Red Scream

Something has been on my mind for the past few weeks, so it seems it is time for another coming out of sorts.

I’ve cut & burned myself since I was in high school. I’m not sure why I feel the need to share this now, but maybe talking about it will help someone who happens upon this while doing a little blogging. It’s a weird thing to talk about, but I think its important because many people that do this believe they are uniquely strange and alone, and many family members of people that self injure don’t know how they can help.

I haven’t hurt myself in a few months now. That’s amazing to me because it has been such a big part of my life for the longest time. I’ve been battling a lot with it lately because I have been somewhat in a depression for the past month. So far I have made it through without doing anything stupid. I hope I can keep holding on. Its hard.

I guess I just want to talk about what exactly cutting & burning does for me, how I attempt to distract myself when the urge arises, and what I think helps in the form of support.

To explain the relief that the pain brings is hard. It’s a very intimate thing to discuss. I guess the first question I need to answer is why in the world I would do such a thing. It may not make a lot of sense to people who don’t do this, but I will try to explain it the best I can. Most of the time when I have the urge to cut, I am totally overwhelmed with thoughts or emotions. I have so much going on that I try to ground myself with a physical feeling. It can also be a self hatred kind of thing. I’m not sure why I have moments of despising myself, but it happens. Other times, I feel like I have no emotions…no feelings at all, and feeling the pain makes me feel like I am real. It’s like painting a picture of the internal pain in a physical form. I am overly sensitive. I try to put up a tough front, but that’s not really who I am. I think that has a lot to do with it. It’s a coping mechanism…not a healthy one, but one nonetheless.

Ok, here are some things I try to do to escape my thoughts when all I can focus on is cutting or burning : The thing that works best for me is getting out of the house. I need to get out & go somewhere to get my mind off of obsessing on hurting myself. Sometimes painting or writing helps, but lots of times I don’t have the motivation to do either. I also pray a lot and try to imagine Jesus holding my hand. He gives me strength to get through it a lot of times, I just have to be willing to listen and accept the strength and not give in.

How can someone help a person who hurts themselves? That’s hard for me to answer, but I’ll try to think about what helps me. Most of us don’t like to talk about cutting, it’s a shameful thing, its embarrassing, but sometimes just having a person to confide in that will listen helps enormously...just don’t push it. If the person wants to talk, let them, if they don’t, don’t push it. It helps to have somewhere to escape to and it helps to have someone to help focus your mind on something else...even just walking down the road with someone that’s wanting to cut can help...the longer you can get them to avoid doing it, the more likely it is that they won’t give in. If I can distract myself for an hour or 2, I can usually make it through without doing it. Don’t ask to see the cuts or burns…theyre personal. If someone feels comfortable showing them to you, they will. It’s a trust issue. That’s about all I can think of. Theres a good bit of info on the internet about how to help.

Anyway, I feel like Im really exposing myself, but if I can help someone, I’ll do whatever I can...and writing here takes my mind off of wanting to hurt myself...so I guess writing about it can be a good or bad thing.

Later.