What Doesn’t Kill Us Makes Us Stronger

A post from someone with Bipolar Disorder, stated that they thought that they would not have survived life without the disease. This has given me a lot to think about. Sometimes I wonder if some of the things I have survived were root causes of the disorder. Now, I know that this is a brain disease, a biological disease, but the nature vs. nuture thing still bothers me. Perhaps environment had an effect as far as the depression goes? I guess I could ponder this, which science has no answer for as of yet, all day long and it would do no good….but I guess the post got this in my head.

Could I have survived without BP? Hmmm….I think the disease has always provided me with a means to escape the world. In fact, it’s given me my own strange universe in my head. All my life I have reverted to this world when I couldn’t bear the one I live in…and sometimes it has enveloped me into it without my consent…so I definitely wouldn’t mark this one in the “benefits” category without first taking that into consideration.

I have some strange coping mechanisms….a few of them aren’t healthy….I have no idea if that has anything to do with my illness….but healthy or not, I’ve found ways to make it through some pretty terrible things. When bad things have happened in my life, I could go into my little world…way far from reality, and escape the things that I couldn’t handle, yet at times it’s been difficult to snap back into the world we live in when things are normal.

I certainly think that being bipolar gives me incredible energy at times and I think it certainly injects a few creative juices. There are times I have wanted to die, but I’ve taken the anger, frustration, and pain out on canvas or written about it and I’ve been soothed. Perhaps BP does give me tools to soothe my soul when I hurt.

From reading online, I’ve discovered that BP is 20% fatal. That means 2 out of 10 of us don’t make it. Ironically, the same disease that allows me to survive in times of trouble can also strip me of any inkling of sanity to the point of killing myself. Could I survive without it? Can I survive with it? I believe it gives me coping mechanisms and also forces me to use them.

Anyway, I am surviving at the moment and I guess thats what matters. I feel like I am on an up-swing, and I’m glad. I think I’m due one. We tried cutting my Zyprexa in half to 2.5 mg and I was crazy as hell in about a week, so I’ve been taking the full 5mg for the past few days. You wouldn’t think it would make that big of a difference, but I guess it did.

I don’t think that I would’ve survived with the disease much longer had I not done the medication thing. I was at a breaking point and even while figuring out meds I’ve had MAJOR low points….but I’m rating my mood at a 5.75 out of 10 today, so I guess its all good.

Again…unable to answer my own question…..just rambling….