Sunday nite blues

Well, meds still haven’t kicked in. I took an extra zyprexa tonight because I was becoming scared of myself again. I don’t know if it helped…Im not sleepy anyway, but I’m also not hanging in my closet or drooling from taking a bottle of Excedrin (which is all I have, Im not sure if it would work, but it might if I took it with the rest of my zyprexa?) But – I’m making it. I had a pretty good afternoon. I visited with my grandparents and my brother. I got in the pool for a little while and I felt better. My brother is so funny, most of the time he’s the only reason I make it through this junk. Today was his birthday. His cds had been stolen out of his truck, so I bought him a new cd case and tried to burn all of his cds for him to fill it up. I thought about him as I was inspecting the medicines I have…and I quit looking. I seem to just go downhill about 8 pm. This has been the worst weekend I can remember as far as my moods go. Saturday was awful….the whole day. Tonight is bad, but not as bad as Saturday. My legs hurt where I burned them. I cant walk without the burns rubbing on my pants. I haven’t done anything that stupid tonight, but Ive thought about it. I wish the Effexor would kick in. I just cant seem to shake off this darkness. I don’t want to leave the house, I don’t want to be around people, I only feel safe under my covers. I can tell I have weird energy since the Effexor was upped, but its not good energy….it may have nothing to do with the meds, I don’t know. Man, I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I would go inpatient if it wasn’t so expensive…its like $1000 a day, not counting the doctor visits. I cant afford that. I’d be paying for it forever…and the thought of that depresses me more. Im not sure it would help anyway. Talking doesn’t help. I have nothing to talk about. I just cant stand myself because I feel like this…that’s my only issue at the moment. I don’t know what to do really. Im just hoping that someday soon I’ll wake up without this dark cloud following me.