Strength

Something I read this morning: “The ultimate strong person is someone who can overcome himself…True strength lies in inner fortitude, the ability to say no to oneself as well as to others, and in the realization that life's great struggle is often against one's own weaknesses and imperfections. Strength, therefore, is not so much a measure of muscles. It is a measure of self-discipline, restraint and conscience.”

I thought that was interesting. It’s definitely not my intent to make my blog “preachy”, but reading this reminded me of a scripture that is important to me:

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12)

So, how does this relate in my head?

I think all of us as humans, and especially those of us with Bipolar Disorder and other mental disorders, fight our weaknesses every day. I know I do bigtime. It seems like I am my own worst enemy. I’ve tried everything – moving across the country, medication, therapy – but no matter what I do or where I go, there I am. Those “evil forces” do a number on me. I lose the battle all the time.

I fight with wanting to drink and drug myself into oblivion, cutting and burning, suicidal ideation, and lots of other detrimental stuff. Satan plants that crap in my head. It’s an internal fight. Some of those things may be external, but the fight is inside of me. Decisions, decisions, decisions….What a bitch free will is!

Depression is a biological occurrence. We have no choice over it. However, it brings with it a lot of conflict of the mind – Can I make it through this? Can I live like this? Should I self medicate? Should I go to the doctor? Should I take my medicine like I am supposed to? Sometimes the disease is so overwhelming we don’t even have the choice of getting out of the bed….I’m not talking about those times. I’m talking about the rough times before the breakdown…the times we are still able to hold on.

Bipolar disorder includes the manic side of life which gives a few unique decisions to existence. Being manic can be fun. It’s hard to decide to go to the doctor when you’re feeling REALLY good, I mean, what can be wrong with that? Right? It’s something you have to learn. You have to recognize when things are going to spiral out of control. Sometimes you will fall, I know…but I believe that if we are to make it, we have to fight the battle the best we can. I’m learning every day.

I think that working on being strong is strength itself….as long as you’re really trying. Resisting temptation, like wanting to cut yourself up because you think you are the scum of the earth or you need to feel something, is strength. I know I personally don’t have this strength myself, without help from God. 1 John 4:4 says that God has already won the battle against the evil forces. If you are a Christian, then God lives in you…and that means YOU’VE won the battle if you depend on Him. Writing that is easy, living like that is not….all I know to do is ask for that strength, and ask for help to remember that the battle is won. It’s won…we just have to realize it.

Anyway, that’s my thought of the day….learning our weaknesses, making the right decisions, having faith that there’s something better in store for us, depending on God & not ourselves for that strength….Writing these words helps me to learn more & hopefully I can transform from that experience ;) Maybe having this written where I can refer to it will help when I am struggling.