Father's Day

I wasn’t going to write about Father’s Day…too predictable…but I can’t help it, I guess. I didn’t go see my dad. I probably should have, I kind of feel bad for some reason, even though I can’t really remember the last time I did go see him on a father’s day….I was probably 14 or so….and I went because I had to. It seems like in the past year we’ve sort of mended some things…alittle anyway….I guess that’s why I feel bad that I didn’t go.

I have only a few good memories of my dad growing up. He was a hard man….he was mean. I was afraid of him my whole life until recently…and he can still scare the shit out of me. His voice can send shivers down my spine.

Here are the good memories I have of him: #1 He used to drink his coffee in his tighty whities at the kitchen table in the mornings and I thought that was funny. #2 One time we were on vacation at the beach and I got caught in an undercurrent and he pulled me up. #3 When our dog, Petey, died he cried (the only time I’ve ever seen him cry). #4 When we’d wake up early to go to the state fair to show cows, he’d stop at a gas station and let me get a honey bun and the good kind of chocolate milk. That’s it. The rest of my memories of him aren’t so good.

It’s weird to be an adult (if that’s what you’d call me); you see your parents in such a different way. My dad was always stocky and strong…his hands and arms seemed huge to me. He’s a pretty short dude, but I always thought of him as being big. Now he’s really skinny and seems pretty frail or something….I mean, he’s still strong, he works like crazy, he’s just not big. He seems human these days….thats weird.

I read something about forgiveness. It said that forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to want to have lunch with the person you need to forgive; it just means you work everyday to forgive them a little more than you did the day before. I guess that makes sense….it’s still hard though. I’m trying to be nice to him and it seems like he’s trying to be nice to me…so that is 900 times better than how we’ve been for the last ummm…12? years of my life. We didn’t speak for years; he got married without even telling me…it was pretty bad. It’s still tough, it might always be tough…but I guess I can try to forgive him a little more than I did yesterday & one day maybe the thought of having lunch with him wouldn’t be as scary.