Another Night

UUUgggghhh, still here. The past couple of days have sucked bigtime. I got up the nerve to call the doc to tell them I feel like shit & they just send me to be evaluated to see if I need to be inpatient. That’s always a boat load of fun. They always ask the dumbest questions. What do they expect you to say? Yes, please put me inpatient, that sounds great? If I don’t want to be there, I’m smart enough to answer their questions the “right” way. I just don’t get what good it would do if I did stay there, there’s no miracle happy pill they could give me, or I’d be the first in line. I’m in such a hopeless space. Theres nothing anyone can say to make me feel better. I’m supposed to call someone when I am feeling like I do at this very moment, but what good will that do? It just makes people worry, which makes me feel even worse about myself.

Today the lady I see about meds (who is very cool, thank God), upped my Effexor and Lamictal….we’ll see what happens. I know Im not doing very well when Im analyzing everything she says…just thinking that she is nice to me only because she wants to keep me alive, not because she really likes me. I hate when I do that….but that’s what I do to everyone when I feel like this…I have this internal conversation going on with myself the whole time. No one REALLY wants to have anything to do with me…they just feel sorry for me because Im a freak.

I feel like kittens that some evil person put into a bag and threw into a river…gasping for air, swept away by the current.. I’m just trying to keep my head above water….no one can help. Its so frustrating.