Darkness

I’m not sure what happened last night. I’ve been cruising along just fine for the past few weeks and now all of a sudden it feels like a huge dump truck unloaded a ton of cow crap on me or something. I’m not sure why my mood has descended into the depths of hell…I have no good reason to feel horrible. I was in self-destruction mode last night. I forgot my a.m. meds, so I took double my Lamictal last night, hoping that would help some. I don’t think it made a difference.

I’ve just wanted to be alone, in the dark, in a cold house. I’ve been listening to the Ryan Adams Cold Roses cd…there’s a lyric that says “Life is hard enough without a lover that you have to hide your darkness from”. Sometimes I feel like I want to hide my darkness from everyone….I’ve been a hermit for a past couple of weeks, but I haven’t been depressed until it hit me last night.

I woke up this morning feeling like a baseball that’s been left out in the rain for a very long time….dirty, heavy, seams coming apart… The fog has lifted a bit as the day has gone by, but I still don’t feel right. I feel waterlogged with darkness. You never get used to depression no matter how long it has haunted you. This too shall pass…soon, I hope.