Restless

Ever feel like you need to be doing something...you want to do something...but youre not sure what...and youre restless...but you have no energy...no creativity...no drive...life feels stagnant...boring...and you don’t wanna be bored...but you cant do anything but wallow in what life has become...

Maybe Ive had so many changes in the past year and a half, that when things are calm and “normal” it feels weird. Life isn’t exciting at all. Nothing is new. My senses are so dull...nothing is bright. I don’t really think Im depressed because I feel the need for things to perk up...most of the time when I am depressed I have no hope at all. I have hope, I guess Im just impatient...restless, discontent, impatient, and flat.

Thou madest us for Thyself, and our heart is restless, until it repose in Thee.
-Saint Augustine

Love & Depression

Everyone has been depressed at some point in their lives….it just usually doesn’t last as long as it does for some of us. I think depression can certainly be a result of the loss of something…love, a job, etc…but I don’t think that loss is the only cause. I can feel down about nothing, and I am sure that other people are the same way.

I agree that depression can destroy relationships with others and definitely makes it hard to be alone with yourself. There are times when Im really depressed that I actually want to be around people...even if I am feeling alone in a crowd, sometimes just the human interactions around me can help take my mind off of things. I often feel removed from life around me when I’m like that tho.

Does love protect the mind from itself? Well, I can love people and still be depressed as far as friends and family go. I don’t stop loving other people. However, I rarely love myself...and that has a lot to do with my depression. I tend to be less affectionate with my family when Im really depressed. I don’t want people to touch me.

I get wrapped up in the meaninglessness of life and everything else from time to time and that also adds to my depression. Many times I do feel insignificant, and I feel like everything else is insignificant too. I try to focus on the fact that God has a plan for me…I’m here for a reason…and who am I to question it? I pray that God’s will for me will be done, but sometimes the human nature in me just wonders - Why the heck do I have to go through this life? Why does anyone?

Love doesn’t always help depression. I’ve been in love twice, once with someone I had a relationship with for a long time, and the other I was just friends with in school (I never told him). Love helps depression, but it definitely doesn’t cure it…and depression was one of the root causes of my last break-up. I just wasn’t able to hold up my end of the bargain...I slept too much, couldn’t help around the house, tried to self-medicate…and although there where other reasons, my depression was a big part of it…I never fell out of love…I just felt like no one should have to have the turmoil of having me around…and I couldn’t handle the turmoil of anyone else. Maybe it was selfish? I don’t know – Sometimes I just feel like I need to save people from having to be around me.

In high school and during my first year or so in college, I was in love with a friend that had gone to school with me for a while. That love, in itself, was depressing because I felt I wasn’t good enough for him…..had too much baggage...so I never expressed any interest other than friendship.

For me, loving myself is really difficult. I go further down the spiral when I can’t do things around the house, enjoy things like painting or drawing, etc. I am hard on myself about a lot of things – past & present. Sometimes my depression focuses on the past, other times its the present…sometimes I don’t feel like Im doing “what I should be doing”. Sometimes its focused on every little thing I hate about myself, sometimes it’s a depression that seems to have no cause or focus whatsoever.

Everyone in the world can love you….You can be in love, love your family and your friends…but when youre sick, that doesn’t mean the depression will be or can be cured by love. For me, sometimes it has a lot to do with how I see myself, but that doesn’t mean its that way for everyone.

However, whether or not love helps depression in some way shouldn’t even be a question. Sometimes the love of another or giving love to another can be the only light in the darkness. I am lucky to have people that love me in spite of my weirdness and I have great family and friends that I love a lot...thinking of them has definitely kept me in the game of life more than once.

I guess that’s my 2 cents…if it means anything.

Noonday Demon

Ive just started reading a book called Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon. So far it makes a lot of sense to me. I want to share the opening of the book....

"Depression is a flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair in what we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair. When it comes, it degrades one's self and ultimately eclipses the capacity to give or receive affection. It is the aloneness within us made manifest, and it destroys not only connection to others but also the ability to be peacefully alone with oneself. Love, though it is no prophylactic against depression, is what cushions the mind and protects it from itself. Medications & phychotheraphy can renew that protection, making it easier to love and be loved, and that is why they work. In good spirits, some love themselves and some love others and some love work and some love God: any of these passions can furnish that vital sense of purpose that is the opposite of depression. Love forsakes us from time to time, and we forsake Love. In depression, the meaninglessness of every enterprise and every emotion, the meaninglessness of life itself, becomes self evident. The only feeling left in this loveless state is insignificance."

I thought that was interesting. I feel better today. Ive slept the weekend away, which is a bit depressing...but at the moment I am feeling fairly well, and had enough energy to do dishes and a few other chores that were driving me insane. I hate when I need to do something and it drives me crazy...but I just dont have the energy or motivation to do it. I hate that. But - thankfully, I have had a little spurt of energy after sleeping from about 3-8. A 5 hour nap should make anyone feel better. I guess.

Anyway, I am still thinking of the passage from the book. I want to write my feelings about it, but I want to think about it alittle more before I commit to an opinion.

The Clod & the Pebble

Love seeketh not itself to please,
nor for itself hath any care,
but for another gives its ease,
and builds a heaven in hell's despair

so sang a little clod of clay
trodden with the cattles feet,
but a pebble of the brook
warbled out these metres meet:

love seeketh only self to please,
to bind another to its delight,
joys in another's loss of ease,
and builds a hell in heaven's despite

-- william blake

....a little down tonight...just feel alone.....
goodnight.

A Few Thoughts On Heaven

It seems that in the past month, death has been a subject of conversation looming over me (and all of us with the passing of the Pope).

Today I learned that a person very close to me is being taken off of life support after suffering a seizure. He had 2 heart attacks following and has been in a coma for the past few weeks. My best memories of this man are times we spent in his garage. I’ll never forget the many conversations we had over a pack of cigarettes. He always had very wise advice. I will also always remember how accepting he was of everyone. I never heard him say a bad word about a soul. He accepted and loved me – tattoos, piercings, and all. He was family. I will miss him very much & I know his family has suffered a major hole torn in their hearts.

It seems that as though, when we are left behind, all we can do is remember the good things about the person who has gone on. However, I think we also need to remember where they are going on to if they know Jesus.

All any of us know about Heaven is what is said in the Bible. The one thing I know for sure is that we’ll be praising God for all eternity and that we can’t begin to fathom what it will be like.

My opinion of heaven doesn’t mean anything…it’s just what I like to think it will be like. I think that being in God’s presence will be more than we can ever imagine. I’ve seen some cool things in my lifetime…I’ve been on tops of mountains, I’ve been under the sea, I’ve seen the beauty of the desert…I’ve seen some amazing things….but all of those things are earthly… and all of those things, and the feelings I felt while having those experiences, wont be able to compare to the beauty of God and heaven. I think we’ll be overcome with emotion…all of the great things we experience on earth, births, graduations, weddings, excelling academically, occupationally, or in sports….won’t hold a candle to the perfection of heaven. I also like to think that we will be filled with the knowledge of God’s plan and what our purpose was on Earth. I think all our questions will be answered and we will be filled with the deepest sense of comfort. We’ll be home and we’ll finally “get it”.

On a less serious note…I hope you can fly or ride motorcycles in heaven and I hope you can go as fast as you want to without being scared. I hope you can eat all the sweets you want without getting sick. I hope you get to feel the adrenaline rush that you get from bungee jumping. I hope we know our family members…even the ones we’ve never met. I hope I can meet Jimi Hendrix, Elvis, Janis Joplin, Einstein, and Van Gogh. I hope you can sing and paint and play musical instruments perfectly. I hope we understand physics and math. Just some fun stuff….

Anyway, not too long ago I was working a Bipolar workbook, and it said to make a list of all of your reasons for living so that you have them when you’re feeling like checking out is the only option. I’ll post mine some time.

Strange Obsessions

I dont really have much to say, but I wanted to stop in here because I want it to become a habit.

Ok, so maybe I am alittle OCD. Its 11 pm and I just got back from WalMart. I was needing an Elvis movie fix and I thought surely they'd have something on dvd. Well, my friends, dont go to walmart if youre freakin out for an Elvis movie...they dont have any! That is just a travesty. I've just recently become fixated on Elvis movies. I have no idea why...however, it is driving me nuts that I didnt find any. I have some strange obsessions...think thats the BP in me? Or am I just weird anyway?

I obsess over vinyl records too. Usually I get fixated on a certain year and I have to find records from that year...sometimes its a certain artist, but most of the time I concentrate on finding things from a certain year. I like making lists of the ones I want...then I go nuts on EBay, or spend 2 hours in an antique store rummaging through a unorganized mess of record chaos. Once I get them, everything has to be put in alphabetical order by artist, then by year. Yep, I get freaky about it. The chaos at the antique store has often made me ponder volunteering to help them organize everything! Like I have nothing else to do! Seriously, I think about it every time I go in there.

Anyway...just wondering if any of you fellow BP folks out there share this weirdness with me...

Im hoping that one day I'll have something of great importance to share here...but not tonight ;)

Doodles

Funny

I read this on a blog recently:

WHENEVER YOU FEEL LOW,DEPRESSED OR USELESS,REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE THE SAME SPERM THAT WON A BATTLE AGAINST A MILLION OTHERS

I just thought that was kind of funny.

Career Turmoil

Lately a few folks have brought up the effects that Bipolar has had on their careers. It seems many bipolar folks I know have woken up one day to find their careers in shambles. I can totally see how that’s possible.

I’ve lost a couple of jobs due to the disease, but thankfully I was young enough to where it didn’t really effect my “career”…they were sales jobs I had while goofing off as a youngster. One time I had a meltdown while living in another state & woke to find my family staring down at me. They took me home and I didn’t have a chance to even tell the people I worked for at the time. I later called and apologized, citing health problems as the cause of my disappearance. Another time I just walked out on a job & quit. I had been having a tough time, after deciding to quit taking meds…and I just couldn’t handle working in a stressful environment. I quit and started working at a laid back music store and everything was ok. It just isn’t in my “normal” personality to just walk out on a job.

For the past few years I’ve managed to work without any significant problems. Thankfully, I work somewhere that I can take off if I am unable to function. I miss a good bit of work doing the doctor circus act, and I had a stint where I couldn’t wake up & I was late a lot. I also had some serious anxiety attacks before my meds got straightened out. These days things are pretty stable tho, which is a very good thing.

Working has been a big part of my life since I was young. I started mowing yards when I was 11 or 12 and have had a job of some type ever since. I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t work. Do I think Bipolar is a disability? Yes…for some people its much more of a disability than it is for others. I rarely feel disabled, but when I do…it sucks because you have no control over it…most of the time I don’t feel that way for an extended period of time, and I’ve been blessed enough to find meds that work pretty well. However, when I was not taking medication I had a few periods of time in my life where I was really unable to do much of anything other than freak out. I didn’t want to be around people, dealing with stress made me want to crawl into a dark cave and live there for the rest of my life, I was so anxious and sped up at times I couldn’t remember what I was doing (which sucks when you are responsible for counting down drawers in a sales job), I wanted to sleep my life away…or I couldn’t sleep at all. I just couldn’t do much other than try to chill out at my house, which was depressing in itself.

I can relate in the sense that I have been in those dark places where daily living is the biggest, overwhelming chore known to mankind. Brushing your teeth takes all of your energy, you don’t eat, you don’t sleep…youre too up or too down...its horrible. I have just been fortunate that I was young enough when I dealt with those things that it didn’t have lasting effects on what I wanted to do career wise….so far…I just pray everything stays stable.

Brian's View

Here is what my friend Brian has to say on the matter:

Ahh, yes, the agony and the ecstasy....but especially that ecstasy. Someone
wished for the creative hypomanias. What I would give to be a 6.7 on a 0-10
scale of depression-mania, with 0 being suicidally depressed and 10 being in
full galloping, interstellar overdrive, rip-roaring mania.

I have bipolar-I. Right now, I am stable, thank God and Lithium, or probably
just God for creating such a remarkable element. Several years ago, I
adamantly professed a certain pride in being of the enlightened bipolar
clan? Like Kay Jamison's "Touched By Fire," I was convinced that it gave me
supernatural powers and prowess. I do know this: Having bipolar disorder
enables me to have a bottomless well of empathy for the full range of human
emotion. I do not stigmatize against others, regardless of mental
faculties, race, sexual orientation, or socioeconomic background. People
who do stupid things, act like morons, or act out of ill will toward others
or the world in which they live are another matter. I think it might be
possible that bipolar disorder has afforded me a more highly magnified sense
of what constitutes right and wrong, but then again...my parents instilled
that in me very well also.

I know what ecstatic, incredibly creative and highly productive mania are
all about. In some very real ways, I highly value the experiences I've had
dealing with the vagaries of this illness. However, I have come a long way
since those heady first few posts of mine to Pendulum, back when my optimism
was still strong.

Bipolar disorder has impaired my development as a human being. It has
sabotaged my schooling and my career, my passion as it were, repeatedly
throughout my teenage and adult life, most recently just last fall. It has
negatively impacted or destroyed what few romances I have had, and impeded
the development of others throughout my life. It has almost ruined several
friendships and darkened most others. Finally, it is undoubtedly the reason
why I have not found some measure of self-sustainability, even though I have
a Master's Degree.

This leads directly into the hotly debated issue of functionality and
disability. I have a disability; there is absolutely no question about it.
Bipolar type-I is a severe, persistent major mental illness. I go through
periods of quietude, wherein the illness sleeps and/or the meds work well.
However, and this is key, I still have bipolar disorder. I still think
differently. My brain is still hard-wired very differently from those who
do not have this illness. I do not think linearly, but rather in spirals
and zigzags, or figure eights, or other non-linear pathways. I am always
highly distractible and might as well have ADHD. I obsess on stuff
regularly. I forget stuff every day, leaving untold thousands of dollars
worth of merchandise and whatnot in the ether of disappearance over the
course of my life. The effects of the illness upon my daily functioning
blur together with the side effects of the medications I take, making it
difficult to know which is which and what to do about it.

Bipolar disorder is a "Hidden Disability." When I'm functional, even if
only slightly, it is not readily apparent at a glance, or in a short
encounter. When it is sleeping, I appear to be perfectly fine, in a
long-haired, liberal-bordering-on-radical-sorta way. I have periods of very
high functioning, when the greater portion of my intellectual creative
ingenuity is expressed and I accomplish great things, even original ideas.
But I've still got it, and it is a sleeping monster, a Demon that I must
confront in some way or another most every day. It is always in my mind and
thoughts. I once had the opportunity to help co-facilitate a couple of
Disability Awareness Workshops near where I live. What the Federal
Government considers "Disabled" is, quite frankly, bullshit. The world I
perceive has been, is, and always will be vastly different than those
without this illness. While this might make me a bit more unique, it is no
longer desirable, for when I do become sick again, something that has come
to seem inevitable eventually, I become totally disabled and completely
incapacitated. At this point in my life, I am sick of being sick with this
monstrous illness.

If I were to be granted a cosmic choice, I would choose to not have bipolar
disorder in an instant and never, ever look back in longing for it. I don't
get those ecstatic, LSD evoking manic surges anymore. All I get now are the
tortures of the bipolar depressive damned, and I have had it with this
illness. Go, Lithium, GO!

What Doesn’t Kill Us Makes Us Stronger

A post from someone with Bipolar Disorder, stated that they thought that they would not have survived life without the disease. This has given me a lot to think about. Sometimes I wonder if some of the things I have survived were root causes of the disorder. Now, I know that this is a brain disease, a biological disease, but the nature vs. nuture thing still bothers me. Perhaps environment had an effect as far as the depression goes? I guess I could ponder this, which science has no answer for as of yet, all day long and it would do no good….but I guess the post got this in my head.

Could I have survived without BP? Hmmm….I think the disease has always provided me with a means to escape the world. In fact, it’s given me my own strange universe in my head. All my life I have reverted to this world when I couldn’t bear the one I live in…and sometimes it has enveloped me into it without my consent…so I definitely wouldn’t mark this one in the “benefits” category without first taking that into consideration.

I have some strange coping mechanisms….a few of them aren’t healthy….I have no idea if that has anything to do with my illness….but healthy or not, I’ve found ways to make it through some pretty terrible things. When bad things have happened in my life, I could go into my little world…way far from reality, and escape the things that I couldn’t handle, yet at times it’s been difficult to snap back into the world we live in when things are normal.

I certainly think that being bipolar gives me incredible energy at times and I think it certainly injects a few creative juices. There are times I have wanted to die, but I’ve taken the anger, frustration, and pain out on canvas or written about it and I’ve been soothed. Perhaps BP does give me tools to soothe my soul when I hurt.

From reading online, I’ve discovered that BP is 20% fatal. That means 2 out of 10 of us don’t make it. Ironically, the same disease that allows me to survive in times of trouble can also strip me of any inkling of sanity to the point of killing myself. Could I survive without it? Can I survive with it? I believe it gives me coping mechanisms and also forces me to use them.

Anyway, I am surviving at the moment and I guess thats what matters. I feel like I am on an up-swing, and I’m glad. I think I’m due one. We tried cutting my Zyprexa in half to 2.5 mg and I was crazy as hell in about a week, so I’ve been taking the full 5mg for the past few days. You wouldn’t think it would make that big of a difference, but I guess it did.

I don’t think that I would’ve survived with the disease much longer had I not done the medication thing. I was at a breaking point and even while figuring out meds I’ve had MAJOR low points….but I’m rating my mood at a 5.75 out of 10 today, so I guess its all good.

Again…unable to answer my own question…..just rambling….

To Be or Not to Be?

2 days in a row! I’m on a roll.

Sticking to the subject of my bipolarness, for some reason a question reared its head in my brain as I started to write: Would I choose to be bipolar if it were a choice?

First off, as I continue, I must say that I am certainly not speaking for the whole kingdom of the Bipolar….these are just my brain ramblings…...Also...this is NOT an "I have" or "I am" discussion that some folks like to get in a wad about.

Given little time to think the question through, the answer would be an adamant “No”….quick and simple. It would be nice to be a “normie”….not having to deal with figuring out meds & taking them. I guess a lot of normal people have to do that too though. Not having to try to wade through the depression would be the best part of being normal, I suppose. I would venture to say that most normal people don’t think of suicide all the time…and fewer have planned it out, or actually attempted it. That would be the #1 thing I’d give up, no doubt about it. I can think of nothing good about being depressed.

However, I think it’s important to keep in mind some of the “benefits” of this disease. Not many diseases have benefits! There are definitely aspects of the illness I’d choose to keep.

Not all bipolar people are artistic, but I personally like the creative energy that God gave me. I’ve read TOUCHED WITH FIRE: Manic Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament by the genius, Dr. Kay Jamison, and I do think that if I weren’t Bipolar, I probably wouldn’t be as creative….but who knows! I’ve never been normal, so I don’t have the experience to compare it to! I like to paint and draw and write….I think sometimes that the bipolar view of the world aids those things.

Hmmm…let’s see….I also like the occasional “sensory overload”. Most of the time I really enjoy the times when I really, really notice sounds, smells, and the world seems bright. The best is sensory overload on a motorcycle! There’s a place I ride that sometimes really smells like sawdust and for some weird reason it’s a really comforting smell to me (yes, I’m a weirdo)….I like being able to inhale and feel the breath go through my entire body. Also, there are days when a human touch can make my day. Now – don’t get me wrong – this phenomenon can also down right drive me nuts! I notice the sounds of fluorescent lights in my office, if my faucet is dripping in my kitchen (2 rooms away) I cant sleep because the sound drives me up the wall, sometimes someone touching me makes my skin crawl….but, all in all, the good is worth it. I have no idea if all people who have this disease experience life this way, but there’s nothing better to me and I wouldn’t trade it. I also like sensory overload on the beach, or anywhere calm really. I notice the grains of sand, the sounds of the birds, the ocean, the smell of the water. It’s pretty cool.

Ok, that’s enough, my brain hurts. Basically, I can’t answer my own question….I guess theres no reason to answer it anyway…there isn’t a choice involved. More Later.

Oh yeah, comments are always welcome.

Observations of an Illness

I’ve been slacking here quite a bit. I really haven’t had the motivation to write (or do much of anything else for that matter). Even at the present, I don’t feel like I have anything really profound to say. I guess I feel as if a little dose of realism of my life needs to be interjected here….most everything I’ve posted up to this point has just been little glimpses, mostly of the past.

A friend of mine also has a blog where he shares a lot about his life, and recently he’s written about dealing with Bipolar Disorder. After reading some of his recent posts, I felt like its high time I discuss my experience with the disease.

Instead of taking time to talk about how I got to the point of being diagnosed with the mood disorder (some of the poetry here can kind of give you an idea of the things that have plagued my brain for most of my life), I am deciding to talk about the here and now and how I experience life on a daily basis.

A small dose of history: I was diagnosed with Bipolar I, for the third time, about a year and a half ago. I was diagnosed for the first time when I was 17, but couldn’t accept it & didn’t want to take medication. I was diagnosed with depression at about age 16 I guess, but if I think about it, I battled with it for a very long time before that. Anyway, to make this short & sweet, I suppose I finally decided that something had to change. I had to find some way to make life bearable, and I knew I needed help. After the last diagnosis, I think I have finally accepted the fact that this is a disease that I will just have to live with….and if taking medication will truly help, what have I got to lose?

Here are a few observations that Ive obtained while living with being Bipolar:

1. As much as I’d like it to – medicine isn’t going to completely cure me….theres always going to be something weird going on that most normal people don’t have to deal with. There is no cure for Bipolar Disorder…its just something I have to learn to manage with the help of meds.

2. Sometimes mania is really fun & sometimes mania sucks BIGTIME. I think most people think it’d be cool to be manic….its kinda like taking drugs without having to break the law or buy them! When I am manic, lots of times I can get a lot done…work, cleaning, artwork, you name it – Im highly productive. I paint a lot when I am up and for a while its really fun. However, there is a down side….lots of time my attention span isn’t to be envied, I start all sorts of things & never finish them. Also, I suppose there is the sleep issue. When Im up, I don’t sleep much and eventually that makes me pretty dang no fun to be around. I think that most of the time I’m high, it eventually turns to a kind of mixed state where I cant sleep, Im pissed off, and depressed. It feels like Ive taken a boatload of NoDoze or something.

3. Depression Sucks. For me, as someone who has a depressive disorder, one of the hardest things about it is that its hard for a lot of people to understand how you can be depressed about n-o-t-h-i-n-g. Family & friends can ask “whats wrong” and don’t understand that you have no reason to be depressed…no good reason…you just ARE. Thinking constantly that you’d be better off dead SUCKS. There are times when the thought is a constant fixture in my cranium. I don’t want to think like that, I just do. Thankfully, medicine has helped with that a lot.

Anyway, theres my 2 cents for the day. I’ll try to keep up around here. My energy level & motivation haven’t been on the upside for a while now, but Im really going to make an attempt at writing more.