randomness
This just came out of my mouth, �The worst thing about being bipolar is the medication.� I was really saying that in regards to sex. Im in the same old sexual situation that I�m in most of the time - no orgasm - ever. Damn.
Anyway, after that came out of my mouth, I really thought about how ironic it is that the little things that keep us sane are also the things we hate the most. I hate taking meds. Sex sucks. My body is rapidly multiplying, but Im sane - somewhat anyway.
I try to remind myself of all the good reasons to stay med compliant, but the side effects suck. There are 2 or 3 side effects I have that I hate. My moods seem to be pretty stable. I feel pretty good other than having fatigue issues. But those few things that are negative are important to me too. What the hell can you do about it?
I guess its sort of like choosing to do anything though. Theres always the plus and minus to every situation in life. I guess we are all bipolar in some form or fashion, especially if you think of it in the Christian sense. The Bible says we will always struggle with our �old crappy� selves and our �new, shiny� selves. (Like my Biblical interpretation?)
I guess I am having issues with both (meds and religion) and thats why theyre on my mind. I want the fun things out of life. I lose the good/bad battle far more often than I should. I want to be sane. I want to function normally. I want the highs. I want to enjoy sex. I want to be good. I want to help people. I want to do drugs. I dont feel like I am following God�s will for my life.
I hate these struggles. I know we all have them, but this stuff is really weighing on me right now. Why is it so easy for some and so hard for me.
I had this dream last night that stuck with me. I fell asleep in the middle of prayer (which unfortunatley happens a lot with me) and I dreamed that there was this old man in overalls digging a big ditch and he looked at me and said "I dont have to dig to know everything about you." I dont know what that means, but it woke me up and I realized I'd fell asleep during my prayer. I dont know what that has to do with any of this, but I felt like sharing it.
posted by Jil at 7:29 AM
6 Comments:
Personally, I tossed the religion and kept the meds. Nonetheless, I emphathize with you, even on the sex thing. The side effect of the meds is lack of sexual interest. You still have the ability to do it, but you just can't sustain the concentration.
Mention this to your psychiatrist. There may be a workaround. Don't give up.
6:51 PM
The funny thing about believing in God is in knowing that he has a plan for your life.
One that simply involves you being the best person you can be... however that happens.
For some it's a struggle, for others it's not, for some we never get it right...
But as long as you're the best person you can be, and you're not harming anyone else, you're right where you need to be.
12:38 AM
Hmmmm...
Try different meds. I'm on zoloft and lamictal and i can get off.
why are things so hard for you? for any of us? Because it's who we are. and it fucking sucks.
i feel really trapped right now.
8:03 PM
I have come to the conclusion that struggling with my beliefs is part of my bipolar. I think bipolar causes it. I don't know because I don't remember ever not being bipolar though, lol. Hope that made sense. I always want perfection out of myself though I know it is impossible. I think that I should "go and sin no more" if I was as faithful as I should be. Yet, we are not created perfect. We are born into sin and only saved by the blood of Christ. That is how I believe anyway. When I am down though I have a hard time concentrating on that. I also go through periods of thinking that being a child of God's my mind should be sound and I shouldn't have to rely on medications to help me. I will pray for you. Don't be hard on yourself. Keep taking your meds. We get a false sense of them being of no use, when truthfully things would be a lot worse without them. God bless.
9:37 PM
I've never tried to figure out the God/bipolar issue. I just don't think it would ever make sense to me. When I was a Christian, God didn't cure my bipolarness.
I hear you about all the side effects. But I'm like you, without meds, I'd be dead.
10:59 AM
God & Bipolar?
The way I see it, in the great scheme of things-eternity and all, our whole lives pass in the blinking of an eye. So all of our little (or big) ups and downs are likely lost in the big picture.
On the other hand, I'm sure God knows every thing about us, watches us screw up, loves us just the same if we're good or bad, and in the end it won't really matter if we were bi anything.
And if this dosesn't make sense, neither does trying to figure out God.
Personally, I'd trade meds with Joel. I can deal with a lack of interest-it's not getting through that bugs me.
Amen Dan.
And Maggs, where do you get off complaining:)
Teressa, being good enough for God was always an issue with me. The bisexuality was more of an issue than the bipolar. I let it come between me and God.
Oh well, if everything was perfect here, what would we look forward to when we die?
6:46 PM
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