Mother’s Day & A Cup of Hypomania

I hope all you mothers out there had a great mother's day. I went to visit my mom, grandmother, and aunt. It was good and the food at my grandmother's always rocks. I used to really not like mother's day, but it's cool now because it reminds me of all the awesome women that I have been fortunate enough to have in my life. I love my mom. I used to be really bitter and angry with her. I guess I finally realized that parents aren't supposed to be perfect and they quite often screw up. I guess I kind of avoided my mom for a few years…ok, a lot of years….and at different times in my life a couple of ladies have stepped up and kicked my ass when needed (which is still quite often). Through family crisis, high school stupidity, alcohol, drugs, different lifestyle choices, the biggest breakup of my life, SEVERE mental breakdowns, spiritual conflicts – when I couldn't talk to family, there have been a couple of "moms" I could count on…that pull ed me through, kicked my butt, and made me keep going. They made me make choices that I didn't think I could make, listened when I cried, fed me, and gave me a place to stay when I didn't have anywhere to go. When others gave up on me, they didn't. They bandaged wounds – physical and emotional, called doctors when I refused, pulled pills out of my pockets, and one even whopped me upside the head a couple of times (I deserved it, I am sure)!! Even though I frustrated the hell out of them, made them cry, drove them insane – I can still count on the ones that have been there with me, and I love them like they gave birth to my sorry ass!

 

Totally different note: I haven't slept in like a week. Mania is fun for about 3 days and then it sucks. I'm taking meds for my stupid foot (I have a month left of taking those) and an occasional Lortab for my 2 frickin abscessed teeth (did I mention I have to have a root canal and an extraction in the same day next week…uuuggghh). Anyway, the meds apparently keep me up. My NP told me the other day that they could make me manic. She was right. I cant find any Vistaril, so I guess I need to call and get another prescription. I sleep about 2-3 hours a night. I feel like CRAP. I am tired and frustrated!

Unsettled

I never in my life thought I would say this, but I miss home. I worked so hard when I was young to get out of my hometown. I hated it growing up, and I have no idea why I have the need to be there now. I guess its different now that I have gotten older. Ive patched things up considerably with my family in the past few years, after spending years of avoiding them as much as possible. I don't know why I want to be there right now, but I do.

 

Ive thought about us moving back. There is a facility like the one I work at now located in my hometown, and I don't know of anyone there that does residential house plans there, so J would be able to do his own thing. Im just not sure he would go for it. It is where my family is, but its farther away from his. It is closer to Jackson, and there are more opportunities in our field there also. We could buy a bigger house there for a better deal than we could here. I don't know.

 

I'm not sure why I am hating where we are. Maybe I am not happy with any place. It seems like every time I settle somewhere I feel the need to root up and take off. Ive been here longer than I have stayed anywhere since I left home. I don't feel like many people here really know me. The ones that know of me have some warped idea of who I am….which happens most places I go, I just feel like I've been here for a while and haven't made many connections outside of a couple of friends and Jeremy, of course.

 

I have some weird need to be with the people I grew up with. I have reconnected with a few friends from home through the wonders of myspace and facebook. I'm sure I will get over this weirdness soon. Another thing is that I feel like I don't have much time left with my grandparents, and I'd like to spend more time with them. Maybe its my peter pan complex or something, I have no idea. I just want to be with my family and the people who have known me since I was a kid. Theres some sort of authenticity or something that I want.

 

I feel used here. Most people don't take the time to know you, they want to know what you can do for them. I think its like that most places. If you work hard at work or at school, you are just pushed to work harder, faster, and more is put on your plate…but if you start off as a lazy ass, you aren't expected to do crap and you get by anyway. I guess thats life. I don't know, I feel like J and I are both taken advantage of at school. I think the school thing is out the window for me. Maybe I am just not good at letting people in. I vote we move to a cave in like Minnesota or something. Are there caves in Minnesota?

 

Anyway, I've lived a few different places. I've traveled a lot. I always thought I wanted to be far away from home, making lots of money, having lots of fun partying….I just don't feel that way now. Don't get me wrong, if I won the lottery, I would move my whole entire family to the west coast….no doubt. But, they aren't there so that's not where I want to be right now.

Falling Apart, Literally

Ok, what the hell happened to my seventeen year old body and what the hell is this thing it has been replaced with. I swear I haven't even reached 30 yet and my body is totally revolting.

 

Yesterday I went to the podiatrist. Yes, the podiatrist, like an old person. I guess its better than the proctologist, but it made me feel old just the same. My 86 year old grandpa is the only other person I know that has to go to the podiatrist. Anyway, my stupid foot has been hurting for about a month and a half. BAD. It hurts to even barely touch the inside of my left foot. It kinda looks alittle funny and its swollen. I almost knocked Jeremy in the head one night because his foot accidentally hit mine when we were going to sleep. Not good.

 

Let me also say that I do not do anything other than sit my ass in front of a computer all day long. Work, school, home – I am always in front of the computer. I do not run marathons, or even walk down the street unless it is completely necessary. This is why my seventeen year old 6 pack abs have turned into a case of snack packs or something, but that is a story for another day.

 

The foot doc asked me if I remember doing something to my foot and honest to God, all I can think of is having the worst leg cramp of my entire life the night before my foot started killing me. The next day my whole entire leg and foot was sore and my foot just got worse. How completely stupid is that. I have to be the only person on earth that can injure themselves in their sleep.

 

He said that he wants to x-ray my foot, but he wants to wait until the swelling goes down. He thinks that the leg cramp "flipped" the tendon in my foot and I just have really bad tendonitis from it getting agitated. Nice, huh. Anyway, I have to go back in a week for an x-ray. Until then I have to wear this stupid wrap thing on my foot that makes it hurt like hell. I really cant put any weight on it now, and because of that, my knee on my other leg is hurting. Good God, I need to borrow my grandpa's electric scooter and get it over with.

 

In other non-foot news, we stayed up alllllllll night working on our final project for our virtual reality class. It is due today. At 3 am I said, screw it and went to bed. Mine is not finished. I have no clue what time J came to bed, but it was way after 3. I, of course, woke up at 5:45, again, like an older person, and here I am. I am tired and ill, I have to go to work, my project is not finished, and my foot freaking hurts. I give up.