A Conglomeration of Thought Fragments

This may make no sense at all. I have a lot of stuff jumbled in my mind. Let’s blame it on the new medicine, that’s the easiest thing to do.

I read The Catcher in the Rye this weekend. It was recommended to be something I’d like by a friend. I definitely did enjoy it. I related to it a lot. If you’ve never read it, this post really won’t make sense….but I’ll try my best to explain things.

The main character in the book is a kid, Holden, who is 16. He’s having major difficulty growing up…definite Peter Pan Complex…and he feels detached from the rest of the world. I relate to this feeling, even now at 25 years old. He speaks of how “phony” everything is. I still feel like that a lot of times.

I’ve always had trouble with the concept of growing up. I’ve never understood why things can’t be simple. I had to grow up pretty early in life, and I think my complex really stems from not being able to be a kid long enough. I had a lot of trouble when I graduated from high school. I didn’t want things to change because I had finally found my niche. I had friends that I’d known all my life. The thought of having to find new ones in college scared the hell out of me. I was never able to do it either. I don’t have one friend from college. Having to be a grown up never scared me, I was a bit used to it long before most kids my age….it was just the fact that I HAD to be that sucked….its hard to explain. I guess I just wanted everything to stay the same as it was and never change, much like Holden wanted everything to be like it was in the museum…frozen in time.

I share Holden’s feelings of being detached from the rest of the world. I’ve never really felt like I belonged anywhere….even during my most comfortable years in high school…I still didn’t belong.

Now – hang with me here, I’m going off the deep end – my feelings of being detached are a bit more serious than Holden’s. I have times of feeling dissociative, where I feel detached from even my own body. I cut myself a lot when I feel like that. As the Ben Harper song goes, “Please bleed, so I know that you are real, so I know that you can feel the damage you have done. Who have I become? To myself I am numb. I am numb. I am numb.” I can’t explain it any better.

–I’m going even farther off the deep end here- Once upon a time that seems like forever ago, I was tripping on Acid. I had this acid trip where I saw things melt…like a couch and a picture on the wall….and in my drug induced hallucination, I convinced myself that there is a third dimension to the world (at least I can blame this on illegal drugs)….I convinced myself that the third dimension was the only place that was real. Everything else was a dream. I spent about a year trying to get back to that place….but all I ever got from then on was spiders coming out of the walls and weird crap like that. See, that’s where my brain cells have gone!

The acid trip thing really added to my idea that everything was “phony” as Holden put it. People never really said what they thought, everything was a conspiracy, no one really liked me, etc. etc. Sometimes I still feel like that….that the world is a play that Im not part of.

Now, I don’t have a clue why in the world I’d be diagnosed as being bipolar! ;) The Catcher in the Rye & an acid trip…only in MY blog!