The Birds & the Bees
A Day in the Life of My Sexual Frustrations
Man, I talk about stuff here that I wouldn’t say to anybody. That’s ok though because writing this crap makes me feel better.
I am frustrated, not because of a lack of sex….but sex in general frustrates me. Not good, you are thinking….you’d be right. I’m also just totally confused as far as my sexual identity goes…also not good when you are 26 years old.
Heres the deal: I’m pretty much gay, I think. However, I am a Christian and I believe that being gay is not a good thing for me. Soooo, I’ve tried my best to turn the light switch and live the life of a straight person. This has not been the best experience. Guys and me just don’t seem to go together. I wish that weren’t the case. I’d love to be a straight person. I wish it was possible for me to just put girls out of my head and be done with it. But- I cant. So, I’d rather be celibate than do something I think is wrong or try to fake it and be with guys.
Heres what I don’t get about guys:
I don’t get guys that are sexually selfish. For me, sex is all about the other person…making them have an enjoyable time. The last guy I was with told me to “do my thing to take care of myself and he’d do his to take care of himself.” I don’t understand this. That’s not the point of having sex with someone….if I wanted to just “take care of myself”, I could do that all by myself without having to deal with him. The best part about the whole thing is focusing on the other person…if you do that, you aren’t focusing on your own end result, and things just happen naturally. I have yet to find a guy out there that understands this. I am sure that there are some out there, but I cant find them.
AND- how do you find a guy that isn’t selfish that way without sleeping with them and finding out the hard way. Ugh
Guys just aren’t into it emotionally…its all about the penis..
Why gayness seem to be the way I am:
I can find both guys and girls attractive. I think about girls every day though. I don’t have that going on with guys. I mean, I like some guys…but that doesn’t make me want to have sex with them….and when I feel like I might want to, the above problem ruins the whole thing. So if you think about girls a lot, are you automatically gay?
In my experience with females, the selfish thing is not a problem. Both people are working for the good of the other, which I must say, makes things go quite well.
Girls are into it emotionally. Its not just a sex thing…most of the time, I guess. I’m sure there are plenty of girls out there that are just out to get laid, and hey – whatever works for you, ya know. It just seems more of a bonding experience…you learn about each other…that’s what I like about sex.. Its cool.
I’m sure I’ll get some interesting comments on this one. For sure I am not saying that ALL guys and ALL girls are the way I am describing…its just my experience. For now, I am just taking a vow of celibacy and steering clear of the whole damn confusion. Why cant things be easy??
posted by Jil at 5:24 PM
8 Comments:
To me, to love someone is to also lust after them. You are right, it is about providing pleasure to the other person. That's a heck of alot easier when you give a damn about them and aren't just looking to score.
As for being attarcted to women, look at it this way. Men wrote the Bible; men can make mistakes. Who are we to presume anything about God? You are who you are for a reason. He understands. ;)
11:04 PM
Jil,
you sound so much like my sister, but 30 years ago. she's now 57 & in her FIRST gay relationship. she dated men until she was around 50 & did so because she's a christian. she considers what she does an abonimation to god, but believes he will forgive her. this wasn't a choice for her. if anybody could have chosen to be straight, she would have. it just 'didn't happen', much as you have described with guys, it was fake.
it breaks my heart that my sister is finally not lonely, yet believes her love is an abomination to god. i want her to be happy AND at peace with herself. i doubt she ever will be.
this is 1 of the reasons i'll never again walk in a church (except for funerals or weddings). look @ how many times homosexuality is mentioned in the bible, very few. then, look at how many times, lying, cheating, adultery, stealing, murder is mentioned in the bible. why is homosexuality so big to the religious folks, if it wasn't that important to god? it's not even 1 of the 10 commandments.
i don't think god makes mistakes & he created you & my sister just as you are.
i agree with 't' about you knowing who you are. there are churches that accept homosexuals, i'd try to find one of those. unitarian (sp) do.
and btw, men ARE all about their penis!
i wish you peace friend
11:52 PM
You guys really are awesome...
I really am confused tho, I dont have much experience with either men or women.
T - you are right, I fight it like hell...I dont want to be gay. It sucks. There will always be people who hate you, think youre gross and the people who love you never fully understand you...which really hurts.
Maybe I just havent found love...except once with a woman. Maybe if I found that with a guy, things would be different. I dont know. I think lately I just dont give people enough time...I dont get to know them well before I let things happen. I guess maybe I am just in a hurry with guys because I WANT to eventually like it. I dont know.
Thank you all for the kind words and understanding.
2:31 AM
I have a friend that was in a gay relationship for over a year, and had to end it because she felt so guilty...she was also christian. she now lives as a strait woman...a miserable strait woman. there are gay christian churches...and jane is right, unitarian churches accept EVERYONE...i have even seen a few with gay ministers. be who you are ... it is the only way to TRUE happiness and peace. take care.
12:01 AM
I think one of the main things that keeps me from going back to my old ways is that I'd rather die than dissapoint my family & friends again. Theyre all so happy that I've gone back to guys. Friends that havent spoken to me in years have decided to acknowledge my existence.
I dont know, I just dont think its right for me. I cant live with it. I dont know, its so confusing.
I know that there are churches that would accept me. I just dont feel like that makes it right with God.
6:11 AM
True friends are people who accept and care for you the way you are.
And why do we presume God does not approve of being gay, or bisexual? Because it's in the bible? So is beating misbehaving children.
God does what God does. People try to interpret it or make rules about it. The only true path comes from acceptance that you are who you are for a reason, and that God made you that way.
Be with a guy if you're comfortable. Be with a girl. Be with both. The point is to just be.
6:42 AM
being with a selfish partner sucks, my ex was one and I had no idea about sex until I divorced him. Now I get to feel guilty because I enjoy sex and am not married. While I cant say that being confused about your sexuality and fornicating are quite the same thing I can say that being in a loveless relationship, with sex involved defeats Gods purpose. Save it for who you fall in love with and who falls in love with you.
2:13 PM
Well hello there Jil, this is the first I've checked in since about 9/12 and I'm glad to see you're doing so well in spite of all the chaos around you. I hope Rita passes you by.
As you said, certainly there are many interesting things to be said about the birds & the bees. It must be far more of a polarizing issue down there in the Bible belt. Around here it is quite normal. I went to an Indigo Girls concert in Vermont's largest "city" (Burlington, pop. 39,000) and it resembled a Gay Pride Rally. I found it pretty cool, actually, and I am proud to live in a tolerant, humane micro-society in the larger context of modern-day America.
I've read and heard a lot about whether homosexuality and bisexuality is an inherited trait or a choice. I am inclined to believe the former in light of studies that showed the way people react to the scents and pheromones of others. Gay people react with strong attraction and arousal to the scents of members of the same sex without even seeing them, whereas hetero folks react this way to scents of members of the opposite sex.
What I'm getting at is that, as someone else so astutely observed, the Bible was written by MEN who themselves are human. My born-again sister-in-law says "God breathed through them" but I contend that they were still masculine humans and, as such, subject to their own opinionated interpretation. God loves all his children, people and critters alike, and you have to go with where your heart is.
Regarding your view of men, I must contend that it is a gross overgeneralization. I do not enjoy sex unless my partner gets off too. I get emotionally wrapped up in the act and on those few occasions in my life when I've had sex with someone that I wasn't at least falling in love with (if not hopelessly so), it was unfulfilling and decidedly less than enjoyable. I also wish those events never happened. So, like you, I have chosen celibacy in general unless I am head-over-heels for someone. I can tell you that we sensitive men exist and are out there. My best friend of 20 years did not date anyone for ten years until meeting the woman he married back in July. Unfortunately, we must endure selfish people to get to the golden egg. Golden eggs are out there; I'm sorry you haven't met one yet but life is long and you are young and attractive. Choosing to wait makes the eventual encounter SO much more worthwhile, in my experience.
Take care of yourself and try to sleep a little more (it's good for you!!)
PEACE
-Brian
4:17 AM
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