Kinda Mixed Feelings About Everything
I haven’t written in a while….mainly because D has been at my house a lot lately….which can be a good and a bad thing. Its good because most of the time I really do like hanging out with him. We go eat, and go to starbucks, and watch movies & fun stuff like that. He keeps me pretty entertained. BUT I don’t want to get too attached. We are still seeing other people. He wants it like that. I’m fine with that…I just don’t want to get too attached and want something that he’s not ready for. Oh well, each day as it comes.
My Effexor was cut in half…mainly because of the sexual side effects thing….and it has helped alittle, I think. I actually kind of feel better on 150mg than I did on 300. I don’t know what the function is with that, kinda weird I guess….but whatever, as long as I am feeling decent and functioning, everything is cool. I’m taking vitamins too….so maybe that has something to do with it. Does anyone else find that vitamins help? I’m taking a multivitamin with no herbs and some extra vitamin E, which is also supposed to help with the sexual thing.
I have moments of depression…over really dumb stuff. For instance, there is a really big dead bird outside. Instead of just thinking “Oh theres a dead bird”….I think “Oh poor bird, its big, it could be a mama bird and her babies could be starving and die.” That is how I think…I get depressed over stupid things like that. I also have been, on occasion, over-thinking peoples reactions to the smallest things…comments I make, things I say or do….I over analyze everything. I feel small sometimes. I have a lot of fear. At least these things are coming in small spurts and not totally taking over me right now…but theres the fear that they may take over once again. I try to put it out of my mind, but you know, theres that over-analyzing part of me.
I’m doing good today though, and that’s all that matters at the present. I am tired….not sleeping very well, but good enough most nights. I think that getting out and doing stuff nearly every evening with D really does help my moods. He kind of gets me “out of myself”….which is a major accomplishment for us both.
I just feel incomplete or something...I use the word fragmented alot, I just feel disconnected from things alittle. I am in a pretty good mood most of the time. I just feel like Im missing something and that Im not the person that I really am. I'm not sure why I feel like that. I dont think its a medicine thing, I just think its a me thing. Guess I should be used to it by now.
posted by Jil at 11:28 AM
6 Comments:
I am happy that you are back, Ive missed your posts.
12:24 PM
I can totally relate with your the feelings you mentioned. I can't even watch Animal Planet when they have those animal cops on, I get too depressed.
But the over-analyzing, fear, depression is all too familiar. Sometimes (like today) I just have this feeling of doom. It feels like it backs me into a corner.
Starbucks sounds good!
3:39 PM
Good to hear you are back to writing. I hope you can overcome that incomplete feeling. Do you think that maybe you are looking for some longer term committments in your life? Something to keep you stable? My wife is a rock to me as is my job and the friends that are always the same from day to day. All while I'm not. Don't think it too forward of me to make some analogy between experiences, but just stating some of the more common things. Many blessings on you. Keep blogging.
6:13 PM
There's a good undercurrent in what you say about taking each day on it's own merits, and dealing with each one as it comes.
Glad to have you back posting.
9:10 AM
JEEZ....I cannot deal with the phrase "sexual side effects" coming from your fingers!!!!! :) YOU ARE STILL JUST 12 YEARS OLD IN MY MIND, FOR GAWD'S SAKE!!!!! Oh, well...I guess I should be happy and thankful that it was not YOU barrelling up the interstate today in the red T-Bird ragtop!!!! It is good to read your words again!! I, too, feel fragmented at times and I cannot think about injured or dead animals without experiencing this massive wave of sadness rush over me, so that part of you sounds pretty OK to me. You just have a lot going on in your body right now, but be patient. You will get it all back in place and in order soon. Keep writing. We have all missed you. Love you, and yes, you are the smartest kid I have ever taught.
6:33 PM
Yes, when i was in the hospital I was givin Mulitvitamins and I see where they helped me alot..Now outside..I haven't had a vitamin since and I can tell....I should start taking them....
maybe this depression won't be as bad..
;)
2:26 PM
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